I Threw My Baby Away.....

Or at least that is what it felt like.

Suzy and I packed up Nick's stuff yesterday.  I have been trying to give her space to grieve and move at her own pace. I don't want to interfere with private moments, but I also want to be available if she needs me.    I can only imagine the kind of pain she is in.  So yesterday, she asked me to help pack up Nick's dragon collection.

Nick LOVED dragons, and he had quite the collection.  So we found a plastic tub and wrapped the "you know what" out of those dragons to make sure they stayed safe.  It was hard, but it gave me some kind of pleasure to care of the things that were so important to him.  And I enjoyed the time with them, touching them, remembering how they came into his possession and hearing stories of ones I had not seen before or didn't realize the story about.

Once the dragons were packed, we started on his books. Nick LOVED books. He loved learning.  He loved collecting antique books.  And he also had quite the collection of text books.  He is much like his Daddy.  He just couldn't part with his school books.

Once the books in the shelves were packed, we moved on to the end table where Nick held his most current semester's books and notebooks.  The books were easy to pack.  But then we came to his notebooks.  Suzy opened each one and I saw his handwriting. I longed to touch the papers, to run  my fingers over his handwriting.  We discussed what to do with all of this. Nick didn't throw anything away, and it was really only his current semester's worth of work anyway, but there was ALOT of it.

A friend of ours had talked about the options of dealing with things.  He was in reference to Tracy filling out insurance paperwork for the coming year.  It was tearing Tracy apart to not add Nick on the insurance.  Our friend suggested "ripping the band aid off" and doing it now instead of having to revisit the situation.  So we discussed this possibility in dealing with Nick's homework papers.  Once we retrieved anything remotely related to his Lightning Study, we were still faced with a huge pile of homework folders.  Do we rip the band aid off or pack up papers that were "useless" and incomprehensible to so and carry it across country only to have to go through them again later and go through this pain again (possibly).  We decided on the band aid approach.

I grabbed a hand full of notebooks. Suzy grabbed a hand full and we started walking to the garbage bins outside.  I held these notebooks in one arm kind of on my hip the way I would have carried Nick when he was a baby. The weight was about the same... or at least enough to stir those emotions and memories.  I caressed the notebooks, and I told them that I loved them, like I had been telling my son that I loved him.  Then we opened up the trash bins, and placed the notebooks on top of the trash.  We closed the bins and started to walk into the house.  Suzy said, "I wish we had a bon fire."  And I was doing my best to hold back tears.  I seriously felt like I had just thrown my baby in the trash!

We came inside to make dinner.  We stood in the kitchen. Both of us looking lost.  I asked Suzy for a hug and we stood there holding each other for a very long time and we cried.  We both felt as though we had just thrown our boy in the trash.  It was so damn heart breaking.  This whole "band aid method" was a seriously bad idea.  I held Suzy and as I started to let go, she grabbed me tighter and we continued to cry and I told her that I would stand here and hold her as long as she needed me to.  I told her I would likely hold on to her for a very long time and maybe even too tight at times and she will likely have to tell me to let go and let  her breathe (metaphorically).  I expressed my concern of holding onto her as a means of holding onto my son.  She understood.  The last thing I want to do is make her uncomfortable and we talked about that.  We talk about alot of things.  All the while I am still holding her.  Then it hit her. She used to stand in that same position with Nick right there in that kitchen while making dinner, and she sobbed again.

Then it dawned on me.  I am Nick's mom, the woman who gave birth to him.  She is Nick's wife, the woman who  loved and cherished him when he was no longer my little baby.  The two women who loved him most in this world are the ones going through  his things and letting him go in very personal ways.  I am grateful for the honor to be part of this with Suzy.  She could have had anyone she wanted here, but I get to be the one to help her.  And I am grateful for that.

But we still felt like we had thrown Nick out. I could hear Nick talking to me.  "Really, mom?"  I knew he wasn't happy.  I talked to Tracy and asked him about it.  In the end, it was decided that we would resurrect Nick from the trash and bring his work home to be burned in the bon fire at his Boise memorial.  It will be sent back to Nick which is what he would have wanted, and it is exactly what the family in friends in Boise will need to help release and bring closure.  Once that decision was made, Nick stopped yelling at me and Suzy and I felt peace.  We were able to sit and visit the rest of the night and just talk about things.

Being able to sit here and talk to Suzy about the dreams they shared and be here for her when she cries is so important to me.  I love that girl so much.

As of today, by the time she went to work, she has pretty much emptied out her "TV room" and got some amazing progress in packing and cleaning.

It's a long road to recovery for all of us, but its getting there... breath by breath.