Turned Grieving Mom....
Okay, don't panic, y'all. I haven't been pregnant in over 16 years. But today, while making a quick stop at the grocery store, I was hit with a thought and a few memories. And it's that thought that prompted this blog post today.
When I was pregnant with Naomi, I knew she would be our last baby. No matter if she had been a boy or a girl, 3 c-sections was enough for me. Another pregnancy could have been too risky at my age. Not very many people know this, but I also had this horrible feeling that I was going to lose this baby (Naomi) during birth. Not only that, but I also thought I was going to die while giving birth to her. The night before I went in to deliver Naomi, I wrote letters to Nick, Nate and Tracy and even to Naomi in case she survived I didn't. These were the crazy thoughts of a neurotic pregnant woman. But they felt so very real. The idea of losing the child I was carrying was just too much. The idea of me dieing and never seeing my kids grow up or hold them again destroyed me. I cried an ocean while writing these letters.
Fast forward to today...nearly 10 months into the grief of my oldest child.
The last couple of weeks have been very hard. I don't just miss Nick, but I miss my family. I know my family is right here under one roof. But we are all hurting. It feels like we are all ghosts just walking around in the house. I want to DO something with them. I want to CONNECT with my children. We were supposed to have a Cards Against Humanity game tonight with some friends. But Tracy has been running a fever for 3 days (and a cold for 2 weeks). Naomi now has the cold. I cancelled the card game yesterday before I knew Omi was sick. It was the right thing to do. But this morning, I REALLY needed time with my family. Tracy is working. Omi is lying on the couch sick. Suzy is up in her room. Nate is in his room writing a song on his guitar. Tricia took off yesterday to a friends house and is not home. I just want to spend time with my family doing something other than watching TV with Tracy (and Omi). But that wasn't happening today. We asked Nate and Omi if they wanted to go to the movies. Nate said he wanted to stay home and write a song. Omi isn't feeling well. The idea was to have the whole family go. If Nate didnt' want to go...then we didn't bother asking Susan. Then Tracy said, well lets go get food. Again, we asked the kids. Nate still didnt' want to go. Suzy had just eaten. Omi went with us. But in the car, on the way to food, I silently cried. Ever since Nick died, I feel like my family is just falling apart. I want to connect with my kids. I NEED to connect with them. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to fix anything. I feel like such a bad mom. All I want is for my family to be together and connect.
After lunch, I had to stop at the grocery store to buy some bread to go with our soup for dinner tonight. Then it hit me....
I remembered how scared I was about losing Naomi during birth. The loss of a child during birth is the reason that I didn't get my tubs tied while I was on the table having a c-section. I knew a 4th pregnancy at my age would have been risky. But I knew that if I had lost my child on the table, I would want to have another baby. When Naomi was born healthy, and I survived and life was great, we sent Tracy in to get a vasectomy (it was his turn to have surgery).
So here I was in the grocery store being hit with this memory. And it reminded me that many times when people lose a dog or a cat, it doesnt' take them long to go out and get another fur baby. They just want something to love and a companion. Here's the deal. I still have my children at home, but I still have a hug hole in my heart. I am still missing a huge part of me. Nick is gone and is not coming back. And its not like I can just go out and get another child to replace him. I can't get pregnant again, and honestly at 46, I don't want to have or raise another baby. But there is nothing I can do to make this pain go away. There is nothing or no one that will replace what I have lost.
I know my family will heal. But right now.. it all just hurts. I wish it was as easy as going to the animal shelter and adopting a new fur baby.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
August 26, 2015 The Waves Just Keep Crashing
The waves of grief just sneak right up...just as a hurricane is heading for Florida. I feel like that hurricane is at my shore right now. The winds have kicked up. The waves are crashing in. They are over my head and I feel like I might drown.
Last Friday morning on my last day of vacation, I woke up with horrible nightmares. In my dream I was thrashing and screaming and crying and begging for this all to not be true. I was an absolute mess. I stood in the shower and cried as the water washed over me. I stepped out of the shower and grabbed the towel to dry off and ended up clutching the towel and crumbling to the floor in a crying mess.
Ever since that morning, I have had 3 more bad dreams about losing Nick. I feel the grief consuming me again. I'm angry again. I just want to plow someone over (like that is going to bring my son back).
Then today as I was feeding my emotions (ya.. I know what I said in my blog yesterday) I was looking for some diet coke and I opened up the cabinets we have our alcohol glasses in (as well as the cokes with names of the kids on them). I saw a diet coke with Nick's name. I smiled and shook my head and said, "Not today, Nick, I'm okay." I found a different diet coke to drink.
Then I came back to my computer. My heart was feeling heavy and the food I was feeding my emotions with just wasn't really helping. Then I opened my email. There was an email from a Dr. Lazarus from FIT. I don't recall ever meeting him. But he sent me an email with an attachment. It was a peer review in which Nick was a co-author. Again it was about lightning. Dr. Lazarus wanted us to have this paper. He wanted us to know that Nick was missed and how much he enjoyed working with Nick.
I forwarded the email to Tracy and Suzy and I cried. The hurricane winds picking up and the waves crashing at my shores. I sure will be glad when this most recent storm of grief passes.
Last Friday morning on my last day of vacation, I woke up with horrible nightmares. In my dream I was thrashing and screaming and crying and begging for this all to not be true. I was an absolute mess. I stood in the shower and cried as the water washed over me. I stepped out of the shower and grabbed the towel to dry off and ended up clutching the towel and crumbling to the floor in a crying mess.
Ever since that morning, I have had 3 more bad dreams about losing Nick. I feel the grief consuming me again. I'm angry again. I just want to plow someone over (like that is going to bring my son back).
Then today as I was feeding my emotions (ya.. I know what I said in my blog yesterday) I was looking for some diet coke and I opened up the cabinets we have our alcohol glasses in (as well as the cokes with names of the kids on them). I saw a diet coke with Nick's name. I smiled and shook my head and said, "Not today, Nick, I'm okay." I found a different diet coke to drink.
