Yesterday marked the 1 year anniversary of Nick's death. I really had no idea what to expect from such a day. I have never really had to deal with this before. I can tell you that the night before, Tracy and I were very, very sad and heavy hearted. We took the kids to see Peanuts the Movie. It was cute, but we still felt sad and heavy. (At least Tracy and I did).
We woke up on the 10th and felt a bit odd. What do we do today? It was kind of like the anticipation of Christmas without the happiness. The whole family had taken the day off. What do we do with this day off. It was after 9 and we were just rolling out of bed. Tracy asked if I wanted to get the kids and go to breakfast. Suzy was already up and drinking hot chocolate. We woke up Naomi. And I double checked and found Nate still in bed so I woke him up. Tricia and Tom had gone to work. So it was just the "original" four of us.
We headed to Cracker Barrell which was Nick's favorite place to go. We feasted on tons of food, but there was no real talk about Nick. We laughed and just kind of acted like everything was normal. It was bizarre.
We came home and Naomi went up to sleep for hours. Tracy slept on the couch. I worked on a memorial video. Suzy napped. Nate picked up Tricia from work. Everything just seemed kind of normal.
The only thing that wasn't "normal" were all of the posts on our Facebook walls. We were getting messages from friends filled with love and support. People were posting "I miss you messages" on Nick's wall. Family members were posting pictures of Nick. Friends were posting pictures of Nick. People all over the country were posting about missing Nick. He was so loved.
What I found a bit odd (or maybe not) were the people who didn't message me. People who were at one time considered my closest friends. They were silent. Nothing from them. The other thing that was odd was a comment on a Facebook post. One of Nick's college friends posted a very touching post about missing Nick. It was very sweet. Then below that one of Nick's friends wrote a horrible, vile comment (not about Nick.....but about the way things changed after his death, and of course, she mentioned Nick in it.) I wanted to scream. I had long since un-friended her after she proved to be a very toxic person and liked using Nick's name and memory as weapon against other friends. Tracy saw her comment was was furious and was going to ask the original poster to remove it. He didn't; and today, that comment was gone. I don't know what happened to it, and I don't care. The only reason I mention it now is because grief has a strange way of effecting people. Friendships fall apart sometimes. It's sad, but true. People misplace their anger an it causes a rift in relationships. IF you can't face grief and look at it for what it is, it will poison the way you live in ocher areas. You have to work through the grief and remember it can color every aspect of you life. You have to learn to dissect and really look at your reactions and your motives. It's hard to do, but it is necessary.
Once Tom got off of work, we all went bowling. We had a great time laughing and bowling and drinking. If you had asked me a year ago, if I would have been okay with Suzy's new boyfriend hanging out with us on the anniversary of Nick's death, I am not sure what I would have said. But to be quite honest, I was glad our morning started with just the "original family" (the ones who lost Nick), but I would not have wanted bowling to go any other way. I wanted ALL of us together, including Suzy's boyfriend. After all, Tom was friends with Nick and he was mourning Nick as well.
Finally, we came home and sat around the fire pit. It was the perfect night for a fire pit. It was cold. The sky was clear. And we had our family together.
Over all, there was not much talk about Nick or memories of Nick. We talked a little bit, but mostly we didn't. I think when you spend a whole year talking about him an thinking about him, the actual anniversary of his death, while sad, was kind of anti-climatic. That's not to say I didn't break down and cry. It's funny what makes you cry. I saw things all day long that should have made me cry. But it wasn't until I saw a post from Chelsea (Nick and Suzy's best friend) about how she and Akeem were remembering Nick that night with Gitas, pineapple pizza and Rocky Horror Picture Show that I busted out into tears. I don't know why THAT got me, but it did. I didn't bawl for long, but I did cry.
Now that a year has passed, an it passed rather quietly and uneventfully (at least from my perspective), I woke up this morning thinking, "What now?"
What if I had spent an entire year wearing black (like some traditions). Today would be the first day I could wear color again. Does that practice actually help with the healing process? Or would I just start grieving once I had the freedom to express myself? I don't know. What if Suzy had decided not to date for the first year? Today would have been he day she would have opened herself up to dating? Would waiting that long have been easier or harder on us? But none of that happened. We spent an entire year, mourning and healing. We spent an entire year moving on with our lives while remembering Nick every single day. Yesterday was just the anniversary of the day he was taken from us. I think I spent more energy and grief worrying about the day, than I did on the actual day. (which is normal)
But what now? One of my friends suggested that my grief would now look like this: "Last year at this time, i was doing (enter activity here)......." So okay, last year on the 11th, i was in shock and flying to Florida to start this process. Before my friend told me this, I actually had this thought process start in my head. And I asked myself, "What are you doing? Do you really want to grieve over the grief process? Do you really want to spend another year looking at things and saying, "A year ago, I was pissed because of this?"
When is enough enough? No I'm not saying that my grief ends now that a year has past. But I refuse to let the healing process be slowed down by looking back at a year's worth of pain when I can choose to look at life and celebrate life. It is one thing to spend a year missing my son; it is something completely different to give up valuable life force energy on looking back at the way I felt over the last year. It's time to move forward.
Because I am writing the book, I will be spending time looking back. But even today, as I did my writing, I felt lighter when I looked back at my blogs and things. Some pain has been removed. It was easier today.
My family has made it passed the one year mark. Not only have we made it passed, but we did it together. We loved together. We communicated openly. We shared happy moments. We cried in each other's arms. We went on vacation. We went to graduation. We met 2 new boyfriends and went through break ups with Suzy. We added family members with Tricia moving in. We settled some more into our home, making it feel like our home. Naomi continues to navigate the drama that is high school and teenage life. Tracy managed to make it through work almost every single day. Nate has found a job that he loves and is great at. I have held it together even on days when I felt like I was falling apart, and I even managed to keep dancing. My family kept on moving. We kept on loving. We pulled together and made it through together.
I am grateful for my amazing family. I am grateful for my children. I am grateful that Tracy and I love each other so much. I am grateful for our friends who have been so very supportive.
I know we will always miss Nick. I know Nick will always be with us. And today, seems to be harder on some of my family than yesterday. But we as a family unit, are strong and supportive and we will work through this together like we do everything else.
Here's to continued healing.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Monday, November 9, 2015
November 9th, 2015 Ticking Time Bomb
Today I really couldn't adult. Actually, I don't think were many in my family who could. Naomi couldn't even "teenager".. well okay, she plays angry teenager well right now.
I seriously just wanted to stay curled up under my blanket today. I kept feeling the feeling welling up inside of me. "Just cry, damn it!" But alas, no tears. I had a speech pathologist appointment today so I HAD to kind of sort of adult. I stood in the shower with really hot water stinging my skin. I could feel the tears reach my eyes, yet, none would actually produce. "Just cry, damn it!" Still no tears. I knew I needed to cry. I have needed to cry for what seems like a week now, but nothing ever happens. This pent up rage was filling me up. I was like one of those noise gauge at a sporting event. The anger gauge was getting dangerously high. No one was going to be safe. NO ONE! I was ready to tear apart innocent teddy bears.
