I have tried writing this blog twice already and both times I have just deleted the entire thing. Why? Because sometimes I feel like what I write is whiney and indulgent.
I have been struggling with grief and grief related depression. It has pretty much zapped me of anything positive (at least emotionally). I have been dealing with feelings of guilt, both guilt I have assigned to myself and blame I have assigned to others, when in reality, I know it is no one's fault that Nick is dead.. .except for the lady who hit him.
Before anyone says anything about it being nearly 2 years since his death, and I should "move on", I just need to say this. I thought that after the 1 year anniversary, all of my grief would just *poof*. I thought that anything over a year was self-indulgent and whiney. But in reality, thanks to some reading I have done, I have learned that year 2 of grief can be worse than year 1. I have also learned that grief from losing a spouse can take 2 years to recover from while losing a child can take 5 years. (Let's hope it doesn't take 5 years for me!) Anyway.. so before some of you start saying, "It's time to move on", just slow your role. I am doing the best I can with what I have. I can guarantee you that.
I won't lie; that first night when I found out my son was dead, I worried about many things. One of the things I worried about was my marriage. I have seen marriages dissolve in the months after the loss of a child. I didn't want that for my marriage. Year 2 of our grief journey has proven to be a bit difficult. Tracy and I grieve differently and at different times. We both deal with things differently. It can be difficult. I talk (entirely too much). He doesn't talk at all. When he does talk, he is afraid it will bring me down. Communication has been hindered. Lots of things have been affected. And it does put a strain on our marriage. I'm not saying our marriage is in deep doo-doo... I'm just saying, that the strain is there and we have acknowledged it and are doing our level best to work through this.
Here's the deal. In normal, every day life, people are continually changing. In a marriage, you seldom change at the same rate. That change, no matter how big or small, can put a strain on a marriage, and sometimes can even destroy it. In order to make it through things, spouses need to realize what is going on and be patient with each other until the other catches up. Now when something HUGE happens, like losing a child, change can not be denied. Individuals change. That can't be ignored. When the married couple comes out on the other side of the grief and see that their spouse is different, it requires getting to know that person the way they are and loving them in their new version. More importantly, it requires that that each person loves the change that happens within themselves. Or at least, they have to continue loving themselves in order to love another. This is really hard, at least for me. I see the change in me, and to be completely honest, I am not sure I love the person I have become.
I know I should not live in the past. I know I should live in the present. But I miss the "happy, every day positive" person I used to be. Now it feels like I am faking it when I try to be that person. My temper is shorter now. My fuse is easily lit. I lack the patience I used to have. And my compassion is in a smaller scale. I try. I really try. But man, it's hard. I feel more selfish now. I don't like that very much. But I also feel like I don't have much to give anymore. I feel like I barely have enough for myself and my family.
Then there is the blame/guilt game. For about year now, I have (unwillingly) been placing blame for Nick's death on someone I love. I won't go into who and why. Mostly because I realize it's just a way for me to try and find some rationality for Nick being gone, and really there isn't any. Then I started a new train of thought. "It's my fault." It's my fault. I never should have mentioned to Nick about the idea of moving to Florida and living with my mom while he finished college. If I had not done that, then he would not have gotten married to Suzy so soon. If he had not gotten married to Suzy and moved to Florida, then they would not have had the issue with only 1 car that was a stick that she would not drive. If that had not been an issue, he would not have gotten rid of his car to get a car for Suzy to drive and a motorcycle for him. If he had not gotten a motorcycle, then the accident wouldn't have happened and he would still be alive. So see... there it is. It is my fault. I am the reason my son is dead. Instead of having my mom move here (like she was wanting to do back then), I put the seed in Nick's head to move there and live with her... and that is what started this spiral into his death. Now, not only is my son dead, but my mom is living here and she is depressed because she misses her friends. I am watching her health decline. If I had moved her here all those years ago, maybe things would be different for her.
Something else that hit me in the last couple of weeks has been the realization that Nick lived with my mom for half of his life. I had not really taken that into consideration when it comes to my mom and grief. Right after Nick was killed, my mom had said something to the effect that she doesn't' cry over dead people. They are just gone. My mom and I have had conversations about this, and she says that I didn't take it right. We have cleared that up. But recently, she drove by the remainder of a motorcycle accident. I heard the grief in her voice. To my mom, it might very well feel like she lost one of her own children.. not "just a grandson". We moved in with my parents when Nick was just a few months old. WE lived there for 6 years. Mom was a huge part of his life. She watched him for us. She was there when he learned how to swim. She was there when he learned how to surf (before he could swim). She was there for all of those firsts. Then he moved back in with her when he was in college. And though Nick and Suzy spent most of their time in their separate part of the house, my mom was there to witness and be part of a big chunk of his life...closer than most grandparents get to their grandchildren. So ya....I bet the grief is huge with her. Add to that, the huge move across the country leaving behind her friends and extended bonus family. Her move was necessary, at least I believe it was. But I also think I reacted selfishly. I moved her entirely too soon after Nick's death. WE made that decision FOR her. But I also know that I did the best I could for her, for my family, for myself. I had my brother's there when Nick died. They saw how mom was. We all agreed she needed to not be alone. But man, I kinda feel guilty about that. I kinda feel guilty about how much she misses her friends in Florida. I am watching her decline here. I thought she would improve. And for a while she did. But recently, there has been a change and I am worried about her.
I know. I know. I can't live in the past. And I can't live in the land of "what ifs" and "only ifs". I can only live in this moment right now.
Here is what I tell myself to try and get over this guilt and blame game. Tracy and I have had motorcycles since Nick was 4 years old. He grew up with them. They were part of his lifestyle. It was obvious that one day he would own a motorcycle...whether it was because he needed a cheaper way to travel or because he just wanted one for the pure enjoyment. He was going to own one. His death is not my fault. But then, after I tell myself this, I hear myself say. Well okay, if you NEVER had motorcycles in your life, Nick would not have grown up with them in his life resulting him having one for himself. This isn't true either. Tracy never had motorcycles in his life and we have been riding them for over 20 years now. So ya.
