The waves of grief just sneak right up...just as a hurricane is heading for Florida. I feel like that hurricane is at my shore right now. The winds have kicked up. The waves are crashing in. They are over my head and I feel like I might drown.
Last Friday morning on my last day of vacation, I woke up with horrible nightmares. In my dream I was thrashing and screaming and crying and begging for this all to not be true. I was an absolute mess. I stood in the shower and cried as the water washed over me. I stepped out of the shower and grabbed the towel to dry off and ended up clutching the towel and crumbling to the floor in a crying mess.
Ever since that morning, I have had 3 more bad dreams about losing Nick. I feel the grief consuming me again. I'm angry again. I just want to plow someone over (like that is going to bring my son back).
Then today as I was feeding my emotions (ya.. I know what I said in my blog yesterday) I was looking for some diet coke and I opened up the cabinets we have our alcohol glasses in (as well as the cokes with names of the kids on them). I saw a diet coke with Nick's name. I smiled and shook my head and said, "Not today, Nick, I'm okay." I found a different diet coke to drink.
Then I came back to my computer. My heart was feeling heavy and the food I was feeding my emotions with just wasn't really helping. Then I opened my email. There was an email from a Dr. Lazarus from FIT. I don't recall ever meeting him. But he sent me an email with an attachment. It was a peer review in which Nick was a co-author. Again it was about lightning. Dr. Lazarus wanted us to have this paper. He wanted us to know that Nick was missed and how much he enjoyed working with Nick.
I forwarded the email to Tracy and Suzy and I cried. The hurricane winds picking up and the waves crashing at my shores. I sure will be glad when this most recent storm of grief passes.
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