I Threw My Baby Away.....

Or at least that is what it felt like.

Suzy and I packed up Nick's stuff yesterday.  I have been trying to give her space to grieve and move at her own pace. I don't want to interfere with private moments, but I also want to be available if she needs me.    I can only imagine the kind of pain she is in.  So yesterday, she asked me to help pack up Nick's dragon collection.

Nick LOVED dragons, and he had quite the collection.  So we found a plastic tub and wrapped the "you know what" out of those dragons to make sure they stayed safe.  It was hard, but it gave me some kind of pleasure to care of the things that were so important to him.  And I enjoyed the time with them, touching them, remembering how they came into his possession and hearing stories of ones I had not seen before or didn't realize the story about.

Once the dragons were packed, we started on his books. Nick LOVED books. He loved learning.  He loved collecting antique books.  And he also had quite the collection of text books.  He is much like his Daddy.  He just couldn't part with his school books.

Once the books in the shelves were packed, we moved on to the end table where Nick held his most current semester's books and notebooks.  The books were easy to pack.  But then we came to his notebooks.  Suzy opened each one and I saw his handwriting. I longed to touch the papers, to run  my fingers over his handwriting.  We discussed what to do with all of this. Nick didn't throw anything away, and it was really only his current semester's worth of work anyway, but there was ALOT of it.

A friend of ours had talked about the options of dealing with things.  He was in reference to Tracy filling out insurance paperwork for the coming year.  It was tearing Tracy apart to not add Nick on the insurance.  Our friend suggested "ripping the band aid off" and doing it now instead of having to revisit the situation.  So we discussed this possibility in dealing with Nick's homework papers.  Once we retrieved anything remotely related to his Lightning Study, we were still faced with a huge pile of homework folders.  Do we rip the band aid off or pack up papers that were "useless" and incomprehensible to so and carry it across country only to have to go through them again later and go through this pain again (possibly).  We decided on the band aid approach.

I grabbed a hand full of notebooks. Suzy grabbed a hand full and we started walking to the garbage bins outside.  I held these notebooks in one arm kind of on my hip the way I would have carried Nick when he was a baby. The weight was about the same... or at least enough to stir those emotions and memories.  I caressed the notebooks, and I told them that I loved them, like I had been telling my son that I loved him.  Then we opened up the trash bins, and placed the notebooks on top of the trash.  We closed the bins and started to walk into the house.  Suzy said, "I wish we had a bon fire."  And I was doing my best to hold back tears.  I seriously felt like I had just thrown my baby in the trash!

We came inside to make dinner.  We stood in the kitchen. Both of us looking lost.  I asked Suzy for a hug and we stood there holding each other for a very long time and we cried.  We both felt as though we had just thrown our boy in the trash.  It was so damn heart breaking.  This whole "band aid method" was a seriously bad idea.  I held Suzy and as I started to let go, she grabbed me tighter and we continued to cry and I told her that I would stand here and hold her as long as she needed me to.  I told her I would likely hold on to her for a very long time and maybe even too tight at times and she will likely have to tell me to let go and let  her breathe (metaphorically).  I expressed my concern of holding onto her as a means of holding onto my son.  She understood.  The last thing I want to do is make her uncomfortable and we talked about that.  We talk about alot of things.  All the while I am still holding her.  Then it hit her. She used to stand in that same position with Nick right there in that kitchen while making dinner, and she sobbed again.

Then it dawned on me.  I am Nick's mom, the woman who gave birth to him.  She is Nick's wife, the woman who  loved and cherished him when he was no longer my little baby.  The two women who loved him most in this world are the ones going through  his things and letting him go in very personal ways.  I am grateful for the honor to be part of this with Suzy.  She could have had anyone she wanted here, but I get to be the one to help her.  And I am grateful for that.

But we still felt like we had thrown Nick out. I could hear Nick talking to me.  "Really, mom?"  I knew he wasn't happy.  I talked to Tracy and asked him about it.  In the end, it was decided that we would resurrect Nick from the trash and bring his work home to be burned in the bon fire at his Boise memorial.  It will be sent back to Nick which is what he would have wanted, and it is exactly what the family in friends in Boise will need to help release and bring closure.  Once that decision was made, Nick stopped yelling at me and Suzy and I felt peace.  We were able to sit and visit the rest of the night and just talk about things.

Being able to sit here and talk to Suzy about the dreams they shared and be here for her when she cries is so important to me.  I love that girl so much.