I got dressed and headed out the door. And damn it it, the tears started to flow. Seriously? In my car? While I"m driving? Cant my tear ducts over flow when I'm home safe under a blanket in a dark room? Nope. They wait until I am alone, in a car, in traffic. Stupid!
I changed cars with Tracy at his office. Then I was off to my doctors. But my car needed gas and I needed comfort food. A stop at the gas station with a MacDonald's it was. I put the pump in my car and I ran in. There was NO ONE inside, and even the drive thru lane was not that busy. Yet, I stood at the register for a good 5 minutes while silly little young adults stood round chatting and laughing. They even looked at me and did not acknowledge me.
Did I mention I was a ticking time bomb?
I felt that danger level rising. I was bout to explode. The young man finally took my order. It's MacDonald's. It should be fast. I filled my drink and then stood and waited. I listened to these young people talk about their social life, about facebook posts, about relationships. "Where the hell was my food???!!!!!!" I let out a very loud sigh. The guy who had just ordered looked at me and said, "That doesn't sound good. I'm in a hurry too." I mumbled under my breath, "If they would stop discussion their personal lives, I would have my food and be on my way by now." I was ready to jump over the counter and rip their every loving hearts out!
I took another deep breath. These silly kids had no idea what was going on in my world. They had no idea, they were dealing with a ticking time bomb, and more importantly, the way I was feeling had nothing to do with them. It was not their fault. Another deep breath.
Finally, they gave me my food and I bolted to my car before I exchanged my cheeseburger for a deep fried 20 something.
I arrived at the rehab place and I imagined answering the "How are you" question with, "My life sucks balls right now." But that is really not me. No reason to be crass.
My speech therapy went well in spite of my crying fest. She knew this week would be hard for me and she was very compassionate. We discussed some of my issues. I have discovered (and brought in) some real examples of my reading problems. I have said before that I feel illiterate, and I know I am not. Today, though, I was validated. No, I am not illiterate, but as I was taking a reading comprehension test, we found out that I have some very reason issues that would make me feel illiterate. I had to read a short paragraph about the discovery of the Grand Canyon. I had to read it out loud. My mouth could not form the words and get them out. I sounded like a grade schooler who was trying to read. Then I couldn't even answer the comprehension questions. Yes, indeed, I am experiencing issues that would make me feel illiterate. Once again, I have been told, this is a vision issue and once I get into occupational therapy, this will all start to heal up very quickly. *keeping my fingers crossed*
Tonight, when Tracy got home from work, we were both sitting on the couch feeling like a ton of rocks were sitting on our shoulders. We couldn't even sleep last night. Grief has taken a firm grip. Naomi is feeling weighted down too. We decided to take the kids to see the Peanuts Movie. It was cute, but like any other distraction, once its over, the reality is still there.
*Suzy and Tom, if/when you read the following, please do not take this personally.. its not about you.. its about how I am feeling about the loss of Nick.. not about you two being together. I love you both, and Tom you are good for Suzy and for this family*
Today I have been angry. I was angry that Suzy is happily involved with Tom. I was angry that she is moving on. (While I want her to be happy and I know she will never ever forget my son or stop loving him and generally I am happy for her, right now it is very hard to see her canoodling with someone who is not Nick. This is my issue not hers. I know this is only temporary. But it still hurts.) I want my son back. I believe Naomi is having a rough time too. This morning was really hard for her to have Tom here this morning. I understand. We love Tom. We want Suzy to be happy. And we miss our Nick. I'm really not sure how to reconcile that, and maybe there is not a way. It's like the kids at MacDonald's today. It's not their fault I'm angry. They didn't kill my son. And It's not Suzy's fault and it's not Tom's fault. But right now I want to rage.
Today I felt like I have spent a year caring for everyone else. I feel like I have been strong for everyone else, but I have not allowed myself to rage and cry and be sad. Today I really wanted to just sink into that feeling of sadness and grief and anger. It felt so self-indulgent. But after I left my appointment I saw a post on Facebook from Naomi. She was upset from something at school. Tracy came home from work, he looked like a train had hit him. No time for me to cry, rage or indulge my feelings. I needed to go into mom mode and be there for my family.
I wondered how Tracy was dealing today. I didnt'/couldn't adult today and I don't have a job I have to go. Tracy has a job he has to go to. He has work to do, people to manage, decisions to make. How the hell is he managing this? How the hell has he done this all year? Nope. I dont' get to whine about wanting to sit in a cave and indulge my grief.. not when my husband has to get up and go to work every day... not when my kid has to get up and go to school.... not when Nate has to get up and go into work with a cheery attitude and make his sales quota. I don't get to be sad and mopey in a cave all day.
I have heard about women who had still births, miscarriages, or infant deaths who experience a real pain in their arms like phantom pain from holding a baby.. or missing holding a baby. Today, I felt that. I don't know why. But all of a sudden, I felt this phantom pain of what used to be in my arms.. this little baby of mine. Nick hasn' been a little baby in a very long time, but today I felt as if my young baby was ripped out of my arms. It hurt like none other.
As we drove home from the movie tonight it was 40 degrees with wet streets. I was mentioning how exciting it will be to wake up and see snow on the mountains tomorrow. I expressed my hope for snow on the ground here in the valley. I know Suzy hates it. But I love it. More importantly, Nick loved it. He loved playing in the snow. Tracy suggested that maybe we take off to play in the snowy mountains tomorrow. That sounds like heaven to me. Actually last night when I couldn't sleep, I begged Nick to send snow for the anniversary of his death.
Tonight I was reminded of the years in Arizona. When the first snow hit the mountains, we would take the kids out of school and drive up to the snow. We were often ill prepared for the snow. But we would go out there and build snowmen, sled around and have snow ball fights. We didn't care. IF it was during the day, the kids would skip school. If it was at night, we would go in the dark and play by headlights. This family loves snow! When we first moved here in 2002, the first snow came in November. We were heading to the movies at Edwards Cinema at the Spectrum and flurries were flying. We actually called friends and family in other states and told them. The kids were so excited to see snow in Boise. Nick loved to sled. He loved to ski and then later snowboard. He was fabulous at it! Both he and Nate were fearless...hitting all the jumps they could. Thy loved swishing through powder together. When our entire family was together up on a ski hill, it was magical! It was the perfect day! When were were all together tubing down the Pepsi Goldrush Hill at Bogus, we were always causing a ruckus. The Spiva clan is anything but subtle. We would make big human chains and go super fast. Years ago, part of our chain actually went over the berme at the end. After that year, Bogus slowed down the hill and raised the berme. Yup, we caused that change. The Spiva clan is fearless and crazy and always full of laughter. God I miss Nick.