Then I came back to my computer. My heart was feeling heavy and the food I was feeding my emotions with just wasn't really helping. Then I opened my email. There was an email from a Dr. Lazarus from FIT. I don't recall ever meeting him. But he sent me an email with an attachment. It was a peer review in which Nick was a co-author. Again it was about lightning. Dr. Lazarus wanted us to have this paper. He wanted us to know that Nick was missed and how much he enjoyed working with Nick.
I forwarded the email to Tracy and Suzy and I cried. The hurricane winds picking up and the waves crashing at my shores. I sure will be glad when this most recent storm of grief passes.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
August 25, 2015 Which came first.......
The hiker or the egg? (Not what you thought I was going to say, was it?)
I had another bad dream early this morning as I was waking up. I was supposed to be meeting my friend Mishi at the gym at 7:30 this morning, but she had to chance plans. I was already grumpy and didn't really want to see anyone anyway. I didn't think anyone deserved to put up with my kind of grumpiness...which as it turns out is pretty close to out right anger. I could have decided to just be lazy after taking Omi to school; instead I decided to use the early morning time to get food into the crock pot so we had dinner ready for after belly dance. I took Tracy to work and then decided to head to Eagle Island State Park to get some quick laps in. Some nature therapy and some movement sounded good to me.
My pace was not as quick as I wanted it to be and I got a later start than I thought and I had a weight watchers meeting at 11:45 so about a mile into my hike, I decided one 1 lap and then re-evaluate. At the end of my first lap, I decided I was close enough to 3 miles to just keep going until I reached 3 miles. I did 3 miles with a 17:38/mile pace. Way to sleep for that flat course, but it got me out and moving which was important
Every time I walk this path, I have to be careful of the river rocks along the path. I am constantly stepping on one and twisting an ankle (or trying to anyway). So I keep a close eye on the path in front of me, always on the look out for the rock with evil intentions. *laugh* But today a very special stone caught my eye. It was in the shape of an egg. It was sitting there straight up and down, on top of the sand, with no other stones anywhere near it. At first, it caught my attention and I thought, I should pick that up and bring it to my friend, Jeannine, in Washington when I see her on Labor Day Weekend. She just became a doula, and I thought this was appropriate. She also has a thing for stones. But I just passed up stone up. I like to leave things where they are if I can. But once I was a few yards ahead, I heard it calling to me. So I turned around and went back to it. There it was, the ONE stone standing up right in the sand all on its own. It was calling to me. It told me to take it to Jeannine. So I picked it up and put it in my jacket pocket.
I continued to walk thinking about the egg in my pocket. I could feel its weight in my unzipped jacket. It was swinging back and forth and occasionally my hand would hit it (more specifically my sore thumb with the healing raw wound from a broken blister). As my hand kept hitting it, and as it swung in my pocket, it talked to me. Yes, the stone talked to me, and no I was not stoned. LOL
So which came first? The Egg or the Hiker? I'm going with Egg since it was there before I got there. LOL. But its deeper than that. Before I was a hiker, before I was anything, I was an egg in my mom's ovaries. Before the egg was inseminated, I was just an egg with endless possibilities. There was no gender assigned. There was no sexual orientation assigned. The egg was a blank slate. So here I was, hiking, and I came across this egg reminding me that even though some things are pretty much written in stone (pun intended), I am still a being of endless possibilities! I can be and do anything I put my mind too. This egg swang in my pocket and told me that this is a new beginning. This morning in all of my grumpiness, in all of my grief, today is a new beginning.
Then I thought, what am I inseminating *my* egg of life with? What do I want for the life that starts with this egg? While most people are harvesting what they planted in the spring, I am now sitting here in the harvest time of the year thinking about what I am planting. This also comes at a time when I am looking at starting a new Health Challenge on September 7th. A new season is approaching.. its actually my favorite season of the year. I love the fall. Every time a season changes, it gives me a chance to look at my life and figure out where I am going and what I am doing with it.
I may not have the answers yet, but it is worth considering. Focusing on my health. Getting back into some kind of therapy for issues I am still having from the concussion is on my agenda. Focusing on my friendships. I have been in a self induced hermit hole since Nick died. I am alot of things, but a hermit is not one of them.
Today in Weight Watchers we talked about our super powers, and there was a list of personality attributes to choose from. First we had to choose 5, then 2 from the 5. Those 2 are our super powers. Mine were Gratitude and Kindness. But then we had to pick one to work on this week. I chose Bravery. Last week I rode some roller coaster rides that really freakin' scared the hell out of me. I was asked if I wanted climb up to a deer blind. I took one look up the ladder and said "Oh hell no! Not without safety harnesses!" I have been afraid to give up certain comfort foods because they are my comfort foods and I'm holding on to them tightly since Nick died. There are a few things that scare me. I need to focus on bravery this week. How will I do that? What can I do this week that freakin' scares me? Am I ready to give up a security blanket such as my comfort food? I guess I will have to.
So what are you fertilizing your egg with? The possibilities are endless!
I had another bad dream early this morning as I was waking up. I was supposed to be meeting my friend Mishi at the gym at 7:30 this morning, but she had to chance plans. I was already grumpy and didn't really want to see anyone anyway. I didn't think anyone deserved to put up with my kind of grumpiness...which as it turns out is pretty close to out right anger. I could have decided to just be lazy after taking Omi to school; instead I decided to use the early morning time to get food into the crock pot so we had dinner ready for after belly dance. I took Tracy to work and then decided to head to Eagle Island State Park to get some quick laps in. Some nature therapy and some movement sounded good to me.