As of today, by the time she went to work, she has pretty much emptied out her "TV room" and got some amazing progress in packing and cleaning.

It's a long road to recovery for all of us, but its getting there... breath by breath.

Firsts and other things....

I know there will be plenty of "firsts" for our family, but yesterday was a truly hard day for my family.  I know that pain was pretty visible on Facebook yesterday.  However, we all made it through it.  I am very grateful for my burlesque sisters who brought over the Thanksgiving Feast to my family; they are truly amazing.  And bonus: we found out that one of my sparkle sisters has a dad in law who lives across the street...and he is one of the coolest guys on the block!  So awesome!

Yesterday, here in Florida, Suzy and I had an invitation to go to one of my best friends from Florida's home for dinner.  But we just couldn't pull ourselves together enough to be around people.  Even though I know she is one of the people who would totally understand our grief, we just couldn't stomach the thought of being around people.  Instead we went to Golden Corral with the rest of Palm Bay, Florida.  OMG, the lines!  We got there just in time!  Then went for a walk on the beach and I showed Suzy a place she had never been before (one of my most favorite places around here...and where Nick was first put on a surf board when he was 1 year old).  It was a beautiful day to be on the beach...me with sweet memories, Suzy a chance to get out to the water and explore something new and learn something new about Nick.  Then we went to see the Hunger Game movie that is out now.  Of course, we smuggled in rum every where we went.. genius idea!  For a very painful day, it was a good day.

  

Today I woke up with a list of things to do, but first I really needed to get my mom's car taken care of.  It needed an oil change before the road trip and just in the last couple of days the brakes were starting to make noise.  I asked suzy where to take it, but when it came down to it, I decided I needed to feel closer to Nick today.  He used to work for Sears in the Automotive Department.  He was recently laid off cause they wanted to be able to give their full time employees more pay/benefits.   Nick totally respected that decision, and his coworkers wrote amazing things on his wall.  Including Matt, his friend and Sherri his "shop mom".   So today as a way of feeling closer to Nick and knowing that these people who loved him would care for me and his car like it was their own car and mom, and being able to give them a chance to say goodbye in their way (since they had to work during the memorial) I went to Sears.  I was crying checking in as I met Sherri, his shop mom.  She is so dang sweet and loved my boy.  And she made sure that Matt worked on my car who take very good care of it.  And both gave me hugs and well wishes and told me how  much they loved my boy.  They were nice enough to take pictures with me.  I was able to take pictures of the place Nick learned how to work on cars and learned a passion for mechanics.  I watched through the service window and imagined him working there and getting into arguments there (which I know he did).  It made me feel closer to him.....and when it came time to leave.. I just didn't want to.  I wanted to stay in the parking lot forever....I wanted to some how make my boy come back to life.  I wanted him there so desperately.  I sat in the car and cried for a while.  Grateful to the people who loved him.  Grateful for his life.  Grateful for the way in which he touched other people.  

Every once in a while things hit me like a punch to the gut.  Today, while driving in the car, I heard a commercial for Wuestoff Hospital. This is where Nate (my 2nd boy) was born.  And it hit me.  Here in Florida, I have given birth to a child and I have had to say goodbye to a child.  The storyteller in me said.. "Book Ends of Life."  

There was something else while driving home that punched me in the gut, but I can't remember what it was.  Lots of things punch me in the gut.....and I'm sure they will for quite some time.  

Right now, I just really miss my boy.  And I wish on soooo many things that he would just walk through that front door right now.  At the same time, I am so very grateful for the family vacations we took together.. more specifically, the one 3 years ago to Texas to see his grandparents and the one this past summer where I finally made sure we got family photos taken and we got one last camping trip up in the mountains taken care of (even if scheduling that right after my surgery was a pain in the arse... soo worth it!)

Hugs your loved ones tight, people.  Take lots of pictures.  Tell them you love them.  

Also... if you have a chance.. if you have not donated... if you have a few extra pennies... Please check out the fundraiser link to help get Suzy moved back to Florida.  We are leaving on December 14th.  It takes quite a bit of money to ship stuff back to Idaho from Florida, including her Jeep.  Then to drive across country.  Not to mention making sure she is settled and not having to worry about money for a little bit anyway.  The settlement from his accident could take 6 months or more, and we want to help Suzy feel as comfortable and stable as possible.  She has enough on her plate, without having to worry about money too.  Thank you to everyone who has donated.... and thank you to everyone who has loved us and shown support in other way.  Everything is truly appreciated.