I seriously just wanted to stay curled up under my blanket today. I kept feeling the feeling welling up inside of me. "Just cry, damn it!" But alas, no tears. I had a speech pathologist appointment today so I HAD to kind of sort of adult. I stood in the shower with really hot water stinging my skin. I could feel the tears reach my eyes, yet, none would actually produce. "Just cry, damn it!" Still no tears. I knew I needed to cry. I have needed to cry for what seems like a week now, but nothing ever happens. This pent up rage was filling me up. I was like one of those noise gauge at a sporting event. The anger gauge was getting dangerously high. No one was going to be safe. NO ONE! I was ready to tear apart innocent teddy bears.
I got dressed and headed out the door. And damn it it, the tears started to flow. Seriously? In my car? While I"m driving? Cant my tear ducts over flow when I'm home safe under a blanket in a dark room? Nope. They wait until I am alone, in a car, in traffic. Stupid!
I changed cars with Tracy at his office. Then I was off to my doctors. But my car needed gas and I needed comfort food. A stop at the gas station with a MacDonald's it was. I put the pump in my car and I ran in. There was NO ONE inside, and even the drive thru lane was not that busy. Yet, I stood at the register for a good 5 minutes while silly little young adults stood round chatting and laughing. They even looked at me and did not acknowledge me.
Did I mention I was a ticking time bomb?
I felt that danger level rising. I was bout to explode. The young man finally took my order. It's MacDonald's. It should be fast. I filled my drink and then stood and waited. I listened to these young people talk about their social life, about facebook posts, about relationships. "Where the hell was my food???!!!!!!" I let out a very loud sigh. The guy who had just ordered looked at me and said, "That doesn't sound good. I'm in a hurry too." I mumbled under my breath, "If they would stop discussion their personal lives, I would have my food and be on my way by now." I was ready to jump over the counter and rip their every loving hearts out!
I took another deep breath. These silly kids had no idea what was going on in my world. They had no idea, they were dealing with a ticking time bomb, and more importantly, the way I was feeling had nothing to do with them. It was not their fault. Another deep breath.
Finally, they gave me my food and I bolted to my car before I exchanged my cheeseburger for a deep fried 20 something.
I arrived at the rehab place and I imagined answering the "How are you" question with, "My life sucks balls right now." But that is really not me. No reason to be crass.
My speech therapy went well in spite of my crying fest. She knew this week would be hard for me and she was very compassionate. We discussed some of my issues. I have discovered (and brought in) some real examples of my reading problems. I have said before that I feel illiterate, and I know I am not. Today, though, I was validated. No, I am not illiterate, but as I was taking a reading comprehension test, we found out that I have some very reason issues that would make me feel illiterate. I had to read a short paragraph about the discovery of the Grand Canyon. I had to read it out loud. My mouth could not form the words and get them out. I sounded like a grade schooler who was trying to read. Then I couldn't even answer the comprehension questions. Yes, indeed, I am experiencing issues that would make me feel illiterate. Once again, I have been told, this is a vision issue and once I get into occupational therapy, this will all start to heal up very quickly. *keeping my fingers crossed*
Tonight, when Tracy got home from work, we were both sitting on the couch feeling like a ton of rocks were sitting on our shoulders. We couldn't even sleep last night. Grief has taken a firm grip. Naomi is feeling weighted down too. We decided to take the kids to see the Peanuts Movie. It was cute, but like any other distraction, once its over, the reality is still there.
*Suzy and Tom, if/when you read the following, please do not take this personally.. its not about you.. its about how I am feeling about the loss of Nick.. not about you two being together. I love you both, and Tom you are good for Suzy and for this family*
Today I have been angry. I was angry that Suzy is happily involved with Tom. I was angry that she is moving on. (While I want her to be happy and I know she will never ever forget my son or stop loving him and generally I am happy for her, right now it is very hard to see her canoodling with someone who is not Nick. This is my issue not hers. I know this is only temporary. But it still hurts.) I want my son back. I believe Naomi is having a rough time too. This morning was really hard for her to have Tom here this morning. I understand. We love Tom. We want Suzy to be happy. And we miss our Nick. I'm really not sure how to reconcile that, and maybe there is not a way. It's like the kids at MacDonald's today. It's not their fault I'm angry. They didn't kill my son. And It's not Suzy's fault and it's not Tom's fault. But right now I want to rage.
Today I felt like I have spent a year caring for everyone else. I feel like I have been strong for everyone else, but I have not allowed myself to rage and cry and be sad. Today I really wanted to just sink into that feeling of sadness and grief and anger. It felt so self-indulgent. But after I left my appointment I saw a post on Facebook from Naomi. She was upset from something at school. Tracy came home from work, he looked like a train had hit him. No time for me to cry, rage or indulge my feelings. I needed to go into mom mode and be there for my family.
I wondered how Tracy was dealing today. I didnt'/couldn't adult today and I don't have a job I have to go. Tracy has a job he has to go to. He has work to do, people to manage, decisions to make. How the hell is he managing this? How the hell has he done this all year? Nope. I dont' get to whine about wanting to sit in a cave and indulge my grief.. not when my husband has to get up and go to work every day... not when my kid has to get up and go to school.... not when Nate has to get up and go into work with a cheery attitude and make his sales quota. I don't get to be sad and mopey in a cave all day.
I have heard about women who had still births, miscarriages, or infant deaths who experience a real pain in their arms like phantom pain from holding a baby.. or missing holding a baby. Today, I felt that. I don't know why. But all of a sudden, I felt this phantom pain of what used to be in my arms.. this little baby of mine. Nick hasn' been a little baby in a very long time, but today I felt as if my young baby was ripped out of my arms. It hurt like none other.
As we drove home from the movie tonight it was 40 degrees with wet streets. I was mentioning how exciting it will be to wake up and see snow on the mountains tomorrow. I expressed my hope for snow on the ground here in the valley. I know Suzy hates it. But I love it. More importantly, Nick loved it. He loved playing in the snow. Tracy suggested that maybe we take off to play in the snowy mountains tomorrow. That sounds like heaven to me. Actually last night when I couldn't sleep, I begged Nick to send snow for the anniversary of his death.
Tonight I was reminded of the years in Arizona. When the first snow hit the mountains, we would take the kids out of school and drive up to the snow. We were often ill prepared for the snow. But we would go out there and build snowmen, sled around and have snow ball fights. We didn't care. IF it was during the day, the kids would skip school. If it was at night, we would go in the dark and play by headlights. This family loves snow! When we first moved here in 2002, the first snow came in November. We were heading to the movies at Edwards Cinema at the Spectrum and flurries were flying. We actually called friends and family in other states and told them. The kids were so excited to see snow in Boise. Nick loved to sled. He loved to ski and then later snowboard. He was fabulous at it! Both he and Nate were fearless...hitting all the jumps they could. Thy loved swishing through powder together. When our entire family was together up on a ski hill, it was magical! It was the perfect day! When were were all together tubing down the Pepsi Goldrush Hill at Bogus, we were always causing a ruckus. The Spiva clan is anything but subtle. We would make big human chains and go super fast. Years ago, part of our chain actually went over the berme at the end. After that year, Bogus slowed down the hill and raised the berme. Yup, we caused that change. The Spiva clan is fearless and crazy and always full of laughter. God I miss Nick.
