As I rushed into the ladies room at Joann's Fabrics, shut the stall door and sat down to relieve my aching bladder a weird memory came flashing back to me.
I was a Junior at J.J. Pearce High School. I had just transferred back to public school after attending a small Christian private school since 6th grade. Since this was my "home" high school, I knew a few people from back when I went to elementary school with them. "Knew" is a broad term. How about, I remembered them, but I was just an unmemorable face in a sea of thousands of faces in that school. Yes, I said thousands. My school had well over 3000 students for 10th-12th grades. And if the truth be told, even my elementary school years were filled with scrutiny and bullying. I was always looked down on. So it's no wonder that when I returned to the public school environment, I was both very timid and and unmemorable.
So what does this have to do with the ladies bathroom?
At Pearce, there was a girl's room on the ground floor in the main hall kind of close to the cafeterias. It's the one you went to, if you were at the cafeterias (yes, we had TWO cafeterias in my high school). Anyway, I don't remember how many stalls were in this girl's room. Five maybe? But it was always packed with girls primping themselves in front of the mirror. I don't think girl's actually used the bathroom for what it was intended for. But I remember having to go rather badly, so I went. And I remember being afraid to pee. I remember being afraid that someone would hear me peeing and make fun of me and spread rumors about how loud I pee'd. Seriously? It's liquid hitting liquid, there is going to be some noise. But I remember how afraid I was of relieving myself in the high school public bathroom. I wanted to go through high school under the radar. I wanted to avoid the bullying of elementary school. I wanted to avoid the name calling that followed me into the Christian school. I just wanted to have a peaceful last 2 years of high school. Was that too much to ask?
As I relieved myself at Joann's, this memory came back to me and I contemplated the silliness of my thinking. I also thought about conversations I had with other students during that year or the year that followed. I remember how "in your face" people could get. I remember how important it seemed to be wearing the right clothes, the right perfume, drive the right car, and yes......the all important question, "Have you had sex with your boyfriend yet?" Navigating high school is like navigating a mine field. One wrong step, and you are toast! I thought about this, and I thought about my daughter who is about to start her Junior year in high school. That's when I decided I needed to write this blog....for all of the daughter's out there facing the mine field that is high school.
1) Everyone has to pee sometime. Seriously. It's okay to go into the bathroom at school and relieve yourself. No one is listening to you pee and judging you by how loud or quiet you are. I know it feels like you are under a microscope, but I promise you, the sound of your urination is not one of the things being considered! So, please, relieve yourself with peace of mind! It's much better than doing the potty dance!
2) The "right clothes". I grew up in the 80's. What was popular? Keds tennis shoes. Guess jeans. Coca Cola shirts. None of these (except maybe the Keds) were inexpensive, and for a girl who was coming from a house with a dad who had been unemployed for a year and a mom who was a secretary, these things were NOT in the budget! Heck, the cars we drove either had a car door that would fly open when you turned the right direction or the drivers seat was broken and had to be propped up in order to sit up straight in it. I remember, for whatever reason, my dad had given me a credit card that was in his name. He told me specifically, "This is to be used for emergency purposes only." Apparently, matching Coca Cola shirts for me and my boyfriend did not constitute an emergency. What my dad didn't understand was that every day, I went to school and felt like I was being ridiculed or left out because I didn't wear the right things. That Coca Cola shirt WAS an emergency of the utmost importance in my teenage world. With that said... even WITH that fancy shirt, I was still on the outskirts of the high school world. So what did I learn? It's not the clothes that earn you friends or make you feel included. Clothes certainly won't fix the issue so don't freakin' break the bank to buy the right kinds of stuff.
When my son, Nate, was in junior high, all he wanted to wear was named brand clothing from Hollister. That is so NOT cheap. I taught him how to shop in the sales section of his favorite name brand clothing stores. Eventually, all he ever wore was Hollister. And you know what happened. All of the kids who wore it turned on him because he started wearing it. It's crazy. High School kids march to the rhythm of their own drum, and they will change that rhythm on a whim, without notice. So stop trying to be like them, and own your own style. You will feel so much more comfortable in your own skin, if you can learn to stop following the crowd.