Nick's Earth Graduation Fundraiser

Momma Bear's Journal: Week 2 day 3..November 26, 2014

This is gonna be another one of those posts that is kind of all over the place.

Kennel training update:  Bubs is going into his kennel willinglly to just chill and rest...with is door open.  This is HUGE progress.  I still can't tell him to "go to bed" and have him to go his kennel, but at least he is finding it to be a comfy safe place.  He is no longer howling when we put him in it and leave the house.  And last night, he only whined for about 5 minutes before settling down adn going to sleep through the night and didn't even wake me up before 7 and didn't even whine after I was  up and moving around.  He just waited patiently for me to get dressed to take him out.  WINNING!

My hopes for peaceful sleep last night did not work out so well.  Yes, the dog let me sleep, but my unconscious decided it wanted to grieve while I slept.  I had horrible dreams of going to events with church friends and ending up ugly crying in public.  Then someone saying something insensitive to me, and I lost it and I ran out of the restaurant/bar we were in and ran down the street crying and sobbing at the top of my lungs and came crashing down holding a light pole while sitting on the ground and sobbing uncontrollably and people just passing me by.  It was pretty harsh.  But I realize its my unconscious grieving......so I woke up and sat in the sadness and just felt it before I rolled out of bed.  And Suzy and I talked about it this morning.  *sigh*

We did manage to get through the probate lawyer without them saying "happy thanksgiving" to us again today... maybe they heard my rather loud remarks after I left their office yesterday.  *laugh*  I wasn't trying to be passive aggressive..I'm just loud.

The other thing.... the way people look at us.  When they hear that Nick is dead.  We get "that" look.  Suzy says the look is different based on the words she uses.. "Nick passed away" gets a gentler to handle look than "Nick was killed".  I find that interesting and odd a lat the same time.  What I do know is that it is awkward for everyone.....

That awkwardness brings up the other subject of Thanksgiving.  Before Nick's accident, they had plans to spend it with friends from Nick's school.  I guess that has not been brought up again since Nick's accident.  One of my best friends from Florida from years ago has invited us over..she only just met Suzy last weekend at the garage sale, but she knew Nick when he was a baby...until we moved out of here when Nick was 6 years old.  Suzy and I have gone rounds about what to do..... go out to dinner and a movie (if so WHERE do we go out?).  Go to Nan's house.  Maybe go to Epcot.  But the idea of spending money (Especially Epcot) seems a bit unwise...but at the same time I think doing something completely unrelated to Thanksgiving and just having fun would be good for us.  Either way, I was leaving this decision up to Suzy.   Whatever we do, I want her to feel comfortable.  So, its been decided that we are going to Nan's house.. Suzy says it feels more personal and that is what she wants.  I know there will be laughter there.

The other thing I am having a hard time wrapping my head around.... the number of children I have.  How do I say that.  How do I wrap my head around the face that I now only have 1 son instead of 2.  I have been screwing up family head count ever since Nick was killed. So badly that when we bought tickets to fly out here, I totally missed one and Omi almost didn't make it out here.  In my heart there is a hole.

Then there are things I think about that Nick will not be there for or that he is missing that I really wanted him to be part of.  I wanted him too see the Add The Words Documentary that I am in; he was so proud of me for getting arrested for standing up for civil rights.  I always expected him to be the one to lead the crazy dancing at my own memorial service and to speak at my service.  I always expected him to be the one to take care of the family.  I never told him any of this, but he is the one I thought would be there to take care of us when time came.  I know Nate and Omi would be there too, but I always just expected it to be Nick...maybe because he is the oldest.

I find myself wanting to wrap up my children in bubble wrap and  make sure they are safe.  I want to call them all the time and tell them how much I love them.  I want to be with them.  And god forbid they move away from me.  How the hell do I let my 2 kids move away from us now?  I don't think they realize they are stuck with us for ever now.

I won't be home in Idaho until just before Christmas.. but how do I hang Christmas stockings without one for Nick?  How do I wrap my head around the fact that my boy is gone?  *sigh*

But on the good news front... we are kicking ass and taking names on the house clearing front.  (Though I'm pretty certain the trash man will hate us.)  My brother will be here this weekend to take back the pieces of furniture that need to go to Texas.  I still haven't found the "Saathoff Family Spoon", but I promise, I am going through EVERY DRAWER and EVERY SHELF looking.  This is literally the needle in the haystack scenario.