I know. It's not my fault. I need to let that go.
Tracy and I have both been dealing with the difficulty of getting back on our motorcycle. We ride, but its difficult. Tracy doesn't like to ride like he used to. And I love the idea of riding, but the minute I get on the back of the bike, I am terrified that some idiot will cut us off and cause us to crash. I am on constant alert, and not in a good way. It is very hard for me to relax on the back of the bike. I am terrified that we will have an accident and that one or both of us will be killed or that one or both of us will be disabled. I am terrified that my children will be traumatized further by another motorcycle accident. I have visions of my children crying. It is horrible. Part of me says, it is time to sell the bike and just get another vehicle. Then the other part of me says, "don't let this take away your joy." But the truth of the matter is, every time I get on the bike, I remember my son is dead because of the bike.
I also have this very horrible thought process that makes me feel guilty. In the last couple of months, I have had 2 friends have children run away. I have 2 other friends with children suffering and in the hospital. I find myself being "thankful" that Nick died immediately in his accident. I find myself feeling guilty for feeling relief that Nick didn't lay in a hospital fighting for his life. I feel guilty and selfish for thinking how badly that would have hurt all of us if he had been in the hospital for a long time. I watch my friends and I hear their stories about all of the worry and fears....and I think.. "God, I'm glad we didn't have to go through that." What does it say about me that I would rather live and deal with grief than that kind of worry (that is not just temporary..but life long in some cases).
Yesterday, I was shopping in a craft store and they already had Christmas decorations out. Not crafts to be done, but actual christmas decorations. And I about broke down in the walk way. I don't want to face Christmas this year. This year, it will be the first time we don't have Suzy as part of our family. Yes, there is grief around the changing of relationships with Suzy. Honestly, it is still very confusing when it comes to Suzy. She and I have still not really talked. The only person in our family that she talks to is Tracy and it seems as though (unless something drastic happens) the relationship is at an impasse. That hurts. And yes, I have to grieve that loss too. So the holidays are not looking so fun. While I was on the motorcycle today, I thought about Thanksgiving. I really just wanna go on vacation and do something non-traditional. Is that fair to my kids who want tradition? Nope. But man, I just want to ignore the holidays or do something completely different and distract ourselves.
What all of this boils down to is this: I have been struggling. I hate that I am blogging about this STILL. I want to blog about something happy for a change. LOL. I am doing the best I can. I am back in the gym and treating myself better. I am working out. My body is changing shape (for the better). I am eating better. The whole family is eating better (for the most part). But it takes everything I have to get my ass into the gym. It takes everything I have to get myself to the grocery store and then actually cook. I don't even want to go to parties right now. We forced ourselves to go to a party a couple of weeks ago, and as fun as the party was, Tracy and I were pretty much miserable. (Not the parties fault.) I don't even want to do burlesque. I don't want to do anything but hide in a world of Pokemon hunting and TV shows. But I am forcing myself out of the house. I am forcing myself to do things. I am afraid to talk to my friends. I am afraid that they are going to get tired of me. I know I am tired of me. LOL No, I do not want to go to therapy. I don't think I need therapy. I know what is going on. I know it will take time. I am doing things I need to do to get better. But I hurt. That is all.
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
August 17, 2016 Everyone Has to Pee Sometime
As I rushed into the ladies room at Joann's Fabrics, shut the stall door and sat down to relieve my aching bladder a weird memory came flashing back to me.
I was a Junior at J.J. Pearce High School. I had just transferred back to public school after attending a small Christian private school since 6th grade. Since this was my "home" high school, I knew a few people from back when I went to elementary school with them. "Knew" is a broad term. How about, I remembered them, but I was just an unmemorable face in a sea of thousands of faces in that school. Yes, I said thousands. My school had well over 3000 students for 10th-12th grades. And if the truth be told, even my elementary school years were filled with scrutiny and bullying. I was always looked down on. So it's no wonder that when I returned to the public school environment, I was both very timid and and unmemorable.
So what does this have to do with the ladies bathroom?
At Pearce, there was a girl's room on the ground floor in the main hall kind of close to the cafeterias. It's the one you went to, if you were at the cafeterias (yes, we had TWO cafeterias in my high school). Anyway, I don't remember how many stalls were in this girl's room. Five maybe? But it was always packed with girls primping themselves in front of the mirror. I don't think girl's actually used the bathroom for what it was intended for. But I remember having to go rather badly, so I went. And I remember being afraid to pee. I remember being afraid that someone would hear me peeing and make fun of me and spread rumors about how loud I pee'd. Seriously? It's liquid hitting liquid, there is going to be some noise. But I remember how afraid I was of relieving myself in the high school public bathroom. I wanted to go through high school under the radar. I wanted to avoid the bullying of elementary school. I wanted to avoid the name calling that followed me into the Christian school. I just wanted to have a peaceful last 2 years of high school. Was that too much to ask?
As I relieved myself at Joann's, this memory came back to me and I contemplated the silliness of my thinking. I also thought about conversations I had with other students during that year or the year that followed. I remember how "in your face" people could get. I remember how important it seemed to be wearing the right clothes, the right perfume, drive the right car, and yes......the all important question, "Have you had sex with your boyfriend yet?" Navigating high school is like navigating a mine field. One wrong step, and you are toast! I thought about this, and I thought about my daughter who is about to start her Junior year in high school. That's when I decided I needed to write this blog....for all of the daughter's out there facing the mine field that is high school.
1) Everyone has to pee sometime. Seriously. It's okay to go into the bathroom at school and relieve yourself. No one is listening to you pee and judging you by how loud or quiet you are. I know it feels like you are under a microscope, but I promise you, the sound of your urination is not one of the things being considered! So, please, relieve yourself with peace of mind! It's much better than doing the potty dance!
