****Before I start blogging......if you are Nick's widow or are friends with her or are related to her in any way shape or form, please stop reading. If you continue to read, you are reading knowing that this blog may have something about her, and you agree to NOT hold anything I say against me or go back and ask her questions about what I type. This blog is for ME and about ME and how I feel about certain situations that she may not even be privy to. What happens (or doesn't) between us is not open to discussion between anyone else but the two of us. You are just a 3rd party person reading this blog and have no right or reason to go back to her and start asking questions..that causes harm to her and to me. Please be mindful and respect my privacy and her's as well. Her name will never be used in my blog again, and I am doing my best to keep her and her family/friends from seeing it on Facebook..so if you are reading this..that means you are either friends and family of mine personally or have talked to me and asked to be allowed to keep reading my blog.....OR...you are following my blog because you want to..not because you saw it posted on Facebook. Please respect my privacy and her's as well. Thank you.*******
But today I was blind sided by a Facebook post that was about an anniversary that has nothing to do with Nick, but it has everything to do with Nick's death. I jumped on Facebook and began to scroll through my news feed, and one of the first things I saw was a post from Nick's widow. Today she is celebrating the first anniversary with the new man she has been dating for a year.
Let's be clear about what this date is. Today is October 9, 2016. Nick was killed on November 10, 2014. We are one month and one day away from the 2 year anniversary of Nick's death. That really means nothing except the days are getting closer to the anniversary of Nick's death and Tracy and I are REALLY struggling with grief these days. We are not struggling because we are worried about the anniversary. We are struggling because, for whatever reason, grief has taken the reigns for now. Grief is doing some pretty ugly work right now. It is pretty hard for us to keep it together. I have not been blogging about things because, to be honest, my mind is so confused about WHY I am upset that I can not put it into words. I have been upset about so many different things in the last month that I can't figure out where to start, or even if I should. Some things are about the widow and I am not allowed to express them in a public blog format..at least without some serious word smithing that I am just not up to right now.
Anyway, this isn't about why I have been upset for the last month. This is about the anniversary of a different kind.
It's not like we didn't know she was dating back then or living with the man now. The relationship isn't new. It's not a shocker to us. So why did this post upset me? I took a screen shot of it, but I just realized it had her name on there.. so I can't post it here. But let me describe it for you. It had 5 pictures of her with him. They were smiling, drinking, cuddling, with other family members as they met each other's families over the year. And it had a sweet post comment: "An amazing year. Thank you for always having my back, loving me when I'm hard to love, and for being so patient and giving. You light up my life and make my smile shine. I'm incredibly blessed to have you and grateful to call you mine. I love you."
None of that is offensive. None of that is horrible. And to be fair, I am glad she has someone who loves her. And if he makes her happy, that is all I have ever wanted for her. So, why then did it bother me?
This is why.....
She was supposed to be saying those things about MY son. Those pictures were suppose to be of her and Nick. She was supposed to be telling Nick, "I love you." And more to the point, when I commented on that post it was suppose to be about her and Nick not about her and another man (I don't care who that man is/was/whatever). Typing, "Happy Anniversary. I'm glad you have someone who loves you and makes you happy" was probably the 2nd hardest thing I have ever had to type (topped only by having to type that my son was killed).
Gah! This sounds so petty and selfish. But no one prepared me for this. I wish I had gotten a heads up in a PM that today was their anniversary and she would be making a gushing Facebook post about it. More, to the point, I wish she had just blocked me from seeing it all together. She had to have known it was going to sting a bit when we read it. (I say that after having one hell of a conversation with her about how my blog posts have hurt her because they were public or got back to her even after I tried to protect her from them.) She was mad at me and asked that I respect her privacy and feelings, but she didn't think to protect our feelings. Yes, I say "our" because Tracy was just as hurt.
(Before anyone says, "but you are still blogging about her", Tracy told her that I would be blogging about this subject..warned her..before I had even decided to do it. Don't get me started on how I feel about having to clear or warn people about my blogs.) Anyway......
Gah. I'm too emotional to write this in a calm manner. I am trying my best. I am writing this, not because I am upset, but because this is such a valid issue with grieving people. When someone you love dies and they were married to someone else, watching that someone else move on is down right heart wrenching. It is gut wrenching. It is one of the most painful things I have ever had to experience. You think that when your loved one dies, you hope that their spouse can stay part of your family. But honestly, it takes a HUGE amount of emotional sacrifice to suck it up and be happy for that person. Yes, you can be happy. But it is so hard when you see that person with the new love. It is so hard to see them be gushy. It is so hard to see them around town You are happy they are being loved, but it is a distinct reminder of what you lost. Reconciling those two things is downright near impossible (at least for me... right now.) I can't put that into words. And thanks to today's technology, everyone sees everything on Facebook (if you are friends with people). But you don't want to "unfriend" someone you have loved for 10 years. If it's your child in law, you don't want to unfriend them just because their only "crime" is because they fell in love with someone new and found happiness (cause that is what you want for them..and that is what your own child would have wanted for them). But what about YOU?
