August 12, 2016 Walking In His Steps Feeling HIs Presence

I have been doing alot of talking to Nick lately.

It started at the beginning of the week with a dream he was in.  He was giving me a hug.  We were so happy.  I woke up with my arms wrapped around me and this very warm feeling.  It was as real as it gets and it felt amazing.  I woke up smiling.  I know it was Nick in my dream.. it wasn't a "dream"; it was REAL and it felt amazing.   That was also the day I found out that the daughter of friends of mine is in a coma after an emergency brain surgery.  The young woman is a teenager and she and her parents are surrounded by a huge support system.  My heart goes out to my friends and their family.  I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through.  However, this has me constantly talking to Nick this week.

The conversation goes something like this:  "Get your ass over to Hannah and watch over her while she fights to come out of that coma!"  "Make sure you are there with her as her body heals.  I don't know where the consciousness goes or experiences while in a coma, but make sure you are there with her to help her laugh and feel strong."

No, Nick did not know Hannah. And truthfully I think I may have only met Hannah once.  But I know Nick is always around and I know he would want to be there for her.  

Anyway, I have been feeling Nick close by.  For a week (at least) my Florida Tech Mom tshirt  has been calling to me but I have not wanted to wear it.  Today I gave in.  I have worn it  many times since I bought it when Nick was killed.  But today when I took it off the hanger and slid it over my skin, I felt a warm hug.  It was Nick again.  He wanted me to feel his hug again.

Truthfully, there has been much going on in this house this week.   Alot of it is emotional.. Healing, talking. connecting, loving.  I guess its not all that surprising that Nick has been around for this.  Today, I decided to take a couple of walks around a couple of parks to do some Pokemon hunting.  But truthfully, Pokemon hunting was just an "excuse" to visit a couple of the parks I went to.  These parks have memories of Nick....especially Kathryn Albertson Park.

As I walked around the park, I kept feeling and hearing Nick talking to me.  I felt his presence.  I sat on a bench where we all sat for photos after his wedding.  I walked on the same paths and bridges.  He was there.  I was walking along looking at my phone for Pokemon and he said, "Look up" and I did.  And right there in the middle of the day was no one but 3 deer.  A mom with 2 of her babies.  They were so close to me.  So beautiful and peaceful.  Mom was very watchful making sure I didn't get near her babies.  I thanked Nick as I witnessed such grace and innocence.

It was a beautiful day to walk through these parks and remember my son.  They are beautiful memories.  No tears were shed, but Nick was calling out to me.  All the while, I kept telling him to go back to Hannah and watch after her.

My thoughts have been with Hannah's parents.  My thoughts have been with my friend who just moved back to Dallas and is helping his parents; he lost his brother (his parents lost a son) several years ago, but his mom has lost all joy and is struggling.  My thoughts have been with her.  It's so hard to lose a child and continue to find joy in life.  It is so hard to out live your children.  It's hard to leave a place that has memories of that child.  When you lose the physical child, you tend to hold on tightly to those memories of that child....not just the memories, but the places, the people attached to your child..anything and anyone who keeps you connected to that child after that child is physically gone.  This is something I don't want my friends, Hannah's parents, to have to feel or know.  C'mon, Hannah, keep on fighting, come back to your family!

Remember at the beginning of the year, I said I was not going to dye my hair so that I could see how much grey is in my hair now?  Well today as I took pictures at the park, its not really the gray that I see, but grief I see on my face.  Even though I may be smiling, I see how grief has aged me.  I am not saying this to cut myself down.  It is just a reality, and one that I set out to accept this year.  I am not the sum of my experiences, but my experiences did help shape me, and that includes the death of my son.  It has changed me.  I will not be the same person I used to be.  But I can be the best me that I am now (whatever that is).  Which, I guess, is why I am learning to accept my gray hair; it is why I am in the gym working on getting healthy again.  My family, the way it is now, is most important.  As Nate told me this week, you can't live in the past; you got to live in this moment.  I raised a wise young man!