Yesterday, here in Florida, Suzy and I had an invitation to go to one of my best friends from Florida's home for dinner. But we just couldn't pull ourselves together enough to be around people. Even though I know she is one of the people who would totally understand our grief, we just couldn't stomach the thought of being around people. Instead we went to Golden Corral with the rest of Palm Bay, Florida. OMG, the lines! We got there just in time! Then went for a walk on the beach and I showed Suzy a place she had never been before (one of my most favorite places around here...and where Nick was first put on a surf board when he was 1 year old). It was a beautiful day to be on the beach...me with sweet memories, Suzy a chance to get out to the water and explore something new and learn something new about Nick. Then we went to see the Hunger Game movie that is out now. Of course, we smuggled in rum every where we went.. genius idea! For a very painful day, it was a good day.
Today I woke up with a list of things to do, but first I really needed to get my mom's car taken care of. It needed an oil change before the road trip and just in the last couple of days the brakes were starting to make noise. I asked suzy where to take it, but when it came down to it, I decided I needed to feel closer to Nick today. He used to work for Sears in the Automotive Department. He was recently laid off cause they wanted to be able to give their full time employees more pay/benefits. Nick totally respected that decision, and his coworkers wrote amazing things on his wall. Including Matt, his friend and Sherri his "shop mom". So today as a way of feeling closer to Nick and knowing that these people who loved him would care for me and his car like it was their own car and mom, and being able to give them a chance to say goodbye in their way (since they had to work during the memorial) I went to Sears. I was crying checking in as I met Sherri, his shop mom. She is so dang sweet and loved my boy. And she made sure that Matt worked on my car who take very good care of it. And both gave me hugs and well wishes and told me how much they loved my boy. They were nice enough to take pictures with me. I was able to take pictures of the place Nick learned how to work on cars and learned a passion for mechanics. I watched through the service window and imagined him working there and getting into arguments there (which I know he did). It made me feel closer to him.....and when it came time to leave.. I just didn't want to. I wanted to stay in the parking lot forever....I wanted to some how make my boy come back to life. I wanted him there so desperately. I sat in the car and cried for a while. Grateful to the people who loved him. Grateful for his life. Grateful for the way in which he touched other people.
Every once in a while things hit me like a punch to the gut. Today, while driving in the car, I heard a commercial for Wuestoff Hospital. This is where Nate (my 2nd boy) was born. And it hit me. Here in Florida, I have given birth to a child and I have had to say goodbye to a child. The storyteller in me said.. "Book Ends of Life."
There was something else while driving home that punched me in the gut, but I can't remember what it was. Lots of things punch me in the gut.....and I'm sure they will for quite some time.
Right now, I just really miss my boy. And I wish on soooo many things that he would just walk through that front door right now. At the same time, I am so very grateful for the family vacations we took together.. more specifically, the one 3 years ago to Texas to see his grandparents and the one this past summer where I finally made sure we got family photos taken and we got one last camping trip up in the mountains taken care of (even if scheduling that right after my surgery was a pain in the arse... soo worth it!)
Hugs your loved ones tight, people. Take lots of pictures. Tell them you love them.
Also... if you have a chance.. if you have not donated... if you have a few extra pennies... Please check out the fundraiser link to help get Suzy moved back to Florida. We are leaving on December 14th. It takes quite a bit of money to ship stuff back to Idaho from Florida, including her Jeep. Then to drive across country. Not to mention making sure she is settled and not having to worry about money for a little bit anyway. The settlement from his accident could take 6 months or more, and we want to help Suzy feel as comfortable and stable as possible. She has enough on her plate, without having to worry about money too. Thank you to everyone who has donated.... and thank you to everyone who has loved us and shown support in other way. Everything is truly appreciated.
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