2) The "right clothes". I grew up in the 80's. What was popular? Keds tennis shoes. Guess jeans. Coca Cola shirts. None of these (except maybe the Keds) were inexpensive, and for a girl who was coming from a house with a dad who had been unemployed for a year and a mom who was a secretary, these things were NOT in the budget! Heck, the cars we drove either had a car door that would fly open when you turned the right direction or the drivers seat was broken and had to be propped up in order to sit up straight in it. I remember, for whatever reason, my dad had given me a credit card that was in his name. He told me specifically, "This is to be used for emergency purposes only." Apparently, matching Coca Cola shirts for me and my boyfriend did not constitute an emergency. What my dad didn't understand was that every day, I went to school and felt like I was being ridiculed or left out because I didn't wear the right things. That Coca Cola shirt WAS an emergency of the utmost importance in my teenage world. With that said... even WITH that fancy shirt, I was still on the outskirts of the high school world. So what did I learn? It's not the clothes that earn you friends or make you feel included. Clothes certainly won't fix the issue so don't freakin' break the bank to buy the right kinds of stuff.
When my son, Nate, was in junior high, all he wanted to wear was named brand clothing from Hollister. That is so NOT cheap. I taught him how to shop in the sales section of his favorite name brand clothing stores. Eventually, all he ever wore was Hollister. And you know what happened. All of the kids who wore it turned on him because he started wearing it. It's crazy. High School kids march to the rhythm of their own drum, and they will change that rhythm on a whim, without notice. So stop trying to be like them, and own your own style. You will feel so much more comfortable in your own skin, if you can learn to stop following the crowd.
3) Sex. Sex seems to be a very popular conversation in high school. Who's doing it? Who are they doing it with? Yadda yadda yadda. Let's go back to my junior year at Pearce. Remember, I had just left a private Christian school. At my Christian school, we weren't even allowed to hold hands with someone we were dating much less have sex. And god forbid we talk about it. I remember once, I made the mistake of confiding to people who I thought were my friends. As it turned out, they continued that conversation with other people without me around, and in front of parents and that whole conversation got back to my mom. Not cool. So when I got to Pearce, the last thing I wanted to talk about was how intimate I was with my boyfriend (who is now my husband). I didn't know these people, and seriously, your sex life is your own private world. It is not to be talked about in school with your friends (or people you think are your friends). Anyway, in my home-ec class (cooking), I shared a table with 2 girls and 1 guy. One of the girls insisted that she was dating some college boy with his own helicopter and supposedly the sex was "out of this world". Maybe the helicopter should have been a red flag, but since my school was filled with high school kids driving brand new BMWs and Mercedes, I didn't see it as being to big of a red flag. But boy, this girl kept going on and on about the sex and getting hotel rooms with this boy. Then she would ask me repeatedly if I was having sex with my boyfriend. "You have been with him for nearly 3 years, surely you have had sex by now!" My answer was always "No, I'm still a virgin. We are waiting until we get married." My answer was a bold faced lie, but it was none of her business. What I learned that semester in school was this: The kids who are always bragging about having sex are more than likely NOT having sex and are just trying to impress people (in the wrong way). And those who ARE having sex are likely not talking about it because.. its a PRIVATE MATTER! So when you are in school and listening to your friends talk, keep that in mind. There is always going to be peer pressure to do things, and sex is one of them. If it's not coming from the person you are dating, it might come from your friends who seem to think sex is cool. Sex is not a measurement for how cool or not cool you are. Sex is something that should be shared between people who love each other. Okay, even that may be a stretch. Ideally, yes, it should be. But I also know teenagers who have made very logical, safe and sane decisions to have sex with people they were just friends with. Obviously, I am not a proponent of abstinence until marriage. However, I am a proponent of safe and sane sex. I am a proponent of "No Means NO" and always having consent before any physical touching. Sex is a grown up thing for people who are mature. Respect for yourself and for your partner is of the utmost importance. And yes, ideally, being in a long term relationship is best. "Long term" means more than 2 weeks or 2 months. But again, SAFETY FIRST, no matter when, where or with whom! Condoms ALWAYS....even on top of the the birth control pill! It's not about just preventing unwanted pregnancy.. its about preventing sexually transmitted infections. If you want/need to know more, check out Planned Parenthood (they give you free condoms and they have sex ed classes and you don't need a parent to get on the pill or be seen there.)
Oh ya.. and if you hear some boy say... "Me and this girl had sex" (or something like that) Don't believe him. For that matter, call him out on his shit! Tell him that is private and he should not be talking about it. Most likely, he is telling a lie about the girl, and that really hurts! Call him out on it! I don't know why guys think its cool to put that kind of stuff out there... well other than he wants to look all "manly" and crap. But let's face it, a real man doesn't talk about that stuff in public and certainly wouldn't talk about the girl he respects that way. So ya... call him out on it! Same thing with the girls; cause, ya, some girls like talking about that stuff too. Bottom line: Being sexually active is NOT a status symbol!
4) Drinking and Drugs. In high school BOTH of these are illegal. You will likely be invited and/or attend at least one party where these things are happening. If you do decide you want to partake of such things, please do not get behind the wheel of a car. Don't let your friends get behind the wheel of a car. Be smart! If you are going out with friends who you know will be making a choice to drink or do drugs, then please make sure you have a designated driver who will stay sober and sane and make sure everyone gets home safe. Also, your parents would rather you call them to pick you up than to have the cops call them to tell them their child is dead or has been arrested. If you are going to do stupid things, be smart about it! While we are talking about drinking and drugs, if you are at a party, hold on to your own cup and always be the one to get your own drinks. Be responsible for yourself. Don't trust anyone at the party.. not even your date. Your best bet is to avoid these kinds of parties, but if you can't or don't..just keep these things in mind. Be safe. Be sane. Stay alive.
Also..just an FYI: Boys AND Girls, if someone is drunk they are UNABLE to give consent for sexual activity. Sexual activity without consent is called RAPE. Keep that in mind. There is no excuse for ignorance.. be respectful and know the law!