Sunday, November 8, 2015
November 8, 2015 364 Days of Grief
Okay, not every day has been sad. But at least once a day every day Nick has been in my thoughts. Then again, all of my kids are in my thoughts every day. The only difference is, Nick will never be here physically for me to hold and talk to ever again, and that totally sucks!
This weekend has been filled with moments of breath stifling grief. It's like an elephant sits on my chest. Each breath is hard to take. It's literally a labor of love to take my next breath.
When Nick was killed, we began to take life one breath at a time. Then it changed to one minute at a time, then one hour, then one day until finally here we are knocking on the door of one whole year without this brilliant, silly, talented soul in our lives.
We knew this time was coming. Friends told me this day was coming (like I would be able to forget). They told me not to let November 10th blind side me. They told me to have a plan. Great. Plan is in place. But what I wasn't ready for were these last couple of days leading up to November 10th.
There are times when I feel like it isn't real. There have been times in the last couple of days like I could deny this ever happened. There have been days when I felt like I could make a bargain with whatever force it out there in order to bring him back. I would totally sell my soul to the devil if I believed in such a thing. There have been moments when I might have even forgot about this whole thing and laughed and had a good time. But in the very next moment I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart.
I am angry. I am sad. I am in denial. It is all very real. It is too real. I am worried. I feel like I am shattering into a million pieces. I feel like I have been glue back together again in some cruel joke cause we all know I am just going to shatter again. Resistance is futile! I will be assimilated into this secret society of grieving parents.
This weekend, I have watched a light leave my daughter's eyes. It is a mixture of broken heart from a break up from a boyfriend and a mixture of grief over her brother. How do I dissect the two? I can't. All I can do is hold her. But I can't even promise her that all will be okay. I know we will get through this, but I can not tell her that she will get over this. We will only get through this (never over it). I know that we will find joy again. I know that we will be happy again. But right now, the emotional weather looks like "Sadness with a 100% chance of teary precipitation". Actually, it looks more like "The eye of Hurricane Grief will be passing over our home in the next 24 hours, but the outer rings have already begun to hit and our hurricane shutters are barely holding up."
Tonight, I went to a burlesque show. I had front row center stage seats, my favorite place. I love my Glitter Family! They played with me while they performed. I helped them up the stage, I had dirty little nothings whispered in my ears. I got to squirt mustard on the backside of one of my sisters. I got to help skin a deer. And I even got brought on stage and proposed to by the handsome Chaz! I laughed and I hollered. I had a great time visiting with non performing friends. It was a great night. But as soon as it was over, I was overwhelmingly sad. My sister and mentor came to hug me after the show. She gives the best hugs. (Have I mentioned I love my Glitter Family?.. .and they love me back.) Tonight, I drove home, willing the tears to fall. If the dam of my grief would just break, I would feel so much better, right? But no. All I can feel is the pressure building. I know it's going to burst open, and when it does I am not sure how I will ever be able to collect the pieces and rebuild again.
But rebuild we must.
I guess every year will be like this. I have talked to enough Angel Mommas to know that every year, it will hurt. But those who have been through years and even decades of this promise me, that each year the dam pieces get fewer and fewer. There is hope. But for the time being, please read all of the caution signs carefully. Batten own the hatches, and be prepared, a hurricane is coming.
This weekend has been filled with moments of breath stifling grief. It's like an elephant sits on my chest. Each breath is hard to take. It's literally a labor of love to take my next breath.
When Nick was killed, we began to take life one breath at a time. Then it changed to one minute at a time, then one hour, then one day until finally here we are knocking on the door of one whole year without this brilliant, silly, talented soul in our lives.
We knew this time was coming. Friends told me this day was coming (like I would be able to forget). They told me not to let November 10th blind side me. They told me to have a plan. Great. Plan is in place. But what I wasn't ready for were these last couple of days leading up to November 10th.
There are times when I feel like it isn't real. There have been times in the last couple of days like I could deny this ever happened. There have been days when I felt like I could make a bargain with whatever force it out there in order to bring him back. I would totally sell my soul to the devil if I believed in such a thing. There have been moments when I might have even forgot about this whole thing and laughed and had a good time. But in the very next moment I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart.
I am angry. I am sad. I am in denial. It is all very real. It is too real. I am worried. I feel like I am shattering into a million pieces. I feel like I have been glue back together again in some cruel joke cause we all know I am just going to shatter again. Resistance is futile! I will be assimilated into this secret society of grieving parents.
This weekend, I have watched a light leave my daughter's eyes. It is a mixture of broken heart from a break up from a boyfriend and a mixture of grief over her brother. How do I dissect the two? I can't. All I can do is hold her. But I can't even promise her that all will be okay. I know we will get through this, but I can not tell her that she will get over this. We will only get through this (never over it). I know that we will find joy again. I know that we will be happy again. But right now, the emotional weather looks like "Sadness with a 100% chance of teary precipitation". Actually, it looks more like "The eye of Hurricane Grief will be passing over our home in the next 24 hours, but the outer rings have already begun to hit and our hurricane shutters are barely holding up."
Tonight, I went to a burlesque show. I had front row center stage seats, my favorite place. I love my Glitter Family! They played with me while they performed. I helped them up the stage, I had dirty little nothings whispered in my ears. I got to squirt mustard on the backside of one of my sisters. I got to help skin a deer. And I even got brought on stage and proposed to by the handsome Chaz! I laughed and I hollered. I had a great time visiting with non performing friends. It was a great night. But as soon as it was over, I was overwhelmingly sad. My sister and mentor came to hug me after the show. She gives the best hugs. (Have I mentioned I love my Glitter Family?.. .and they love me back.) Tonight, I drove home, willing the tears to fall. If the dam of my grief would just break, I would feel so much better, right? But no. All I can feel is the pressure building. I know it's going to burst open, and when it does I am not sure how I will ever be able to collect the pieces and rebuild again.
But rebuild we must.
I guess every year will be like this. I have talked to enough Angel Mommas to know that every year, it will hurt. But those who have been through years and even decades of this promise me, that each year the dam pieces get fewer and fewer. There is hope. But for the time being, please read all of the caution signs carefully. Batten own the hatches, and be prepared, a hurricane is coming.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
November 5, 2015 What Kind of Person Are You?
Man, this has to be a quick blog. I need to get ready to go out tonight.
A year ago, before Nick was killed, I was a really happy joy filled person. I was up for anything. I laughed often. I danced all of the time and I didn't anger very easily. I was the kind of person people found inspiration in.
Today, almost a year later, I am not quite certain what kind of person I am. I realize things are a bit fluid with me. I also realize that losing a child changes you (sometimes permanently). I also realize, I get to choose who I get to be. But none of that really makes a person feel better. All of that is a bit cliche.
