As we drove home from the conference, which was here in Boise, just 20-30 minutes from our home, I couldn't help but feel the call to head to my beloved mountains and hike and ground. I really feel like I need to ground and re-center myself so that I can decompress and really let what I heard sink in. However, I am so exhausted, I don't think I am up to the hike. Not to mention that *someone* might have danced and jumped a little bit too much on her new knee last night. Boy, when I woke up this morning and rolled out of bed, I felt some crazy pain in my knee and thought, "What the hell?" Then I laughed and said, "Oh ya, I had too much fun dancing and giggling last night." WORTH IT!!! So, instead of the mountains, I retreated to my backyard sanctuary... the Pirates Cove (our tiki bar).
The conference we went to this weekend was called RelateCon. It was (as you might imagine) a relationship conference. Before we left for the weekend, Tracy and I had several conversations about what our intentions and goals were for the weekend. We discussed what we had hoped to gain by attending. Our intentions went something like this:
1) Reconnect with each other on the physical, emotional and intellectual planes. With all of the conferences we have attended over the years, we have never been to one that was specifically on relationships. We have been together since we were 14 years old and we have been married nearly 29 years. I guess it was about time for us to attend a relationship conference :).
2) Personally, I really wanted to learn some new tools on knowing what I want from my relationships and be able to communicate those needs in an effective way.
3) I was also looking for better tools on conflict resolution. (which of course just means better communication, but something more specific than "better").
4) I also wanted to connect with people of like minds and make new friends.
I am finding it difficult to put into words what I learned. But I can tell you that what I learned about romantic relationships can also be applied to platonic and even work relationships.
Let's face it so many of disconnects in most relationships happen because lack of or bad communication skills. What I liked about this weekend was that I inadvertently went to several different break out sessions that all had to do with communication. (Apparently that is what the universe thought I needed). I also ended up hearing over and over again that I really need to be clear with *myself* about what I want out of my relationships.
Since the death of our son, Tracy and I have been dealing with a bit of a disconnect. Mostly because we grieve in different ways. Tracy decided to keep himself busy with side work and I turned to blogs, art and dancing. We spent less time together, not because we don't like each other, but because these things that we used to help us deal with our grief took us away from each other. We found ourselves getting into a pattern of just superficial check ins at the end of the day, or the occasional complete emotional melt down from grief. We very rarely had deeply connected heart to heart conversations. And of course, with grief, our sex drive kind of tanked. Of course, along with dealing with our own grief over losing Nick, there is also helping our remaining children and my mom (who lived with Nick over half his life) deal with their grief. Then there was the transition with our daughter in law that was wrought with all kinds of emotions. And finally, I'm sure my own traumatic brain injury, hysterectomy, and 2 knee surgeries thrown in there over the last 2 1/2 years didn't help with that situation either. In all of these situations, having some of the tools we learned this past weekend would have been so very helpful!
So now what? What did I learn this weekend to help me move forward and continue with this life-long journey of love and connnectedness? And how will I apply this to other relationships in my life? It really is just getting back to the basics and being very clear about things.
1) Be very clear about who I am. I need to know myself and what makes me tick? What are my triggers? What are my turn-ons (and I don't mean turns ons in the strictly sexual context). What actions, feelings, words make me feel as though I am being heard, valued, respected, adored, validated, cherished, sexy. What are my triggers? I need to know what will set me off and turn me from a little grumpy to crazy scary monster mom. I need to know what will turn my happy, loving mood into a dead stop crank mode. I need to be able to communicate this thoroughly to the ones that I love/like/respect/work with (in the appropriate fashion depending on the relationship). If I don't know these for myself, how can I expect others I am involved with to know these things? (Well first of all, there should be no expectations...it should be freakin' clear! LOL). That is where knowing myself and how I tick comes in.
Interestingly enough, I *USED* to know myself pretty well. However, human beings are dynamic. We grow and change, and some times we don't even realize that we do. It's like how as teenager I LOVED the perfume White Linen. But over time, I realized "Nope, not my thing anymore." I didn't know that.. until I knew that. And if people who knew me "back when" gave me that as a gift, how would they know that it "wasn't my thing" unless I told them. I don't know when, how or why that changed, but it did. So, now, as I look at myself and the things that have changed in my life, it makes perfect sense that I would be a different person NOW than I was before I lost my son. And I am likely not even the same person (in all contexts) as I was even a year ago, or maybe even before attending this conference.
