My mind is racing all over the place and I'm not asleep. Well, okay, it's not racing anymore. Now I think I can sleep, but I feel heavy with so much on my mind. I am hoping I can just "brain dump" stuff in this blog and I will feel better. So be prepared for none of this to make any sense!
I have had lots of my mind in the last month or so.
1) Jared and Breezy gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Tyson. They call us grandparents. We love Breezy and Jared like they are our own children. And yes, we love Tyson as if he was our biological grandbaby. Family is what we make it.. not always what we are born into. I believe that whole heartedly. And, yes, there is a "but". My "but" has nothing to do with our relationship with Breezy, Jared and Tyson as much as the bittersweet feeling of loving Tyson and knowing we were a year and a half (maybe) from having a grandbaby from Nick and Suzy before Nick was killed. I wish we had a piece of Nick with us still. But I also understand how complicated that would be now.....which brings me to another thought in my head.
2) I miss Nick terribly. I know I do my best to smile, laugh, love and move on. But it doesn't change the fact that I miss my son. It doesnt' change the fact that I miss my family the way it was before Nick was killed.
3) The family the way it was....I still have pictures on my fridge of Nick and Suzy. I still have pictures on my fridge of me and Suzy. I still have pictures on the wall of Suzy and Omi. I see them, and I feel sad. I honestly don't know what to do or what to think when it comes to Suzy. I have talked to my friends who lost spouses and asked them if they still have contact and relationships with their previous inlaws. They don't . Everyone has moved on. Suzy doesn't not reply or acknowledge any of my posts on facebook (as far as I can tell, she has unfollowed me or just actively ignores my posts..which is fine I guess). She "likes" or "responds" to things on Tracy's facebook. We have invited her to things here at the house since she has moved out, but she has not come. I still see her posts. I still go to her wall to catch up with what is going on in her life. I worry about her. I see her posts that seem to be increasingly sad. But, to be honest, I feel completely rejected by her. And yes, maybe being close to our family is too much for her. I'm sure she misses Nick. And honestly, I don't know what to expect or anything like that. We just went on family vacation with out her. It felt weird. But our previous family vacations, we took her and Nick and we paid for their trip. But now she is with Tom. That changes the dynamic. I see Tom's mom post about seeing Suzy and Tom and saying she loves them...and I feel like the outsider. (Because I am.) Tracy tells me he is having lunch with Suzy...he is worried about her. I'm glad she responds to him. I worry about her. I love her. Honestly, I am just tired of being rejected..it hurts too much. I lost Nick...and Suzy.
(I know none of this is news to anyone reading this..sorry)
4) Friends moving away......making new friends....friends busy with life..... Like I said earlier in this blog.. family is what we make.. not always what we are born into. My friends are my family, so when they move away, it leaves a bit of a mark. Even the ones who live in Washington, when they move further away, it leaves a mark. When the ones who live here in Boise move away, it leaves a mark. Then other friends who are here get involved with new loves and new interests and we dont' get to see each other as much as we would like. And I find myself looking around. These are people who were there for me when I needed them the most. And now they are moving....or are busy with life and here I am still with this aching heart (that really no one can fix.. no one is going to bring back Nick.) Yet, in the midst of all of this, new friends come into my life and I am enjoying getting to know them. They didn't know me "before" so there is no comparison for them to make in the way I was before and the way that I am now. They get to know me the way that I am now.. which to me feels quite a bit different.....which brings me to the next item...
5) I know we should not focus on the past because we lose sight of what is right inf ront of us. But I look back at pictures from before Nick was killed.. before my life got turned inside out. I was so happy. My smile was easy. There was a twinkle in my eye. My body was strong. I was kicking ass and taking names. I have friends who have lost siblings and they tell me their moms have changed.. either refuse to find joy in life or just in general change. I refuse to let grief consume me. There is joy in every day and I experience it. I seek it out when I don't feel it. I make a point of finding a reason to smile. I like to make people smile. I like to celebrate life. But there is this deep deep feeling that is always there...like something is missing (because some ONE is missing). life is different, and I wonder sometimes "Will people love the broken me as much as they loved the whole me?" I guess I feel broken. That is the first time I have actually "said" that. I guess now that I have acknowledged it.... maybe it will start to mend and heal? That may also just be a rhetorical question. I know I have friends who love me...before and after. But sometimes I feel like I have to hide my grief or not talk about it...because if I talk about it, it makes people uncomfortable. It's not pretty, and people like "pretty". They like "convenient". They don't like messy. They have their own issues; they don't need mine too.
6) Then there is my family.....Nate, Naomi and Tracy. Am I doing right by them? Am I doing right by Nate? Does he feel validated? Does he feel heard? Does he feel loved? Does he feel scared? He must have feelings about losing his brother, but he doesn't talk about them. What about Naomi? I know she is scared of losing Nate. She cries because he smokes.. afraid that he will dies becuase he smoke and gets mad cause she feels like Nate doesn't care. She adores Nate. Will she be able to find the right person in her life who will be able to handle her grief and everything that comes with it? Do I dote on her too much in an effort to make up for Nick being gone. Does she feel heard? What about Tracy? He works so much. We spend one on one time together almost every night in teh hot tub.. jsut relaxing and talking. We have survived thus far. We love each other. We have no real issues in our marriage, so why borrow them? But I would be lieing if I said that I worry that losing a child might one day tear us apart. I have seen it happen.....and I just keep praying that we will stick together through this. WE are different people now. We have been through growth spurts before.. where one grows faster than the other, and we have managed to wait for the other to catch up. We can make it through grief together. But do I support him enough? Do I offer him a safe place to grieve for real?
7) My own health. I used to be healthy... physically. I had full function of my brain. My vision needed glasses, but I could see properly. My legs carried me long distances over mountains and peddled long distances on my bike. I had balance and getting off of the floor was easy. I was the healthiest I have ever been. And now.. I feel as though I am almost the most unhealthy I have ever been.. even though I have not reached my max weight. My knee hurts. I feel much older than I am chronologically. My brain gets easily over whelmed. I am working on this. I start with a trainer tomorrow. I should really be sleeping right now so that training session won't be with me half asleep. LOL. I will get back to being healthy again. This is only a temporary situation. It sucks that it has caused me to cancel a big event I was looking forward to, but it is necessary in order to me to get healthy and be around for my family for a very long time. And I did just go roller skating tonight, which was fun.
I know I sound depressed. I am not depressed. I just have alot going through my head. It's been going through my head for a while, and I guess it just needed to be expressed, and I don't talk to people about all of this (for reasons stated above). Every day I try to focus on things to be grateful for because I do believe gratitude is a huge part of a happy life. I look for ways to incorporate fun and laughter into my life because it is the best medicine. I look for ways to be creative because it is healing and inspiring. I look for ways to keep growing because someone once told me if you are not growing you are dying.
I don't know what the answers are.. and I may not be looking for them. This is just me doing a brain dump hoping it will help me sleep. And if any of you see Suzy, please give her a hug for me. Thanks.
No comments:
Post a Comment