5) High School is supposed to be some of your funnest years. But for so many, it is filled with anxiety. For so many, it is not a safe place. Even if technically it is safe, sometimes it doesn't feel safe for some kids. Practice kindness. Smile at a stranger; you never know, that smile might save their life. Say hello to a kid you have never met. Step outside of your comfort zone and try something new this year; you might be pleasantly surprised at the friends you make. Remember to make time to study, but also remember to make time to relax and have fun. It seems like high school has turned into this "must work to get into college" thing. This is true, college is a very important thing. But so many kids are over worked and over stressed. Remember to breathe. Remember to make time to have some fun. Go to the dances. If you don't have a date, then get a group of your friends together and go as a group of friends (those are the best kinds of dances anyway). Take silly pictures. Don't be afraid to be goofy. You only get one shot at being a teenager, enjoy it! Be respectful to your teachers, school administration and other students; you are in school to learn and so is everyone else. Don't waste other people's time.
Now get out there and have a great year!!!!!
I was a Junior at J.J. Pearce High School. I had just transferred back to public school after attending a small Christian private school since 6th grade. Since this was my "home" high school, I knew a few people from back when I went to elementary school with them. "Knew" is a broad term. How about, I remembered them, but I was just an unmemorable face in a sea of thousands of faces in that school. Yes, I said thousands. My school had well over 3000 students for 10th-12th grades. And if the truth be told, even my elementary school years were filled with scrutiny and bullying. I was always looked down on. So it's no wonder that when I returned to the public school environment, I was both very timid and and unmemorable.
So what does this have to do with the ladies bathroom?
At Pearce, there was a girl's room on the ground floor in the main hall kind of close to the cafeterias. It's the one you went to, if you were at the cafeterias (yes, we had TWO cafeterias in my high school). Anyway, I don't remember how many stalls were in this girl's room. Five maybe? But it was always packed with girls primping themselves in front of the mirror. I don't think girl's actually used the bathroom for what it was intended for. But I remember having to go rather badly, so I went. And I remember being afraid to pee. I remember being afraid that someone would hear me peeing and make fun of me and spread rumors about how loud I pee'd. Seriously? It's liquid hitting liquid, there is going to be some noise. But I remember how afraid I was of relieving myself in the high school public bathroom. I wanted to go through high school under the radar. I wanted to avoid the bullying of elementary school. I wanted to avoid the name calling that followed me into the Christian school. I just wanted to have a peaceful last 2 years of high school. Was that too much to ask?
As I relieved myself at Joann's, this memory came back to me and I contemplated the silliness of my thinking. I also thought about conversations I had with other students during that year or the year that followed. I remember how "in your face" people could get. I remember how important it seemed to be wearing the right clothes, the right perfume, drive the right car, and yes......the all important question, "Have you had sex with your boyfriend yet?" Navigating high school is like navigating a mine field. One wrong step, and you are toast! I thought about this, and I thought about my daughter who is about to start her Junior year in high school. That's when I decided I needed to write this blog....for all of the daughter's out there facing the mine field that is high school.
1) Everyone has to pee sometime. Seriously. It's okay to go into the bathroom at school and relieve yourself. No one is listening to you pee and judging you by how loud or quiet you are. I know it feels like you are under a microscope, but I promise you, the sound of your urination is not one of the things being considered! So, please, relieve yourself with peace of mind! It's much better than doing the potty dance!
2) The "right clothes". I grew up in the 80's. What was popular? Keds tennis shoes. Guess jeans. Coca Cola shirts. None of these (except maybe the Keds) were inexpensive, and for a girl who was coming from a house with a dad who had been unemployed for a year and a mom who was a secretary, these things were NOT in the budget! Heck, the cars we drove either had a car door that would fly open when you turned the right direction or the drivers seat was broken and had to be propped up in order to sit up straight in it. I remember, for whatever reason, my dad had given me a credit card that was in his name. He told me specifically, "This is to be used for emergency purposes only." Apparently, matching Coca Cola shirts for me and my boyfriend did not constitute an emergency. What my dad didn't understand was that every day, I went to school and felt like I was being ridiculed or left out because I didn't wear the right things. That Coca Cola shirt WAS an emergency of the utmost importance in my teenage world. With that said... even WITH that fancy shirt, I was still on the outskirts of the high school world. So what did I learn? It's not the clothes that earn you friends or make you feel included. Clothes certainly won't fix the issue so don't freakin' break the bank to buy the right kinds of stuff.
When my son, Nate, was in junior high, all he wanted to wear was named brand clothing from Hollister. That is so NOT cheap. I taught him how to shop in the sales section of his favorite name brand clothing stores. Eventually, all he ever wore was Hollister. And you know what happened. All of the kids who wore it turned on him because he started wearing it. It's crazy. High School kids march to the rhythm of their own drum, and they will change that rhythm on a whim, without notice. So stop trying to be like them, and own your own style. You will feel so much more comfortable in your own skin, if you can learn to stop following the crowd.
3) Sex. Sex seems to be a very popular conversation in high school. Who's doing it? Who are they doing it with? Yadda yadda yadda. Let's go back to my junior year at Pearce. Remember, I had just left a private Christian school. At my Christian school, we weren't even allowed to hold hands with someone we were dating much less have sex. And god forbid we talk about it. I remember once, I made the mistake of confiding to people who I thought were my friends. As it turned out, they continued that conversation with other people without me around, and in front of parents and that whole conversation got back to my mom. Not cool. So when I got to Pearce, the last thing I wanted to talk about was how intimate I was with my boyfriend (who is now my husband). I didn't know these people, and seriously, your sex life is your own private world. It is not to be talked about in school with your friends (or people you think are your friends). Anyway, in my home-ec class (cooking), I shared a table with 2 girls and 1 guy. One of the girls insisted that she was dating some college boy with his own helicopter and supposedly the sex was "out of this world". Maybe the helicopter should have been a red flag, but since my school was filled with high school kids driving brand new BMWs and Mercedes, I didn't see it as being to big of a red flag. But boy, this girl kept going on and on about the sex and getting hotel rooms with this boy. Then she would ask me repeatedly if I was having sex with my boyfriend. "You have been with him for nearly 3 years, surely you have had sex by now!" My answer was always "No, I'm still a virgin. We are waiting until we get married." My answer was a bold faced lie, but it was none of her business. What I learned that semester in school was this: The kids who are always bragging about having sex are more than likely NOT having sex and are just trying to impress people (in the wrong way). And those who ARE having sex are likely not talking about it because.. its a PRIVATE MATTER! So when you are in school and listening to your friends talk, keep that in mind. There is always going to be peer pressure to do things, and sex is one of them. If it's not coming from the person you are dating, it might come from your friends who seem to think sex is cool. Sex is not a measurement for how cool or not cool you are. Sex is something that should be shared between people who love each other. Okay, even that may be a stretch. Ideally, yes, it should be. But I also know teenagers who have made very logical, safe and sane decisions to have sex with people they were just friends with. Obviously, I am not a proponent of abstinence until marriage. However, I am a proponent of safe and sane sex. I am a proponent of "No Means NO" and always having consent before any physical touching. Sex is a grown up thing for people who are mature. Respect for yourself and for your partner is of the utmost importance. And yes, ideally, being in a long term relationship is best. "Long term" means more than 2 weeks or 2 months. But again, SAFETY FIRST, no matter when, where or with whom! Condoms ALWAYS....even on top of the the birth control pill! It's not about just preventing unwanted pregnancy.. its about preventing sexually transmitted infections. If you want/need to know more, check out Planned Parenthood (they give you free condoms and they have sex ed classes and you don't need a parent to get on the pill or be seen there.)
