If memory serves me right, and we all know how amazing my memory is *cough*, my intention for 2017 was to put myself out there and do new things. I think I actually had a list somewhere, but I can't find it. Nor can I find a blog post where I stated this intention. So we are just going to have to take my word for it.
As the end of the year approaches, I have been looking back at my year. What have I done to put myself out there and try new things? Have I done some things I have wanted to do and have been scared to do? Have I done things that helped me stretch and grow? Have I done things and failed gloriously? The answers to those questions might be, quite possibly yes! So I guess that means this has been a good year.
What have I done? Well, Tracy and I travelled to Ecuador (a new country for us). We did (or tasted) all kinds of new things there. Some of which made us amazingly sick. LOL But it was all about the experience. It was an amazing time, and we so want to go back again! Tracy and I went to a relationship conference, which we have never done before. That was fun and gave us some thoughts and experiences to grow on. Our relationship has grown and changed and continues to evolve, which is saying alot for a couple who has been together for 34 years! I decided to take Improv Classes. That was fun. Then I decided I sucked at it and I wasn't going to pursue it. Then I changed my mind and decided to put myself out there and audition for the Minor League Improve League and sure enough I got in. Then I thought, "Well, let's try Improvivor." That was a huge risk for me, and I ended up getting voted off pretty quickly. But that is okay. I tried something new, and I learned alot about myself. I went to LA with a girl friend on a kind of spontaneous decision. It was a HUGE thing for me to do that. And what I learned was helpful. I went to Oregon to crew for my friends 50K. That was another new thing. Was it hard or life changing? No, not really, but it was a great time and I got to hike on some new trails and support a man I love dearly! And it was my first trip with them so that was fun. I tried a new way of eating and it worked with great success, but for whatever reason, I stopped. I learned some things about me in that process as well. I went to my first BurlyCon on the 3rd anniversary of Nick's death. That was hard and beautiful all at the same time. I met amazing people and got fired up! I've reached out to a new community and made new amazing friends. I started a new kind of bellydance fusion and I'm learning to move in different ways and I started performing belly dance again with a dance studio I have admired for years and never thought I would be good enough to dance with. So yay! And then last night, I was able to check off something I have been wanting to do forever!!!!! Well okay, for at least 20 years....
I went to Country Western Swing Dance Lessons. I didn't just go. I went by myself. I had no dance partner. I had no friend to cling to. It was just me. To be fair, after I made the decision to go, I found out my friend who is a regular there was also going to be there, but she was not going to be dancing.
They called us all out on the dance floor. Women on one side and men on the other. The instructions, Men, pick a partner. All of a sudden, I felt like a kid at the roller rink waiting for a boy to ask me to couple skate. I was terrified. And sure enough, I was not picked. Well I could have been. It came down to 1 man and 2 women. I let the other woman dance. Mostly because, yes, I was scared. LOL I went back to the table where my friend and her friends were sitting. One of the men asked if I wanted to dance. So we went out there to learn together. They taught us one move, and then asked the men to rotate. It went this way all night. One move taught, and then the men rotated. So I had a whole slew of new dance partners. It was tons of fun. I spun around in circles all night. I had my boots on and my beer swing dress on. My dress flew out when I spun. One of my dance partners complimented me on the dress. I felt like a little girl in her favorite Sunday dress just spinning around in circles. I could stop smiling and giggling.
There were some seriously scary parts. Not only was I constantly being partnered with a new man while learning a new move. But, then they started teaching dips. All I could think was 1) I am a bigger woman and the guy who is going to dip me weighs a whole of 130#....MAYBE. 2) What if I get dropped on my head? I sucked up my fear and went ahead with this. Kevin (that was his name) dipped me once. That was all. The rest of the time he spent with me was just swinging and dancing with me. I knew why. My size. While I was a little upset, I understood and kind of grateful. I didn't want him dropping me on my head. But my self-esteem said, "Man, you should be skinny! No one will want to dance with you."
I did meet some very nice gentlemen who were tons of fun to dance with. Some were younger. Some were amazing. Some were older. Some were just kinda dorky but were having a great time (those were my favorites). One partner was surprised that it was my first time.
What I learned in class is that the men (the leads) have a much harder time than I do. All I have to do is is allow them to lead me (which is hard enough for this control freak). But the men/leads have to decide how they are going to lead me. They get to choreograph/improv the whole dance. It's all up to them. Poor suckers! Then they have to lead their partners smoothly and with some sense of musicality. That's alot of pressure. This also took a ton of pressure off of me. I realized that I can dance with anyone as long as they can lead me. I also learned that I need to trust and live in the flow of the dance. Not always as easy as it sounds. But I do this with my own performances when I am on stage. But now I have to live in the flow of what my partner thinks he wants to do and trust he has my best interest and safety at heart. I learned that my dance lessons in belly dance actually paid off in this swing dance class. Funny how that works.
I had a total blast. I ended up sweating like a pig. I wish I didn't sweat so easily and heavily. It is so not an attractive quality in a female dance partner (or at least that is what my ego told me). I was happy when class was over, not because it was over but because I put myself out there and had a great time.
Once I was home and in the hot tub with my hubby and daughter, we were talking about my experience. My daughter commented on how terrifying it would be to go alone to a bar to dance like that. She said she would need a friend to go with her. And yes, it was terrifying. But sometimes you need to do things that terrify you so that you know you are stronger than you think you are. Doing things that scare you forces you to listen to your intuition and you gut. It gives you a chance to grow. And the rewards are so much greater than doing something that you know is easy.
If given the chance, try new things. Make yourself uncomfortable. Be okay with screwing things up. Be okay with failure. Get comfortable being uncomfortable. This is the way we grow and learn. Now get out there and try something new!!!!
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
November 29, 2017 My Own Reality and DID
I realized in the last couple of weeks I have become "that person". You know, we all have that person or people on our Facebook feeds that just kinda of emotionally vomit all over our news feeds. I have done that a time or two. But I feel like these last couple of weeks it has been so much worse. And I feel like it has been entirely too much. For that, my readers, I apologize.