How do you protect yourself and keep your own sanity? When is enough, enough? When is it time to walk away? When is it time to say, "I have loved this person. I still love this person. I have done what I could in loving memory of my child. I have done what I could in relation to being this person's parent (in law). It's time for me to step away and let them live their own life."
I guess it would be different if Nick had children with her. But they didn't. There is no blood connecting us. But I loved her like my own. I have spent years watching after her....even before she was married to Nick. When her family would not help with college, we did. When her family would not help with finances, we did. When her own father refused to dance the father/daughter dance at the wedding, Tracy stepped up. When her own family didn't come to Florida to help their grieving daughter, I was there (not only grieving my son but also making sure their daughter was okay while also taking care of my mom's house). We were her family. But now.... Now she is celebrating a year with another man. A man she moved in with last February. There is another family that can take care of her. Her own family can step up to the plate and care for her.
Why do I feel like it is my responsibility to take care of her now? She has moved on. She is happy with her choice. I must recognize that and cut the apron strings. She is not "mine" to care for (in the care taker sense. I will always love her and who she was to my son.)
So is it possible to go from the "mom" role to the "friend" role? Is it possible to look at her and forget that she was part of my dead son's life and just be happy that she has found love and happiness without attaching it to the memory of her being married to my son and then losing my son? Is that possible?
I think the answer would be: maybe... in time. (And maybe if I took down all the pictures of her with our son Nick in them.) But that time is not now. I can't right now. This 2nd year of grief has been the most excruciating year. The first year was all of the "firsts" and we were still in shock. The 2nd year, the shock has worn off and now we are just in deep grief. Tracy and I are dealing with so much right now. We are doing our best to keep our marriage together in the wake of Hurricane Grief. So ya, I don't have the emotional energy to look at her posts and be strong and say, "this doesn't bother me." It absolutely crushes me. So no. I am not her friend right now. I am the grieving mother of her dead husband who saw her post how happy she is with a man who is not my son.
So what can I do about how I feel? How can I protect myself? What is the message out there for other grieving people who might come up against this? I wish I had a bucket of wisdom to share. I don't. The best I have is my own reality in this moment. I will "unfollow" her on Facebook so I do not see her happy gushy posts. Of course, that also means I will not see when she is struggling from grief over losing my son. But I can't be both people right now. I can't be her care taker. I don't know how to be the two. And I have to come first. Why? Because if I can not take care of myself, I can not take care of my family. Also, my own children lost their brother, and it is my job to care for THEM. The widow has a man in her life that can console her. She has a sister and a father and her boyfriends family living close by that can console her. It is not my job. My job is to care of me and my family. "Unfollowing" will be how I protect myself.
What is my message out there to all who are grieving? Be prepared. Be prepared for what you know is going to happen eventually. Whoever loved your loved one, is most likely going to move on. It is the nature of things. Your loved one would have wanted their partner to be happy and to find love again. Your loved one would want you to be happy for them. However, your loved one would also want you to take care of you. If you are the parent who lost a child; your job is to take care of you first. You should not sacrifice your feelings so that your child's partner doesn't see how unhappy you are. As mom's we spend a great deal of our time being the "sacrificial mom". It is in our nature to sacrifice time for ourselves or even our own feelings in order to keep our family's from being inconvenienced. Stop that! Stop that now! If you are grieving a child, take care of YOU. No one else is going to do it! Yes, you have children that need you, but if you keep stuffing your emotions..if you keep sacrificing your own self care, you will explode and it will not be pretty. You are also teaching your family that it is okay to stuff how they are feeling and that their own feelings don't matter. You are also telling your family that you do not trust them with your emotional well being. Let your emotions show. Cry in front of your children and partner. Allow them to comfort you and to see that it is okay to cry in front of people. Show them that grief is okay.. no matter how long it has been. Show them that it is okay to take time to take care of you. Explain that you need a break from parenting for a moment because you need a "grief time out". You need time to grieve, cry, express yourself. By doing this, you empower your family members to care for themselves and ask for what they need too.
No comments:
Post a Comment