Oh ya.. and if you hear some boy say... "Me and this girl had sex" (or something like that) Don't believe him. For that matter, call him out on his shit! Tell him that is private and he should not be talking about it. Most likely, he is telling a lie about the girl, and that really hurts! Call him out on it! I don't know why guys think its cool to put that kind of stuff out there... well other than he wants to look all "manly" and crap. But let's face it, a real man doesn't talk about that stuff in public and certainly wouldn't talk about the girl he respects that way. So ya... call him out on it! Same thing with the girls; cause, ya, some girls like talking about that stuff too. Bottom line: Being sexually active is NOT a status symbol!
4) Drinking and Drugs. In high school BOTH of these are illegal. You will likely be invited and/or attend at least one party where these things are happening. If you do decide you want to partake of such things, please do not get behind the wheel of a car. Don't let your friends get behind the wheel of a car. Be smart! If you are going out with friends who you know will be making a choice to drink or do drugs, then please make sure you have a designated driver who will stay sober and sane and make sure everyone gets home safe. Also, your parents would rather you call them to pick you up than to have the cops call them to tell them their child is dead or has been arrested. If you are going to do stupid things, be smart about it! While we are talking about drinking and drugs, if you are at a party, hold on to your own cup and always be the one to get your own drinks. Be responsible for yourself. Don't trust anyone at the party.. not even your date. Your best bet is to avoid these kinds of parties, but if you can't or don't..just keep these things in mind. Be safe. Be sane. Stay alive.
Also..just an FYI: Boys AND Girls, if someone is drunk they are UNABLE to give consent for sexual activity. Sexual activity without consent is called RAPE. Keep that in mind. There is no excuse for ignorance.. be respectful and know the law!
5) High School is supposed to be some of your funnest years. But for so many, it is filled with anxiety. For so many, it is not a safe place. Even if technically it is safe, sometimes it doesn't feel safe for some kids. Practice kindness. Smile at a stranger; you never know, that smile might save their life. Say hello to a kid you have never met. Step outside of your comfort zone and try something new this year; you might be pleasantly surprised at the friends you make. Remember to make time to study, but also remember to make time to relax and have fun. It seems like high school has turned into this "must work to get into college" thing. This is true, college is a very important thing. But so many kids are over worked and over stressed. Remember to breathe. Remember to make time to have some fun. Go to the dances. If you don't have a date, then get a group of your friends together and go as a group of friends (those are the best kinds of dances anyway). Take silly pictures. Don't be afraid to be goofy. You only get one shot at being a teenager, enjoy it! Be respectful to your teachers, school administration and other students; you are in school to learn and so is everyone else. Don't waste other people's time.
Now get out there and have a great year!!!!!
Friday, August 12, 2016
August 12, 2016 Walking In His Steps Feeling HIs Presence
I have been doing alot of talking to Nick lately.
It started at the beginning of the week with a dream he was in. He was giving me a hug. We were so happy. I woke up with my arms wrapped around me and this very warm feeling. It was as real as it gets and it felt amazing. I woke up smiling. I know it was Nick in my dream.. it wasn't a "dream"; it was REAL and it felt amazing. That was also the day I found out that the daughter of friends of mine is in a coma after an emergency brain surgery. The young woman is a teenager and she and her parents are surrounded by a huge support system. My heart goes out to my friends and their family. I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through. However, this has me constantly talking to Nick this week.
The conversation goes something like this: "Get your ass over to Hannah and watch over her while she fights to come out of that coma!" "Make sure you are there with her as her body heals. I don't know where the consciousness goes or experiences while in a coma, but make sure you are there with her to help her laugh and feel strong."
No, Nick did not know Hannah. And truthfully I think I may have only met Hannah once. But I know Nick is always around and I know he would want to be there for her.
Anyway, I have been feeling Nick close by. For a week (at least) my Florida Tech Mom tshirt has been calling to me but I have not wanted to wear it. Today I gave in. I have worn it many times since I bought it when Nick was killed. But today when I took it off the hanger and slid it over my skin, I felt a warm hug. It was Nick again. He wanted me to feel his hug again.
Truthfully, there has been much going on in this house this week. Alot of it is emotional.. Healing, talking. connecting, loving. I guess its not all that surprising that Nick has been around for this. Today, I decided to take a couple of walks around a couple of parks to do some Pokemon hunting. But truthfully, Pokemon hunting was just an "excuse" to visit a couple of the parks I went to. These parks have memories of Nick....especially Kathryn Albertson Park.
As I walked around the park, I kept feeling and hearing Nick talking to me. I felt his presence. I sat on a bench where we all sat for photos after his wedding. I walked on the same paths and bridges. He was there. I was walking along looking at my phone for Pokemon and he said, "Look up" and I did. And right there in the middle of the day was no one but 3 deer. A mom with 2 of her babies. They were so close to me. So beautiful and peaceful. Mom was very watchful making sure I didn't get near her babies. I thanked Nick as I witnessed such grace and innocence.
