Turned Grieving Mom....
Okay, don't panic, y'all. I haven't been pregnant in over 16 years. But today, while making a quick stop at the grocery store, I was hit with a thought and a few memories. And it's that thought that prompted this blog post today.
When I was pregnant with Naomi, I knew she would be our last baby. No matter if she had been a boy or a girl, 3 c-sections was enough for me. Another pregnancy could have been too risky at my age. Not very many people know this, but I also had this horrible feeling that I was going to lose this baby (Naomi) during birth. Not only that, but I also thought I was going to die while giving birth to her. The night before I went in to deliver Naomi, I wrote letters to Nick, Nate and Tracy and even to Naomi in case she survived I didn't. These were the crazy thoughts of a neurotic pregnant woman. But they felt so very real. The idea of losing the child I was carrying was just too much. The idea of me dieing and never seeing my kids grow up or hold them again destroyed me. I cried an ocean while writing these letters.
Fast forward to today...nearly 10 months into the grief of my oldest child.
The last couple of weeks have been very hard. I don't just miss Nick, but I miss my family. I know my family is right here under one roof. But we are all hurting. It feels like we are all ghosts just walking around in the house. I want to DO something with them. I want to CONNECT with my children. We were supposed to have a Cards Against Humanity game tonight with some friends. But Tracy has been running a fever for 3 days (and a cold for 2 weeks). Naomi now has the cold. I cancelled the card game yesterday before I knew Omi was sick. It was the right thing to do. But this morning, I REALLY needed time with my family. Tracy is working. Omi is lying on the couch sick. Suzy is up in her room. Nate is in his room writing a song on his guitar. Tricia took off yesterday to a friends house and is not home. I just want to spend time with my family doing something other than watching TV with Tracy (and Omi). But that wasn't happening today. We asked Nate and Omi if they wanted to go to the movies. Nate said he wanted to stay home and write a song. Omi isn't feeling well. The idea was to have the whole family go. If Nate didnt' want to go...then we didn't bother asking Susan. Then Tracy said, well lets go get food. Again, we asked the kids. Nate still didnt' want to go. Suzy had just eaten. Omi went with us. But in the car, on the way to food, I silently cried. Ever since Nick died, I feel like my family is just falling apart. I want to connect with my kids. I NEED to connect with them. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to fix anything. I feel like such a bad mom. All I want is for my family to be together and connect.
After lunch, I had to stop at the grocery store to buy some bread to go with our soup for dinner tonight. Then it hit me....
I remembered how scared I was about losing Naomi during birth. The loss of a child during birth is the reason that I didn't get my tubs tied while I was on the table having a c-section. I knew a 4th pregnancy at my age would have been risky. But I knew that if I had lost my child on the table, I would want to have another baby. When Naomi was born healthy, and I survived and life was great, we sent Tracy in to get a vasectomy (it was his turn to have surgery).
So here I was in the grocery store being hit with this memory. And it reminded me that many times when people lose a dog or a cat, it doesnt' take them long to go out and get another fur baby. They just want something to love and a companion. Here's the deal. I still have my children at home, but I still have a hug hole in my heart. I am still missing a huge part of me. Nick is gone and is not coming back. And its not like I can just go out and get another child to replace him. I can't get pregnant again, and honestly at 46, I don't want to have or raise another baby. But there is nothing I can do to make this pain go away. There is nothing or no one that will replace what I have lost.
I know my family will heal. But right now.. it all just hurts. I wish it was as easy as going to the animal shelter and adopting a new fur baby.
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