First let me say that I might have over worked my brain yesterday. The last couple of weeks, there have been 2 times where I felt like maybe I have just over done it. Just because I am done with my brain therapy doesn't mean I am 100%. It just means they have given me the tools I need to live life. If I don't continue to use those tools, I put myself at risk for TBI complications. 2 weeks ago when I performed for Frankly Burlesque, I gave myself 5 days notice to put a new routine and costuming together and to perform it. That weekend was insanely packed. Then I went from that to deciding to perform again in a couple of weeks (with a new act) which means new costuming and choreo. AND I'm working on 2 different belly dance routines from different teachers and working on Naomi's solo. Then there is just life on top of it. So ya, I guess my brain is a bit tired and it started showing signs last week which is why I was grateful I had nothing planned over the weekend. Then yesterday I had my eye appointment where they tested the optical nerves to see if they are damaged from the concussions.
I was told a while back to make sure I had someone go with me to these tests because they can take a toll on my brain. Of course, I forgot about that and I went alone. The test was no big deal. However, I think it had a bigger impact on the brain than I had originally thought. Basically, I sat in a chair with some wires attached to my head and I looked at a monitor that flashed (first) grey and white checkered screen followed by black and white checkered screen. They didn't really seem to bother me. I got the results and drove home perfectly fine.
I went to lunch with Tracy then came home to practice belly dance choreo. The choreo I am learning with Samira has moves that make my brain twist like a pretzel. My head started to hurt. As the afternoon got closer to dinner I thought maybe I was just hungry. Or since I have not had diet coke, maybe it's withdrawl. I went to belly dance. I came home and my head still raged. It was still raging by the time I went to bed last night. I have not had a headache like this since 2 weeks into brain therapy. I was really hoping that sleep would make it go away.
The problem is...my sleep was not so great.
I know I said I didn't want this year's blogs to be all about grief. And I really haven't mentioned much (if anything) about grief on my facebook wall since he beginning of the year. But the reality is, I am really missing my son. I'm not just missing Nick. But I am missing the way my family was before Nick. I am missing the possibilities of when Nick was alive that have since died along with him. I am missing the knowing that I will see him again. The realization that he is not just in Florida for school and I will see him soon on vacation is hitting home pretty hard right now. I feel stuff all of the time. I acknowledge it when I feel it. I don't wallow in it. I don't usually allow myself to get depressed. I will cry on occasion but it is for very short periods of time. I talk about him. He sends me messages and sweet things (like the rubber ducky Mardis Gras beads he showed me).
But I still hurt and I still grieve.
I don't often talk about what is going on at home. Mostly because even though I don't have much of a filter, there are things that don't really need to be shared publicly. When I talk about things from home at brain therapy, all of the therapists say, "Wow! It's no wonder your brain is experiencing some serious issues. That is alot of stress, and your brain can not deal with stress the way it used to. You need to take care of that stuff at home." *sigh* Ya. I do. It's really easy to say it, and not so easy to practice it. I have been through so much pain dealing with the loss of my son. It is unbearable if I sit and think about it too long. And for a year I clutched to Suzy as an extension of him and because I could not bear the though of losing her too. I am also the kind of mom that loves a house full of kids and with my grieving it was nice to have a house filled with "kids". But there is a huge difference between minor children and 20 somethings.... especially 20 somethings that are closer to 30 than they are 19. There is an incredible amount of stress and drama that happens in our house with the adult children living in my home. Some of it has NOTHING to do with Nick's death and some of it has NOTHING to do with Suzy. We also have Nate's girlfriend living with us. She was supposed to be here a month while she found a place to work and a place to live, an its been 6 months (or so)..I can't even remember when she moved in. I love her. Yet, just because I love people doesn't mean I need to let them all live with me for an extended period of time with no end date.
Anyway, I am feeling the stress. Which I think is part of the reason I am having the headaches. And to top it all off, I had a bad dream last night. I realize it was just my unconscious talking to me and bringing out what I have not yet realized consciously. So here is the gist of it. Suzy has been gone on vacation in Peru. Things between us have been tense since the end of November when we told her that her boyfriend could not live with us. Things got even more tense when we told both her and Tricia (Nate's gf) that they needed to create an exit strategy to move out. It's not that we don't love them. It's just that it is time for them to be on their own. I can't help Nate get out on his own, if I still have Tricia and Suzy living here. Anyway, that discussion did not go over so well with the two young women. So ya, things have been strained. We took Suzy out to dinner before she left. (She had been house sitting since Christmas day so we had not seen much of her.) But even the day she left to get on the plane, she came into the house (while I was gone) to grab something and then left without stopping in to give Tracy a goodbye hug; he had to run outside to give her a hug goodbye. So she leaves and goes to Peru. She is having the time of her life (from what I can see on Facebook) and I am so happy she got this opportunity.. Nick would have wanted this for her and would have approved of part of the settlement money being used for it. Now Suzy is due to return home either tomorrow or the next day. I don't even know when. Why don't I know when? Well partly cause I forget everything I'm told. And partly because we were not asked to pick her up from the airport. We weren't asked to drop her off and we were not asked to pick her up? Why? Probably because she has a doting boyfriend who adores her and he is doing it. And this is where my dream and how I have been feeling unconsciously comes in.....
Last night I dreamed that Suzy was away on vacation. She had been gone a long time. My family (Nate, Omi, Tracy and I) went to the airport to pick Suzy up. We got there to find Tom (Suzy's boyfriend) there with a big welcome home sign and flowers. We stood behind him. Through the glass security doors we saw Suzy coming. She had a huge smile on her face as she beamed at Tom. She didn't even realize or show any realization that she knew we were there. I felt this pit in my stomach. Then I heard Nate say, "She really isn't ours anymore? We have really lost her haven't we?" As he said that, I kept looking past her waiting for Nick to come up from behind her. Wasn't he getting off of the plane, too? Wasn't he coming home too?
It hit me. Nick is dead. He isn't gone somewhere and coming home to visit again. He is just physically gone. And Nate is right. We have lost Suzy (at least a part of her). She was never ours to begin with. People are not things to be owned, but in the sense of her moving on with her life. She will always love Nick. He will always be a part of her. And, I guess, by extension, this family might be as well. But when it comes down to it, we are having to let go and say goodbye to her as well. It's healthy for her, and I suppose healthy for us. But the pain is not any less. This reminder that she is coming home from vacation and Nick is not coming home with her is hitting me pretty hard. This was NEVER in my conscious thought. Yet, there it was in living color in my dreams.
Seeing Suzy in love with a man that is not Nick is hard. It just is. I want nothing more than to have my son back. I miss his voice. I miss everything about him. And I guess somewhere down deep in my head I have been saying to myself, "He is just in Florida. He will be home for vacation." Of course, every time he came home from vacation, Suzy came home with him. But Nick is not on vacation. Suzy is. And Suzy is coming home without him..because Nick is dead and she went without him.
Gah! This feeling I am feeling right now makes it very hard to stick to my plan of giving up diet coke and sweets! Gah! Someone please pass me a hand full of tylenol, the biggest diet coke and all of the donuts you can find? Thanks.
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