I realized today that I still have some deep seeded anger under the surface. It usually stays buried unless some idiot driver does something on the road. I have a good case of road rage now. That is definitely something that I picked up since Nick died. I also have a pretty quick temper, which I never used to have. I was the level headed one in the family. The only time I have had anger management issues was either when i was working at a company I hated (back in Florida) or when the repressed sexual abuse issues resurfaced along with multiple personalities. *laugh* So yes, I guess Nick's death could be the source of my anger issues and hopefully one day they will disappear and fade away into the sunset. Until then, you might want to walk on egg shells around me or avoid touchy conversations, and God forbid you tell me you are one of those Planned Parenthood protesters!
The other thing that got me going today was the dream I had just before I woke up this morning.
I was in a school, and I saw Nick. I yelled to get his attention, "He buddy boy, you have time to give your mom a hug?" "No, Mom. I'm late for class. I love you!" And with a smile and messed up hair he ran up the stairs to class. I saw him upstairs through the railing, his eyes bright, his voice deep and playful, "Food!!!! Why didn't anyone tell me there was food up here!!!!" He was laughing an grabbing food as he walked into his class, and I was walking into some sort of concert. I went to sit down by myself, but his friends were there and they asked me to join him. They didt' want me to be alone.
I could actually hear Nick's voice. I could feel his love in his eyes. And everyone around us felt the love between us and I remember thinking in my dream, "I love that he and I could love each other so publicly without shame or embarrassment."
Then I woke up.....and he was gone again. Even as I type this, I cry. I swear its like someone takes him away from me every time I dream about him. It's like he was killed all over again. And it sucks!
How can I NOT walk around mad when that happens? Yes, I can focus on how much he loved me an how amazing we were all together OR I can focus on the grief. But the thing is.....the grief is real and is right here and FRESH. (at least today. tomorrow is a different day.)
So for now, I'm gonna rush and change clothes and get dressed and go hang out with some pretty kick ass women and surround myself with laughter, art, and dance. Heading to RAW tonight!
A year ago, before Nick was killed, I was a really happy joy filled person. I was up for anything. I laughed often. I danced all of the time and I didn't anger very easily. I was the kind of person people found inspiration in.
Today, almost a year later, I am not quite certain what kind of person I am. I realize things are a bit fluid with me. I also realize that losing a child changes you (sometimes permanently). I also realize, I get to choose who I get to be. But none of that really makes a person feel better. All of that is a bit cliche.
I realized today that I still have some deep seeded anger under the surface. It usually stays buried unless some idiot driver does something on the road. I have a good case of road rage now. That is definitely something that I picked up since Nick died. I also have a pretty quick temper, which I never used to have. I was the level headed one in the family. The only time I have had anger management issues was either when i was working at a company I hated (back in Florida) or when the repressed sexual abuse issues resurfaced along with multiple personalities. *laugh* So yes, I guess Nick's death could be the source of my anger issues and hopefully one day they will disappear and fade away into the sunset. Until then, you might want to walk on egg shells around me or avoid touchy conversations, and God forbid you tell me you are one of those Planned Parenthood protesters!
The other thing that got me going today was the dream I had just before I woke up this morning.
I was in a school, and I saw Nick. I yelled to get his attention, "He buddy boy, you have time to give your mom a hug?" "No, Mom. I'm late for class. I love you!" And with a smile and messed up hair he ran up the stairs to class. I saw him upstairs through the railing, his eyes bright, his voice deep and playful, "Food!!!! Why didn't anyone tell me there was food up here!!!!" He was laughing an grabbing food as he walked into his class, and I was walking into some sort of concert. I went to sit down by myself, but his friends were there and they asked me to join him. They didt' want me to be alone.
I could actually hear Nick's voice. I could feel his love in his eyes. And everyone around us felt the love between us and I remember thinking in my dream, "I love that he and I could love each other so publicly without shame or embarrassment."
Then I woke up.....and he was gone again. Even as I type this, I cry. I swear its like someone takes him away from me every time I dream about him. It's like he was killed all over again. And it sucks!
How can I NOT walk around mad when that happens? Yes, I can focus on how much he loved me an how amazing we were all together OR I can focus on the grief. But the thing is.....the grief is real and is right here and FRESH. (at least today. tomorrow is a different day.)
So for now, I'm gonna rush and change clothes and get dressed and go hang out with some pretty kick ass women and surround myself with laughter, art, and dance. Heading to RAW tonight!
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
November 4, 2015 Maybe I should Have Taken Notes???
Today has been a good day. I really do have more good days than bad these days.
I am enjoying writing my novel and have ideas of weaving some of my favorite themes in through it, but who knows.
I met with another angel mom today for coffee. But before we were angel moms we were friends. It was nice to visit with her. We are both writing books about our experiences. I find it interesting that we both lost our sons, but we lost them in different ways. Mine was killed on a motorcycle; her's took his own life. We still grieve, but our grief manifests differently. And beyond that, I have other friends who have lost their children to suicide and still the way they grieve is different than the friend i met today. I have talked to several women about the loss of their children and there is one thing we all have in common, that is that we all grieve differently. There is no real clear course on the journey of grief. There are so many things that play into how we grieve: the relationship we had with our child, the way our child was lost, the age of our child, our faith or lack their of, what tools we already had in our tool chest, the support system we have around us. All of these things, and more, help guide us along our journeys.
There is also a common thread among angel moms that doesn't really get talked about. No one should ever compare their grief to another person. People in the same family will grieve differently over the same death. That is because each person had an individual relationship with the loved one who died. Moms and Dads will grieve differently and sometimes might not even understand why the other grieves the way that they do, and sometimes that lends itself to comparing and might even have one saying, "You don't understand. You have no right to grieve that way." I know that sounds harsh, but after talking to several people, this seems to be common. I think we moms have this feeling like "we carried this child in our womb for 9 months. We felt the kicks deep inside. We felt the hiccups. We were uncomfortable. This child was PART of me." But that doesn't make our grief any more important than the husbands. Nor does it invalidate the grief of he husband or partner who didn' carry the child. And what about adoptive parents who were excitedly waiting for the birth of their child only to have that child not survive birth. That adoptive parent still had hopes, dreams and even love for that child. They still need to grieve. No one can tell you that you are not allowed to grieve and no one is allowed to tell you HOW to grieve or when grief should stop.
This coffee date with my friend Randy was eye opening, and I wish I had taken notes on what I thought about.
The other thing I wish I had taken notes on are the quotes used in Yoga tonight. Nate and i finally made it to yoga tonight. We have been talking about it for months it seems. We finally made it, and the quotes the instructor read were amazing and so on point for my thought process lately. *sigh* Oh well. What can I do. I guess I could have stayed around until she came out an asked here for the quotes, but I didn't. I wish my brain wasn't an in one ear out the other kind of brain.
Here's to a peaceful night's sleep after yoga.. and a beautiful day tomorrow!!!
I am enjoying writing my novel and have ideas of weaving some of my favorite themes in through it, but who knows.
