I walked up the stairs and looked at the loft. There was no very large black and white cat with the tiny meow. For that matter, his kitty litter box was gone. Though the remnants of a cat and a kitty litter box remain. (Note to self, must sweep and mop the floor for a cat that was never mine.) Ahead of me are the closed double doors to a room that used to be Tracy's office but then was turned into Suzy's room when Nick was killed and she moved in. I turned the door knob and gently swung the door open. I peaked my head into the room, as if I was entering into some private sacred sanctuary. After all, this is where Suzy had been living for over a year. It was her space, with only a few of our things left in it to help her be more comfortable (the desk she used for her computer, the small bookshelf she used for her games and more importantly, Nick's ashes, and the bed frame she used to hold her box spring and mattress) There was also a little night stand and Suzy's broken mirror that she left behind. Those were not ours to begin with. Why were they left here? I guess that is something else I will have to get rid of on my own (along with the futon she left in the downstairs office, that was originally suppose to be my dance room/guest room....that was until we brought her home to live with us.) I looked at the floor. It needs to be swept. I started make a list of things that need to be done so that Tracy can make this into his office again. Then I looked at the desk siting along the wall in front of the attic door. There on top of this empty desk, it sat. One lone key. Our house key. Suzy had taken it off of her key ring and placed it on the desk for us to find. She is gone.
She is gone.
She is gone.
She is gone.......................
It's not like we didn't know this was coming. It's not like we didn't ask her to create an exit strategy. This was not a surprise. This needed to happen. But did it need to happen THIS way? Since the end of November/middle of December, I can count on one hand the amount of actual conversations we have had, and those were compulsory conversations (if you can count them as conversations at all...ie: Christmas, right before she left for Peru, right after she came home from Peru and she refused to talk to me about her trip saying she was too "jet lagged" after being home in the states for 3 days hanging with he friends before she actually come back to this house, and her birthday when she sat down for the birthday cake and ice cream and presents I prepared for her). Other than those conversations, the most ever said before I found her loading up her boxes into her jeep were, "Hello" or "What are you up to?" But mostly she came and went like a ghost living in my house, walking up and down the stairs right passed me without saying a word.
I'm not sure how we got to that point. I'm not sure how I went from being the woman she hugged on a regular basis to becoming the woman she all but ignored (and most days just ignored). I'm sure I have some responsibility in that. I tried to make things right. I tried to communicate. But she shut down, and my heart continued to break and stress continued to build. She started packing boxes before she left for Peru and continued after she got home. We got a phone call from an apartment manager last week and the next day she and Tom went looking at another place some place else. Then 2 days after the call from the property manager, I walked into my garage to find Suzy moving boxes. She was moving out right then and there. And I was shocked and surprised. I did not know she got the apartment. I did not know where she was moving. I did not know she was even moving right then. To me, she was moving out and not telling us. We had a small conversation in that moment, and when I asked her if she as moving NOW she said, "Well it's the end of the month."
I tried to reconcile that in my head. Yes, it is. It makes sense to sign a new lease now. But why didn't she tell us she was moving right now? Why didn't she tell us she found the apartment and was accepted? I told her, that if we had known, Tracy would have let her borrow the truck. She refused our help.
Tracy talked to her. She told him that she told us she was moving at the end of February. I swear I don't remember that conversation (but then again, I have a brain injury that forgets everything...but you would think after EVERYTHING that has gone on, I would remember that at least long enough to tell Tracy). Tracy doesn't remember her telling us this. No one remembers hearing about this. We just felt as though she was moving out without telling us. We felt as though, she was just writing us off. Tracy told her she would be welcome home for fire pit nights. But somehow, I don't think she will come back. I feel as though she has written us off.
I am digging deep here. I found myself getting ready for my performance last night asking myself some very hard questions. If Tracy were to die, what would I be willing to give his parents something belonged to him? What would I be willing to part with? What would my relationship with his family look like after he died? I have kids (their grand kids), but they are pretty grown up now and we don't see a whole lot of his parents now. But what would it look like if Tracy died? They have been a huge part of my life..for over half of my life. They were my sanctuary in times of need when I was a struggling teenager. What would I do?
I have even reached out to my friends who have lost spouses and asked them how they handled connection with the parents of their departed loves. I am doing my very best to understand and be compassionate.
It is bitter sweet. I am grateful for the things she did leave here. I am heart broken that Nick's ashes are gone. Naomi is heart broken that all of Nick's things are gone along with Suzy. No matter how Naomi felt Suzy felt about her, Naomi adored Suzy. I heard it in her voice and saw it in her face when Suzy came home from Peru. She genuinely loves and adores Suzy, even when Suzy hasn't spoken to her since November (other than compulsory conversations, if you can call them that). I'm not saying Naomi is perfect. I am simply saying, Naomi adored Suzy and she misses Nick terribly. And this morning, driving to school, Naomi was visibly upset. I asked her what was wrong. "Suzy moved and didn't even say goodbye and now all of Nick's things are gone." (Just having Nick's things like his dragon collection in boxes in the garage were a comfort to us all.)
Yes, Suzy has moved. Not only has she moved, but she did not say goodbye to any of us. No hugs. No I love yous. No I'll see you laters. Just a key on the desk. And sometimes no words are the loudest words spoken. Sometimes a key left on a desk speaks volumes.
Our heart breaks as this grief wound has been re-opened. And just like all of the other times, it will heal again, and we will be stronger. I do not know what the future holds for our family when it comes to Suzy. I have loved her for so many years. She has been my daughter in love since she was a teenager. But I also realize that maybe *we* were holding her back from healing. I am proud of her for picking up her life and moving on (and in) with Tom. I am proud of her for finding her independence and living on her own for the first time ever. I remember how exciting it was to have my first apartment. I hope she is enjoying that excitement too.
(Just as a note: due to responses from Suzy and even Tricia about my previous blog posts, I will be excluding them from seeing this on facebook so please, do not share it with them. I do not need the added stress and judgment. It is not my wish to talk bad about Suzy or Trish or Tom or anyone else. My only desire is to express my feelings and share my story, because somewhere out there, some one can read his and find a connection and feel like they are not alone.)
No comments:
Post a Comment