I had another bad dream early this morning as I was waking up. I was supposed to be meeting my friend Mishi at the gym at 7:30 this morning, but she had to chance plans. I was already grumpy and didn't really want to see anyone anyway. I didn't think anyone deserved to put up with my kind of grumpiness...which as it turns out is pretty close to out right anger. I could have decided to just be lazy after taking Omi to school; instead I decided to use the early morning time to get food into the crock pot so we had dinner ready for after belly dance. I took Tracy to work and then decided to head to Eagle Island State Park to get some quick laps in. Some nature therapy and some movement sounded good to me.
My pace was not as quick as I wanted it to be and I got a later start than I thought and I had a weight watchers meeting at 11:45 so about a mile into my hike, I decided one 1 lap and then re-evaluate. At the end of my first lap, I decided I was close enough to 3 miles to just keep going until I reached 3 miles. I did 3 miles with a 17:38/mile pace. Way to sleep for that flat course, but it got me out and moving which was important
Every time I walk this path, I have to be careful of the river rocks along the path. I am constantly stepping on one and twisting an ankle (or trying to anyway). So I keep a close eye on the path in front of me, always on the look out for the rock with evil intentions. *laugh* But today a very special stone caught my eye. It was in the shape of an egg. It was sitting there straight up and down, on top of the sand, with no other stones anywhere near it. At first, it caught my attention and I thought, I should pick that up and bring it to my friend, Jeannine, in Washington when I see her on Labor Day Weekend. She just became a doula, and I thought this was appropriate. She also has a thing for stones. But I just passed up stone up. I like to leave things where they are if I can. But once I was a few yards ahead, I heard it calling to me. So I turned around and went back to it. There it was, the ONE stone standing up right in the sand all on its own. It was calling to me. It told me to take it to Jeannine. So I picked it up and put it in my jacket pocket.
I continued to walk thinking about the egg in my pocket. I could feel its weight in my unzipped jacket. It was swinging back and forth and occasionally my hand would hit it (more specifically my sore thumb with the healing raw wound from a broken blister). As my hand kept hitting it, and as it swung in my pocket, it talked to me. Yes, the stone talked to me, and no I was not stoned. LOL
So which came first? The Egg or the Hiker? I'm going with Egg since it was there before I got there. LOL. But its deeper than that. Before I was a hiker, before I was anything, I was an egg in my mom's ovaries. Before the egg was inseminated, I was just an egg with endless possibilities. There was no gender assigned. There was no sexual orientation assigned. The egg was a blank slate. So here I was, hiking, and I came across this egg reminding me that even though some things are pretty much written in stone (pun intended), I am still a being of endless possibilities! I can be and do anything I put my mind too. This egg swang in my pocket and told me that this is a new beginning. This morning in all of my grumpiness, in all of my grief, today is a new beginning.
Then I thought, what am I inseminating *my* egg of life with? What do I want for the life that starts with this egg? While most people are harvesting what they planted in the spring, I am now sitting here in the harvest time of the year thinking about what I am planting. This also comes at a time when I am looking at starting a new Health Challenge on September 7th. A new season is approaching.. its actually my favorite season of the year. I love the fall. Every time a season changes, it gives me a chance to look at my life and figure out where I am going and what I am doing with it.
I may not have the answers yet, but it is worth considering. Focusing on my health. Getting back into some kind of therapy for issues I am still having from the concussion is on my agenda. Focusing on my friendships. I have been in a self induced hermit hole since Nick died. I am alot of things, but a hermit is not one of them.
Today in Weight Watchers we talked about our super powers, and there was a list of personality attributes to choose from. First we had to choose 5, then 2 from the 5. Those 2 are our super powers. Mine were Gratitude and Kindness. But then we had to pick one to work on this week. I chose Bravery. Last week I rode some roller coaster rides that really freakin' scared the hell out of me. I was asked if I wanted climb up to a deer blind. I took one look up the ladder and said "Oh hell no! Not without safety harnesses!" I have been afraid to give up certain comfort foods because they are my comfort foods and I'm holding on to them tightly since Nick died. There are a few things that scare me. I need to focus on bravery this week. How will I do that? What can I do this week that freakin' scares me? Am I ready to give up a security blanket such as my comfort food? I guess I will have to.
So what are you fertilizing your egg with? The possibilities are endless!
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