3) Sex. Sex seems to be a very popular conversation in high school. Who's doing it? Who are they doing it with? Yadda yadda yadda. Let's go back to my junior year at Pearce. Remember, I had just left a private Christian school. At my Christian school, we weren't even allowed to hold hands with someone we were dating much less have sex. And god forbid we talk about it. I remember once, I made the mistake of confiding to people who I thought were my friends. As it turned out, they continued that conversation with other people without me around, and in front of parents and that whole conversation got back to my mom. Not cool. So when I got to Pearce, the last thing I wanted to talk about was how intimate I was with my boyfriend (who is now my husband). I didn't know these people, and seriously, your sex life is your own private world. It is not to be talked about in school with your friends (or people you think are your friends). Anyway, in my home-ec class (cooking), I shared a table with 2 girls and 1 guy. One of the girls insisted that she was dating some college boy with his own helicopter and supposedly the sex was "out of this world". Maybe the helicopter should have been a red flag, but since my school was filled with high school kids driving brand new BMWs and Mercedes, I didn't see it as being to big of a red flag. But boy, this girl kept going on and on about the sex and getting hotel rooms with this boy. Then she would ask me repeatedly if I was having sex with my boyfriend. "You have been with him for nearly 3 years, surely you have had sex by now!" My answer was always "No, I'm still a virgin. We are waiting until we get married." My answer was a bold faced lie, but it was none of her business. What I learned that semester in school was this: The kids who are always bragging about having sex are more than likely NOT having sex and are just trying to impress people (in the wrong way). And those who ARE having sex are likely not talking about it because.. its a PRIVATE MATTER! So when you are in school and listening to your friends talk, keep that in mind. There is always going to be peer pressure to do things, and sex is one of them. If it's not coming from the person you are dating, it might come from your friends who seem to think sex is cool. Sex is not a measurement for how cool or not cool you are. Sex is something that should be shared between people who love each other. Okay, even that may be a stretch. Ideally, yes, it should be. But I also know teenagers who have made very logical, safe and sane decisions to have sex with people they were just friends with. Obviously, I am not a proponent of abstinence until marriage. However, I am a proponent of safe and sane sex. I am a proponent of "No Means NO" and always having consent before any physical touching. Sex is a grown up thing for people who are mature. Respect for yourself and for your partner is of the utmost importance. And yes, ideally, being in a long term relationship is best. "Long term" means more than 2 weeks or 2 months. But again, SAFETY FIRST, no matter when, where or with whom! Condoms ALWAYS....even on top of the the birth control pill! It's not about just preventing unwanted pregnancy.. its about preventing sexually transmitted infections. If you want/need to know more, check out Planned Parenthood (they give you free condoms and they have sex ed classes and you don't need a parent to get on the pill or be seen there.)
Oh ya.. and if you hear some boy say... "Me and this girl had sex" (or something like that) Don't believe him. For that matter, call him out on his shit! Tell him that is private and he should not be talking about it. Most likely, he is telling a lie about the girl, and that really hurts! Call him out on it! I don't know why guys think its cool to put that kind of stuff out there... well other than he wants to look all "manly" and crap. But let's face it, a real man doesn't talk about that stuff in public and certainly wouldn't talk about the girl he respects that way. So ya... call him out on it! Same thing with the girls; cause, ya, some girls like talking about that stuff too. Bottom line: Being sexually active is NOT a status symbol!
4) Drinking and Drugs. In high school BOTH of these are illegal. You will likely be invited and/or attend at least one party where these things are happening. If you do decide you want to partake of such things, please do not get behind the wheel of a car. Don't let your friends get behind the wheel of a car. Be smart! If you are going out with friends who you know will be making a choice to drink or do drugs, then please make sure you have a designated driver who will stay sober and sane and make sure everyone gets home safe. Also, your parents would rather you call them to pick you up than to have the cops call them to tell them their child is dead or has been arrested. If you are going to do stupid things, be smart about it! While we are talking about drinking and drugs, if you are at a party, hold on to your own cup and always be the one to get your own drinks. Be responsible for yourself. Don't trust anyone at the party.. not even your date. Your best bet is to avoid these kinds of parties, but if you can't or don't..just keep these things in mind. Be safe. Be sane. Stay alive.
Also..just an FYI: Boys AND Girls, if someone is drunk they are UNABLE to give consent for sexual activity. Sexual activity without consent is called RAPE. Keep that in mind. There is no excuse for ignorance.. be respectful and know the law!
5) High School is supposed to be some of your funnest years. But for so many, it is filled with anxiety. For so many, it is not a safe place. Even if technically it is safe, sometimes it doesn't feel safe for some kids. Practice kindness. Smile at a stranger; you never know, that smile might save their life. Say hello to a kid you have never met. Step outside of your comfort zone and try something new this year; you might be pleasantly surprised at the friends you make. Remember to make time to study, but also remember to make time to relax and have fun. It seems like high school has turned into this "must work to get into college" thing. This is true, college is a very important thing. But so many kids are over worked and over stressed. Remember to breathe. Remember to make time to have some fun. Go to the dances. If you don't have a date, then get a group of your friends together and go as a group of friends (those are the best kinds of dances anyway). Take silly pictures. Don't be afraid to be goofy. You only get one shot at being a teenager, enjoy it! Be respectful to your teachers, school administration and other students; you are in school to learn and so is everyone else. Don't waste other people's time.
Now get out there and have a great year!!!!!
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