I have spent some time wondering WHY I did that. And I spent time wondering why other people do it. And I realize it is because many of us are sitting in a house or an office alone with our feelings and Facebook gives us some kind of sense that we are being heard (even if most people roll their eyes and scroll on by). To be fair, I am grateful to those who didn't just scroll on by and who actually gave me some encouragement and support. And, like most people who are reeling on Facebook should, I went to see my therapist :).
So the question is, "Why did my DID (dissociative identity disorder) decide to act up?" The other question is "Why did it get so out of control?" Ever since Nick died, it has been making a come back, but I have been able to talk "them" down. But last Sunday I slipped down the rabbit hole and was unable to come out of it, and it scared me. It scared me for a couple of reasons. 1) Not being able to come back is frightening and 2) New personalities showed up that I had never met before.
Have you ever wondered what this feels like? I'm sure every person who has this issue feels things a bit differently. To me, a personality takes over. My body language and voice change and the way I act is different. But deep inside it is like me watching a movie of someone else's life; only I know it's mine. I sit in the background asking and begging to come back. I sit in the background trying to soothe the personalities that come up. They are there to protect me. They are not there to hurt anyone else. They are there to protect me from more pain. They started when I was raped as a young child. They held the memories that I could not handled for myself. I didn't know I had these issues until I was 30 years old; though it might explain some of my behavior as a teen. Anyway, the "real me" is stuck in the background while "the others" do what they do. Sometimes, most recently, it has been like a congress in my head. Several personalities talking about me like I am not there.. discussing how things should go and how best to "protect" me. Most of the time, my physical body just kind of checks out. But lately, these personalities have actually been taking over; which is why I decided to go back to the therapist.
A week ago, I had a really scary episode. I had a new personality show up. I have never seen him before. I have never had a male personality. He was dark and scary. Remember these personalities are here to protect me from some kind of pain. But this one was emotionally violent (towards me). None of my personalities are violent towards other people. NEVER. This personality told me things like, "You are worthless." "You are not enough." "You will never be enough." "Tracy can do better." "You are fat." "You are ugly." "You are a failure." And then he took this knife he held in his hand, and he stuck it in my throat and sliced me down the center of my body. I physically hurt from the emotional pain this personality was causing me. By this point, I had completely checked out. Then another new personality showed up. It was a "mother figure" in a white, long sleeved dressing gown. She came in calmly. And started talking to "the others". "Calm down," she said. "Let Martha come back. She is okay. She is safe. She can handle this." Every time I tried to fight my way back, I could feel "the others" grab a leg or an arm and pull me back down. They didn't want me to get hurt. But what about that one who was saying all of the mean things to me? If he was there to protect me, why was he being so emotionally violent? After taking time to think about it, I realized, he is the one who keeps me feeling small so that I won't take chances in my real life. I won't take risks. There is safety in remaining small and unseen. There is HUGE risk of being hurt by striking out and putting myself out there, which I have done a great deal of this year. And one of those risks (on that weekend) had started to cause some pretty intense anger and heart break.
So the question is what caused this "outbreak"? And how can I take care of myself so this does not happen again?
Some things shifted and changed last Saturday and a relationship ended. The transition of this relationship, along with the timing of being overly emotional from the 3rd anniversary of Nick's death just a week prior, was the catalyst to this outbreak. I will never blame another person on my issues. It was my reaction to the situation that caused the issue. Here is what I have learned....
Tracy and I had a mutual friend who we both cared deeply for. However, we both started to feel a shift in things. Our intuition was screaming at us. But both of us decided to squash that intuition. And this was my first mistake. Our intuition is here to protect us.. to warn us.. to teach us. When we squash it and not listen to it, we are in effect telling ourselves that we do not trust ourselves and open ourselves up to a great deal of pain. Not only do I have my own intuition that serves to protect me, but I also have a husband that I lean on to protect me and help me feel secure. (This is not recommended. While he is an amazing human being, it should NEVER be someone else's job to make you feel safe and secure.) So when he wasn't listening to his own intuition about our friend and I wasn't listening to mine, things started to go awry. We found ourselves hurt. My DID decided to kick in. "Well, if YOU aren't going to protect yourself, WE will!"
So what I have learned is that I NEED to listen and trust my intuition. I also need my husband to listen to his, and I need him to listen to mine. No, I'm not saying he needs to do what I say, but I do need him to listen to what I am saying and after listening to me and then listening to his own intuition, if he finds out they are in agreement, then actions need to be taken on our end. We can not just have our intuitions talking to us, ignore them, and then passively let life stab us in the back. It shouldn't work that way. That is not what intuition is about.
So now what? Well, I will listen and act from now on. Or at least I will do my best.
I am still hurting. There are so many things I want to say but I can not say publicly. I am dealing with my stuff and and feeling what I feel. I just wish it wasn't so painful to lose a friend. I wish our friend could have shown me more compassion and understanding. But everyone has their own stuff to deal with, and I guess adding mine to their own was just too much.
What is the lesson??? Listen to your intuition, people :).
I have spent some time wondering WHY I did that. And I spent time wondering why other people do it. And I realize it is because many of us are sitting in a house or an office alone with our feelings and Facebook gives us some kind of sense that we are being heard (even if most people roll their eyes and scroll on by). To be fair, I am grateful to those who didn't just scroll on by and who actually gave me some encouragement and support. And, like most people who are reeling on Facebook should, I went to see my therapist :).
So the question is, "Why did my DID (dissociative identity disorder) decide to act up?" The other question is "Why did it get so out of control?" Ever since Nick died, it has been making a come back, but I have been able to talk "them" down. But last Sunday I slipped down the rabbit hole and was unable to come out of it, and it scared me. It scared me for a couple of reasons. 1) Not being able to come back is frightening and 2) New personalities showed up that I had never met before.
Have you ever wondered what this feels like? I'm sure every person who has this issue feels things a bit differently. To me, a personality takes over. My body language and voice change and the way I act is different. But deep inside it is like me watching a movie of someone else's life; only I know it's mine. I sit in the background asking and begging to come back. I sit in the background trying to soothe the personalities that come up. They are there to protect me. They are not there to hurt anyone else. They are there to protect me from more pain. They started when I was raped as a young child. They held the memories that I could not handled for myself. I didn't know I had these issues until I was 30 years old; though it might explain some of my behavior as a teen. Anyway, the "real me" is stuck in the background while "the others" do what they do. Sometimes, most recently, it has been like a congress in my head. Several personalities talking about me like I am not there.. discussing how things should go and how best to "protect" me. Most of the time, my physical body just kind of checks out. But lately, these personalities have actually been taking over; which is why I decided to go back to the therapist.
