I have tried writing this blog twice already and both times I have just deleted the entire thing. Why? Because sometimes I feel like what I write is whiney and indulgent.
I have been struggling with grief and grief related depression. It has pretty much zapped me of anything positive (at least emotionally). I have been dealing with feelings of guilt, both guilt I have assigned to myself and blame I have assigned to others, when in reality, I know it is no one's fault that Nick is dead.. .except for the lady who hit him.
Before anyone says anything about it being nearly 2 years since his death, and I should "move on", I just need to say this. I thought that after the 1 year anniversary, all of my grief would just *poof*. I thought that anything over a year was self-indulgent and whiney. But in reality, thanks to some reading I have done, I have learned that year 2 of grief can be worse than year 1. I have also learned that grief from losing a spouse can take 2 years to recover from while losing a child can take 5 years. (Let's hope it doesn't take 5 years for me!) Anyway.. so before some of you start saying, "It's time to move on", just slow your role. I am doing the best I can with what I have. I can guarantee you that.
I won't lie; that first night when I found out my son was dead, I worried about many things. One of the things I worried about was my marriage. I have seen marriages dissolve in the months after the loss of a child. I didn't want that for my marriage. Year 2 of our grief journey has proven to be a bit difficult. Tracy and I grieve differently and at different times. We both deal with things differently. It can be difficult. I talk (entirely too much). He doesn't talk at all. When he does talk, he is afraid it will bring me down. Communication has been hindered. Lots of things have been affected. And it does put a strain on our marriage. I'm not saying our marriage is in deep doo-doo... I'm just saying, that the strain is there and we have acknowledged it and are doing our level best to work through this.
Here's the deal. In normal, every day life, people are continually changing. In a marriage, you seldom change at the same rate. That change, no matter how big or small, can put a strain on a marriage, and sometimes can even destroy it. In order to make it through things, spouses need to realize what is going on and be patient with each other until the other catches up. Now when something HUGE happens, like losing a child, change can not be denied. Individuals change. That can't be ignored. When the married couple comes out on the other side of the grief and see that their spouse is different, it requires getting to know that person the way they are and loving them in their new version. More importantly, it requires that that each person loves the change that happens within themselves. Or at least, they have to continue loving themselves in order to love another. This is really hard, at least for me. I see the change in me, and to be completely honest, I am not sure I love the person I have become.
I know I should not live in the past. I know I should live in the present. But I miss the "happy, every day positive" person I used to be. Now it feels like I am faking it when I try to be that person. My temper is shorter now. My fuse is easily lit. I lack the patience I used to have. And my compassion is in a smaller scale. I try. I really try. But man, it's hard. I feel more selfish now. I don't like that very much. But I also feel like I don't have much to give anymore. I feel like I barely have enough for myself and my family.
Then there is the blame/guilt game. For about year now, I have (unwillingly) been placing blame for Nick's death on someone I love. I won't go into who and why. Mostly because I realize it's just a way for me to try and find some rationality for Nick being gone, and really there isn't any. Then I started a new train of thought. "It's my fault." It's my fault. I never should have mentioned to Nick about the idea of moving to Florida and living with my mom while he finished college. If I had not done that, then he would not have gotten married to Suzy so soon. If he had not gotten married to Suzy and moved to Florida, then they would not have had the issue with only 1 car that was a stick that she would not drive. If that had not been an issue, he would not have gotten rid of his car to get a car for Suzy to drive and a motorcycle for him. If he had not gotten a motorcycle, then the accident wouldn't have happened and he would still be alive. So see... there it is. It is my fault. I am the reason my son is dead. Instead of having my mom move here (like she was wanting to do back then), I put the seed in Nick's head to move there and live with her... and that is what started this spiral into his death. Now, not only is my son dead, but my mom is living here and she is depressed because she misses her friends. I am watching her health decline. If I had moved her here all those years ago, maybe things would be different for her.
Something else that hit me in the last couple of weeks has been the realization that Nick lived with my mom for half of his life. I had not really taken that into consideration when it comes to my mom and grief. Right after Nick was killed, my mom had said something to the effect that she doesn't' cry over dead people. They are just gone. My mom and I have had conversations about this, and she says that I didn't take it right. We have cleared that up. But recently, she drove by the remainder of a motorcycle accident. I heard the grief in her voice. To my mom, it might very well feel like she lost one of her own children.. not "just a grandson". We moved in with my parents when Nick was just a few months old. WE lived there for 6 years. Mom was a huge part of his life. She watched him for us. She was there when he learned how to swim. She was there when he learned how to surf (before he could swim). She was there for all of those firsts. Then he moved back in with her when he was in college. And though Nick and Suzy spent most of their time in their separate part of the house, my mom was there to witness and be part of a big chunk of his life...closer than most grandparents get to their grandchildren. So ya....I bet the grief is huge with her. Add to that, the huge move across the country leaving behind her friends and extended bonus family. Her move was necessary, at least I believe it was. But I also think I reacted selfishly. I moved her entirely too soon after Nick's death. WE made that decision FOR her. But I also know that I did the best I could for her, for my family, for myself. I had my brother's there when Nick died. They saw how mom was. We all agreed she needed to not be alone. But man, I kinda feel guilty about that. I kinda feel guilty about how much she misses her friends in Florida. I am watching her decline here. I thought she would improve. And for a while she did. But recently, there has been a change and I am worried about her.