It was suggested writing a user manual for myself. Yes, I could share this with the people that I love. A sort of "keys to the kingdom" kind of thing. It would tell whomever I shared it with, exactly how to win my affection or avoid my wrath. But more importantly, it would allow me to sit down with myself and REALLY get to know ME. Once I know me, I can then help others get to know me and we can communicate and live life in an easier way. If we all came with user manuals and gave them to people we work with, love with, co-habitate with, wouldn't that make life so much easier? But like I said, we would have to keep that thing up to date. Life changes. We change, and that manual needs to be updated with those changes.
2) Once I know who I am. I can then think about what I want from other relationships. Once again, I am not talking about just sexual relationships. This applies to all kinds of relationships. What am I looking for from my spouse? What kind of qualities and attributes am I looking for in a best friend. What about the people I work with or the the work place in general? And WHY am I looking for them? What purpose will those relationships serve in my life? If I am looking for a dance partner, but I end up meeting someone who says they prefer gaming, is this really the relationship I want to pursue? Don't laugh. That seriously happened to me. I placed an ad in the STRICTLY PLATONIC section of Craig's List looking specifically for a PLATONIC DANCE PARTNER, and what I got (when I finally agreed to meet with a couple of men to see if we could be dance partners) was a guy who didn't even like dancing, but would love to just go to gaming bars or a guy who didn't like dancing but wanted to go for motorcycle rides. Great. But that wasn't what I was looking for. Do I let go of what I am looking for and accept these new people for what they want or do I say, "thanks but no thanks?" You think the answer would be clear, but it wasn't. It took me a while to be able to stand up for myself and say, "thanks, but no thanks." Life is too short to "settle". If you want a dance partner, for heavens sake find the dance partner! Know what you want and go out there and get it. If something doesn't feel right, you don't have to stay in the relationship just because it is convenient or because you are afraid to hurt someone's feelings. Know what you want. Know what you are looking for. Be able to communicate that and NEVER feel guilty for standing up for it.
3) Once I have found the person I am looking for (say a dance partner). Now its time for the two of us to sit down and talk about what each person expects from this relationship. Yes, dancing, is a given. But how many times a week/month/year? What kind of dancing are we going to do? Clear, concise, compassionate communication is key in every relationship. Practice active listening. If a conflict arises, (ie....your partner spent more time dancing with someone else at the Salsa club than they did dancing with you), then be able to use non-violent/confrontational communication to express your feels and needs. Maybe they didn't even realize they were doing something wrong, and if that is the case, unless you mention it, they will never know. And if you don't mention it right away, it is likely to happen again, and things fester (cause I don't know about you, but I LOVE to tell stories in my head. Its the storyteller and writer in me). And eventually, things will blow up way out of proportion. As was said in classes this week, communicate as early and as often as possible. You are your own keeper. You are the only one who knows what you are thinking. Do NOT make the assumption that your dance partner, life partner, business partner, parent, children, or anyone else knows what you are thinking. I don't care how long you have had them in your life, they are not always going to know what you are thinking. It's true. Tracy and I JUST had this conversation this morning (thanks to these classes). He says something, I thought he meant it one way, but what he really meant was something completely different and the end result was that we were both disappointed in the end result. Communication.. knowing what the other person wants.. asking for clarity.. being willing to LISTEN is huge!
4) Inevitably, there is going to be a conflict somewhere. So how are you going to deal with it? Are you going to play the victim? Are you going to find your own solution and then present it to the person you have the conflict with and say.. "here's what we are going to do..." Or are you going to stop. Collect your thoughts. Look at the situation and the role you played in it. You felt your dance partner spent too much time dancing with someone else at Salsa Night. Okay, but what did you actually FEEL? And WHY? Did it trigger you in some way? Did it break some kind of agreement you had already made with that partner? Or are you just making stories up in your head? Before you react, stop, breathe and think. Own your own stuff. Maybe, your partner spent more time dancing with someone else because in reality, you needed to take a break and you expected your partner to come check on you to see if you were ready to dance again. When instead, you should have said to yourself, "Okay, I'm ready to shake my groove thing. I will let my partner know so we can get to dancing together again." Or *maybe* they found a partner who knows something different than the two of you already know, and they are learning it to bring it back to teach to you. But you will never know until you have an open and honest talk with them. But you have to be able to understand your emotions before you can have this conversation. Non-violent communication uses this model..."When you spent more time dancing with the other person, I felt excluded and unworthy. Can we please discuss this and find a resolution?"