A week ago, I had a really scary episode. I had a new personality show up. I have never seen him before. I have never had a male personality. He was dark and scary. Remember these personalities are here to protect me from some kind of pain. But this one was emotionally violent (towards me). None of my personalities are violent towards other people. NEVER. This personality told me things like, "You are worthless." "You are not enough." "You will never be enough." "Tracy can do better." "You are fat." "You are ugly." "You are a failure." And then he took this knife he held in his hand, and he stuck it in my throat and sliced me down the center of my body. I physically hurt from the emotional pain this personality was causing me. By this point, I had completely checked out. Then another new personality showed up. It was a "mother figure" in a white, long sleeved dressing gown. She came in calmly. And started talking to "the others". "Calm down," she said. "Let Martha come back. She is okay. She is safe. She can handle this." Every time I tried to fight my way back, I could feel "the others" grab a leg or an arm and pull me back down. They didn't want me to get hurt. But what about that one who was saying all of the mean things to me? If he was there to protect me, why was he being so emotionally violent? After taking time to think about it, I realized, he is the one who keeps me feeling small so that I won't take chances in my real life. I won't take risks. There is safety in remaining small and unseen. There is HUGE risk of being hurt by striking out and putting myself out there, which I have done a great deal of this year. And one of those risks (on that weekend) had started to cause some pretty intense anger and heart break.
So the question is what caused this "outbreak"? And how can I take care of myself so this does not happen again?
Some things shifted and changed last Saturday and a relationship ended. The transition of this relationship, along with the timing of being overly emotional from the 3rd anniversary of Nick's death just a week prior, was the catalyst to this outbreak. I will never blame another person on my issues. It was my reaction to the situation that caused the issue. Here is what I have learned....
Tracy and I had a mutual friend who we both cared deeply for. However, we both started to feel a shift in things. Our intuition was screaming at us. But both of us decided to squash that intuition. And this was my first mistake. Our intuition is here to protect us.. to warn us.. to teach us. When we squash it and not listen to it, we are in effect telling ourselves that we do not trust ourselves and open ourselves up to a great deal of pain. Not only do I have my own intuition that serves to protect me, but I also have a husband that I lean on to protect me and help me feel secure. (This is not recommended. While he is an amazing human being, it should NEVER be someone else's job to make you feel safe and secure.) So when he wasn't listening to his own intuition about our friend and I wasn't listening to mine, things started to go awry. We found ourselves hurt. My DID decided to kick in. "Well, if YOU aren't going to protect yourself, WE will!"
So what I have learned is that I NEED to listen and trust my intuition. I also need my husband to listen to his, and I need him to listen to mine. No, I'm not saying he needs to do what I say, but I do need him to listen to what I am saying and after listening to me and then listening to his own intuition, if he finds out they are in agreement, then actions need to be taken on our end. We can not just have our intuitions talking to us, ignore them, and then passively let life stab us in the back. It shouldn't work that way. That is not what intuition is about.
So now what? Well, I will listen and act from now on. Or at least I will do my best.
I am still hurting. There are so many things I want to say but I can not say publicly. I am dealing with my stuff and and feeling what I feel. I just wish it wasn't so painful to lose a friend. I wish our friend could have shown me more compassion and understanding. But everyone has their own stuff to deal with, and I guess adding mine to their own was just too much.
What is the lesson??? Listen to your intuition, people :).
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
November 10, 2017 Who Would Have Thought?
When I was a little girl, there is no way I could have predicted that I would have been a burlesque peformer. For that matter, there is no way I could have predicted that I would be a mom who had lost her 25 year old son to a motorcycle accident. Regardless, here I am.
I am on an epic weekend adventure of "Stripper Camp" called BurlyCon. I have so much to say about this weekend, but this blog is about TODAY only. Today was the 3rd anniversary of Nick's death. Just last night I was texting Tracy telling him that I do not belong here and that I should be home with my family and I wasn't even sure I would be able to make it. He actually offered to drive all night to pick me up. I am glad we didn't actually see that through.
I knew that if I was going to make it through today, I would need a plan. 1) I would play full on in ALL of my classes. 2) I would take pictures with all of my instructors. 3) I would purposefully find 2 women I had either been talking to over the weekend or have seen wandering the halls and ask to get a picture with them. 4) I would play as much as I could and laugh as often. 5) I would say "yes" to things that might make me uncomfortable. 6) I would take today one moment at a time. If I cried, great. If I laughed great. If I did both.. even better! 7) Most of all, I would live today to the fullest!
With the plans made, I took off on my great BurlyCon Day 2 adventures. I knew that all but my last class would be movement/dance classes. That was also done intentionally. Dancing always makes me happy. My first class was "Taming the Boa". I learned alot of fun tricks. I also learned that my purple boa is seriously dangerous and bled on me turning me into the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka! Yuck!
My 2nd class was a chair dancing class. I have been wanting to take a chair class for YEARS!!!!! I was so excited. Actually, I took one YEARS ago.. like 2004 or 2005 or so. I showed Tracy what I had learned, and he down right laughed at me. I gave up on dancing sexy for him. It almost killed my dancing completely.... Obviously, I got over it. LOL The chair dance class was killer. My abs love me! And I did inversions and didn't even fall off my chair and on to my head! My third class was a complete kicker.