Well time to wipe the tears and get back to work.. lots to do....

It's been 2 weeks.....

It's been 2 weeks since my son, Nick, was killed in a motorcycle accident.    I have not journaled on paper at all.  And most of my thoughts end up on Facebook in bits and pieces in posts or in the updates for his fundraising page, but none of them have really been all that deep or all of that...well I don't know... overwhelmingly sad.

I do try very hard to find the positive things to be grateful for.  I do have amazing friends and even friends of friends (which are complete strangers to me) sending much needed love and financial support to my family.  It's humbling.  Suzy and Nick had some amazing friends who are helping us out here in the Florida house as we empty and close it out.  I have some amazing friends feeding my family in Idaho.  We have lots of love surrounding us.  There have been times of crazy laughter.  And then times of crazy sadness. There are times when everything is normal and I am going about my daily business when all of a sudden it sneaks up on me and I'm a crying mess in public.  It is what it is.  There are no rule books on how to mourn the loss of your son who was tragically taken from you by a horrible horrible vehicle accident.  (Okay, maybe there are books on it... I haven't looked yet.)

I feel like I need a "Captains Journal" to log all of the craziness of this Florida trip.  What would I name is though?  "Grieving Mother's Journal, Nov 25, 2014.  Day 1..."  That doesn't really seem right.  I'm grieving but most of the time, you would never really know that.  "Mean Doggy Step Mom's Journal...."  I don't think I'm all that mean and this dog gets as much love as my own dog, just needs some training (which of course, he may think is mean.)  "Circus Ring Leaders Journal"  but that doesn't quite fit anyone more when its just Suzy and I (except for the Crazies of Florida).  I just don't know what I would call it.  It's a mixture of all of that.

Last night, was the first night I made Bubs (my mom's poodle) sleep in his kennel.  On top of mourning my son, helping my daughter in love through all of this, and clearing out my mom's house, I have been kennel training my mom's poodle.   He is NOT a puppy and is very spoiled and used to ruling the roost around here.  When I was here for 5 weeks last year, I had him kennel trained, so some of it is coming back pretty naturally. But other parts like sleeping in his kennel, well he is not very happy about that.  I thought I would try to let him sleep with me (since that is what my Mom would do), until he decided to pee on the floor in the bedroom. That is unacceptable behavior for so many reasons: 1)  He will be living my new house with my new floors  2)  It is a slipping hazard for my mom  3)  Its just plain gross!   The problem is, putting him in the kennel to sleep, he wails and cries miserably and no one gets any sleep.  So we went to the store to buy a collar to stop baring and crying; the trainer said he is only doing that cause of anxiety and the zap collar would make it worse.  So we walked out of there, with a thundershirt, some calming edibles that have melatonin in them and went to the store to buy lavender scented plug ins to put beside his kennel.

I threw mom's throw blankets (ones he cuddles up with during the day) into his kennel, and put him in there and hoped for the best. Instantaneously  he cried. OMG..he cried.  I turned up some soothing music on Pandora hoping that would help. Nope.  He cried.  I kept talking to him.  He cried. OMG.  I didn't think he would ever stop!  Finally he did. And he even slept trough the thunder storm (which my dog would not do).  So....we will keep up with this regimen and hopefully by the time we leave, Bubs will be completely kennel trained.  Hopefuly by the time we get to Idaho, my kennel trained Shane will have my mom trained.  And when we all get there together, live will be peaceful.

As soon as I woke up this morning, I saw a post from my daughter on Facebook.  It was a poem she had written about her feelings about losing her brother.   She writes amazing poetry.....

**********************
That Pain is Now Upon Us
-Naomi Spiva

You know the feeling of loss
When your heart drops
The feeling of your chest caving in
Its a dreadful feeling
Imagine being so enlightened and content to having a massive pit in your stomach
Then the pit turns into a ravedge animal eating and clawing its way out
That all happened to me
Now I wake up from panic attacks
I wake up with my head being pounded in with nails
With my ribs being crushed under the pressure from sorrow
My breaths go faint, they're barely there
My stomach is being torn to shreds
My heart is being stabbed
Death had taken away a part of my life
He has stolen my happiness once more and made everything worse
Depression is a hungry bear stalking its prey
And there is no where for me to hide
The bear stomps on me with full force pinning me into the dirt
It's teeth is the anxiety that burried into me tearing me from limb to limb
It is truly astonishing how bad news can make this feeling reappear
How news can make you go from cloud 9 to a thousand miles under
Loss and grief are so powerful they can make the wealthy go broke
The tragic feelings can make you go from fit to an overweight alcoholic
They say when someone dies theyre no longer in pain, it's true
The pain is no longer with them
The pain is now upon us as we go through the journey of life without them

