Hi, y'all! I'm not sure any of this is going to make sense. So read at your own boredom or risk. I have had alot of things floating around in my head lately. Some of them make sense while others do not. And I just need to get them out of my head to maybe shed some light on a few things (for myself...)
It's been a lonely couple of weeks. My bestie was out of town at Burning Man..my other bestie up and moved to Texas but we have chatted quite a bit, and I am so very grateful for him. But things have been weird in "friendville" lately. It's been lonely. Oh wait, I already said that. I have friends. I have a big circle of people. But the issue is, most of them work or they have younger kids at home or they are traveling. I find myself at home with lots of thoughts to myself. That is not necessarily a good thing. For that matter, Facebook is not really a good thing either. Other friends I have on Facebook are sharing things on facebook that I find kind of shocking... well more shocking that they think that way. It's a weird revelation. There is a reason we are told never to discuss politics, religion and sports in public. LOL I find myself feeling unsafe sharing my thoughts on facebook... or even my blog. So I just keep it to myself or let it all out when Tracy gets home, and his response is.. "Get off of facebook!"
Since my last post on here, I had a really ugly break down. I mean REALLY UGLY! I don't think words can do it justice. I ended up walking out of my house and "disappearing" for I don't know how long. I really only walked to the park at the school in my neighborhood, but I left without my phone and didn't tell anyone where I went. I sat on a bench by one of the baseball diamonds and just cried. I cried for hours. One man and his son asked if I was okay. I found a way to muster a smile and assure him I was okay. But I was far from it. For those of you who don't know, I have PTSD and have had dissociative identity disorder (DID). The DID has not been an issue in a very long time (at least while in a sober state). But that night on the bench, I checked out. It's not full on "differnet personality", it is more like I am trapped inside of my brain, and my brain and body refuse to function the way I tell it too. It shuts down. I can not talk and I have to either fight my way back to reality and in control of my actions or I have to sleep it off. Well, while I was crying on this bench as the sun set and it got dark and cold, I checked out. At some point, Nate came by and found me. He sat next to me and I was scared of him and scrambled and turned away from him. (He was so young when I had personality changes; he does not ever remember me with these issues so this was new to him.) Poor kid. He thought I was mad at him (for something he had done earlier before I freaked out). I felt so bad for him. When he left, I just kinda laid down in a fetal position on the bench. Later he came back with a blanket and put it on me. I still could not talk or blink. Snot was rolling down my face and I was unable to clean it up. I had completely checked out. Eventually, Tracy found me. At first he was pretty mad at me then he realized I was checked out. He somehow got me off of the bench and got me walking home, but he had to pretty much hold me up. It was ugly. I was finally in my bed, completely clothed. I was fighting to come back to reality. I needed to tell my son that I was not mad at him that this was not his fault. But I couldn't. I couldn't talk. I fought hard, and finally won enough control to jump out of bed and run into Nate's room. The look on his face was horrifying. He saw my eyes. He knew something was wrong. He knew it wasn't me. He had no idea what was going on. I just wrapped my arms around his neck and held on for dear life as I cried. I needed him to know that I loved him. I some how climbed the stairs to give Omi a hug but she was in the shower. I just went back to bed... and slept it off.
The next day, I was back to "normal". I was able to explain (as best I could) to Nate what had happened and that it was not his fault. And, I went back to taking my anti-depressants that the brain doctor gave me after I had my hysterectomy. I also went back to taking my estrogen (which I had not been taking). Have I mentioned lately, how much I hate pills?
Anyway, I guess I was depressed. I know that I have been profoundly mourning my son. I had been dealing with alot of anger. There have been alot of feelings and it all just became too much (which is why I checked out).