My third class was a continuation of a class I took yesterday. This class was called "Dare to be Sexy". When I decided to take these classes, I thought it would teach me to dance the slow burn and be all sexy and stuff. (Most of my dances are "cute" and "silly") Instead this was more of a character building class and the "sexy" part came from teaching us how to be comfortable being vulnerable with our audience. It was an amazing class. Today, she asked for 5 volunteers. She grabbed her 5, but then pointed at me and told me that I would be in the next round. Sure enough, I was the first person she called for the 2nd round of volunteers. We were to pull 3 cards from her Archetype Deck. In my hand I held the Heroine, the Visonary, and the Engineer cards. I immediately connected to the Hero/Heroine card; it was no surprise that these three cards showed up for me. I teach Hero Journey Classes; it's my favorite archetype and the one I identify with the most. The Visionary, yes, I identify with that one as well. The Engineer? Which of these 3 is not like the rest? We were told to pick the one that was least like us and then to choose the "dark" side of that archetype (each archetype had a light and dark description.) Out of the 3, the least like me in general is the Engineer.
I am on an epic weekend adventure of "Stripper Camp" called BurlyCon. I have so much to say about this weekend, but this blog is about TODAY only. Today was the 3rd anniversary of Nick's death. Just last night I was texting Tracy telling him that I do not belong here and that I should be home with my family and I wasn't even sure I would be able to make it. He actually offered to drive all night to pick me up. I am glad we didn't actually see that through.
I knew that if I was going to make it through today, I would need a plan. 1) I would play full on in ALL of my classes. 2) I would take pictures with all of my instructors. 3) I would purposefully find 2 women I had either been talking to over the weekend or have seen wandering the halls and ask to get a picture with them. 4) I would play as much as I could and laugh as often. 5) I would say "yes" to things that might make me uncomfortable. 6) I would take today one moment at a time. If I cried, great. If I laughed great. If I did both.. even better! 7) Most of all, I would live today to the fullest!
With the plans made, I took off on my great BurlyCon Day 2 adventures. I knew that all but my last class would be movement/dance classes. That was also done intentionally. Dancing always makes me happy. My first class was "Taming the Boa". I learned alot of fun tricks. I also learned that my purple boa is seriously dangerous and bled on me turning me into the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka! Yuck!
Amber Ray and myself after Taming the Boa
My 2nd class was a chair dancing class. I have been wanting to take a chair class for YEARS!!!!! I was so excited. Actually, I took one YEARS ago.. like 2004 or 2005 or so. I showed Tracy what I had learned, and he down right laughed at me. I gave up on dancing sexy for him. It almost killed my dancing completely.... Obviously, I got over it. LOL The chair dance class was killer. My abs love me! And I did inversions and didn't even fall off my chair and on to my head! My third class was a complete kicker.
Lola Frost and me after Chair Dancing Class
My third class was a continuation of a class I took yesterday. This class was called "Dare to be Sexy". When I decided to take these classes, I thought it would teach me to dance the slow burn and be all sexy and stuff. (Most of my dances are "cute" and "silly") Instead this was more of a character building class and the "sexy" part came from teaching us how to be comfortable being vulnerable with our audience. It was an amazing class. Today, she asked for 5 volunteers. She grabbed her 5, but then pointed at me and told me that I would be in the next round. Sure enough, I was the first person she called for the 2nd round of volunteers. We were to pull 3 cards from her Archetype Deck. In my hand I held the Heroine, the Visonary, and the Engineer cards. I immediately connected to the Hero/Heroine card; it was no surprise that these three cards showed up for me. I teach Hero Journey Classes; it's my favorite archetype and the one I identify with the most. The Visionary, yes, I identify with that one as well. The Engineer? Which of these 3 is not like the rest? We were told to pick the one that was least like us and then to choose the "dark" side of that archetype (each archetype had a light and dark description.) Out of the 3, the least like me in general is the Engineer.
Now that I had this card and know what the dark side was, I had to walk and act like this character. Using the techniques that Poise Ivory taught us, how would this character remove/strip off a glove?
Some of this reminded me of picking a character for Improv matches. Yet, it is very different. LOL
I read this card and 2 people came to mind, my husband Tracy and my son Nick. I knew exactly how I would do my exercise. It was my turn, and I channeled the inner engineer in me; yes, I had to use a microscope to find her! I walked off the stage and onto the floor where the rest of my peers were sitting and I performed my task. Then I waited for the remainder of my volunteer mates to finish their turns. Poison Ivory asked us to change the end result by changing just one thing. Again, we went through our process. I walked off the stage and down to the floor and removed my glove. I made eye contact several times.. scanning the whole audience. Feeling the energy. And feeling something I have never before felt inside of me. I finished my "scene" and walked off the "stage". I leaned against the wall and took a deep breath and it hit me. It wasn't me in that second round. Well, it was, but more me channeling Nick. I could hear and see him in my head and my heart.
"Mom, this is how an engineer would take off a strippers glove. It would be like this. And, why, mom, would an engineer be wearing a glove in the first place? Wouldn't that get in the way of their work?"
He would strike a feminine pose with his gloved hand. He would smirk. And then very matter of factly, in an orderly fashion take that glove off and just walk away. Or what if they were gloves he had to use for one of his science experiments. He was in a small confined room with not much space to move or place "extraneous things" so he would be very meticulous and calculated in the way he took them off and the way he handled them while walking around or putting them down. And that is what I did.
I continued leaning against the wall and I felt Nick in my heart. I heard him talking to me. I heard this conversation. I heard him laughing and telling me how proud he was of me.
"Great job, Mom! I knew you could do it. You are so awesome! I'm so glad you made it to BurlyCon this year! Thanks for letting me come play with you today. Now kick ass, mom!"
I literally started sobbing. It was such a beautiful moment. No one else in that room saw me. No one else heard what I heard or felt what I felt. I was in a room with 30 other women, yet, in that moment it was just me and my son visiting and laughing. It was truly a special gift.
When I went back to my original place to sit, I still had the card I had drawn. Layla (a new friend) who I had sat next to in the precursor to this class, saw the card and she said, "I knew it had to be an engineer. You were so meticulous and calculated removing that glove." Outwardly, I thanked her. Inwardly, I was giving Nick a huge hug for sharing that time with me and helping me.
Miss Poison Ivory & myself after class
I was riding a pretty big high when I left that class. And my next class was my first of 3 different panel skirt classes. I had so much fun learning this new prop for dancing. I am so excited to create a piece with it! It is so classic and beautiful!