It was a beautiful day to walk through these parks and remember my son. They are beautiful memories. No tears were shed, but Nick was calling out to me. All the while, I kept telling him to go back to Hannah and watch after her.
My thoughts have been with Hannah's parents. My thoughts have been with my friend who just moved back to Dallas and is helping his parents; he lost his brother (his parents lost a son) several years ago, but his mom has lost all joy and is struggling. My thoughts have been with her. It's so hard to lose a child and continue to find joy in life. It is so hard to out live your children. It's hard to leave a place that has memories of that child. When you lose the physical child, you tend to hold on tightly to those memories of that child....not just the memories, but the places, the people attached to your child..anything and anyone who keeps you connected to that child after that child is physically gone. This is something I don't want my friends, Hannah's parents, to have to feel or know. C'mon, Hannah, keep on fighting, come back to your family!
Remember at the beginning of the year, I said I was not going to dye my hair so that I could see how much grey is in my hair now? Well today as I took pictures at the park, its not really the gray that I see, but grief I see on my face. Even though I may be smiling, I see how grief has aged me. I am not saying this to cut myself down. It is just a reality, and one that I set out to accept this year. I am not the sum of my experiences, but my experiences did help shape me, and that includes the death of my son. It has changed me. I will not be the same person I used to be. But I can be the best me that I am now (whatever that is). Which, I guess, is why I am learning to accept my gray hair; it is why I am in the gym working on getting healthy again. My family, the way it is now, is most important. As Nate told me this week, you can't live in the past; you got to live in this moment. I raised a wise young man!
It started at the beginning of the week with a dream he was in. He was giving me a hug. We were so happy. I woke up with my arms wrapped around me and this very warm feeling. It was as real as it gets and it felt amazing. I woke up smiling. I know it was Nick in my dream.. it wasn't a "dream"; it was REAL and it felt amazing. That was also the day I found out that the daughter of friends of mine is in a coma after an emergency brain surgery. The young woman is a teenager and she and her parents are surrounded by a huge support system. My heart goes out to my friends and their family. I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through. However, this has me constantly talking to Nick this week.
The conversation goes something like this: "Get your ass over to Hannah and watch over her while she fights to come out of that coma!" "Make sure you are there with her as her body heals. I don't know where the consciousness goes or experiences while in a coma, but make sure you are there with her to help her laugh and feel strong."
No, Nick did not know Hannah. And truthfully I think I may have only met Hannah once. But I know Nick is always around and I know he would want to be there for her.
Anyway, I have been feeling Nick close by. For a week (at least) my Florida Tech Mom tshirt has been calling to me but I have not wanted to wear it. Today I gave in. I have worn it many times since I bought it when Nick was killed. But today when I took it off the hanger and slid it over my skin, I felt a warm hug. It was Nick again. He wanted me to feel his hug again.
My thoughts have been with Hannah's parents. My thoughts have been with my friend who just moved back to Dallas and is helping his parents; he lost his brother (his parents lost a son) several years ago, but his mom has lost all joy and is struggling. My thoughts have been with her. It's so hard to lose a child and continue to find joy in life. It is so hard to out live your children. It's hard to leave a place that has memories of that child. When you lose the physical child, you tend to hold on tightly to those memories of that child....not just the memories, but the places, the people attached to your child..anything and anyone who keeps you connected to that child after that child is physically gone. This is something I don't want my friends, Hannah's parents, to have to feel or know. C'mon, Hannah, keep on fighting, come back to your family!
Remember at the beginning of the year, I said I was not going to dye my hair so that I could see how much grey is in my hair now? Well today as I took pictures at the park, its not really the gray that I see, but grief I see on my face. Even though I may be smiling, I see how grief has aged me. I am not saying this to cut myself down. It is just a reality, and one that I set out to accept this year. I am not the sum of my experiences, but my experiences did help shape me, and that includes the death of my son. It has changed me. I will not be the same person I used to be. But I can be the best me that I am now (whatever that is). Which, I guess, is why I am learning to accept my gray hair; it is why I am in the gym working on getting healthy again. My family, the way it is now, is most important. As Nate told me this week, you can't live in the past; you got to live in this moment. I raised a wise young man!
Monday, August 8, 2016
August 8, 2016 It's 2:11am... and I'm Awake
My mind is racing all over the place and I'm not asleep. Well, okay, it's not racing anymore. Now I think I can sleep, but I feel heavy with so much on my mind. I am hoping I can just "brain dump" stuff in this blog and I will feel better. So be prepared for none of this to make any sense!
I have had lots of my mind in the last month or so.
1) Jared and Breezy gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Tyson. They call us grandparents. We love Breezy and Jared like they are our own children. And yes, we love Tyson as if he was our biological grandbaby. Family is what we make it.. not always what we are born into. I believe that whole heartedly. And, yes, there is a "but". My "but" has nothing to do with our relationship with Breezy, Jared and Tyson as much as the bittersweet feeling of loving Tyson and knowing we were a year and a half (maybe) from having a grandbaby from Nick and Suzy before Nick was killed. I wish we had a piece of Nick with us still. But I also understand how complicated that would be now.....which brings me to another thought in my head.
2) I miss Nick terribly. I know I do my best to smile, laugh, love and move on. But it doesn't change the fact that I miss my son. It doesnt' change the fact that I miss my family the way it was before Nick was killed.
