When you think of "Family Vacation" your first thought might be the Grizwold family adventures. Or maybe your first thought is a memory of your very own family vacations or long road trips with the family. When I think of family vacation, I tend to think about all of the fun my family has when we get together.
It's funny, but "family vacations" became a "thing" for us back when Tracy was traveling all of the time. We didn't get to see him much. He worked out of state all week and came home on the weekends. We had taken other family trips to visit other family members and those were vacations, but they weren't really centered around doing things.. rather just hanging with family. They were not the "vacations" you see people taking and going to the beaches or where ever. But when Nick was in high school and Tracy travelled all the time, we decided to pile the kids in the car and head to wherever Tracy was working. First it was San Fransisco. We headed up on a weekend and spent the weekend playing and enjoying the entire family together. Then Tracy would head off to work on Monday and I would spend the week days with the kids playing tourist while Tracy worked. Then he would get off of work and we would all be together again and do some more sight seeing. We did this in Seattle once too. These kinds of vacations drove Tracy crazy cause he had to work. But at least we got to hang with Tracy and have the family all together and we got to do some fun things we might not have done otherwise.
Then Nick and Suzy got married and moved across the country. The dynamic of our family vacation changed. It became the time that we spent and got to see Suzy and Nick. We would travel to Florida and spend a week going to the beaches, snorkeling, surfing, going to amusement parks and just having fun with the kids. Sometimes, Nick and Suzy got to come here and hang with us. And one year we all met in Dallas to get together with Tracy's folks in East Texas. That was such a fun trip! A week of hiking, blue berry picking, playing dominoes, swimming, canoeing and even going into Dallas to go to Six Flag with my brother.
"Family vacation" was a magical time when the whole family could be together.
Then this year... we were all looking forward to family vacation. But there was the elephant in the room. Nick is missing. There was lots of crying on this vacation. Even if you didn't see it, there was someone crying at last once a day. Even if no one actually said it, we all felt it. We did our best to laugh and enjoy each other and live in the present, but it didn't stop us from feeling the loss. The first family vacation without Nick was bound to happen. Just like every other first in our lives since his death. Yes, we laughed and we had a great time. But there was still pain mixed in too. And now that I am home and just dropped off Omi to school, it is all sinking in.
I did okay on the "family" part of our vacation. I held it together pretty well considering. But when we were in Washington visiting friends, I had a really bad dream on Thursday night. I woke up with my face soaked in tears and snot running down out of my nose. I was truly sobbing in my sleep. In my dream I was screaming about losing Nick. I was thrashing and begging the universe to bring him back. It was so hard to wake up and find my happy again after that dream. So very hard. But I wasn't going to let it ruin my last day of vacation.. my trip to Seattle with my friends..or the baseball game or any of it. I did manage to shake off that feeling for the most part. It never went away, but i was at least able to have some fun.
The thing about last week....we spent the week with Todd and Angie who are in the throws of the first anniversaries of 2 very catastrophic accidents in their family. One was a friend of theirs who is still alive but is still struggling on a daily basis. The other was their brother in law who was hit while riding his bicycle and didn't make it. So ya. Hanging with them last week was the right place to be. They understand. We understand. And it was okay to wake up crying in their house.
There are just some things that are just too hard to deal with. The loss of a child is one of those things. I'm sure the loss of a spouse and the loss of a parent and the loss of a sibling rank right up there. Today is one of those days I just don't feel like adulting. I would much rather hide in a dark room and pretend November 10th didn't happen. But pretending doesn't make it go away.
I finally got a canvas printed from our Family Pictures taken last year while Suzy and Nick were here on vacation. I am scared to open the box and hang the canvas. It sits in my entry way leaning up against the wall just waiting for me to open it. But I am scared. I had so much fun taking those pictures with my kids, and I love this particular shot. But I wish I had known then it would be the last time we took pictures together.
Gah.. this blog is depressing.. even to me! I'm just gonna say this. With all of the sadness felt, vacation with the kids (and the after vacation in WA) was a total blast. Riding the Hiawatha Trail with my family was perfect. Silverwood is a theme park I don't ever have to go back to again, but we had a great time even if there were tears of fear shed and a ride that scared the you know what out of me. I can say I have ridden the rides and I don't have to ride them again. *laugh* Riding the carousel in Spokane was freaking fantastic! Hiking with Tracy and Angie was a total blast and so gorgeous! Kayaking with Angie was a challenge and so fun. Hanging in Poulsbo with Jeannine, Tracy, Angie and Brian was a barrel of laughs..my abs hurt so bad after that. Bear hunting with Todd at the back of their property was fun, even if I did fall into a raspberry bush. And Seattle with Angie and Todd was too much fun. It was a great week and I am so very grateful for all of the goodness.
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