My pace was not as quick as I wanted it to be and I got a later start than I thought and I had a weight watchers meeting at 11:45 so about a mile into my hike, I decided one 1 lap and then re-evaluate. At the end of my first lap, I decided I was close enough to 3 miles to just keep going until I reached 3 miles. I did 3 miles with a 17:38/mile pace. Way to sleep for that flat course, but it got me out and moving which was important
Every time I walk this path, I have to be careful of the river rocks along the path. I am constantly stepping on one and twisting an ankle (or trying to anyway). So I keep a close eye on the path in front of me, always on the look out for the rock with evil intentions. *laugh* But today a very special stone caught my eye. It was in the shape of an egg. It was sitting there straight up and down, on top of the sand, with no other stones anywhere near it. At first, it caught my attention and I thought, I should pick that up and bring it to my friend, Jeannine, in Washington when I see her on Labor Day Weekend. She just became a doula, and I thought this was appropriate. She also has a thing for stones. But I just passed up stone up. I like to leave things where they are if I can. But once I was a few yards ahead, I heard it calling to me. So I turned around and went back to it. There it was, the ONE stone standing up right in the sand all on its own. It was calling to me. It told me to take it to Jeannine. So I picked it up and put it in my jacket pocket.
I continued to walk thinking about the egg in my pocket. I could feel its weight in my unzipped jacket. It was swinging back and forth and occasionally my hand would hit it (more specifically my sore thumb with the healing raw wound from a broken blister). As my hand kept hitting it, and as it swung in my pocket, it talked to me. Yes, the stone talked to me, and no I was not stoned. LOL
So which came first? The Egg or the Hiker? I'm going with Egg since it was there before I got there. LOL. But its deeper than that. Before I was a hiker, before I was anything, I was an egg in my mom's ovaries. Before the egg was inseminated, I was just an egg with endless possibilities. There was no gender assigned. There was no sexual orientation assigned. The egg was a blank slate. So here I was, hiking, and I came across this egg reminding me that even though some things are pretty much written in stone (pun intended), I am still a being of endless possibilities! I can be and do anything I put my mind too. This egg swang in my pocket and told me that this is a new beginning. This morning in all of my grumpiness, in all of my grief, today is a new beginning.
Then I thought, what am I inseminating *my* egg of life with? What do I want for the life that starts with this egg? While most people are harvesting what they planted in the spring, I am now sitting here in the harvest time of the year thinking about what I am planting. This also comes at a time when I am looking at starting a new Health Challenge on September 7th. A new season is approaching.. its actually my favorite season of the year. I love the fall. Every time a season changes, it gives me a chance to look at my life and figure out where I am going and what I am doing with it.
I may not have the answers yet, but it is worth considering. Focusing on my health. Getting back into some kind of therapy for issues I am still having from the concussion is on my agenda. Focusing on my friendships. I have been in a self induced hermit hole since Nick died. I am alot of things, but a hermit is not one of them.
Today in Weight Watchers we talked about our super powers, and there was a list of personality attributes to choose from. First we had to choose 5, then 2 from the 5. Those 2 are our super powers. Mine were Gratitude and Kindness. But then we had to pick one to work on this week. I chose Bravery. Last week I rode some roller coaster rides that really freakin' scared the hell out of me. I was asked if I wanted climb up to a deer blind. I took one look up the ladder and said "Oh hell no! Not without safety harnesses!" I have been afraid to give up certain comfort foods because they are my comfort foods and I'm holding on to them tightly since Nick died. There are a few things that scare me. I need to focus on bravery this week. How will I do that? What can I do this week that freakin' scares me? Am I ready to give up a security blanket such as my comfort food? I guess I will have to.
So what are you fertilizing your egg with? The possibilities are endless!
Monday, August 24, 2015
August 24, 2015 There's No Crying On Vacations..........
Ya.. about that.....
When you think of "Family Vacation" your first thought might be the Grizwold family adventures. Or maybe your first thought is a memory of your very own family vacations or long road trips with the family. When I think of family vacation, I tend to think about all of the fun my family has when we get together.
It's funny, but "family vacations" became a "thing" for us back when Tracy was traveling all of the time. We didn't get to see him much. He worked out of state all week and came home on the weekends. We had taken other family trips to visit other family members and those were vacations, but they weren't really centered around doing things.. rather just hanging with family. They were not the "vacations" you see people taking and going to the beaches or where ever. But when Nick was in high school and Tracy travelled all the time, we decided to pile the kids in the car and head to wherever Tracy was working. First it was San Fransisco. We headed up on a weekend and spent the weekend playing and enjoying the entire family together. Then Tracy would head off to work on Monday and I would spend the week days with the kids playing tourist while Tracy worked. Then he would get off of work and we would all be together again and do some more sight seeing. We did this in Seattle once too. These kinds of vacations drove Tracy crazy cause he had to work. But at least we got to hang with Tracy and have the family all together and we got to do some fun things we might not have done otherwise.
Then Nick and Suzy got married and moved across the country. The dynamic of our family vacation changed. It became the time that we spent and got to see Suzy and Nick. We would travel to Florida and spend a week going to the beaches, snorkeling, surfing, going to amusement parks and just having fun with the kids. Sometimes, Nick and Suzy got to come here and hang with us. And one year we all met in Dallas to get together with Tracy's folks in East Texas. That was such a fun trip! A week of hiking, blue berry picking, playing dominoes, swimming, canoeing and even going into Dallas to go to Six Flag with my brother.
"Family vacation" was a magical time when the whole family could be together.
Then this year... we were all looking forward to family vacation. But there was the elephant in the room. Nick is missing. There was lots of crying on this vacation. Even if you didn't see it, there was someone crying at last once a day. Even if no one actually said it, we all felt it. We did our best to laugh and enjoy each other and live in the present, but it didn't stop us from feeling the loss. The first family vacation without Nick was bound to happen. Just like every other first in our lives since his death. Yes, we laughed and we had a great time. But there was still pain mixed in too. And now that I am home and just dropped off Omi to school, it is all sinking in.
I did okay on the "family" part of our vacation. I held it together pretty well considering. But when we were in Washington visiting friends, I had a really bad dream on Thursday night. I woke up with my face soaked in tears and snot running down out of my nose. I was truly sobbing in my sleep. In my dream I was screaming about losing Nick. I was thrashing and begging the universe to bring him back. It was so hard to wake up and find my happy again after that dream. So very hard. But I wasn't going to let it ruin my last day of vacation.. my trip to Seattle with my friends..or the baseball game or any of it. I did manage to shake off that feeling for the most part. It never went away, but i was at least able to have some fun.