3) The family the way it was....I still have pictures on my fridge of Nick and Suzy. I still have pictures on my fridge of me and Suzy. I still have pictures on the wall of Suzy and Omi. I see them, and I feel sad. I honestly don't know what to do or what to think when it comes to Suzy. I have talked to my friends who lost spouses and asked them if they still have contact and relationships with their previous inlaws. They don't . Everyone has moved on. Suzy doesn't not reply or acknowledge any of my posts on facebook (as far as I can tell, she has unfollowed me or just actively ignores my posts..which is fine I guess). She "likes" or "responds" to things on Tracy's facebook. We have invited her to things here at the house since she has moved out, but she has not come. I still see her posts. I still go to her wall to catch up with what is going on in her life. I worry about her. I see her posts that seem to be increasingly sad. But, to be honest, I feel completely rejected by her. And yes, maybe being close to our family is too much for her. I'm sure she misses Nick. And honestly, I don't know what to expect or anything like that. We just went on family vacation with out her. It felt weird. But our previous family vacations, we took her and Nick and we paid for their trip. But now she is with Tom. That changes the dynamic. I see Tom's mom post about seeing Suzy and Tom and saying she loves them...and I feel like the outsider. (Because I am.) Tracy tells me he is having lunch with Suzy...he is worried about her. I'm glad she responds to him. I worry about her. I love her. Honestly, I am just tired of being rejected..it hurts too much. I lost Nick...and Suzy.
(I know none of this is news to anyone reading this..sorry)
4) Friends moving away......making new friends....friends busy with life..... Like I said earlier in this blog.. family is what we make.. not always what we are born into. My friends are my family, so when they move away, it leaves a bit of a mark. Even the ones who live in Washington, when they move further away, it leaves a mark. When the ones who live here in Boise move away, it leaves a mark. Then other friends who are here get involved with new loves and new interests and we dont' get to see each other as much as we would like. And I find myself looking around. These are people who were there for me when I needed them the most. And now they are moving....or are busy with life and here I am still with this aching heart (that really no one can fix.. no one is going to bring back Nick.) Yet, in the midst of all of this, new friends come into my life and I am enjoying getting to know them. They didn't know me "before" so there is no comparison for them to make in the way I was before and the way that I am now. They get to know me the way that I am now.. which to me feels quite a bit different.....which brings me to the next item...
5) I know we should not focus on the past because we lose sight of what is right inf ront of us. But I look back at pictures from before Nick was killed.. before my life got turned inside out. I was so happy. My smile was easy. There was a twinkle in my eye. My body was strong. I was kicking ass and taking names. I have friends who have lost siblings and they tell me their moms have changed.. either refuse to find joy in life or just in general change. I refuse to let grief consume me. There is joy in every day and I experience it. I seek it out when I don't feel it. I make a point of finding a reason to smile. I like to make people smile. I like to celebrate life. But there is this deep deep feeling that is always there...like something is missing (because some ONE is missing). life is different, and I wonder sometimes "Will people love the broken me as much as they loved the whole me?" I guess I feel broken. That is the first time I have actually "said" that. I guess now that I have acknowledged it.... maybe it will start to mend and heal? That may also just be a rhetorical question. I know I have friends who love me...before and after. But sometimes I feel like I have to hide my grief or not talk about it...because if I talk about it, it makes people uncomfortable. It's not pretty, and people like "pretty". They like "convenient". They don't like messy. They have their own issues; they don't need mine too.
6) Then there is my family.....Nate, Naomi and Tracy. Am I doing right by them? Am I doing right by Nate? Does he feel validated? Does he feel heard? Does he feel loved? Does he feel scared? He must have feelings about losing his brother, but he doesn't talk about them. What about Naomi? I know she is scared of losing Nate. She cries because he smokes.. afraid that he will dies becuase he smoke and gets mad cause she feels like Nate doesn't care. She adores Nate. Will she be able to find the right person in her life who will be able to handle her grief and everything that comes with it? Do I dote on her too much in an effort to make up for Nick being gone. Does she feel heard? What about Tracy? He works so much. We spend one on one time together almost every night in teh hot tub.. jsut relaxing and talking. We have survived thus far. We love each other. We have no real issues in our marriage, so why borrow them? But I would be lieing if I said that I worry that losing a child might one day tear us apart. I have seen it happen.....and I just keep praying that we will stick together through this. WE are different people now. We have been through growth spurts before.. where one grows faster than the other, and we have managed to wait for the other to catch up. We can make it through grief together. But do I support him enough? Do I offer him a safe place to grieve for real?
7) My own health. I used to be healthy... physically. I had full function of my brain. My vision needed glasses, but I could see properly. My legs carried me long distances over mountains and peddled long distances on my bike. I had balance and getting off of the floor was easy. I was the healthiest I have ever been. And now.. I feel as though I am almost the most unhealthy I have ever been.. even though I have not reached my max weight. My knee hurts. I feel much older than I am chronologically. My brain gets easily over whelmed. I am working on this. I start with a trainer tomorrow. I should really be sleeping right now so that training session won't be with me half asleep. LOL. I will get back to being healthy again. This is only a temporary situation. It sucks that it has caused me to cancel a big event I was looking forward to, but it is necessary in order to me to get healthy and be around for my family for a very long time. And I did just go roller skating tonight, which was fun.
I know I sound depressed. I am not depressed. I just have alot going through my head. It's been going through my head for a while, and I guess it just needed to be expressed, and I don't talk to people about all of this (for reasons stated above). Every day I try to focus on things to be grateful for because I do believe gratitude is a huge part of a happy life. I look for ways to incorporate fun and laughter into my life because it is the best medicine. I look for ways to be creative because it is healing and inspiring. I look for ways to keep growing because someone once told me if you are not growing you are dying.
I don't know what the answers are.. and I may not be looking for them. This is just me doing a brain dump hoping it will help me sleep. And if any of you see Suzy, please give her a hug for me. Thanks.
I have had lots of my mind in the last month or so.
1) Jared and Breezy gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Tyson. They call us grandparents. We love Breezy and Jared like they are our own children. And yes, we love Tyson as if he was our biological grandbaby. Family is what we make it.. not always what we are born into. I believe that whole heartedly. And, yes, there is a "but". My "but" has nothing to do with our relationship with Breezy, Jared and Tyson as much as the bittersweet feeling of loving Tyson and knowing we were a year and a half (maybe) from having a grandbaby from Nick and Suzy before Nick was killed. I wish we had a piece of Nick with us still. But I also understand how complicated that would be now.....which brings me to another thought in my head.