All of this happened right before I was supposed to perform on the burlesque stage. It took everything I had to get back up on that stage. I really just wanted tot say on the couch. I managed to get dressed up. I managed to get to the venue. I managed to smile. While I checked in with the bouncer and had him check off my name on the ticket list, I saw that Suzy was coming. I didn't think much about it other than I was glad she was getting out of the house. Then later when people were coming in, Tracy told me that Suzy and her boyfriend were sitting next to him. Okay. I saw Suzy walking around and I gave her a hug and told her I was glad to see her out. I was busy fluttering around before the show.. like I always do. Nervous energy...and visiting with guests at the show. Then I got on stage and I smiled and I performed. I am always happy when I get on stage. At intermission I made a point of catching Suzy's boyfriends eye and waving and smiling at him. And that is when my night turned. He saw me and actively turned his back on me. When I went to sit beside Suzy and talk to them, he actively avoided me and gave me the cold shoulder. His parents were there, his Mom said hi and was pleasant, but he was rude. As the show went on and he heckled my friend on stage, I became increasingly annoyed and angry. "How dare he come to a show that I am in and treat me that way?" "They don't come to shows in months and when they do it's with his parents and they sit next to us. Going to shows used to be our family thing..now she is here with another family." I was so glad that I did not have to get back up on that stage that night. I was so pissed/hurt. What did I do to him? It was all I could do to go out and dance at the after party that night. As a matter of fact, I just danced alone most of the night.. using dance as my therapy. But I was still so upset. Heavy hearted. A couple of days later, I find that his mom had unfriended me on Facebook. What did I do? I really don't know. And I guess it really doesn't matter. But my heart breaks. When he started dating Suzy, he promised me he was not going to take her away..that he only wanted to add to our family and that he wanted to honor Nick's memory and that he loved and missed Nick. Well instead....our family has been torn apart. It has been made pretty clear that as long as Suzy is dating him, we will never be able to have family gatherings with Suzy. We can see Suzy without him..but not with him around. My heart breaks, but I have to move on. My family has to move on. Naomi misses the sister she thought she had. Nate misses Suzy. Tracy still sees her on occasion at lunches. But that is it. And to be honest...now that she is back to attending burlesque shows... I am just not sure I can handle being on stage with him present. I don't know if I will be able to smile and be happy. I am seriously considering giving in to that and not performing anymore.
With that said, I have a performance coming up in a couple of weeks. A new act I have been working on. I have been dragging my feet when it comes to performing....mostly cause my heart is hurting and finding the joy it takes to practice is difficult. I know once I am on the stage, it is fine. But the getting to that point is very difficult for me right now. But I do love this act. And it will be the last time I get to perform before I have knee surgery.. so perform I will!
That's the other thing. Knee surgery! I get to finally have that knee replacement. Well, the doctor calls it "knee resurfacing". The bottom of my femur will be shaved and have a metal plate put in place. The top of my tibia will be shaved and have a plastic "cushion" put in place with a fin that goes down into the bone to hold it in place. He says I will feel like going to the grocery store within 4 weeks. Let's hope so! My knee is cranky, as usual. But all of the work I have been doing at the gym is helping. I see my legs getting stronger. I see my balance betting better. These are good things! I am really hoping that my knee will get better faster than 4 weeks...thanks to all of the exercise before hand.
I do have alot on my mind. Some of it is just this nagging feeling like I am searching for something. I don't know what it is. I have tried to sort it out, but it is not there. Maybe its just a sense of restlessness. I don't know. I do feel a bit lighter after my break down. Maybe I just needed to cry, cause honestly I had not had a cry like that.. not at all....since Nick was killed. Ya, I have cried.. but not like that... It was good for me.
So here it is.. autumn is just around the corner. It's my favorite time of year. I really want to go hiking up to Stack Rock before my surgery. I just don't know when. My weekends are pretty booked with weddings, performance, and Omi's flag stuff. And I need a friend to go with me cause I don't know how to get there on my own... nor should I go alone (thanks to my knee). I need a friend who can handle my slowness. I want to get out and enjoy this time of year before I am stuck in the house recovering. The gym is important...but man I am such an outside girl! If Brandon was here, he would go with me. LOL
Ah well. I guess I should get off of this thing and get to work on finishing up the costume for my upcoming performance. Thanks for listening to me vent.
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