The thing about last week....we spent the week with Todd and Angie who are in the throws of the first anniversaries of 2 very catastrophic accidents in their family. One was a friend of theirs who is still alive but is still struggling on a daily basis. The other was their brother in law who was hit while riding his bicycle and didn't make it. So ya. Hanging with them last week was the right place to be. They understand. We understand. And it was okay to wake up crying in their house.
There are just some things that are just too hard to deal with. The loss of a child is one of those things. I'm sure the loss of a spouse and the loss of a parent and the loss of a sibling rank right up there. Today is one of those days I just don't feel like adulting. I would much rather hide in a dark room and pretend November 10th didn't happen. But pretending doesn't make it go away.
I finally got a canvas printed from our Family Pictures taken last year while Suzy and Nick were here on vacation. I am scared to open the box and hang the canvas. It sits in my entry way leaning up against the wall just waiting for me to open it. But I am scared. I had so much fun taking those pictures with my kids, and I love this particular shot. But I wish I had known then it would be the last time we took pictures together.
Gah.. this blog is depressing.. even to me! I'm just gonna say this. With all of the sadness felt, vacation with the kids (and the after vacation in WA) was a total blast. Riding the Hiawatha Trail with my family was perfect. Silverwood is a theme park I don't ever have to go back to again, but we had a great time even if there were tears of fear shed and a ride that scared the you know what out of me. I can say I have ridden the rides and I don't have to ride them again. *laugh* Riding the carousel in Spokane was freaking fantastic! Hiking with Tracy and Angie was a total blast and so gorgeous! Kayaking with Angie was a challenge and so fun. Hanging in Poulsbo with Jeannine, Tracy, Angie and Brian was a barrel of laughs..my abs hurt so bad after that. Bear hunting with Todd at the back of their property was fun, even if I did fall into a raspberry bush. And Seattle with Angie and Todd was too much fun. It was a great week and I am so very grateful for all of the goodness.
When you think of "Family Vacation" your first thought might be the Grizwold family adventures. Or maybe your first thought is a memory of your very own family vacations or long road trips with the family. When I think of family vacation, I tend to think about all of the fun my family has when we get together.
It's funny, but "family vacations" became a "thing" for us back when Tracy was traveling all of the time. We didn't get to see him much. He worked out of state all week and came home on the weekends. We had taken other family trips to visit other family members and those were vacations, but they weren't really centered around doing things.. rather just hanging with family. They were not the "vacations" you see people taking and going to the beaches or where ever. But when Nick was in high school and Tracy travelled all the time, we decided to pile the kids in the car and head to wherever Tracy was working. First it was San Fransisco. We headed up on a weekend and spent the weekend playing and enjoying the entire family together. Then Tracy would head off to work on Monday and I would spend the week days with the kids playing tourist while Tracy worked. Then he would get off of work and we would all be together again and do some more sight seeing. We did this in Seattle once too. These kinds of vacations drove Tracy crazy cause he had to work. But at least we got to hang with Tracy and have the family all together and we got to do some fun things we might not have done otherwise.
Then Nick and Suzy got married and moved across the country. The dynamic of our family vacation changed. It became the time that we spent and got to see Suzy and Nick. We would travel to Florida and spend a week going to the beaches, snorkeling, surfing, going to amusement parks and just having fun with the kids. Sometimes, Nick and Suzy got to come here and hang with us. And one year we all met in Dallas to get together with Tracy's folks in East Texas. That was such a fun trip! A week of hiking, blue berry picking, playing dominoes, swimming, canoeing and even going into Dallas to go to Six Flag with my brother.
"Family vacation" was a magical time when the whole family could be together.
Then this year... we were all looking forward to family vacation. But there was the elephant in the room. Nick is missing. There was lots of crying on this vacation. Even if you didn't see it, there was someone crying at last once a day. Even if no one actually said it, we all felt it. We did our best to laugh and enjoy each other and live in the present, but it didn't stop us from feeling the loss. The first family vacation without Nick was bound to happen. Just like every other first in our lives since his death. Yes, we laughed and we had a great time. But there was still pain mixed in too. And now that I am home and just dropped off Omi to school, it is all sinking in.
I did okay on the "family" part of our vacation. I held it together pretty well considering. But when we were in Washington visiting friends, I had a really bad dream on Thursday night. I woke up with my face soaked in tears and snot running down out of my nose. I was truly sobbing in my sleep. In my dream I was screaming about losing Nick. I was thrashing and begging the universe to bring him back. It was so hard to wake up and find my happy again after that dream. So very hard. But I wasn't going to let it ruin my last day of vacation.. my trip to Seattle with my friends..or the baseball game or any of it. I did manage to shake off that feeling for the most part. It never went away, but i was at least able to have some fun.
The thing about last week....we spent the week with Todd and Angie who are in the throws of the first anniversaries of 2 very catastrophic accidents in their family. One was a friend of theirs who is still alive but is still struggling on a daily basis. The other was their brother in law who was hit while riding his bicycle and didn't make it. So ya. Hanging with them last week was the right place to be. They understand. We understand. And it was okay to wake up crying in their house.
There are just some things that are just too hard to deal with. The loss of a child is one of those things. I'm sure the loss of a spouse and the loss of a parent and the loss of a sibling rank right up there. Today is one of those days I just don't feel like adulting. I would much rather hide in a dark room and pretend November 10th didn't happen. But pretending doesn't make it go away.
I finally got a canvas printed from our Family Pictures taken last year while Suzy and Nick were here on vacation. I am scared to open the box and hang the canvas. It sits in my entry way leaning up against the wall just waiting for me to open it. But I am scared. I had so much fun taking those pictures with my kids, and I love this particular shot. But I wish I had known then it would be the last time we took pictures together.