My example is so simplified. There is so much more than I learned about this.
Another thing I took away from the conflict resolution talk was to remember that only 1 person gets to be aggrieved at one time. It's not helpful to say, "I am upset that you danced with the other person so long." and then have your partner respond with, "Well I am upset because you are always late when I arrive to pick you up to go dancing." No. We were told this week that only 1 person gets to "play victim" at a time. The first person who was brave enough to speak gets to have their conversation and issue resolved before the next thing can be talked about. So huge!
5) I took a class on sustaining intimacy and connection. Again, this is another class that can be applied to more than just a marriage. It can be applied to any friendships. It can be applied to your relationship with your children. Just gotta tweak a few things here and there. Again, it boiled down to knowing myself and knowing my "partner" (or whoever it is you are talking about). What do you want from that relatiosnhip? What do THEY want? What makes people tick? And WHY do you want to sustain a relationship with them? For me, in a very over simplified way, this boils down to scheduling and making time for quality time one on one with the person you want to have a relationship with. Go on dates that allow you talk but don't put the pressure on talking (active dates, like hiking, paint & sips, live music (that's not too loud)..things like that). Try NEW things that are new to both of you. Think outside of the box. And if it is a romantic relationship that you want to rekindle a spark in, then realize it won't take one romantic date to fix something that has been a bit chronic. Like for me and Tracy. We may have lost ourselves in the grief process. It is going to take more than one night at paint & sip (no matter how amazing that was) to repair 2 years of wear and tear from grief. It's going to take more than one weekend at a relationship conference filled with classes to reconnect us. It is going to take following through with the things we learned. It's going to take daily practice. It's going to take commitment. It's going to take patience. It's going to take love (which we have in abundance, thank god). And it's going to take BOTH of us. I really LOVED this particular class! Out of all of the classes, this one filled with me hope!
Aside from all of the amazing classes that we took this weekend, I also got to meet some equally amazing human beings from all over the place in all different walks of life. I love deep heart felt connections. I crave them. I long for them. Whether the connections are platonic or something more, I love the deep intimate heart felt soul connections that can be made with other human beings. And this weekend was wrought with that. During one of the "game" classes, we spent time doing eye gazing, which is one of my most absolute favorite things to do with someone. You can see so much of their soul by just quietly staring into another person's eyes. You don't have to touch them. Just look into their eyes. And sit with that. It is such a beautiful experience. And there are a few people that I had a chance to connect with without ever saying a word, and I am so grateful for those connections. I am grateful to have been able to expand upon those connections by getting to know them by chatting with them, dancing with them, laughing with them and even crying with some of them. I am grateful for the moments in which I got to share stories about my children. I am grateful for the moments in which I got to share Nick's story....especially since his birthday is coming up on Tuesday, and the grief was a little raw. And since this was a relationship conference, grief plays a huge role in how my relationships look and form right now, and will likely continue to play a role (even if its just a small role). It is a part of me now, and that is all there is to it. So I am eternally grateful for those people who held space for me to share my heart and my tears. I am grateful to those who held my hands and reminded me that my favorite words in the whole wide world are Blessed and Joy. Before Nick died, those were my two favorite words and I truly FELT those things at the very core of my being. And this weekend, I was able to feel those two things again. I was able to touch those things. They no longer feel so far removed from my life, and I am grateful.
We sat through a hypnotist workshop and I was able to let go of a few things and see some things in a very positive, love filled light. Joy filled my soul. And I feel as though I am able to move through some road blocks that have been a bit stuck. I am filled with gratitude for this gift.
I am excited to delve deeper into the amazing woman that I have become. I am excited to get to know her. I am excited to get to share her with those I love. I am excited to explore new friendships and see where they lead.
I am excited for new possibilities.
I am excited for the new lessons in communication, new and deeper, revitalized connection with the man that I love with my whole heart.. the man I intend to spend the rest of my joy-filled life with. I am excited to feel that spark again.
***NOTE**** The ideas mentioned here are some of my notes and thoughts taken from the amazing presenters at this conference......Minx & Lusty Guy, Tyson, Brenda, Masami, Mandee, Melissa and Kitty.
Loved reading all your thoughts and takeaways from the conference. Thanks for sharing!! :)
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