Shan de Leers and myself after "Work That Skirt"
And my last class for the day was one centered around creating costumes for bigger bodied women. One of my roomies was the facilitator for this. Interestingly enough, I didn't get a picture with her after class. She taught an amazing class and I have so many ideas I want to try!
I had such a fantastic day. In the midst of these amazing classes, we also had the Open Ceremonies where they had a tinder moment where people they had expressed being gentle with those who were going through transitions in their lives, and my other roomie Frankie as well as Mimi grabbed my hands and let me cry. Then right after that ceremony, I went into the vendors to find Legs Malone.
Rev. Legs Malone
She saw me and smiled and gave me the biggest hug and told me that she follows what I say and do on Facebook. SHE follows ME on Facbook and KNEW what today was. Again, I teared up. I was humbled and touched by her genuine love and care. She gave me some oils to help with my grief and she gave me love! Such a beautiful human being. I could not have felt more supported. Before today, I had only met Legs once....at a class she taught in Boise a couple of years ago and we have been connected on Facebook ever since. I have so much respect for her, not just as a performer but as a human being. Seeing her today was so healing.
After all of these amazing things, Miss Dottie Minx ( my lovely friend who used to live in boise who now lives in Seattle) came to join the Boise gang for dinner. Seeing her brought tears to my eyes again. She was one of them who supported my family in big way when Nick died and there she was today. It was so nice to have dinner with her, her hubby, Stella Sin and Muff Jones.
Me and Pin Up Dottie Minx
Then to close out the day, I got to get dressed up and go to the Disco. I got to relive my childhood in a real live adult disco with crazy bright characters dancing and laughing around me. All of the glitz. All of the glam. Drag Queens. Drag Kings. The beautiful and the goth/punk. The elegant to the ridiculous. It was all there in all of its sparkling, glittering glory! And I was there. I was part of it. I was on that dance floor with the disco ball reflecting the lights back onto the wall. I was this. I was this moment. I was this joy. I was exactly where I wanted to be when I was a kid! I smiled and almost cried happy tears. I thanked Nick.
Beautiful people at the class photo before the ball..Mimi, Ri Ri (who taught my costuming class), myself and I do not know the fourth person behind Mimi.
Me and Lola Love whom I have been friends with on FB and met for real this weekend!
It has been such a beautiful day. It's now 2:28 am, and I have no idea what time I am supposed to be awake for tomorrow. Ooops. Can someone please send coffee????
I have so much more to say.. like...
PS My daughter did a Suicide Improv Dance Contest tonight and won 1st place in solo and 3rd place in a trio with a couple of girls she had never danced with before! I am so freaking proud of her!!!!
My beautiful daughter Naomi with her awards
I think we both rocked out this anniversary in style!
Tuesday, November 7, 2017
November 7, 2017 We are not like other families.....
So in 3 days, it will be 3 years since Nick was killed in a motorcycle accident. That moment in time, completely changed the course of our family. Well maybe not completely, but it did change the courses of our children and my mom, and yes, I guess that changed a bit of our courses as well.
The first year after he was killed was so very difficult. We went through all of the firsts with out him. We thought that the first year would be the hardest and once we got through it, it would be "easier". We were wrong. The second year was the worst. Why? The first year we were in shock. By the second year, the shock had worn off and we were just in so much grief.
Now as we close in on the third anniversary of his death, I can honestly say that I have noticed a difference in my family.
My family will ALWAYS miss Nick. I know we are not the only parents to lose a child. I also know my children are not the only children to lose a sibling at such young ages. But not everyone will go through this kind of pain. This event has forever changed the way that we look at life. It has changed that way, we as parents, view the way in which we guide our living children. Tracy and I do not sweat the small stuff anymore. (Or at least what we consider the small stuff) Yes, we are more lenient on Naomi than we were our boys. (That would have occurred naturally as she is the youngest, but this is different.) We still have expectations for our children. We still expect them to grow up and be responsible, productive, independent adults. However, the timing of that looks different for our children.
Naomi's course was changed because her original career goals were centered around going into business with Nick once she graduated college. Her Freshman year high school classes were chosen because of these goals. But once Nick was gone, her passion and interest in them fell apart, and that is perfectly okay. In the last years, she has done things to challenge herself physically and mentally. She ran half marathons. She took aerial silks. She may not do those things anymore, but they made a HUGE impact on how she sees herself and how to reach goals and face her fears. She looks at things and asks herself, "Will this make Nick proud of me?" She started working with horses and learned so much from her pony. She gave up voice lessons and dove into her visual art as a means of expressing herself. She changed dance studios and found a home with women who support her like none other and challenge her to become a stronger and more expressive dancer. Naomi is willing to take risks now. She is stronger. She is trying out for things. She is involved in school. And just a few months ago, she and I were talking and noticed that life is so much better for her this year. She actually has friends in school. She enjoys going to school. She hangs out with her friends after school. And she is the "senior friend" that the younger kids are hanging out with. She is having a great year.
Nate took some hits when Nick was killed. He has always had a difficult time with jobs. He has some special issues that can be a bit challenging when it comes to work. But when Nick was killed, he was actually fired from his job for crying at work. And it has taken forever for him to get his feet back on the ground. Last year, he had a great job but it was seasonal. It was in that job that he met his current girlfriend. Nate has also had not so great luck with women. Nate has a HUGE heart, and for that reason, he has often fallen for women he felt he needed to fix or who just needed extra help. And Nate wanted to do that. Which meant, we got signed up for that too. LOL. He has struggled. But he takes his grief out on his guitar and singing. He is very talented, even if he doesn't think so. This year he got a job that he is passionate about. He loves the people he works with, and it is a great company to work for. I'm so proud of him for following his passion of working with people with special needs. And he just celebrated the 1st anniversary with his girlfriend, who is amazing. Things are looking up for him. Even he is feeling and looking lighter.
Tracy and I have found a way to connect again. Through grief, we had lost some of our connection. But we have stayed strong and together. This year, our connection has gotten better. We are finding more fun things to get involved in together. We are going out on dates again. We are laughing. We are hanging out with friends. We are making forward progress. And most days we feel lighter.
The grief doesn't suffocate us so much anymore. Yes, we have days or maybe just moments. But its not suffocating us all of the time anymore. This is a good things.