Gah.. this blog is depressing.. even to me! I'm just gonna say this. With all of the sadness felt, vacation with the kids (and the after vacation in WA) was a total blast. Riding the Hiawatha Trail with my family was perfect. Silverwood is a theme park I don't ever have to go back to again, but we had a great time even if there were tears of fear shed and a ride that scared the you know what out of me. I can say I have ridden the rides and I don't have to ride them again. *laugh* Riding the carousel in Spokane was freaking fantastic! Hiking with Tracy and Angie was a total blast and so gorgeous! Kayaking with Angie was a challenge and so fun. Hanging in Poulsbo with Jeannine, Tracy, Angie and Brian was a barrel of laughs..my abs hurt so bad after that. Bear hunting with Todd at the back of their property was fun, even if I did fall into a raspberry bush. And Seattle with Angie and Todd was too much fun. It was a great week and I am so very grateful for all of the goodness.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
It Wasn't A Brass Ring
As a little girl at the fair or at Six Flags or any carnival, I always felt like there was magic in the air. I always felt like ANYTHING was possible. It felt like it was my turn to be a child. (I didn't get to be a child growing up and I certainly didn't know how to play, but that is a completely different story....or maybe not). Anyway, I always felt like these places were magical. But as a little girl, in the midst of all of the screaming and hooping and hollering of the thrill riding fair goers, there was always this "boring" ride that captured my attention. I LOVED the carousels. I loved them because I loved pretending that this little city girl was riding a horse out on the open range. It was my make believe time. All of the carousels that I rode were strictly just round and round with the up and down horses or fixed animals and seats. None of them had my reaching for a ring.
So I was very surprised when our family stopped over in the Spokane River Park and decided to ride the carousel to satisfy the little girl in me, that this particular historic carousel offered a chance at the brass ring. I really had no idea how it worked. You go round and round trying to catch a ring, and if you happened to catch the brass ring, you got a free ride. Sweet! That was enough incentive to me and it looked easy enough.
Looks can be deceiving. My family all raced to our mighty steeds. Tracy wanted to horned goat. Omi wanted the one that reminded her the most of her horse Sage. And the rest of us, just wanted to ride and a chance at the brass ring. We wrapped the leather belts around our waist and the carousel started going round and round and by the 3rd time around, the wooden arm that held the magic rings was waiting for us to capture our rings. The carousel was going round and round rather quickly. My horse was going up and down. How the heck was this supposed to work?! I tried once. I tried twice. I tried 3 times and I still couldn't grab a ring, brass or other wise. But each time we went around, the past ring-less go-round didn't stop me from reaching out and dong my best to get the ring that was at the end of the wooden arm. Sure, I had to take some risks. I had to stand up a little bit out of my saddle. I had to hook my left arm around the brass poll and lean further out. I had to feel unsteady and out of my comfort zone and I had to focus on that blasted ring. But sure enough, I finally grabbed one. I didn't grab just one, but by the end of our first ride, I had gathered about 4 or 5. (None of them the brass ring).
We had 3 more tickets, so Omi, Tricia and I went out again. Three times around, the bell went off alerting us that the arm was now out to capture rings. Once again, 1 time around, no ring. 2 times around no rings. I was screaming/grunting with frustration. The 3rd time around, still no ring. But I kept trying. The past was the past and didn't dictate my future. What could I learn from it. How could I adjust myself a bit here or a bit there in order to capture the rings? Finally, I had adjusted myself and I captured a couple of rings. I didn't get one every time. But that didn't deter me. I kept trying. I never saw the brass ring. I have no idea who might have grabbed it. I have no idea if it ever came out. But that didn't stop me from reaching for those rings.
Okay, so I know at this point this metaphor must be rather obvious and many of you are probably saying, "Duh, Martha! That is where the saying 'reach for the brass ring' comes from! It means to never give up on life and keep on doing your best and reaching for success!" Thanks, for sharing the obvious, NOW. Seriously, I had never put the two together. I had NO IDEA that "Reach for the brass ring" came from riding a carousel. So after riding my 2nd ride, I had this epiphany. Reaching for the brass ring was a metaphor for my life. But it went beyond the brass ring. It was all about stepping outside of my comfort zone, learning from my mistakes and celebrating every little victory on the way to the brass ring.. in my case, this purple ring (that I sheepishly kept as a reminder..instead of returning it like I was supposed to).
It was about living life at its fullest. It was about not caring what other people thought about the 46 year old woman riding the carousel like she had never ridden one before and making a silly fool of herself reaching for that ring over and over and over again. It was about laughing and trying new things. It was about laughing at my attempts and failing, and not letting it get the best of me.
I was once told that people go about their lives the way that they play games. If they are sore losers while playing games, they likely walk around life with a pretty rotten attitude expecting life to always hand over the rewards. But if they played a game with laughter and enjoyed the game regardless of how it ended, then they were probably happier people to be around and likely more successful. So the other day,while riding that carousel, what did this game say about me?
There was a time in my life where I didn't know how to play a game. I was scared to look different. I was scared to call attention to myself. I was scared to laugh out loud. I was scared to reach outside of my comfort zone and try something risky. I was scared to fail. But today....I step on a scale at a weight watchers meeting and I don't let the ups and downs of a scale define who I am. I do marathons or half marathons and don't let timing/speed define who I am. I fall (quite literally) but I always get back up and try again. I laugh at my mistakes an have fun learning. Yes, sometimes I get frustrated, but I make adjustments and keep moving. Life is one big game to me, and it is meant to be lived to its fullest. It doesn't matter if you are the best or the fastest; it only matters that you are LIVING and DOING.
Every day we have a choice to make in this life. We can choose to play full on, keep reaching for that brass ring. Sometimes we are going to miss them all together. Sometimes we are gong to get hold of it and then drop it. Sometimes it will all by colored plastic rings and we never get site of that brass ring. But we keep on playing. We keep on trying. OR, we can make the other choice which is to get on the horse on the inside and just ride the ride round and round never making any gains, never taking any chances aways knowing exactly how life will begin and end. We just play it safe. There may be some enjoyment, but soon it will become routine and there is no growth or change in this choice.