*******************************

It makes me incredibly sad that I am not there with my little girl during this time.  I'm sad that I am not with my husband or my son Nate.  But I know I need to be here with Suzy.  She is my daughter and will always be my daughter and as her momma in love/law I would never be able to let her go through this alone.  So today as I walked the dog and now as I write this post, my heart is torn in two.  Not only am I missing my son who was killed so tragically, I am missing my family in Idaho, terribly.  I know I only have 2 1/2 more weeks here, but its hard.  

Speaking of the way I talk about my son's death. I have family members who will/can not say that Nick is dead.  I get it.  It's hard to deal with.  But I have to keep saying.  Suzy says "he passed away".  But to me, he was killed.  He wasn't sick.  He was vital and lived life large. He had the world ahead of him.  He had amazing friends. He touched hundreds of lives. He leaves behind him an incredible scientific legacy...at the young age of 25.  He didn't just "pass away".  He didn't just "go away".  He was TAKEN from  me. He was KILLED.    And it completely sucks to no end!  There is no amount of money from a settlement or a fundraiser that will make this pain go away. There is no amount of food that will bury my pain.  There is no amount of alcohol that will make it disappear.  There is no amount of pot that will kill this memory (not that I have smoked any).  There is no amount of amazing (or even bad) sex that will make me forget (not that I have had any of that, either).  There is only time....and its only been 2 weeks.  I think I have done a remarkable job of keeping my shit together....but right now in this moment.. I am raw and hurting.

There are moments when I get so mad at people around Suzy.  She tells me stories about how people talk to her or about her and all I wanna do is shove my am down their throats and rip their hearts out.  Don't mess with my cubs, or this momma bear will come after you.. and I don't care who you are.  So here's the deal, people, if you are reading this post.  STOP asking her if she and when she is going to go back to college now.  Life as she knows it has completely been rolled end over end, and it will continue to do so for god knows how long.  Unless you have lost your husband, you have no clue what she is feeling.  Hell, *I* don't know what she is feeling.  I can only imagine the kind of pain she must be feeling at the loss of the love of  her life.  But what I do know is, now is NOT the time to be asking her about when and if she is going back to college!  Even if she registered now for Spring semester, do you really think her loss would be at bay enough to make decent grades?  Seriously?  Give her a fucking break!  Give her time to grieve. Right now she is busy with day to day stuff like trying to figure out how to take care of bills, how to afford moving, transferring bank accounts, packing, and sorting and just trying to figure out how to get by breath by breath.  The last thing she needs is to have people hounding her about what she plans to do about her long term future.  There will be time for that.  But right now, she needs the time to just be and heal.  Besides, she is MOVING back to Idaho, which means she needs at least a year to establish residency again. So back the fuck off and give her some room.  Think and use compassion before you speak to her. 

I didn't think I knew how to "burry" my son.  I didnt' think I knew how to have a memorial for my son.  Gratefully, I didn't have to really plan the memorial, his friends at school did that, but I did manage to speak. Yet, I can not manage to go back and read what I wrote or watch the video of the service.  I do remember speaking from my heart... a message that was given to me for 3 days before his memorial.  It HAD to be said.  It's what Nick wanted. But....the point is.  I didn't think I knew how to do it.  But I did it.  And today as I was walking the dog, I thought, I don't know how to go on living with this kind of pain....with this kind of hole in my heart and in my life.  I know I must and I know I will.  I just don't know how.  But like anything else in life, where there is a will, there is a way.  And that way will be provided in a minute by minute, breath by breath  journey.  

I apologize, but I don't want to apologize. I didn't want to be the person who wore my pain so publicly on Facebook...which is why I guess I am writing this very long post here in my journal and then posting it on Facebook. I don't often have posts that generate LOTS of readers.. so I guess I feel this is safe to just let it all hang out there.

I cried... which I guess I needed.  I guess I needed to just allow myself to feel for a moment....before I tackle the business at hand (clearing out the house).  Thanks for "listening".