This is gonna be another one of those posts that is kind of all over the place.
Kennel training update: Bubs is going into his kennel willinglly to just chill and rest...with is door open. This is HUGE progress. I still can't tell him to "go to bed" and have him to go his kennel, but at least he is finding it to be a comfy safe place. He is no longer howling when we put him in it and leave the house. And last night, he only whined for about 5 minutes before settling down adn going to sleep through the night and didn't even wake me up before 7 and didn't even whine after I was up and moving around. He just waited patiently for me to get dressed to take him out. WINNING!
My hopes for peaceful sleep last night did not work out so well. Yes, the dog let me sleep, but my unconscious decided it wanted to grieve while I slept. I had horrible dreams of going to events with church friends and ending up ugly crying in public. Then someone saying something insensitive to me, and I lost it and I ran out of the restaurant/bar we were in and ran down the street crying and sobbing at the top of my lungs and came crashing down holding a light pole while sitting on the ground and sobbing uncontrollably and people just passing me by. It was pretty harsh. But I realize its my unconscious grieving......so I woke up and sat in the sadness and just felt it before I rolled out of bed. And Suzy and I talked about it this morning. *sigh*
We did manage to get through the probate lawyer without them saying "happy thanksgiving" to us again today... maybe they heard my rather loud remarks after I left their office yesterday. *laugh* I wasn't trying to be passive aggressive..I'm just loud.
The other thing.... the way people look at us. When they hear that Nick is dead. We get "that" look. Suzy says the look is different based on the words she uses.. "Nick passed away" gets a gentler to handle look than "Nick was killed". I find that interesting and odd a lat the same time. What I do know is that it is awkward for everyone.....
That awkwardness brings up the other subject of Thanksgiving. Before Nick's accident, they had plans to spend it with friends from Nick's school. I guess that has not been brought up again since Nick's accident. One of my best friends from Florida from years ago has invited us over..she only just met Suzy last weekend at the garage sale, but she knew Nick when he was a baby...until we moved out of here when Nick was 6 years old. Suzy and I have gone rounds about what to do..... go out to dinner and a movie (if so WHERE do we go out?). Go to Nan's house. Maybe go to Epcot. But the idea of spending money (Especially Epcot) seems a bit unwise...but at the same time I think doing something completely unrelated to Thanksgiving and just having fun would be good for us. Either way, I was leaving this decision up to Suzy. Whatever we do, I want her to feel comfortable. So, its been decided that we are going to Nan's house.. Suzy says it feels more personal and that is what she wants. I know there will be laughter there.
The other thing I am having a hard time wrapping my head around.... the number of children I have. How do I say that. How do I wrap my head around the face that I now only have 1 son instead of 2. I have been screwing up family head count ever since Nick was killed. So badly that when we bought tickets to fly out here, I totally missed one and Omi almost didn't make it out here. In my heart there is a hole.
Then there are things I think about that Nick will not be there for or that he is missing that I really wanted him to be part of. I wanted him too see the Add The Words Documentary that I am in; he was so proud of me for getting arrested for standing up for civil rights. I always expected him to be the one to lead the crazy dancing at my own memorial service and to speak at my service. I always expected him to be the one to take care of the family. I never told him any of this, but he is the one I thought would be there to take care of us when time came. I know Nate and Omi would be there too, but I always just expected it to be Nick...maybe because he is the oldest.
I find myself wanting to wrap up my children in bubble wrap and make sure they are safe. I want to call them all the time and tell them how much I love them. I want to be with them. And god forbid they move away from me. How the hell do I let my 2 kids move away from us now? I don't think they realize they are stuck with us for ever now.
I won't be home in Idaho until just before Christmas.. but how do I hang Christmas stockings without one for Nick? How do I wrap my head around the fact that my boy is gone? *sigh*
But on the good news front... we are kicking ass and taking names on the house clearing front. (Though I'm pretty certain the trash man will hate us.) My brother will be here this weekend to take back the pieces of furniture that need to go to Texas. I still haven't found the "Saathoff Family Spoon", but I promise, I am going through EVERY DRAWER and EVERY SHELF looking. This is literally the needle in the haystack scenario.
Well time to wipe the tears and get back to work.. lots to do....
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