I met with another angel mom today for coffee. But before we were angel moms we were friends. It was nice to visit with her. We are both writing books about our experiences. I find it interesting that we both lost our sons, but we lost them in different ways. Mine was killed on a motorcycle; her's took his own life. We still grieve, but our grief manifests differently. And beyond that, I have other friends who have lost their children to suicide and still the way they grieve is different than the friend i met today. I have talked to several women about the loss of their children and there is one thing we all have in common, that is that we all grieve differently. There is no real clear course on the journey of grief. There are so many things that play into how we grieve: the relationship we had with our child, the way our child was lost, the age of our child, our faith or lack their of, what tools we already had in our tool chest, the support system we have around us. All of these things, and more, help guide us along our journeys.
There is also a common thread among angel moms that doesn't really get talked about. No one should ever compare their grief to another person. People in the same family will grieve differently over the same death. That is because each person had an individual relationship with the loved one who died. Moms and Dads will grieve differently and sometimes might not even understand why the other grieves the way that they do, and sometimes that lends itself to comparing and might even have one saying, "You don't understand. You have no right to grieve that way." I know that sounds harsh, but after talking to several people, this seems to be common. I think we moms have this feeling like "we carried this child in our womb for 9 months. We felt the kicks deep inside. We felt the hiccups. We were uncomfortable. This child was PART of me." But that doesn't make our grief any more important than the husbands. Nor does it invalidate the grief of he husband or partner who didn' carry the child. And what about adoptive parents who were excitedly waiting for the birth of their child only to have that child not survive birth. That adoptive parent still had hopes, dreams and even love for that child. They still need to grieve. No one can tell you that you are not allowed to grieve and no one is allowed to tell you HOW to grieve or when grief should stop.
This coffee date with my friend Randy was eye opening, and I wish I had taken notes on what I thought about.
The other thing I wish I had taken notes on are the quotes used in Yoga tonight. Nate and i finally made it to yoga tonight. We have been talking about it for months it seems. We finally made it, and the quotes the instructor read were amazing and so on point for my thought process lately. *sigh* Oh well. What can I do. I guess I could have stayed around until she came out an asked here for the quotes, but I didn't. I wish my brain wasn't an in one ear out the other kind of brain.
Here's to a peaceful night's sleep after yoga.. and a beautiful day tomorrow!!!
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
November 3, 2015 I Love My Family
Today I had the best idea for today's blog post, but I put off writing till now and something else caught my attention and I can't remember what it was I was originally going to post about. My life has a way of doing that.
I went to more concussion therapy today. I visited with the social worker in charge of my case first. She is the 2nd person to make sure that we were honoring ourselves and our grief process on the 10th. Yes, we are. We also talked about the toll grief has taken on the concussion symptoms that I experience. I do realize that grief has compounded the symptoms, but the symptoms were there before Nick's death. It's okay, we will get this figured out, and maybe, just maybe, the recent flare up will get better after the anniversary comes and goes.
After the social worker, I visited with the speech pathologist. We are making some real progress in therapy with her. It's not really therapy that makes the symptoms go away. It's more therapy to help manage the symptoms and life to avoid experiencing symptoms. Last week we focused on getting all of our bills on auto payment so that I will not forget to pay them (which has been happening entirely too much in the last 3 years). Today we talked about phone apps to be used to help me keep lists and my life organized. I will spend this week going over the apps and getting things taken care of that way. We also discussed the novel writing project and she agreed that it is a great idea as a tool for building my brain endurance. (Ohhhh..that is what I was going to write about.)
We talked about builing my brain endurance. As an endurance athlete, this reallly struck home with me. Though I have a tendency to complete half marathons without training (or even a marathon without training), putting my brain through that kind of fete is even more painful than putting my muscles and bones through that kind of thing. If I run a half marathon or marathon without training, my body may hurt for a couple of days or a week, but I recover pretty quickly (most of the time). But if I try to push my brain to read too much too soon or don't take brain breaks, the hang over on the brain is so much more painful and really does take me out of life for a week. The brain endurance has to be built up gradually and trained just as if I was training my body for a marathon. (I never really thought about it that way).
I also had another realization today. I have been pouting about my brain limitations and having to compensate for my current brain strength. I keep comparing myself to what I used to be (the person who read a book a week). Now it takes me a month to read a book. I used to learn 10 choreos a week for Zumba and now I struggle with 1 choreo in months for belly dance. The more I compare myself, the more unhappy I get. The thing is, I did the same thing with my physical body. I compare where I am today, to the size 10 woman who ran for miles and miles just for fun. My body can't run anymore, and I am guilty of beating myself up. It has taken me quite a while to love my body for where it is right now and for what it can do right now. Looking back gets me nowhere. The only thing I can control is right NOW and I need to appreciate both my body and my mind for what it is an what it can do right now (which is still much more than some people).
Now that I have remembered that, I also wanted to share my thoughts on dinner tonight.
Tonight was a fundraiser for Meridian High School Choir tour. 10% of the food sales went to the choir. The entire family went tonight. All seven of us sat at the table together. We blew straw wrappers at each other. We threw peanut shells at each other. We laughed and giggled an shared food and drink with each other. Omi's eyes were bright and happy. Tom and Suzy as well as Nate and Trish made googly eyes at each other. And then Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's song "Fishing In The Dark" came on. Tracy and I started singing at the top of our lungs. This song came out our senior year in high school, and we used to go to the lake and sit under the stars and kiss to this song. There we were, surrounded by our happy children and remembering our high school years as lovers. I felt such bliss in that moment. I love having my entire family together.
I am so grateful for the beautiful life Tracy and I have created together. I'm so grateful to share every day with my best friend. And I am so very grateful my beautiful kids.
I went to more concussion therapy today. I visited with the social worker in charge of my case first. She is the 2nd person to make sure that we were honoring ourselves and our grief process on the 10th. Yes, we are. We also talked about the toll grief has taken on the concussion symptoms that I experience. I do realize that grief has compounded the symptoms, but the symptoms were there before Nick's death. It's okay, we will get this figured out, and maybe, just maybe, the recent flare up will get better after the anniversary comes and goes.
After the social worker, I visited with the speech pathologist. We are making some real progress in therapy with her. It's not really therapy that makes the symptoms go away. It's more therapy to help manage the symptoms and life to avoid experiencing symptoms. Last week we focused on getting all of our bills on auto payment so that I will not forget to pay them (which has been happening entirely too much in the last 3 years). Today we talked about phone apps to be used to help me keep lists and my life organized. I will spend this week going over the apps and getting things taken care of that way. We also discussed the novel writing project and she agreed that it is a great idea as a tool for building my brain endurance. (Ohhhh..that is what I was going to write about.)
We talked about builing my brain endurance. As an endurance athlete, this reallly struck home with me. Though I have a tendency to complete half marathons without training (or even a marathon without training), putting my brain through that kind of fete is even more painful than putting my muscles and bones through that kind of thing. If I run a half marathon or marathon without training, my body may hurt for a couple of days or a week, but I recover pretty quickly (most of the time). But if I try to push my brain to read too much too soon or don't take brain breaks, the hang over on the brain is so much more painful and really does take me out of life for a week. The brain endurance has to be built up gradually and trained just as if I was training my body for a marathon. (I never really thought about it that way).