But what prompted this post was what I witnessed last night....
Naomi is creating "Nick pages" for her art journal. She is adding photos from life with Nick and her first memories of him after he was killed (like the memorials and his birthday and his college graduation that Nick didn't get to attend himself). She was in tears last night. I held her for a bit. But I let her get back to her work, and I to mine. I came back into the room to see her sobbing into Nate's arms. He held her for a long time while she cried. Then he sat down on the opposite side of the couch and listened to her talk about her art journal. About an hour later, Nate took her to Jack In The Box for a drink and to just spend time with her.
In that moment I was very grateful that we are not like other families. I have not pushed Nate out of the house. So many people tell us, "He is 24 (25 in a month); he should be out of the house by now. You are enabling him!" Some of that might be true. But those people who are saying that, have not lived in our shoes. There are so many nights that I have found Naomi and Nate hanging out in his room laughing over games are playing the guitar and singing or just hanging out together outside. Having Nate living at home during this healing stage of grief has been the best thing for this family. He and Naomi have grown so close. She loves him so much. Nate is quick with the hugs and comfort when any of us are upset. I know the time is coming for him to move on. He and his girlfriend are making plans. He will be moving soon. I'm sure of it. Naomi will be graduating high school in May. But even her plans have changed, and she has decided not to leave Boise for college. We are not like other families. We have lost someone so close to us, that the idea of leaving each other is a bit painful. We need each other still. However, I also know that this year is the first year that we all feel like we can breath and start to move on.....
This year, instead of being home with my family on the anniversary, I will be in Seattle at a Burlesque Conference that happens the same weekend every year. Nate will be working. Naomi has a dance performance that she will be doing and Tracy will be attending. Life is moving on. There will not be a big memorial bonfire for Nick this year. We will all just be doing our thing, but the date will not be lost on us. The best way we can memorialize Nick is to live fully and out loud, and that is exactly what we will do.
We may not be like all the other families who still have all of their children......but we have each other and I am so grateful for that!
The first year after he was killed was so very difficult. We went through all of the firsts with out him. We thought that the first year would be the hardest and once we got through it, it would be "easier". We were wrong. The second year was the worst. Why? The first year we were in shock. By the second year, the shock had worn off and we were just in so much grief.
Now as we close in on the third anniversary of his death, I can honestly say that I have noticed a difference in my family.
My family will ALWAYS miss Nick. I know we are not the only parents to lose a child. I also know my children are not the only children to lose a sibling at such young ages. But not everyone will go through this kind of pain. This event has forever changed the way that we look at life. It has changed that way, we as parents, view the way in which we guide our living children. Tracy and I do not sweat the small stuff anymore. (Or at least what we consider the small stuff) Yes, we are more lenient on Naomi than we were our boys. (That would have occurred naturally as she is the youngest, but this is different.) We still have expectations for our children. We still expect them to grow up and be responsible, productive, independent adults. However, the timing of that looks different for our children.
Naomi's course was changed because her original career goals were centered around going into business with Nick once she graduated college. Her Freshman year high school classes were chosen because of these goals. But once Nick was gone, her passion and interest in them fell apart, and that is perfectly okay. In the last years, she has done things to challenge herself physically and mentally. She ran half marathons. She took aerial silks. She may not do those things anymore, but they made a HUGE impact on how she sees herself and how to reach goals and face her fears. She looks at things and asks herself, "Will this make Nick proud of me?" She started working with horses and learned so much from her pony. She gave up voice lessons and dove into her visual art as a means of expressing herself. She changed dance studios and found a home with women who support her like none other and challenge her to become a stronger and more expressive dancer. Naomi is willing to take risks now. She is stronger. She is trying out for things. She is involved in school. And just a few months ago, she and I were talking and noticed that life is so much better for her this year. She actually has friends in school. She enjoys going to school. She hangs out with her friends after school. And she is the "senior friend" that the younger kids are hanging out with. She is having a great year.
Nate took some hits when Nick was killed. He has always had a difficult time with jobs. He has some special issues that can be a bit challenging when it comes to work. But when Nick was killed, he was actually fired from his job for crying at work. And it has taken forever for him to get his feet back on the ground. Last year, he had a great job but it was seasonal. It was in that job that he met his current girlfriend. Nate has also had not so great luck with women. Nate has a HUGE heart, and for that reason, he has often fallen for women he felt he needed to fix or who just needed extra help. And Nate wanted to do that. Which meant, we got signed up for that too. LOL. He has struggled. But he takes his grief out on his guitar and singing. He is very talented, even if he doesn't think so. This year he got a job that he is passionate about. He loves the people he works with, and it is a great company to work for. I'm so proud of him for following his passion of working with people with special needs. And he just celebrated the 1st anniversary with his girlfriend, who is amazing. Things are looking up for him. Even he is feeling and looking lighter.
Tracy and I have found a way to connect again. Through grief, we had lost some of our connection. But we have stayed strong and together. This year, our connection has gotten better. We are finding more fun things to get involved in together. We are going out on dates again. We are laughing. We are hanging out with friends. We are making forward progress. And most days we feel lighter.
The grief doesn't suffocate us so much anymore. Yes, we have days or maybe just moments. But its not suffocating us all of the time anymore. This is a good things.
But what prompted this post was what I witnessed last night....
Naomi is creating "Nick pages" for her art journal. She is adding photos from life with Nick and her first memories of him after he was killed (like the memorials and his birthday and his college graduation that Nick didn't get to attend himself). She was in tears last night. I held her for a bit. But I let her get back to her work, and I to mine. I came back into the room to see her sobbing into Nate's arms. He held her for a long time while she cried. Then he sat down on the opposite side of the couch and listened to her talk about her art journal. About an hour later, Nate took her to Jack In The Box for a drink and to just spend time with her.
