In the last couple of days on facebook I have been pictures of people hiking up above the clouds that blanket the valley. I have seen pictures of beautiful snow capped mountains breaking through the fog. All of these pictures are remarkably beautiful and remind me of how I feel on those really bad inversion days here in the valley. Life is covered in this thick, cold inversion. Everything is gray and frosty. Their air is pungent from the smells that get trapped like a fart in a steamy bathroom. And my heart just feels heavy during that time. My soul longs to take a drive up high in the mountains above all of the ugly heaviness. I get into my car and drive the twisting, winding, treacherous Bogus Basin Road until finally, I am out of the crazy inversion. Finally, I am bathed by warm sunlight and surrounded by clarity and beauty. But there is this moment.. right at the edge of the inversion and the beauty.. its the breakthrough.. where everything just seem so beautiful. Even the inversion provides beautiful crystals on the baron trees. Even the clouds that hang over the valley have beautiful hues to the gray and white world it has created. The sun shines on the inversion and shows a dramatic beauty. There is a whole new perspective to life in that moment of breakthrough.
That is where I am right now. I feel like, for the last month or more, I have been living a life that was stuck in a bleak, cloud, cold, heavy, ugly inversion. I've been stuck in a steam filled room that someone had just farted in. I have been suffocating and trying to claw my way out. And right now, I feel like I am right there at the edge of a breakthrough where my perspective has changed. I can see the pain for what it was and see the beauty in that pain. I can also see the beautiful sun light just on the other side.. a beautiful place of rest and rejuvenation. I still have some time to be spent in this breakthrough space. I know I will still feel the bitter cold for a bit longer. But I also know that there is clarity just on the other side. I am almost there.
There has been so much going on in my emotional world. There has been just about as much going on in my physical world. But I think, things are finally calming down a bit.
I feel a spark of creativity peaking through. I feel laughter bubbling up. I feel like freedom is just around the corner.
I am feeling very blessed. I look at my little immediate family and I see such growth and such blessings. I see Tracy, who always works so hard, finally taking a few day here and there off of his extra work. He is spending more time relaxing and more time with me and/or the kids. I see Naomi blossoming. She is making more and more friends. She is making great choices. She is recovering from her first serious concussion. She is handling emotional things very well and without completely crumbling. I see Nate taking big steps at work. He was interviewed and hired for more opportunities at work. He has his car back up and running; it still needs work, but he will get that taken care of as more checks come in. I see him taking better care of things around the house and voluntarily cleaning and taking responsibility for things around the house. Both kids are grateful and constantly thanking me for things like making dinner or whatever I am doing around the house. I am feeling appreciated by my children. It feels amazing. No things, aren't perfect, but I do feel as though we are on an up swing.
Interestingly enough, there was a time before and after Nick's accident where we have been very close to kicking Nate out of the house. But in the last 6 months, maybe, things have changed. And now that Nate has a job and is making enough to move out (within a year's time frame), Tracy and I both have admitted to each other that we don't want him to go. We love having him living at home, even if he is still smoking the stupid cigarettes. (That is HUGE for Tracy....he wanted him out because Nate was smoking... and now he is saying, I don't want him to leave.) I see our family healing. I see our family becoming closer. We take time to see each other for where we are. We take time to hug each other and support each other. We take time to listen and to talk. I feel like we are becoming a cohesive unit again. There is a sense of peace in the house that hasn't been here since Nick's accident. Yes, there is still sadness, but there is something else very different in the house. Like I said, it feels as though I am coming out of the inversion. Maybe the whole house is too? I don't know. I can't speak for the rest of my family. I can only speak for what I am feeling right now (which could change at any moment).
I have had some really REALLY dark days in the last couple of months. No one really knows how dark, except for me. But I finally feel like I am coming out of it. How do I KNOW I am coming out of it? Things like my knee surgery schedule getting messed up did not send me over a cliff. Yes, I was unhappy. Yes, I shed a tear or two, but I was also able to find some good in the situation. I have been able to follow up with things and not feel buried beyond measure and left for dead under the burden of someone else's mistakes. I was able to come back from the disappointment rather quickly. I also hit my head pretty hard and caused another concussion. This does not make me very happy; however, I have not let it destroy me. I am taking my brain breaks and doing my best to keep things running smoothly around here. But if this had happened a month ago, it would have crushed me.
Another symptom of things getting better, I am redecorating the guest room. It has been several things since we have moved into this house. But I have decided to turn it into a guest room..complete with a full size antique iron bed that I inherited as a little girl, night stands, desk, fancy chair, book shelf and "glamorous" touches. I gave up my dance room for this guest room, but it is going to have a feel of a burlesque room with pictures of burlesque performers as well as a collage frame from our family photo shoot. The colors are red/black/gold/silver and anything sparkly. LOL I want it to be a mixture of vintage meets glam. Since our family photo shoot was a 50's theme with red and black, I decided to use those in there as well to add a personal touch to the room. I am excited about it. It will be my little sanctuary. It has been a wonderful creative outlet for me. And I am excited about it. I am also very grateful to Tracy for getting the iron bed repaired and making all of his possible.
Right now, my heart is filled with gratitude. I may still feel sad about the loss of my son, but that will always be a constant. My knee may still be hurting and I have a new concussion, but otherwise I am healthy and strong. My kids are healthy and amazing. My husband is the best provider and such a great daddy to our children. We have everything we need and more to share. I am very grateful for all of that. Most importantly, I am grateful for the enormous amount of love in my life.
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