I also had another realization today. I have been pouting about my brain limitations and having to compensate for my current brain strength. I keep comparing myself to what I used to be (the person who read a book a week). Now it takes me a month to read a book. I used to learn 10 choreos a week for Zumba and now I struggle with 1 choreo in months for belly dance. The more I compare myself, the more unhappy I get. The thing is, I did the same thing with my physical body. I compare where I am today, to the size 10 woman who ran for miles and miles just for fun. My body can't run anymore, and I am guilty of beating myself up. It has taken me quite a while to love my body for where it is right now and for what it can do right now. Looking back gets me nowhere. The only thing I can control is right NOW and I need to appreciate both my body and my mind for what it is an what it can do right now (which is still much more than some people).
Now that I have remembered that, I also wanted to share my thoughts on dinner tonight.
Tonight was a fundraiser for Meridian High School Choir tour. 10% of the food sales went to the choir. The entire family went tonight. All seven of us sat at the table together. We blew straw wrappers at each other. We threw peanut shells at each other. We laughed and giggled an shared food and drink with each other. Omi's eyes were bright and happy. Tom and Suzy as well as Nate and Trish made googly eyes at each other. And then Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's song "Fishing In The Dark" came on. Tracy and I started singing at the top of our lungs. This song came out our senior year in high school, and we used to go to the lake and sit under the stars and kiss to this song. There we were, surrounded by our happy children and remembering our high school years as lovers. I felt such bliss in that moment. I love having my entire family together.
I am so grateful for the beautiful life Tracy and I have created together. I'm so grateful to share every day with my best friend. And I am so very grateful my beautiful kids.
Monday, November 2, 2015
November 2, 2015 Can Someone Please Stop Time?
We had a crazy weekend and the days keep flying by. While I am ecstatic that the weekend was so fun (compared to last weekend's break up drama), I am not thrilled that the days keep passing and the 10th is approaching.
First let me say, that the weekend was a total blast. It has been a very long time since I have seen Naomi act like a typical teenager. After Naomi started dating Kasey, her anxiety started to get more intense. She would never admit to that, but as her parents we saw a shift in her (after the initial "honey moon period" wore off). I'm not saying it is Kasey's fault; it's more of an observation. Then when Nick was killed, Naomi's emotional state really took a turn. Anyway, it has just been a very long time since she has acted like a typical teenager. The only teenagers she saw (other than Kasey) was her best friend Kenzy and just before school started, she saw Caleb. Other than that, Naomi did not socialize outside of school. This past weekend was a far cry from that.
Friday night she had a group of her friends join her at a Haunted Woods for some Halloween fun. It was Naomi, Lyssa, Cody, Carter and Deklin. We dropped Omi and Lyssa off to meet the other kids and Tracy and I took off on a date night for Sushi and 80's arcade games.
Tracy and I had a blast playing games of our childhood. It brought back memories of hanging out Bunky's doughnuts and playing arcade games while we waited to be picked up. We giggled and laughed and gave each other some competition. It was so fun just to act like kids again.
We finished our $10 in quarters just in time to head out to pick up the kids by closing time at 11:00 pm. When we pulled into the parking lot, it looked pretty deserted but the kids were no where in sight. We waited for a bit until we saw a line of five teenagers coming out, and it looked as if Naomi was holding hands with one of the boys! Oy Vay! She was holding hands with Deklin, a boy she has known since junior high. He used to walk her home from school. I am glad they are hanging out and talking again. But more importantly, ALL of the kids were giggling and laughing. I got out of the car to take a picture of all of them, and we met Deklin's grand dad who had come to pick up Deklin and Carter. It was nice to visit with him for a bit. Then we all piled in our cars to drive home. We were taking Cody and Lyssa home. All the way home, the kids very animatedly talked and giggled about their night. I was grinning from ear to ear.
Saturday, we woke up early to go meet the Ford Excursion guy. We had decided to buy it. She is a beast! That is her name. The Beast. Then it was off to breakfast where Naomi continued to talk our ears off. She was planning an evening with her friends that night. But first, she had horse riding lessons.
We arrived at the ranch and Naomi got to have a group lesson with the other two teenagers who lease with Jami (the trainer). All three of the girls rode circles in the arena following Jami's commands. They even got to switch horses with each other which meant Naomi got to ride the big draft horse, Belle. By the time we were done at the ranch, Naomi was grinning ear to ear. When lessons were over, we hurried home because Omi's friends were expected around 3:00 pm.
By 4:00 the house was filled with the laughter of four teenagers. Deklin, Carter and Lyssa had all arrived and they were hanging out upstairs watching a Supernatural marathon. Tracy and I relaxed down stairs watching movies. We ordered pizza and ate before Trick or Treaters started to arrive. Then I sat outside with Suzy while little kids dressed in their Halloween finest came begging for candy. And by 9:30 pm, all of the extra teenagers were gone for the night; the trick or treaters were done, and my house was quiet. Wow! But it wasn't an eerie or sad quiet, it was the quiet you get from being satiated and happy. Bliss.
Sunday morning came bright and early (well sort of). Omi and I were up by 9am. We were heading out to Birk Arena for a horse play date. Omi got to participate in her first play date and compete in a fun barrel race. She has never even seen it in person much less ridden the patterns herself. She was a complete newbie, and she did great. She wasn't competitive by any means, but she was riding a horse she had never ridden before that day and stepping outside of her comfort zone. It was a HUGE deal! I was very proud of her!
We had to cut the play date short, because Omi is very busy and had a huge Physics project to do (with Tracy's help). She had to build a catapult. Tracy and Omi spent the afternoon/evening playing with that. It was fun to watch them get the power saws out and build stuff together.
I spent the evening at a writer's dinner, which was something completely new and out of my comfort zone. Thank god one of my friends showed up. We had fun catching up, an I left feeling inspired.
But the real meat of this blog came today. I feel like the days just keep ticking on by. We keep getting closer to November 10th, and I would really like to not get to that date.
Suzy drove me to brain therapy today and we talked a bit about how we have been feeling. We both just want the 10th not to come. We both feel like we can be doing perfectly well one day and then BAM we are hit with grief. Right now we are doing great, but what if the 10h comes an we are shattered. Or worse, what if the 10h comes and we aren't. We are suppose to be sad, aren't we? But right now, we are actually doing pretty well an we are pretty happy. Is it okay to be happy? Suzy said, "Nick would want us to be happy. He and I talked about this before he died." (That was news to me.) She said, "These are important conversations to have with the people you love. What do you want done with your body in case you die? What would you want for your family?" All of that is important. And I agree. Tracy and I have had that conversation before. And, yes, Nick would want us to be happy, and we are.
Though I did tell Suzy that I still find it odd to see pictures of her with another family (her boyfriends family). I see her in the back seat of a car with Tom kissing her cheek and his little sister, Lyssa on the other side and I think, "That should be Nick kissing her cheek and Omi on her other side." It hurts. It stings. But she is happy and that is what we all want. It's just odd.
