I woke up to see my friend Tawnia posting on Facebook looking for someone who might want to have breakfast with her. I was excited to see it. She and I had not met face to face, and had only recently become friends on Facebook. She lost her son 2 months ago and we had bonded over that. That is our connection. This week is her birthday week, and I know what all of that feels like. She had asked people to send her pictures or messages about her son for her birthday. I did not know her son, but I know how much that stuff means. I *wished* I had pictures or stories for her. But I COULD go to breakfast with her! So we made a plan to meet as soon as I dropped Omi off to school.
As I took Naomi to school, I told her that I was meeting Tawnia. Naomi then informed me (and she must have before, but I don't remember it at all) that she was friends with Talon (Tawnia's late son). Talon and Naomi had gone to school together in 8th grade and Naomi adored him. This information was not lost on me. I was excited to share this with Tawnia. I knew this would make her smile. And I knew right then and there that both Talon and Nick had arranged this breakfast for Tawnia and me.
I had a lovely breakfast with Tawnia. We talked about our boys. We talked about our surviving children. We talked about grief. We just visited and shared tears. It was lovely meeting with her and exchanging hugs. We left with hugs and "i love yous". Seems so odd to tell someone you just met, "I love you" but when you share something as deep as this grief that not everyone understands and shares, it makes you pretty close pretty quickly. I left her feeling grateful for our new friendship and bond.
I left the restaurant and went straight to JoAnn's to find some things to make pasties for my next performance. But first I had to make a pit stop at the bathroom. While I was in there, I started feeling really off. My head was hurting and I could feel and *see* my pulse through my eyes. Every time my hear beat, my eyes would go dark. My chest felt tight. It was all very odd. I did my shopping and left. I decided to go play Pokemon on the way home, but this feeling in my chest was getting worse. You know it's bad when I don't feel like playing Pokemon. I went home and took my blood pressure with my mom's machine. It was too high for me. I NEVER have high blood pressure...not even on the low end of high. After looking up heart attack symptoms for women and talking with Tracy, we decided I needed to go to the doctor.
I went to Urgent Care thinking they would just take my blood pressure and do an EKG. They did that. But they also decided I needed to go to the ER. They called an ambulance and I got a trip without sirens to the ER. In the ambulance, I was given 2 doses of nitro and some asprin. Once in the ER, I received my 3rd EKG and all of the EKG results were good. But the doctors wanted a blood test to rule out the heart attack. The first blood test came back good. But there is a margin of error so they wanted 2 more blood tests drawn out over time. I was in the ER until 945 or so. All test results came back good. But they were concerned that *maybe* my breakfast talking about grief caused some kind of panic response..or my blood pressure to rise and that could be a warning of something bigger. So they want me to follow up with a specialist and make sure I don't have any issues. Great. Now I will be seeing a cardiologist at least for some stress tests.
To be clear, I was NOT feeling agitated or panicky at all. I was grateful and feeling happy after my breakfast with Tawnia. It was a lovely breakfast and I do not believe in any way that my breakfast was the cause of this issue. Silly doctors just assume that if you are talking about such horrible things that THEY can't imagine happening, that it MUST cause stress enough to make my heart go wonky. They have no idea the kind of strength I have. That's a little un-nerving. I know they are just trying to empathize and just trying to help me. But telling me that I cant handle talking about my son 3 years after his death is a little..ummm.. whats the word? Let's just say, I am not fragile! At least not in that way.
Anyway, we came home and sat in the hot tub with Omi for a bit. While in the hot tub we talked some more about Talon. Naomi shared some more stories about him. I need to message Tawnia and tell her. But then as we were getting out of the hot tub, I started singing and old Sublime song...this one...
I just sang the opening ling, and Naomi picked up the rest and started singing it word for word. This song is OLDER than her. I was shocked she could sing it word for word. I said, "Wow! The fact that you can sing that Sublime song that is older than you word for word means someone has done something right." I knew it wasn't me. And then instantly she said, "It was Nick." "It was Nick." I smiled as I heard her say that and I walked into my bedroom.
I laid in bed and had the dorkiest smile on my face. Nick wanted to make sure I knew he was there. He was there yesterday morning making sure I was visiting with Tawnia. And he was there last night letting me know I was okay and he was still watching over everything. I laid in bed as I listed to him talk to me. He said he was with Talon and they are hanging out. He told me he was glad that Tawnia and I connected. Then he laughed as he made sure I remembered why he knew this song to begin with. I laughed at this memory, and I don't think I have shared it before.
When Nick was in elementary school in 1997, I decided to pick up the Sublime album. My taste in music was starting to expand. Tracy HATED Sublime or anything that wasn't country at the time. The CD case had a parental advisory on it, because as you can see this song had "bad words". It also talked about inappropriate things like violence and drugs. Anyway, the CD case had a clown on it or something like that. Nick knew he wasn't allowed to listen to these CDs. But for whatever reason, he took the CD to his friends apartment across the parking lot. His friend's mom found it and got PISSED. She came over with the CD case in hand and accused my son of being a bad influence on her child (who was a hellion in his own right). I was so mad at Nick for taking the CD over to this kids house. I was mad at him for disobeying me. I was ashamed that I got busted for having such music around where my kids could get to it. (My how my life has changed.)
After talking to Nick about it, his response was, "Well it had a clown on the cover, so I thought it was kid friendly."
Does THAT look kid friendly to you? Ya... I don't think so either. Nick was totally playing me. That little shit! LOL
He totally got busted. But the fact is, he loved that band, we laughed about it until the day he died. It is a great memory, and I had forgotten about it. I'm so glad that Nick came to visit and shared this memory with me last night. I can not even begin to express the level of contentment, peace and happiness I had last night while falling asleep. It was like he was alive and well again. No, I was not hallucinating; nor did I crash when I remembered he was dead. I knew along he was dead. But for a moment, it felt like he was right there beside me and I was so freaking happy. I love those moments. And I am "okay" this morning knowing that he is not really here in the physical because I know that when I need him, he is ALWAYS here by my side and with his family. He's a good egg that boy of mine!
With that said...... "Lovin'.. is what I got!" And isn't it sublime!
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