February 9, 2016 Sometimes Being Authentic Means Being Uncomfortable

The last two blog posts have pissed off people in my life.  But here's the thing, I am not going to shrink and be something or not feel something or hide something because it is uncomfortable to me or some one else.  This is my blog and I talk about how *I* feel.    Right now I feel scared, hurt, frustrated, angry, disrespected, filled with grief over several things, stressed and seriously uncomfortable.  That is the truth of the matter.  There are other feelings I feel as well.  I feel loved, grateful, creative, beautiful, optimistic, and clear.

The last couple of days there have been a couple different blog ideas rolling around in my head.  But as it turns out last night's dream and today's brain therapy appointment have won out.

LOL.  The last time I posted about a dream and how I felt got me into trouble.  Oh well.. here goes.

So last night I had this dream that Tracy and I went back to Nick's "college".  It was on the brink of some holiday where kids and faculty were taking off, but it was also the day they had a bunch of potential college kids roaming the place and talking to people at different tables about what the college has to offer.  Tracy and I walked onto the mezzanine and looked over the ledge to find Nick's old college roommate and best friend from high school (Colton Love) working a table with one of Nick's professors from FIT.  (Colton never went to FIT.. and this was just a college in my dream.. no real college).  Anyway, When Colton saw us, he got tears in his eyes and waved with a huge smile.  The college professor said, "Oh there you are!!!  It's so nice to finally meet the parents that Nick loves so much!"  All of that brought tears to my eyes (in my dream).  I ran down the stairs and waited rather impatiently for my turn to talk to and hug Colton.  I was really emotional.  He was too.  I was also excited to see Nick (who was still alive in my dream).  He wasn't in the room yet.  

Soon I saw Nick walking down the stairs with some woman.  They were hand in hand.  She was not Suzy.  I rolled my eyes and looked at Colton to get his attention over the couple of heads that were before me.  "Is that the new girl Nick is dating?"  He nodded yes.  I felt myself sigh and brace myself for what was to come next.

I rushed over to hug Nick.  I think I pretty much tackled anyone in my way and knocked them to the floor.  He gave me a long huge hug and we cried together.  (I love those hugs and look forward to them every time I see him in a dream).  Then we separated and he introduced me to this new girl.  After he did that, the girl reached over and kissed him.  I promptly decked her and shoved her to the ground.  "How dare you kiss my son!  We are still grieving his dead wife Suzy!  How could you be so insensitive?"  I went all kinds of Franenmomster on her!  I though one hell of a fit (very publicly) and stormed out.  (Only my family that has lived under the same roof as me knows what kind of fit I am talking about.  It is brutal and ugly, and if you are around, you should find an exit very quickly..... or....find a way to restrain me.)  

I ran out of the building.  There was a grassy hill where lots of people were just lounging and visiting.  I was trying very hard to find an empty patch to roll down like I used to when I was a kid.  I needed to feel light and carefree again.  I needed to feel like a kid with no worries and no stresses.  I needed to pretend that I had not lost the daughter in law that I loved so much.  

Then I woke up.

Of course, in real life, Suzy is very much alive and living upstairs.  Nick is the one who is dead and I miss him so very much.  I am so grateful he came to me with a hug.  But the dream wreaked havoc on me emotionally.  We can probably read alot of things into this dream.  But this is what came from it.  I am so very sad to lose my son.  AND I don't think Suzy will ever know or realize just how much I love her.  If she had been the one to die, I don't think I would ever think another woman could hold a candle to her when it comes to being my daughter in love.  

Right now things in my house are very tense.  VERY tense.  So much so, I don't even want to be here.  I do my very best to stay focused on things that are positive like burlesque stuff or coloring for mediation and mindfulness or belly dance.  I had no idea when I decided to focus on authenticity this year, that so much upheaval would happen.  It is bringing up some real stuff for me to look at and decide if it serves me or not.  It requires that I become very real about how I feel and to speak up for myself and ask for what I need.  Not only that, but it also requires that I hold those that I love responsible for their own actions and to their word.  It means realizing that I can not fix people and that enabling people just holds them back as well as feeds my co-dependent side.

I was asked this week what I will do with an empty nest.  Well, my nest won't be empty for another 2 years at least.  Naomi is only 16 1/2 an has 2 more years of high school.  LOL  But the answer is, continue what I am doing now.  I do not live for my children.  I decided a long time ago that my children will not be what defines me as a person.  I love them.  But I do no need them around 24/7.  Actually, I will be very happy and proud of them when they are finally out on their own being productive citizens and giving back to the world in some way.  I will be very proud of them when they start living their own authentic life.  That is my biggest hope for them.  My hope for my children (all of them.. biological, bonus, in laws, or whatever....) is that they take a long hard look a what being authentic means in their life.  Are they being honest with their feelings?  Are they being honest with themselves?  Are they taking responsibility for their actions?  Are they living a life that allows them to grow.  Are they helping others?  Are they giving back?  Are they thinking beyond their own selves?  Are they living with compassion and and open heart?  Are they following their bliss?  Those are the things the things I hope for.  Yes, they all sound "fluffy" and "optimistic".  But getting to those things will make you uncomfortable.  Living an authentic life is going to piss off some of the people around you, and you gotta be strong enough to breathe and move through it.  You gotta be strong enough to stand you ground.  You gotta get comfortable with being uncomfortable.  And you gotta be able to say "thank you for this lesson" to those who you think have hurt you in one way or another.  

What about you?  Are living an authentic life?

As I continue to work towards recovering from a brain injury and re-evaluating what a "career" looks like for me, this whole idea of living authentically is helping me find my groove.  We know that what I once was able to do I will not be able to do again.  I have to re-find my happy place when it comes to work.  I have to redefine what it is that fills my soul AND makes money.  It is damned uncomfortable. It would be so much easier to sit on my laurels and let life happen.  It would be so much easier to just bury my head in the sand and continue to let Tracy take care of me for the rest of my life.  Yes, that would be optimal.  But the reality is, anything can happen and in an instant, Tracy could be gone and then where would I be?  It's not like I can just go out and find ANY job.  I can't.  Not any more.  For that matter, I can't even work 40hrs a week right now.  It would be too much.  Coming to grips with that is horribly uncomfortable.  So now what?  Well, it's time to be a little bit more uncomfortable and find answers and learn to grown from this, not let it keep me down. Part of that is in creating my performer page and taking what I love more seriously.  The problem is, I spend more money getting ready for a performance than I actually make in a performance.  Can you say tax write off?  LOL  But it also means, revisiting some old ideas... teaching some old workshops.. helping people along the way.  This is an opportunity for me to learn and grow (if I choose for it to be.. and that is what I am choosing).  That is what I would want my children to do.... to take the knocks in life and turn them into positives.  I would want them to take chances even if they are scary.  Being uncomfortable is how we grow!

Here's to growing!