In that moment I was very grateful that we are not like other families. I have not pushed Nate out of the house. So many people tell us, "He is 24 (25 in a month); he should be out of the house by now. You are enabling him!" Some of that might be true. But those people who are saying that, have not lived in our shoes. There are so many nights that I have found Naomi and Nate hanging out in his room laughing over games are playing the guitar and singing or just hanging out together outside. Having Nate living at home during this healing stage of grief has been the best thing for this family. He and Naomi have grown so close. She loves him so much. Nate is quick with the hugs and comfort when any of us are upset. I know the time is coming for him to move on. He and his girlfriend are making plans. He will be moving soon. I'm sure of it. Naomi will be graduating high school in May. But even her plans have changed, and she has decided not to leave Boise for college. We are not like other families. We have lost someone so close to us, that the idea of leaving each other is a bit painful. We need each other still. However, I also know that this year is the first year that we all feel like we can breath and start to move on.....
This year, instead of being home with my family on the anniversary, I will be in Seattle at a Burlesque Conference that happens the same weekend every year. Nate will be working. Naomi has a dance performance that she will be doing and Tracy will be attending. Life is moving on. There will not be a big memorial bonfire for Nick this year. We will all just be doing our thing, but the date will not be lost on us. The best way we can memorialize Nick is to live fully and out loud, and that is exactly what we will do.
We may not be like all the other families who still have all of their children......but we have each other and I am so grateful for that!
Sunday, November 5, 2017
November 5,2017 Getting Voted Off and What I Learned....
So its been a few months since I have blogged. (Seems like all of my blogs start out that way these days...but hey, I've been busy living life!)
The last blog was about an audition for the Minor Leagues of ComedySportz. It's crazy to think how much has happened since that blog (especially when it comes to Improv). Not only did I start Minor League training, but I have also played my first Minor League ComedySportz match and had a complete blast! And just because I wasn't busy or challenged enough, I also decided to throw my hat into the Improvivor contest.
Improvivor is like the TV show Survivor mixed with Improv Comedy. We were separated into tribes. We played different challenge games. We had the opportunity to win immunity as tribes as well as individuals and people got voted off. The last one standing wins $200. I wanted to play for the challenge and to learn and grow. I, however, was not prepared for some of the very painful growing pains I would go through.
Thanks to Improv, in general, I have learned a great deal about myself. I have learned that I need to ask for assistance and trust that my team mates will always have my back. I have learned that failure is funny. I have learned to live in the moment and live in the flow. In Improv, you never know what the next "gift" given to you might be and you will have to trust it and run with it. As a team, that works out great. As an individual in a contest that has people voting you off, this doesn't always work out as well as you would like. I learned that I have a very serious competitive streak in me. And it's not a pretty one.
Two "episodes" ago, I had a really difficult time with a "things" game. I won't go into how the game is played. But I will say that tribe mates matched up and one gave clues and the other was supposed to guess what the other was giving clues about. These "things"could be super easy or super difficult depending on what number we chose to do (1 being easiest and up to 5 being the hardest). I could not give or receiving clues to save my life that night. And the audience voted to send me home. The only reason I got to stay was because one of my tribe mates wanted us to vote him off. I will say that I deserved to go home that night. I will also say that I was in complete tears because my performance is what put us in trouble to begin with. I felt like I had let my tribe down.
Even though "Episode 3" was harsh for me. Episodes 1 and 2 were so much fun and in episode 2, Randy and I came from behind and saved the day. That feeling rocked!
Last night was Episode 4. We played 2 challenge games. The first one went from all 7 of us on the "field" to only 2 remaining. The last 2 remaining were Lisa (my tribe mate) and myself. The game was going great, but I was at a slight disadvantage. Lisa had made no mistakes during that game, and I already had made 1 mistake. 1 more would have ended the game. And more importantly, the winner, we were told right before our last round, would win immunity for the night. I really needed that immunity. But, alas, it was not mine to be had. In a very quick game, I made a mistake and lost the game. It was a ton of fun. And I learned that my brain worked much faster than I had imagined it would!
When that game was over, we learned that we were breaking up our tribes and people were merging at the end of the night. The last game to be played was to be 2 person improv scenes. We were all randomly matched over and over again until we had all played together. I thought I did okay. But in a bad twist of luck, I was matched with a friend in the 2nd to last pairing of the night. He started speaking the scene, and I did not understand a word he said. I didn't hear him. I had no idea what he had started and I tried my best to pick up what he had given me and keep the scene going, but I was completely lost. In the end, he got the punch line in. And THAT was the last thing the audience saw of me.
After all of the scenes were completed, we were told there would be a vote by the audience to give one more of us immunity. My last scene mate won that immunity. The rest of us had a chance at being eliminated. We were sent out to the lobby while the audience voted for whomever they chose. Then each of us went in one at a time and wrote our choices on a piece of paper and put them in the container. When they were all collected, Robert, pulled the slips out one at a time and read them allowed....5 votes for 1 person would send that person home........
First vote, "Martha"
Second vote, "Martha"
Third vote, "AJ"
Fourth vote, "Dawn"
Now the odds had changed. The person with 4 votes would be eliminated.
Fifth vote, "Martha"
Sixth vote, "Martha"
And with that, my fate in Improvivor had been sealed. I shouted and screamed like I had won a million dollars. At first the audience was shocked and then they laughed as I ran up to give Robert and Johnny a hug as they said goodbye to me. I smile. But inside, I was breaking a little bit.
When the show was over, we had to go into the greenroom where I received a huge group hug and encouraging words. But my time was over.
Some of the members of the audience hugged me and told me I didn't deserve to be voted off. But whether I did or not, it was now done. And my job was to feel my feelings and then figure out what I have learned.
I am grateful for the experience. In the end, this is a game of strategy and elimination. Did I play with integrity? Yes. Did I have my team's back? I did. Did I make the audience laugh? I did. Then my job was done. The rest is just "game play" and "strategy" and really doesn't matter. But why does it hurt to be voted off? Why do I feel like I'm not good enough? Why did I take it personally? Why did it feel like high school all over again? Like if I had been popular enough, I would not have been voted off. I can assume entirely too many things. I can tell myself stories all night long, but in the end, none of that really matters. I played the best I could.
I need to let go of the "game play" and take a look at how well I did and what I learned.
1) I learned my brain can think faster than I thought. At first, I was unable to do that. But thanks to Improv, I am getting much faster.
2) I have learned that my character work is pretty good. It can certainly be better, but it is not too shabby.
