It's been 2 weeks.....

It's been 2 weeks since my son, Nick, was killed in a motorcycle accident.    I have not journaled on paper at all.  And most of my thoughts end up on Facebook in bits and pieces in posts or in the updates for his fundraising page, but none of them have really been all that deep or all of that...well I don't know... overwhelmingly sad.

I do try very hard to find the positive things to be grateful for.  I do have amazing friends and even friends of friends (which are complete strangers to me) sending much needed love and financial support to my family.  It's humbling.  Suzy and Nick had some amazing friends who are helping us out here in the Florida house as we empty and close it out.  I have some amazing friends feeding my family in Idaho.  We have lots of love surrounding us.  There have been times of crazy laughter.  And then times of crazy sadness. There are times when everything is normal and I am going about my daily business when all of a sudden it sneaks up on me and I'm a crying mess in public.  It is what it is.  There are no rule books on how to mourn the loss of your son who was tragically taken from you by a horrible horrible vehicle accident.  (Okay, maybe there are books on it... I haven't looked yet.)

I feel like I need a "Captains Journal" to log all of the craziness of this Florida trip.  What would I name is though?  "Grieving Mother's Journal, Nov 25, 2014.  Day 1..."  That doesn't really seem right.  I'm grieving but most of the time, you would never really know that.  "Mean Doggy Step Mom's Journal...."  I don't think I'm all that mean and this dog gets as much love as my own dog, just needs some training (which of course, he may think is mean.)  "Circus Ring Leaders Journal"  but that doesn't quite fit anyone more when its just Suzy and I (except for the Crazies of Florida).  I just don't know what I would call it.  It's a mixture of all of that.

Last night, was the first night I made Bubs (my mom's poodle) sleep in his kennel.  On top of mourning my son, helping my daughter in love through all of this, and clearing out my mom's house, I have been kennel training my mom's poodle.   He is NOT a puppy and is very spoiled and used to ruling the roost around here.  When I was here for 5 weeks last year, I had him kennel trained, so some of it is coming back pretty naturally. But other parts like sleeping in his kennel, well he is not very happy about that.  I thought I would try to let him sleep with me (since that is what my Mom would do), until he decided to pee on the floor in the bedroom. That is unacceptable behavior for so many reasons: 1)  He will be living my new house with my new floors  2)  It is a slipping hazard for my mom  3)  Its just plain gross!   The problem is, putting him in the kennel to sleep, he wails and cries miserably and no one gets any sleep.  So we went to the store to buy a collar to stop baring and crying; the trainer said he is only doing that cause of anxiety and the zap collar would make it worse.  So we walked out of there, with a thundershirt, some calming edibles that have melatonin in them and went to the store to buy lavender scented plug ins to put beside his kennel.

I threw mom's throw blankets (ones he cuddles up with during the day) into his kennel, and put him in there and hoped for the best. Instantaneously  he cried. OMG..he cried.  I turned up some soothing music on Pandora hoping that would help. Nope.  He cried.  I kept talking to him.  He cried. OMG.  I didn't think he would ever stop!  Finally he did. And he even slept trough the thunder storm (which my dog would not do).  So....we will keep up with this regimen and hopefully by the time we leave, Bubs will be completely kennel trained.  Hopefuly by the time we get to Idaho, my kennel trained Shane will have my mom trained.  And when we all get there together, live will be peaceful.

As soon as I woke up this morning, I saw a post from my daughter on Facebook.  It was a poem she had written about her feelings about losing her brother.   She writes amazing poetry.....

**********************
That Pain is Now Upon Us
-Naomi Spiva

You know the feeling of loss
When your heart drops
The feeling of your chest caving in
Its a dreadful feeling
Imagine being so enlightened and content to having a massive pit in your stomach
Then the pit turns into a ravedge animal eating and clawing its way out
That all happened to me
Now I wake up from panic attacks
I wake up with my head being pounded in with nails
With my ribs being crushed under the pressure from sorrow
My breaths go faint, they're barely there
My stomach is being torn to shreds
My heart is being stabbed
Death had taken away a part of my life
He has stolen my happiness once more and made everything worse
Depression is a hungry bear stalking its prey
And there is no where for me to hide
The bear stomps on me with full force pinning me into the dirt
It's teeth is the anxiety that burried into me tearing me from limb to limb
It is truly astonishing how bad news can make this feeling reappear
How news can make you go from cloud 9 to a thousand miles under
Loss and grief are so powerful they can make the wealthy go broke
The tragic feelings can make you go from fit to an overweight alcoholic
They say when someone dies theyre no longer in pain, it's true
The pain is no longer with them
The pain is now upon us as we go through the journey of life without them