Which choices are you making in your life????
One more thought, while looking up "brass ring"on google, I came across the Barenaked Ladies song Get Back Up. It is brilliant! It is perfect for my life.... maybe it is perfect for you too. Here you go...
So I was very surprised when our family stopped over in the Spokane River Park and decided to ride the carousel to satisfy the little girl in me, that this particular historic carousel offered a chance at the brass ring. I really had no idea how it worked. You go round and round trying to catch a ring, and if you happened to catch the brass ring, you got a free ride. Sweet! That was enough incentive to me and it looked easy enough.
Looks can be deceiving. My family all raced to our mighty steeds. Tracy wanted to horned goat. Omi wanted the one that reminded her the most of her horse Sage. And the rest of us, just wanted to ride and a chance at the brass ring. We wrapped the leather belts around our waist and the carousel started going round and round and by the 3rd time around, the wooden arm that held the magic rings was waiting for us to capture our rings. The carousel was going round and round rather quickly. My horse was going up and down. How the heck was this supposed to work?! I tried once. I tried twice. I tried 3 times and I still couldn't grab a ring, brass or other wise. But each time we went around, the past ring-less go-round didn't stop me from reaching out and dong my best to get the ring that was at the end of the wooden arm. Sure, I had to take some risks. I had to stand up a little bit out of my saddle. I had to hook my left arm around the brass poll and lean further out. I had to feel unsteady and out of my comfort zone and I had to focus on that blasted ring. But sure enough, I finally grabbed one. I didn't grab just one, but by the end of our first ride, I had gathered about 4 or 5. (None of them the brass ring).
We had 3 more tickets, so Omi, Tricia and I went out again. Three times around, the bell went off alerting us that the arm was now out to capture rings. Once again, 1 time around, no ring. 2 times around no rings. I was screaming/grunting with frustration. The 3rd time around, still no ring. But I kept trying. The past was the past and didn't dictate my future. What could I learn from it. How could I adjust myself a bit here or a bit there in order to capture the rings? Finally, I had adjusted myself and I captured a couple of rings. I didn't get one every time. But that didn't deter me. I kept trying. I never saw the brass ring. I have no idea who might have grabbed it. I have no idea if it ever came out. But that didn't stop me from reaching for those rings.
Okay, so I know at this point this metaphor must be rather obvious and many of you are probably saying, "Duh, Martha! That is where the saying 'reach for the brass ring' comes from! It means to never give up on life and keep on doing your best and reaching for success!" Thanks, for sharing the obvious, NOW. Seriously, I had never put the two together. I had NO IDEA that "Reach for the brass ring" came from riding a carousel. So after riding my 2nd ride, I had this epiphany. Reaching for the brass ring was a metaphor for my life. But it went beyond the brass ring. It was all about stepping outside of my comfort zone, learning from my mistakes and celebrating every little victory on the way to the brass ring.. in my case, this purple ring (that I sheepishly kept as a reminder..instead of returning it like I was supposed to).
It was about living life at its fullest. It was about not caring what other people thought about the 46 year old woman riding the carousel like she had never ridden one before and making a silly fool of herself reaching for that ring over and over and over again. It was about laughing and trying new things. It was about laughing at my attempts and failing, and not letting it get the best of me.
I was once told that people go about their lives the way that they play games. If they are sore losers while playing games, they likely walk around life with a pretty rotten attitude expecting life to always hand over the rewards. But if they played a game with laughter and enjoyed the game regardless of how it ended, then they were probably happier people to be around and likely more successful. So the other day,while riding that carousel, what did this game say about me?
There was a time in my life where I didn't know how to play a game. I was scared to look different. I was scared to call attention to myself. I was scared to laugh out loud. I was scared to reach outside of my comfort zone and try something risky. I was scared to fail. But today....I step on a scale at a weight watchers meeting and I don't let the ups and downs of a scale define who I am. I do marathons or half marathons and don't let timing/speed define who I am. I fall (quite literally) but I always get back up and try again. I laugh at my mistakes an have fun learning. Yes, sometimes I get frustrated, but I make adjustments and keep moving. Life is one big game to me, and it is meant to be lived to its fullest. It doesn't matter if you are the best or the fastest; it only matters that you are LIVING and DOING.
Every day we have a choice to make in this life. We can choose to play full on, keep reaching for that brass ring. Sometimes we are going to miss them all together. Sometimes we are gong to get hold of it and then drop it. Sometimes it will all by colored plastic rings and we never get site of that brass ring. But we keep on playing. We keep on trying. OR, we can make the other choice which is to get on the horse on the inside and just ride the ride round and round never making any gains, never taking any chances aways knowing exactly how life will begin and end. We just play it safe. There may be some enjoyment, but soon it will become routine and there is no growth or change in this choice.
Which choices are you making in your life????
One more thought, while looking up "brass ring"on google, I came across the Barenaked Ladies song Get Back Up. It is brilliant! It is perfect for my life.... maybe it is perfect for you too. Here you go...
Friday, August 7, 2015
August 6, 2015 Not Sure How To Title This
Tracy and I had an amazing trip to the Oregon Coast. It was just the kind of weekend we needed and the perfect way to celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary. I learned a few things about the Oregon Coast 1) The people that ride their bicycles on HWY 101 are certifiable for many reasons..not the least of which its a dangerous road. 2) I much prefer the little "no nothing" towns to the big ones like New Port or Lincoln City or Coos Bay.