3) I have learned to say "yes, and" and just roll with the "endowments" that are given to me.
4) I have learned to welcome the unexpected and live in the flow.
5) I have learned that failure is funny and my time is never wasted if the audience is laughing.
6) I have learned to take HUGE leaps and put myself in uncomfortable situations and be open to the lessons given.
7) I have learned how to take what I have learned in the Improv arena and add it into my every day life.
8) I laugh more often.
9) What I have learned in the arena, I have brought home to my family and we play some kind of silly improv game in the hot tub a couple of times a week. It's silly and fun to see what crazy conversations we come up with.
What do I still need to learn? Not to take things so damn seriously. It was just a game. LOL I learned some other very deep and very personal things about relationships, but that is not something to be shared in this blog.
What will I take away from the realization that I am way too competitive? I will not place myself in a position to play a game where people can be voted off again. It is one thing to play a game as well as you can and lose because you didn't earn the points. It's not personal. It's just a fact of life. But in a game where people can vote you off (for whatever reason) and the game is not entirely based on your performance, it does become (or at least feels) personal, and I am much too sensitive for that...especially this time of year when I am dealing with grief. :).
The last blog was about an audition for the Minor Leagues of ComedySportz. It's crazy to think how much has happened since that blog (especially when it comes to Improv). Not only did I start Minor League training, but I have also played my first Minor League ComedySportz match and had a complete blast! And just because I wasn't busy or challenged enough, I also decided to throw my hat into the Improvivor contest.
Improvivor is like the TV show Survivor mixed with Improv Comedy. We were separated into tribes. We played different challenge games. We had the opportunity to win immunity as tribes as well as individuals and people got voted off. The last one standing wins $200. I wanted to play for the challenge and to learn and grow. I, however, was not prepared for some of the very painful growing pains I would go through.
Thanks to Improv, in general, I have learned a great deal about myself. I have learned that I need to ask for assistance and trust that my team mates will always have my back. I have learned that failure is funny. I have learned to live in the moment and live in the flow. In Improv, you never know what the next "gift" given to you might be and you will have to trust it and run with it. As a team, that works out great. As an individual in a contest that has people voting you off, this doesn't always work out as well as you would like. I learned that I have a very serious competitive streak in me. And it's not a pretty one.
Two "episodes" ago, I had a really difficult time with a "things" game. I won't go into how the game is played. But I will say that tribe mates matched up and one gave clues and the other was supposed to guess what the other was giving clues about. These "things"could be super easy or super difficult depending on what number we chose to do (1 being easiest and up to 5 being the hardest). I could not give or receiving clues to save my life that night. And the audience voted to send me home. The only reason I got to stay was because one of my tribe mates wanted us to vote him off. I will say that I deserved to go home that night. I will also say that I was in complete tears because my performance is what put us in trouble to begin with. I felt like I had let my tribe down.
Even though "Episode 3" was harsh for me. Episodes 1 and 2 were so much fun and in episode 2, Randy and I came from behind and saved the day. That feeling rocked!
Last night was Episode 4. We played 2 challenge games. The first one went from all 7 of us on the "field" to only 2 remaining. The last 2 remaining were Lisa (my tribe mate) and myself. The game was going great, but I was at a slight disadvantage. Lisa had made no mistakes during that game, and I already had made 1 mistake. 1 more would have ended the game. And more importantly, the winner, we were told right before our last round, would win immunity for the night. I really needed that immunity. But, alas, it was not mine to be had. In a very quick game, I made a mistake and lost the game. It was a ton of fun. And I learned that my brain worked much faster than I had imagined it would!
First vote, "Martha"
Second vote, "Martha"
Third vote, "AJ"
Fourth vote, "Dawn"
Now the odds had changed. The person with 4 votes would be eliminated.
Fifth vote, "Martha"
Sixth vote, "Martha"
And with that, my fate in Improvivor had been sealed. I shouted and screamed like I had won a million dollars. At first the audience was shocked and then they laughed as I ran up to give Robert and Johnny a hug as they said goodbye to me. I smile. But inside, I was breaking a little bit.
Some of the members of the audience hugged me and told me I didn't deserve to be voted off. But whether I did or not, it was now done. And my job was to feel my feelings and then figure out what I have learned.
I am grateful for the experience. In the end, this is a game of strategy and elimination. Did I play with integrity? Yes. Did I have my team's back? I did. Did I make the audience laugh? I did. Then my job was done. The rest is just "game play" and "strategy" and really doesn't matter. But why does it hurt to be voted off? Why do I feel like I'm not good enough? Why did I take it personally? Why did it feel like high school all over again? Like if I had been popular enough, I would not have been voted off. I can assume entirely too many things. I can tell myself stories all night long, but in the end, none of that really matters. I played the best I could.
I need to let go of the "game play" and take a look at how well I did and what I learned.
1) I learned my brain can think faster than I thought. At first, I was unable to do that. But thanks to Improv, I am getting much faster.
2) I have learned that my character work is pretty good. It can certainly be better, but it is not too shabby.
3) I have learned to say "yes, and" and just roll with the "endowments" that are given to me.
4) I have learned to welcome the unexpected and live in the flow.
5) I have learned that failure is funny and my time is never wasted if the audience is laughing.
6) I have learned to take HUGE leaps and put myself in uncomfortable situations and be open to the lessons given.
7) I have learned how to take what I have learned in the Improv arena and add it into my every day life.
8) I laugh more often.
9) What I have learned in the arena, I have brought home to my family and we play some kind of silly improv game in the hot tub a couple of times a week. It's silly and fun to see what crazy conversations we come up with.
What do I still need to learn? Not to take things so damn seriously. It was just a game. LOL I learned some other very deep and very personal things about relationships, but that is not something to be shared in this blog.
What will I take away from the realization that I am way too competitive? I will not place myself in a position to play a game where people can be voted off again. It is one thing to play a game as well as you can and lose because you didn't earn the points. It's not personal. It's just a fact of life. But in a game where people can vote you off (for whatever reason) and the game is not entirely based on your performance, it does become (or at least feels) personal, and I am much too sensitive for that...especially this time of year when I am dealing with grief. :).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)