We stayed in Yachats (pronounced Ya-Hotz). This little coastal town had no traffic lights and only a couple of actual hotels. The rest were cottages and homes. There were no commercial chains of any type. The coffee shop (The Green Salmon) was an organic tree hugging all natural vegan/vegetarian coffee/tea shop that is absolutely PACKED on a Sunday morning. The best sea food was a local place called Luna where they go out fishing and serve what is caught that day. They serve their fish grilled or fried and their beers and wines are all from Oregon or Washington. The main restaurant has 6 2 tops and one 6 top. Then there is an outside tent with heaters and a live band on the weekends. The Out of Gas Pizza joint has spicy pizza sauce and serves soda by the can and only 1 size pizza (16"). They also serve the most amazing garlic rolls! But our favorite place to eat was Heidi's Italian Dinners; its a family owned and ran unpretentious Italian restaurant..the closest to fine dining Yachats has to offer. The owner is passionate about his wine and swears that the 2011 French Wins are going to be amazing in 2 or 3 years. Not only is he passionate about his wines, but his food is exquisite and on point and so amazing! The best Italian food I have had since The Stinking Rose in Little Italy in San Fran. The pricing was on point and so worth it! The locals in Yachats are fabulous and LOVE where they live and are a bit protective of their little town.. as well they should be. The beaches are clean and uncrowded. And Yachats has some amazing secrets that people will miss if they don't know about them! I so want to go back and just spend the entire time in Yachats...no leaving.
We did venture outside of Yachats. We managed to tour 1 light house, hike to one (in Yachats), and see 2 more from afar. In total 4 out of 8 light houses on the Oregon Coast. There is something so romantic about light houses. They are not just about "warning land is near by" but on the West Coast they are about 40 miles a piece and created to help merchants navigate the coast line to help with commerce. So cool.. I had no idea. The beach at Yaquina Head (in New Port) is made of black rocks that are next to impossible to walk on, and had me falling 3 times. By the time we walked back up the stairs, the ranger commented, "You made it out in one piece." Ya, I guess he was watching me. On the way into Yachats from Portland, we took a jaunt to Tillamook and hiked up to a waterfall. We were complete rebels and went beyond the "Trail is closed" sign and went right to the base of the 319ft waterfall. There was petrified wood that acted like a slide and I slid down it (not into the water). It was so much fun. I also learned that you can't go backwards in time. Some things are just better left there (quite literally). We are given memories for a reason and a feeling associated with those memories and trying to revisit them can sometimes end poorly. In this case, it meant, we spent 4 hours in a car to try and visit some places I had been before and we could not find, and what we did find didn't live up to what I remembered. However, I did have the most excellent Halibut sliders in a little fishing town called Charleston.
Anyway, it was a great weekend, and I am very grateful for our time together.
With all of that amazingness, there are places deep in my heart that hurt from the loss of Nick. I set it aside so I can focus on living my life and focusing on the good things and the ones that still live. I can't let grief consume me.
With that said, I am forcing myself to come out of self-imposed hiding. Okay, maybe to alot of people it may seem as though I am not hiding cause I am busy. But I am busy with my family. It takes actual work and conscious thinking and planning for me to make plans to go out with my friends. It's really easy to say, "yes, let's get together soon" and not follow through with that. It's easy to stay at home and binge watch TV and live in my own little world. Its REALLY easy after I fall and injure myself. It's easy to sit on my couch and eat food and do nothing and hide. If it wasn't for my friend Mishi, I don't think I would see anyone outside of my family. She forces me out or she invites herself over. She has made it her mission to make sure she is here for us at every turn after Nick's death. So last week before I left for vacation with Tracy, I called another friend of mine and made plans to get together when I returned (which we did last night).
Tami and I have been friends for 7 years now. We have had our ups and downs, but whats important is that we love each other through it all. We had so much fun last night. We laughed and caught up and it felt so great to just be me and be silly and talk with someone who understands all of me..including my grief (at least in part). We actually met shortly after her little brother died in a plane accident. I didn't understand her grief then. But I tried. She understands some of my grief but not all of it, but she tries. She laughs with me and cries with me. But we talked about so much more than that. But most importantly, the last time I saw her (in January) my pain was still so raw. After spending time with her last night, I was able to see how much healing I have done. That felt good too.
As I was getting ready for my date night with Tami, I was putting my make up on and looking in the mirror and I heard myself narrating my life as I did this. All of a sudden I felt like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in The City. For a moment, I wondered if I could just write a book and narrate my life and all of my crazy stories like Carrie did. This had me amused and thinking as I drove to meet Tami. Then as Tami and I talked, we laughed about our stories and our lives and both of us said, "We could write books about our adventures." This isn't the first or even 100th time I have thought this. And it certainly isn't the first time I have voiced it. I have often thought about writing about my crazy adventurous life. I have entertained people in real life with my stories and watched them laugh and ask for more, and I wonder if it would translate well in written word. I don't know. It's something to think about, anyway.
One last thought before I close out this long blog post. I have contacted the St. Al's Brain Injury Clinic. It's been over 2 1/2 years since my concussion and I still have some long last affects, including some pretty serious memory loss and issues. I have long term memory loss (like from way way back) but I also have short term loss. I am forgetting MAJOR and important things that cause serious issues in my life. I also have issues with counting and dealing with money in a work environment (I noticed while volunteering at the concerts). I also have issues over stimulation and concentration when too many things are going on. All of these things make it pretty hard to be employable if I wanted to have a job. It limits me to busing tables or work that takes no brain work. Busing tables is admirable work, but it won't pay the bills if ever I find myself needing to fend for myself. I need to be employable if I ever decide to work again. I also want my brain back so I can learn and retrain things. So back to the doctors I go and hopefully they have some kind of occupational therapy to help me get my brain back. I honestly feel so "not smart". I used to read amazing books to help me learn and grow. I used to be able to hold intelligent and interesting conversations. Now, I just feel like a "dumb jock"...minus the "jock" part these days thanks to back injuries. So not only have I lost my brain. I feel like I have lost my fitness and athleticism as well. Then on top of all of that. I lost my son. Can someone please give me my life back? I'm hoping the doctors can help me get a little piece of it back at least.
Onward and Upward!!!!
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