We stayed in Yachats (pronounced Ya-Hotz). This little coastal town had no traffic lights and only a couple of actual hotels. The rest were cottages and homes. There were no commercial chains of any type. The coffee shop (The Green Salmon) was an organic tree hugging all natural vegan/vegetarian coffee/tea shop that is absolutely PACKED on a Sunday morning. The best sea food was a local place called Luna where they go out fishing and serve what is caught that day. They serve their fish grilled or fried and their beers and wines are all from Oregon or Washington. The main restaurant has 6 2 tops and one 6 top. Then there is an outside tent with heaters and a live band on the weekends. The Out of Gas Pizza joint has spicy pizza sauce and serves soda by the can and only 1 size pizza (16"). They also serve the most amazing garlic rolls! But our favorite place to eat was Heidi's Italian Dinners; its a family owned and ran unpretentious Italian restaurant..the closest to fine dining Yachats has to offer. The owner is passionate about his wine and swears that the 2011 French Wins are going to be amazing in 2 or 3 years. Not only is he passionate about his wines, but his food is exquisite and on point and so amazing! The best Italian food I have had since The Stinking Rose in Little Italy in San Fran. The pricing was on point and so worth it! The locals in Yachats are fabulous and LOVE where they live and are a bit protective of their little town.. as well they should be. The beaches are clean and uncrowded. And Yachats has some amazing secrets that people will miss if they don't know about them! I so want to go back and just spend the entire time in Yachats...no leaving.
We did venture outside of Yachats. We managed to tour 1 light house, hike to one (in Yachats), and see 2 more from afar. In total 4 out of 8 light houses on the Oregon Coast. There is something so romantic about light houses. They are not just about "warning land is near by" but on the West Coast they are about 40 miles a piece and created to help merchants navigate the coast line to help with commerce. So cool.. I had no idea. The beach at Yaquina Head (in New Port) is made of black rocks that are next to impossible to walk on, and had me falling 3 times. By the time we walked back up the stairs, the ranger commented, "You made it out in one piece." Ya, I guess he was watching me. On the way into Yachats from Portland, we took a jaunt to Tillamook and hiked up to a waterfall. We were complete rebels and went beyond the "Trail is closed" sign and went right to the base of the 319ft waterfall. There was petrified wood that acted like a slide and I slid down it (not into the water). It was so much fun. I also learned that you can't go backwards in time. Some things are just better left there (quite literally). We are given memories for a reason and a feeling associated with those memories and trying to revisit them can sometimes end poorly. In this case, it meant, we spent 4 hours in a car to try and visit some places I had been before and we could not find, and what we did find didn't live up to what I remembered. However, I did have the most excellent Halibut sliders in a little fishing town called Charleston.
Anyway, it was a great weekend, and I am very grateful for our time together.
With all of that amazingness, there are places deep in my heart that hurt from the loss of Nick. I set it aside so I can focus on living my life and focusing on the good things and the ones that still live. I can't let grief consume me.
With that said, I am forcing myself to come out of self-imposed hiding. Okay, maybe to alot of people it may seem as though I am not hiding cause I am busy. But I am busy with my family. It takes actual work and conscious thinking and planning for me to make plans to go out with my friends. It's really easy to say, "yes, let's get together soon" and not follow through with that. It's easy to stay at home and binge watch TV and live in my own little world. Its REALLY easy after I fall and injure myself. It's easy to sit on my couch and eat food and do nothing and hide. If it wasn't for my friend Mishi, I don't think I would see anyone outside of my family. She forces me out or she invites herself over. She has made it her mission to make sure she is here for us at every turn after Nick's death. So last week before I left for vacation with Tracy, I called another friend of mine and made plans to get together when I returned (which we did last night).
Tami and I have been friends for 7 years now. We have had our ups and downs, but whats important is that we love each other through it all. We had so much fun last night. We laughed and caught up and it felt so great to just be me and be silly and talk with someone who understands all of me..including my grief (at least in part). We actually met shortly after her little brother died in a plane accident. I didn't understand her grief then. But I tried. She understands some of my grief but not all of it, but she tries. She laughs with me and cries with me. But we talked about so much more than that. But most importantly, the last time I saw her (in January) my pain was still so raw. After spending time with her last night, I was able to see how much healing I have done. That felt good too.
As I was getting ready for my date night with Tami, I was putting my make up on and looking in the mirror and I heard myself narrating my life as I did this. All of a sudden I felt like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in The City. For a moment, I wondered if I could just write a book and narrate my life and all of my crazy stories like Carrie did. This had me amused and thinking as I drove to meet Tami. Then as Tami and I talked, we laughed about our stories and our lives and both of us said, "We could write books about our adventures." This isn't the first or even 100th time I have thought this. And it certainly isn't the first time I have voiced it. I have often thought about writing about my crazy adventurous life. I have entertained people in real life with my stories and watched them laugh and ask for more, and I wonder if it would translate well in written word. I don't know. It's something to think about, anyway.
One last thought before I close out this long blog post. I have contacted the St. Al's Brain Injury Clinic. It's been over 2 1/2 years since my concussion and I still have some long last affects, including some pretty serious memory loss and issues. I have long term memory loss (like from way way back) but I also have short term loss. I am forgetting MAJOR and important things that cause serious issues in my life. I also have issues with counting and dealing with money in a work environment (I noticed while volunteering at the concerts). I also have issues over stimulation and concentration when too many things are going on. All of these things make it pretty hard to be employable if I wanted to have a job. It limits me to busing tables or work that takes no brain work. Busing tables is admirable work, but it won't pay the bills if ever I find myself needing to fend for myself. I need to be employable if I ever decide to work again. I also want my brain back so I can learn and retrain things. So back to the doctors I go and hopefully they have some kind of occupational therapy to help me get my brain back. I honestly feel so "not smart". I used to read amazing books to help me learn and grow. I used to be able to hold intelligent and interesting conversations. Now, I just feel like a "dumb jock"...minus the "jock" part these days thanks to back injuries. So not only have I lost my brain. I feel like I have lost my fitness and athleticism as well. Then on top of all of that. I lost my son. Can someone please give me my life back? I'm hoping the doctors can help me get a little piece of it back at least.
Onward and Upward!!!!