*******************************

It makes me incredibly sad that I am not there with my little girl during this time.  I'm sad that I am not with my husband or my son Nate.  But I know I need to be here with Suzy.  She is my daughter and will always be my daughter and as her momma in love/law I would never be able to let her go through this alone.  So today as I walked the dog and now as I write this post, my heart is torn in two.  Not only am I missing my son who was killed so tragically, I am missing my family in Idaho, terribly.  I know I only have 2 1/2 more weeks here, but its hard.  

Speaking of the way I talk about my son's death. I have family members who will/can not say that Nick is dead.  I get it.  It's hard to deal with.  But I have to keep saying.  Suzy says "he passed away".  But to me, he was killed.  He wasn't sick.  He was vital and lived life large. He had the world ahead of him.  He had amazing friends. He touched hundreds of lives. He leaves behind him an incredible scientific legacy...at the young age of 25.  He didn't just "pass away".  He didn't just "go away".  He was TAKEN from  me. He was KILLED.    And it completely sucks to no end!  There is no amount of money from a settlement or a fundraiser that will make this pain go away. There is no amount of food that will bury my pain.  There is no amount of alcohol that will make it disappear.  There is no amount of pot that will kill this memory (not that I have smoked any).  There is no amount of amazing (or even bad) sex that will make me forget (not that I have had any of that, either).  There is only time....and its only been 2 weeks.  I think I have done a remarkable job of keeping my shit together....but right now in this moment.. I am raw and hurting.

There are moments when I get so mad at people around Suzy.  She tells me stories about how people talk to her or about her and all I wanna do is shove my am down their throats and rip their hearts out.  Don't mess with my cubs, or this momma bear will come after you.. and I don't care who you are.  So here's the deal, people, if you are reading this post.  STOP asking her if she and when she is going to go back to college now.  Life as she knows it has completely been rolled end over end, and it will continue to do so for god knows how long.  Unless you have lost your husband, you have no clue what she is feeling.  Hell, *I* don't know what she is feeling.  I can only imagine the kind of pain she must be feeling at the loss of the love of  her life.  But what I do know is, now is NOT the time to be asking her about when and if she is going back to college!  Even if she registered now for Spring semester, do you really think her loss would be at bay enough to make decent grades?  Seriously?  Give her a fucking break!  Give her time to grieve. Right now she is busy with day to day stuff like trying to figure out how to take care of bills, how to afford moving, transferring bank accounts, packing, and sorting and just trying to figure out how to get by breath by breath.  The last thing she needs is to have people hounding her about what she plans to do about her long term future.  There will be time for that.  But right now, she needs the time to just be and heal.  Besides, she is MOVING back to Idaho, which means she needs at least a year to establish residency again. So back the fuck off and give her some room.  Think and use compassion before you speak to her. 

I didn't think I knew how to "burry" my son.  I didnt' think I knew how to have a memorial for my son.  Gratefully, I didn't have to really plan the memorial, his friends at school did that, but I did manage to speak. Yet, I can not manage to go back and read what I wrote or watch the video of the service.  I do remember speaking from my heart... a message that was given to me for 3 days before his memorial.  It HAD to be said.  It's what Nick wanted. But....the point is.  I didn't think I knew how to do it.  But I did it.  And today as I was walking the dog, I thought, I don't know how to go on living with this kind of pain....with this kind of hole in my heart and in my life.  I know I must and I know I will.  I just don't know how.  But like anything else in life, where there is a will, there is a way.  And that way will be provided in a minute by minute, breath by breath  journey.  

I apologize, but I don't want to apologize. I didn't want to be the person who wore my pain so publicly on Facebook...which is why I guess I am writing this very long post here in my journal and then posting it on Facebook. I don't often have posts that generate LOTS of readers.. so I guess I feel this is safe to just let it all hang out there.

I cried... which I guess I needed.  I guess I needed to just allow myself to feel for a moment....before I tackle the business at hand (clearing out the house).  Thanks for "listening".