2) I miss Nick terribly. I know I do my best to smile, laugh, love and move on. But it doesn't change the fact that I miss my son. It doesnt' change the fact that I miss my family the way it was before Nick was killed.
3) The family the way it was....I still have pictures on my fridge of Nick and Suzy. I still have pictures on my fridge of me and Suzy. I still have pictures on the wall of Suzy and Omi. I see them, and I feel sad. I honestly don't know what to do or what to think when it comes to Suzy. I have talked to my friends who lost spouses and asked them if they still have contact and relationships with their previous inlaws. They don't . Everyone has moved on. Suzy doesn't not reply or acknowledge any of my posts on facebook (as far as I can tell, she has unfollowed me or just actively ignores my posts..which is fine I guess). She "likes" or "responds" to things on Tracy's facebook. We have invited her to things here at the house since she has moved out, but she has not come. I still see her posts. I still go to her wall to catch up with what is going on in her life. I worry about her. I see her posts that seem to be increasingly sad. But, to be honest, I feel completely rejected by her. And yes, maybe being close to our family is too much for her. I'm sure she misses Nick. And honestly, I don't know what to expect or anything like that. We just went on family vacation with out her. It felt weird. But our previous family vacations, we took her and Nick and we paid for their trip. But now she is with Tom. That changes the dynamic. I see Tom's mom post about seeing Suzy and Tom and saying she loves them...and I feel like the outsider. (Because I am.) Tracy tells me he is having lunch with Suzy...he is worried about her. I'm glad she responds to him. I worry about her. I love her. Honestly, I am just tired of being rejected..it hurts too much. I lost Nick...and Suzy.
(I know none of this is news to anyone reading this..sorry)
4) Friends moving away......making new friends....friends busy with life..... Like I said earlier in this blog.. family is what we make.. not always what we are born into. My friends are my family, so when they move away, it leaves a bit of a mark. Even the ones who live in Washington, when they move further away, it leaves a mark. When the ones who live here in Boise move away, it leaves a mark. Then other friends who are here get involved with new loves and new interests and we dont' get to see each other as much as we would like. And I find myself looking around. These are people who were there for me when I needed them the most. And now they are moving....or are busy with life and here I am still with this aching heart (that really no one can fix.. no one is going to bring back Nick.) Yet, in the midst of all of this, new friends come into my life and I am enjoying getting to know them. They didn't know me "before" so there is no comparison for them to make in the way I was before and the way that I am now. They get to know me the way that I am now.. which to me feels quite a bit different.....which brings me to the next item...
5) I know we should not focus on the past because we lose sight of what is right inf ront of us. But I look back at pictures from before Nick was killed.. before my life got turned inside out. I was so happy. My smile was easy. There was a twinkle in my eye. My body was strong. I was kicking ass and taking names. I have friends who have lost siblings and they tell me their moms have changed.. either refuse to find joy in life or just in general change. I refuse to let grief consume me. There is joy in every day and I experience it. I seek it out when I don't feel it. I make a point of finding a reason to smile. I like to make people smile. I like to celebrate life. But there is this deep deep feeling that is always there...like something is missing (because some ONE is missing). life is different, and I wonder sometimes "Will people love the broken me as much as they loved the whole me?" I guess I feel broken. That is the first time I have actually "said" that. I guess now that I have acknowledged it.... maybe it will start to mend and heal? That may also just be a rhetorical question. I know I have friends who love me...before and after. But sometimes I feel like I have to hide my grief or not talk about it...because if I talk about it, it makes people uncomfortable. It's not pretty, and people like "pretty". They like "convenient". They don't like messy. They have their own issues; they don't need mine too.
6) Then there is my family.....Nate, Naomi and Tracy. Am I doing right by them? Am I doing right by Nate? Does he feel validated? Does he feel heard? Does he feel loved? Does he feel scared? He must have feelings about losing his brother, but he doesn't talk about them. What about Naomi? I know she is scared of losing Nate. She cries because he smokes.. afraid that he will dies becuase he smoke and gets mad cause she feels like Nate doesn't care. She adores Nate. Will she be able to find the right person in her life who will be able to handle her grief and everything that comes with it? Do I dote on her too much in an effort to make up for Nick being gone. Does she feel heard? What about Tracy? He works so much. We spend one on one time together almost every night in teh hot tub.. jsut relaxing and talking. We have survived thus far. We love each other. We have no real issues in our marriage, so why borrow them? But I would be lieing if I said that I worry that losing a child might one day tear us apart. I have seen it happen.....and I just keep praying that we will stick together through this. WE are different people now. We have been through growth spurts before.. where one grows faster than the other, and we have managed to wait for the other to catch up. We can make it through grief together. But do I support him enough? Do I offer him a safe place to grieve for real?
7) My own health. I used to be healthy... physically. I had full function of my brain. My vision needed glasses, but I could see properly. My legs carried me long distances over mountains and peddled long distances on my bike. I had balance and getting off of the floor was easy. I was the healthiest I have ever been. And now.. I feel as though I am almost the most unhealthy I have ever been.. even though I have not reached my max weight. My knee hurts. I feel much older than I am chronologically. My brain gets easily over whelmed. I am working on this. I start with a trainer tomorrow. I should really be sleeping right now so that training session won't be with me half asleep. LOL. I will get back to being healthy again. This is only a temporary situation. It sucks that it has caused me to cancel a big event I was looking forward to, but it is necessary in order to me to get healthy and be around for my family for a very long time. And I did just go roller skating tonight, which was fun.
I know I sound depressed. I am not depressed. I just have alot going through my head. It's been going through my head for a while, and I guess it just needed to be expressed, and I don't talk to people about all of this (for reasons stated above). Every day I try to focus on things to be grateful for because I do believe gratitude is a huge part of a happy life. I look for ways to incorporate fun and laughter into my life because it is the best medicine. I look for ways to be creative because it is healing and inspiring. I look for ways to keep growing because someone once told me if you are not growing you are dying.
I don't know what the answers are.. and I may not be looking for them. This is just me doing a brain dump hoping it will help me sleep. And if any of you see Suzy, please give her a hug for me. Thanks.
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