We stayed in Yachats (pronounced Ya-Hotz). This little coastal town had no traffic lights and only a couple of actual hotels. The rest were cottages and homes. There were no commercial chains of any type. The coffee shop (The Green Salmon) was an organic tree hugging all natural vegan/vegetarian coffee/tea shop that is absolutely PACKED on a Sunday morning. The best sea food was a local place called Luna where they go out fishing and serve what is caught that day. They serve their fish grilled or fried and their beers and wines are all from Oregon or Washington. The main restaurant has 6 2 tops and one 6 top. Then there is an outside tent with heaters and a live band on the weekends. The Out of Gas Pizza joint has spicy pizza sauce and serves soda by the can and only 1 size pizza (16"). They also serve the most amazing garlic rolls! But our favorite place to eat was Heidi's Italian Dinners; its a family owned and ran unpretentious Italian restaurant..the closest to fine dining Yachats has to offer. The owner is passionate about his wine and swears that the 2011 French Wins are going to be amazing in 2 or 3 years. Not only is he passionate about his wines, but his food is exquisite and on point and so amazing! The best Italian food I have had since The Stinking Rose in Little Italy in San Fran. The pricing was on point and so worth it! The locals in Yachats are fabulous and LOVE where they live and are a bit protective of their little town.. as well they should be. The beaches are clean and uncrowded. And Yachats has some amazing secrets that people will miss if they don't know about them! I so want to go back and just spend the entire time in Yachats...no leaving.
We did venture outside of Yachats. We managed to tour 1 light house, hike to one (in Yachats), and see 2 more from afar. In total 4 out of 8 light houses on the Oregon Coast. There is something so romantic about light houses. They are not just about "warning land is near by" but on the West Coast they are about 40 miles a piece and created to help merchants navigate the coast line to help with commerce. So cool.. I had no idea. The beach at Yaquina Head (in New Port) is made of black rocks that are next to impossible to walk on, and had me falling 3 times. By the time we walked back up the stairs, the ranger commented, "You made it out in one piece." Ya, I guess he was watching me. On the way into Yachats from Portland, we took a jaunt to Tillamook and hiked up to a waterfall. We were complete rebels and went beyond the "Trail is closed" sign and went right to the base of the 319ft waterfall. There was petrified wood that acted like a slide and I slid down it (not into the water). It was so much fun. I also learned that you can't go backwards in time. Some things are just better left there (quite literally). We are given memories for a reason and a feeling associated with those memories and trying to revisit them can sometimes end poorly. In this case, it meant, we spent 4 hours in a car to try and visit some places I had been before and we could not find, and what we did find didn't live up to what I remembered. However, I did have the most excellent Halibut sliders in a little fishing town called Charleston.
Anyway, it was a great weekend, and I am very grateful for our time together.
With all of that amazingness, there are places deep in my heart that hurt from the loss of Nick. I set it aside so I can focus on living my life and focusing on the good things and the ones that still live. I can't let grief consume me.
With that said, I am forcing myself to come out of self-imposed hiding. Okay, maybe to alot of people it may seem as though I am not hiding cause I am busy. But I am busy with my family. It takes actual work and conscious thinking and planning for me to make plans to go out with my friends. It's really easy to say, "yes, let's get together soon" and not follow through with that. It's easy to stay at home and binge watch TV and live in my own little world. Its REALLY easy after I fall and injure myself. It's easy to sit on my couch and eat food and do nothing and hide. If it wasn't for my friend Mishi, I don't think I would see anyone outside of my family. She forces me out or she invites herself over. She has made it her mission to make sure she is here for us at every turn after Nick's death. So last week before I left for vacation with Tracy, I called another friend of mine and made plans to get together when I returned (which we did last night).
Tami and I have been friends for 7 years now. We have had our ups and downs, but whats important is that we love each other through it all. We had so much fun last night. We laughed and caught up and it felt so great to just be me and be silly and talk with someone who understands all of me..including my grief (at least in part). We actually met shortly after her little brother died in a plane accident. I didn't understand her grief then. But I tried. She understands some of my grief but not all of it, but she tries. She laughs with me and cries with me. But we talked about so much more than that. But most importantly, the last time I saw her (in January) my pain was still so raw. After spending time with her last night, I was able to see how much healing I have done. That felt good too.
As I was getting ready for my date night with Tami, I was putting my make up on and looking in the mirror and I heard myself narrating my life as I did this. All of a sudden I felt like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in The City. For a moment, I wondered if I could just write a book and narrate my life and all of my crazy stories like Carrie did. This had me amused and thinking as I drove to meet Tami. Then as Tami and I talked, we laughed about our stories and our lives and both of us said, "We could write books about our adventures." This isn't the first or even 100th time I have thought this. And it certainly isn't the first time I have voiced it. I have often thought about writing about my crazy adventurous life. I have entertained people in real life with my stories and watched them laugh and ask for more, and I wonder if it would translate well in written word. I don't know. It's something to think about, anyway.
One last thought before I close out this long blog post. I have contacted the St. Al's Brain Injury Clinic. It's been over 2 1/2 years since my concussion and I still have some long last affects, including some pretty serious memory loss and issues. I have long term memory loss (like from way way back) but I also have short term loss. I am forgetting MAJOR and important things that cause serious issues in my life. I also have issues with counting and dealing with money in a work environment (I noticed while volunteering at the concerts). I also have issues over stimulation and concentration when too many things are going on. All of these things make it pretty hard to be employable if I wanted to have a job. It limits me to busing tables or work that takes no brain work. Busing tables is admirable work, but it won't pay the bills if ever I find myself needing to fend for myself. I need to be employable if I ever decide to work again. I also want my brain back so I can learn and retrain things. So back to the doctors I go and hopefully they have some kind of occupational therapy to help me get my brain back. I honestly feel so "not smart". I used to read amazing books to help me learn and grow. I used to be able to hold intelligent and interesting conversations. Now, I just feel like a "dumb jock"...minus the "jock" part these days thanks to back injuries. So not only have I lost my brain. I feel like I have lost my fitness and athleticism as well. Then on top of all of that. I lost my son. Can someone please give me my life back? I'm hoping the doctors can help me get a little piece of it back at least.
Onward and Upward!!!!
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