We also talked about funeral homes not offering multiple (personal) viles or urns with loved one's ashes. When they cremated Nick, they only offered us one Urn. But what if multiple family members want their own "piece" of the loved one? It was an interesting conversation, and we are going to do some research and see what we can do. I just always thought that at some point, we would scatter his ashes and not keep them. But it might be kind of nice to have something like a blown glass art piece that incorporated his ashes. (Yes, that's a real thing.)
We also talked about what we wanted to do on the 10th. She too, has contemplated going back to Florida to visit the corner of Eber and Dairy where Nick was killed. I thought it was just me and that I was weird. But nope. Suzy had been thinking it too. But I think we are going to go bowling and have a fire pit and burgers that night.
One thing is for certain, Suzy and I loved Nick very much. I'm glad that she and I can talk about this stuff together and share our memories of him. I'm glad we can share her new love interest and be happy about that together. I'm glad that as a family, we seem to be doing well. But I really would like he calendar to stop flipping so that the 10th doesn't actually come.
First let me say, that the weekend was a total blast. It has been a very long time since I have seen Naomi act like a typical teenager. After Naomi started dating Kasey, her anxiety started to get more intense. She would never admit to that, but as her parents we saw a shift in her (after the initial "honey moon period" wore off). I'm not saying it is Kasey's fault; it's more of an observation. Then when Nick was killed, Naomi's emotional state really took a turn. Anyway, it has just been a very long time since she has acted like a typical teenager. The only teenagers she saw (other than Kasey) was her best friend Kenzy and just before school started, she saw Caleb. Other than that, Naomi did not socialize outside of school. This past weekend was a far cry from that.
Friday night she had a group of her friends join her at a Haunted Woods for some Halloween fun. It was Naomi, Lyssa, Cody, Carter and Deklin. We dropped Omi and Lyssa off to meet the other kids and Tracy and I took off on a date night for Sushi and 80's arcade games.
Tracy and I had a blast playing games of our childhood. It brought back memories of hanging out Bunky's doughnuts and playing arcade games while we waited to be picked up. We giggled and laughed and gave each other some competition. It was so fun just to act like kids again.
We finished our $10 in quarters just in time to head out to pick up the kids by closing time at 11:00 pm. When we pulled into the parking lot, it looked pretty deserted but the kids were no where in sight. We waited for a bit until we saw a line of five teenagers coming out, and it looked as if Naomi was holding hands with one of the boys! Oy Vay! She was holding hands with Deklin, a boy she has known since junior high. He used to walk her home from school. I am glad they are hanging out and talking again. But more importantly, ALL of the kids were giggling and laughing. I got out of the car to take a picture of all of them, and we met Deklin's grand dad who had come to pick up Deklin and Carter. It was nice to visit with him for a bit. Then we all piled in our cars to drive home. We were taking Cody and Lyssa home. All the way home, the kids very animatedly talked and giggled about their night. I was grinning from ear to ear.
Saturday, we woke up early to go meet the Ford Excursion guy. We had decided to buy it. She is a beast! That is her name. The Beast. Then it was off to breakfast where Naomi continued to talk our ears off. She was planning an evening with her friends that night. But first, she had horse riding lessons.
We arrived at the ranch and Naomi got to have a group lesson with the other two teenagers who lease with Jami (the trainer). All three of the girls rode circles in the arena following Jami's commands. They even got to switch horses with each other which meant Naomi got to ride the big draft horse, Belle. By the time we were done at the ranch, Naomi was grinning ear to ear. When lessons were over, we hurried home because Omi's friends were expected around 3:00 pm.
By 4:00 the house was filled with the laughter of four teenagers. Deklin, Carter and Lyssa had all arrived and they were hanging out upstairs watching a Supernatural marathon. Tracy and I relaxed down stairs watching movies. We ordered pizza and ate before Trick or Treaters started to arrive. Then I sat outside with Suzy while little kids dressed in their Halloween finest came begging for candy. And by 9:30 pm, all of the extra teenagers were gone for the night; the trick or treaters were done, and my house was quiet. Wow! But it wasn't an eerie or sad quiet, it was the quiet you get from being satiated and happy. Bliss.
Sunday morning came bright and early (well sort of). Omi and I were up by 9am. We were heading out to Birk Arena for a horse play date. Omi got to participate in her first play date and compete in a fun barrel race. She has never even seen it in person much less ridden the patterns herself. She was a complete newbie, and she did great. She wasn't competitive by any means, but she was riding a horse she had never ridden before that day and stepping outside of her comfort zone. It was a HUGE deal! I was very proud of her!
We had to cut the play date short, because Omi is very busy and had a huge Physics project to do (with Tracy's help). She had to build a catapult. Tracy and Omi spent the afternoon/evening playing with that. It was fun to watch them get the power saws out and build stuff together.
I spent the evening at a writer's dinner, which was something completely new and out of my comfort zone. Thank god one of my friends showed up. We had fun catching up, an I left feeling inspired.
But the real meat of this blog came today. I feel like the days just keep ticking on by. We keep getting closer to November 10th, and I would really like to not get to that date.
Suzy drove me to brain therapy today and we talked a bit about how we have been feeling. We both just want the 10th not to come. We both feel like we can be doing perfectly well one day and then BAM we are hit with grief. Right now we are doing great, but what if the 10h comes an we are shattered. Or worse, what if the 10h comes and we aren't. We are suppose to be sad, aren't we? But right now, we are actually doing pretty well an we are pretty happy. Is it okay to be happy? Suzy said, "Nick would want us to be happy. He and I talked about this before he died." (That was news to me.) She said, "These are important conversations to have with the people you love. What do you want done with your body in case you die? What would you want for your family?" All of that is important. And I agree. Tracy and I have had that conversation before. And, yes, Nick would want us to be happy, and we are.
Though I did tell Suzy that I still find it odd to see pictures of her with another family (her boyfriends family). I see her in the back seat of a car with Tom kissing her cheek and his little sister, Lyssa on the other side and I think, "That should be Nick kissing her cheek and Omi on her other side." It hurts. It stings. But she is happy and that is what we all want. It's just odd.
We also talked about funeral homes not offering multiple (personal) viles or urns with loved one's ashes. When they cremated Nick, they only offered us one Urn. But what if multiple family members want their own "piece" of the loved one? It was an interesting conversation, and we are going to do some research and see what we can do. I just always thought that at some point, we would scatter his ashes and not keep them. But it might be kind of nice to have something like a blown glass art piece that incorporated his ashes. (Yes, that's a real thing.)
We also talked about what we wanted to do on the 10th. She too, has contemplated going back to Florida to visit the corner of Eber and Dairy where Nick was killed. I thought it was just me and that I was weird. But nope. Suzy had been thinking it too. But I think we are going to go bowling and have a fire pit and burgers that night.
One thing is for certain, Suzy and I loved Nick very much. I'm glad that she and I can talk about this stuff together and share our memories of him. I'm glad we can share her new love interest and be happy about that together. I'm glad that as a family, we seem to be doing well. But I really would like he calendar to stop flipping so that the 10th doesn't actually come.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)