I know. I know. I can't live in the past. And I can't live in the land of "what ifs" and "only ifs". I can only live in this moment right now.
Here is what I tell myself to try and get over this guilt and blame game. Tracy and I have had motorcycles since Nick was 4 years old. He grew up with them. They were part of his lifestyle. It was obvious that one day he would own a motorcycle...whether it was because he needed a cheaper way to travel or because he just wanted one for the pure enjoyment. He was going to own one. His death is not my fault. But then, after I tell myself this, I hear myself say. Well okay, if you NEVER had motorcycles in your life, Nick would not have grown up with them in his life resulting him having one for himself. This isn't true either. Tracy never had motorcycles in his life and we have been riding them for over 20 years now. So ya.
I know. It's not my fault. I need to let that go.
Tracy and I have both been dealing with the difficulty of getting back on our motorcycle. We ride, but its difficult. Tracy doesn't like to ride like he used to. And I love the idea of riding, but the minute I get on the back of the bike, I am terrified that some idiot will cut us off and cause us to crash. I am on constant alert, and not in a good way. It is very hard for me to relax on the back of the bike. I am terrified that we will have an accident and that one or both of us will be killed or that one or both of us will be disabled. I am terrified that my children will be traumatized further by another motorcycle accident. I have visions of my children crying. It is horrible. Part of me says, it is time to sell the bike and just get another vehicle. Then the other part of me says, "don't let this take away your joy." But the truth of the matter is, every time I get on the bike, I remember my son is dead because of the bike.
I also have this very horrible thought process that makes me feel guilty. In the last couple of months, I have had 2 friends have children run away. I have 2 other friends with children suffering and in the hospital. I find myself being "thankful" that Nick died immediately in his accident. I find myself feeling guilty for feeling relief that Nick didn't lay in a hospital fighting for his life. I feel guilty and selfish for thinking how badly that would have hurt all of us if he had been in the hospital for a long time. I watch my friends and I hear their stories about all of the worry and fears....and I think.. "God, I'm glad we didn't have to go through that." What does it say about me that I would rather live and deal with grief than that kind of worry (that is not just temporary..but life long in some cases).
Yesterday, I was shopping in a craft store and they already had Christmas decorations out. Not crafts to be done, but actual christmas decorations. And I about broke down in the walk way. I don't want to face Christmas this year. This year, it will be the first time we don't have Suzy as part of our family. Yes, there is grief around the changing of relationships with Suzy. Honestly, it is still very confusing when it comes to Suzy. She and I have still not really talked. The only person in our family that she talks to is Tracy and it seems as though (unless something drastic happens) the relationship is at an impasse. That hurts. And yes, I have to grieve that loss too. So the holidays are not looking so fun. While I was on the motorcycle today, I thought about Thanksgiving. I really just wanna go on vacation and do something non-traditional. Is that fair to my kids who want tradition? Nope. But man, I just want to ignore the holidays or do something completely different and distract ourselves.
What all of this boils down to is this: I have been struggling. I hate that I am blogging about this STILL. I want to blog about something happy for a change. LOL. I am doing the best I can. I am back in the gym and treating myself better. I am working out. My body is changing shape (for the better). I am eating better. The whole family is eating better (for the most part). But it takes everything I have to get my ass into the gym. It takes everything I have to get myself to the grocery store and then actually cook. I don't even want to go to parties right now. We forced ourselves to go to a party a couple of weeks ago, and as fun as the party was, Tracy and I were pretty much miserable. (Not the parties fault.) I don't even want to do burlesque. I don't want to do anything but hide in a world of Pokemon hunting and TV shows. But I am forcing myself out of the house. I am forcing myself to do things. I am afraid to talk to my friends. I am afraid that they are going to get tired of me. I know I am tired of me. LOL No, I do not want to go to therapy. I don't think I need therapy. I know what is going on. I know it will take time. I am doing things I need to do to get better. But I hurt. That is all.
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