I must have caught this most recent wave way off of the shore line, cause I have been riding it for probably a couple of weeks now. It has been a nice gentle wave that just keeps going. There is nothing big about it. There is nothing really scary about it. It just is. It's one of those long slow easy waves that just keeps going and going until you get to shore.
It started a couple of weeks ago when I looked up Michaeleen Blair to see if there is an obituary for her. There isn't. The woman who took my son's life is now 86 years old and still kicking. I seriously want to write to her. Sometimes I want to tell her that I forgive her and other times I want to write to her and tell her how horrible she is, and she can't even begin to think that the "settlement" given to Suzy was near enough to make up for the damage she has done. So that is where it started; that is where I caught the wave. I should forgive her for myself, but what would that mean to me? Would it mean that I would let go of my son; that I have come to some terms that say it is "okay" that my son is dead? Not sure I can go there.
I stopped looking her up. Until I can decide what to do with those feelings, I can't keep looking at them. But the reality is, I had better speak my peace before she dies.
Even though, I stopped looking her up, the wave keeps going. I am balanced on this surf board and living my life. At times I am feeling the ocean breeze through my hair and enjoying the peaceful ride remembering the times at the beach with Nick. I smile. I laugh. I feel warm inside. Then I feel the pull again.
A friend wants to go to Universal Studios in Orlando and he wants me to go with him. I want to go. But I also realize the last time I went to Universal Studios was with Nick and the rest of the family. And if I go to Florida, I would want to go to "the corner" and put flowers down at the memorial sign. Now I feel the pull even harder. I am feeling the NEED to go to Florida and visit that corner.
A month or so ago, another angel mom posted a picture of the place where her son took his own life. She asked me if I ever felt drawn to the place where Nick was killed. The answer is "Yes, at least once a year, I feel drawn to that corner." Usually that time of year is around the anniversary or at Nick's birthday. To me the idea of being drawn to "the corner" is kind of crazy. I feel Nick with me all of the time. He shows up all of the time. (As a matter of fact, he showed up today..more on that later.) So WHY do I feel drawn to "the corner"? He is not there. It won't bring him back. But for whatever reason, I feel drawn. I am feeling pulled something fierce right now. Like, it is taking everything I have NOT to jump on a plane right now. I really want to go. As a matter of fact, we were supposed to be in Florida in May for one of Nick's friend's wedding. But the wedding is happening the same weekend as Naomi's graduation so we are not going. I knew that if we went, we would be visiting "the corner". Maybe that is why I am feeling the need to go. I had already planned on going, and now I'm not. Maybe that is why I keep looking at vacations that will take me to Florida. *shrug*
Being a grieving parent is a special kind of thing. I do not want to exclude dad's from this grief. But I never see dad's posting on Facebook and expressing their grief. I take that back. I know of one dad who does, and I am grateful for his bravery and I honor his process. I honor all grieving parents. I know my hubby grieves and I honor his process. But the women seem to be more vocal. In the last couple of weeks I have connected with 2 (new to me) moms who have lost their boys. One lost hers 2 months ago and the other so many years ago. Maybe THAT is the reason I am still on this wave of grief. I have been talking and connecting with them. I do not think this is a bad thing. We need to be there for each other. I just think that maybe this is why I am still on this wave. *shrug* It's okay. I'm glad I can be there for others who know this pain. It takes a community to help carry us when we can't carry ourselves. I am grateful for the community of Angel Moms that I am part of. It helps to know that I am not alone. It helps to know that if the wave throws me off of my surf board, they will be in the water to help me stay afloat and not drown.
This morning, the wave was still gently pushing me toward the sandy shore. I was reading through Facebook and another friend had posted a press release from a near by police/sheriff department. A car had been found idling on the side of a highway. They sheriff saw tracks in the snow and they followed the tracks that ended at the river. Come to find out, the owner of the car had just found a suicide note from her son... The boy was found in the icy waters. Instantly, I felt those waves I had been riding get tumultuous. I could feel myself starting to lose my balance. Tears started building in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. I could hear the knock on the door from the police to notify her that her son was dead. I instantly remembered the phone call I had when I got the news. I could visualize the police at my mom's house at her door giving my mom and daughter in law the news of Nick's death. I could feel my balance wavering; I was going to hit the water any minute now.
I responded to the post I saw and then closed Facebook. I was in the parking lot of Michael's craft store. I had things to do today. I can feel this, but I need to keep moving forward. I got out of the car and walked into Michael's focusing on the burlesque show I am getting ready for.
Just as I entered the store, to my right, was a section of beach themed decor. The beach, the ocean, the waves are where Tracy and I always feel drawn. We love the beach life. We live with Radio Margaritaville playing in the background all of the time. Heck last night, we got all dressed up in island attire to head out to a tropical themed night at a local bar; and its freezing outside! But anytime we can feel the feeling of the tropics is a good time. I felt my soul starting to calm down. I felt "island way of thinking" starting to sink in and that grief wave I had been riding had started to calm down. I had regained my balance on that board. I wasn't going to be thrown into the ocean anymore.
I continued looking through the store. I had gone in there for Gem-Tac, but I also needed to look for ideas for a prop and I wanted to take a look at some painting supplies. As I wandered around the store, I felt drawn to these little miniatures. I thought they were like "fairy garden" decorations. But they were beach themed decorations. They had little shallow mini pails that you could put sand and glass stones in and these little miniatures to make a landscape of a beach or pool or whatever. Then I heard it, "Mom, I'm here. Just keep looking. I'm here. Find me." Nick does this so often. I will be in or near a store, and I will hear him tell me that he is there. That basically means there is a rubber ducky somewhere near by and I need to find it. It's his way of showing me that he is with me all of the time, or in times when I really need him. And I DID just feel like I was about to get thrown off the surf board and into the ocean.
I started to seriously scan the decorations. First I found a tiny swan shaped "float". I thought, "Wow! That is cool!" (If you don't know me, the swan is an animal that I feel very connected to for spiritual reasons, and my first tattoo was a swan that Nick helped me design.) I continued looking, and there at the bottom, was a figurine that was an above ground pool and it had a rubber ducky float in it. There he was... Nick. Nick had shown up in the form of a rubber ducky... in the section that was all about beach and tiki bar life. It was perfect.
I still feel drawn to "the corner" really strongly. I do not know if I will get to go, and I still don't even know WHY I feel drawn there. Maybe it's because a piece of me was left there and I need to get it back. But will I ever be able to get it back? I mean it's not like it will bring Nick back. So why do I feel like I need to go there? All I know is that it feels like a primal NEED.
For right now, I will be grateful for all of the ways that Nick comes to visit me and to share his love. I'm sure this wave will hit the shore soon and I will be able to relax in the warm sand and enjoy the gentle ocean breezes and smile. For now I will remain grateful and focused on love and keep moving forward.
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