One very frustrated person.. much like a runner on injured reserved!
I saw this today as I browsed Facebook this morning and thought it described the way I have been feeling as of late. "Destroyed" may be a bit of an over-statement, but frustrated certainly fits.
This blog may be all over the place, so please forgive me in advance. Also, make yourself comfortable as I do not know how long this will be.
As you all know I have been dealing with a back injury and trying to avoid back surgery. My last surgeon said I can do anything I want and would regularly do, along with Physical Therapy, so that by the time I see him again in April, we will know if I am getting better or if I need to think about surgery. Of course, all of that happened at the same time I decided to get involved with Add The 4 Words demonstrations and arrests.
Though I am no longer doing anymore arrest actions, I still wanted to be there for the "vigils" or support those who are doing the arrest actions. The problem is, all of that standing in one place is hurting my back. I talked to my physical therapist about it, and he said that all of that standing is actually undoing any PT that we may be doing. The standing strengthens the larger muscles in my back and lets the smaller, very weak muscles go un-used, and it is THOSE muscles that I need to get strong to help support and heal my injured back. *sigh* AND with the standing that I am doing, and the pain that it causes, it prevents me from doing the other things that I love and need to do in order to know if I can do them before we look into surgery....such as long hikes, bike rides, yoga. I have been able to do the belly dancing, but belly dancing WITH the vigils cause me a great deal of pain.
So, yes I am frustrated. I WANT to be there. As a matter of fact, my family was good with taking the financial hits of arrest. We were good with me doing time, if that is what I needed to do to get this taken care of in Idaho. But the minute we found out it would prevent me from going into other countries (like Canada), I had to pull out of the arrests and I felt bad about that. Now I feel even worse as I feel as though I need to pull out of the vigils as well. My heart is there, but what is best for my healing body says otherwise. I know what is right for my body. Then there is that fear in the back of my head that people will look down at me cause I didn't give as much as the rest of them. "Oh you only got arrested once? Well then it was a mistake..not something you were really supportive of." "You stopped going to the vigils, you must not want this as much as the rest of us. Look at me, I'm hurt, and I'm still there."
I hear people all of the time saying, they wish they could do more but they are afraid of getting arrested. I tell them how they can get involved without getting arrested. But they are still worried (and I understand that). And I tell them that everyone does what they can at the level they are comfortable with and no one judges......yet here I am feeling as though I will be judged and thought less of because of what I am able and willing to do at this point.
There is also the emotional side of this. I have been very testy, emotional, and just plain not a fun person with all of this stuff. I take all of this stuff way too personally. I get angered easily. I get frustrated. I just don't understand the injustice of it all. What seems so "easy" to one group seems to "harmful" to another. No matter how I try to understand the other side, I just don't get it. And it hurts. Then there are the different stories I hear from different influential people on the inside and the outside of this movement.
So what does this all boil down to for my family? A very unhappy wife and mom. My husband asked me last week, "When are you going to come back to me?" He misses the happy me. Part of the unhappy me has been my back issues; the other part has been the Add the 4 Words campaign. I care and give so much of my energy to it, and I get angry cause it all seems so simple to me. My poor family takes the brunt of it. This is no longer healthy for my family.
Then yesterday, I went to a lecture series.. a dialogue between the Native Peoples of Idaho and the Non-Natives. I wasn't entirely certain what I would walk into. I envisioned it being a lot like what I used to go to in Arizona. I was completely wrong and came home with more questions and more frustrations.
I have lived here for 12 years and have only seen or heard mention of the Tribes that lived here long ago a couple of times. There is ONE historical marker off of the greenbelt and if you blink, you will miss it. Then there are all the stories of the Sacagawea. I have heard NAMES of Tribes, but either didn't recognize them as Tribal names or just didn't give it much thought. I don't see any Native Americans around town here. I saw one the day I got arrested. He was one of our legal observers and it really took me by surprise. In Arizona, they were just part of our population. Boise is so WHITE. Really it is.
Anyway, yesterday I heard theirs stories. Way back when, before Lewis And Clark, there were TENS OF THOUSANDS of Tribal people living here in the Boise Valley. Table Rock, where I love to hike, there is a lit up cross on top; it used to be their signal rock. They would light fires up on top of Table Rock to signal meetings. Now? Nothing. Just a marker on the green belt saying there are burial grounds there and ironically a CROSS where their signal fires used to be!
I felt such anger. These people who used to live here and take care of these lands have been pushed out to the far corners of Idaho or even into Nevada. Families were split apart. And what I didn't understand in AZ, I learned yesterday. The Native People of Idaho (and all other Tribal members in the USA) are STILL considered "Prisoners of War"! When they are registered on the Native American Roll, they are given a POW number. When they are BORN here in Idaho on the Reservation, they are given POW standing with a number. These people have archaeological proof that they were here 15, 000 YEARS ago (sorry Bible believers) and yet, here we are, white people from Europe who believe that because we stepped foot on this piece of Earth and because we were originally under the sovereign of England that we could adopt Englad philosophies and say, "I stepped on this piece of earth, so it makes it mine. And since you (the Native Peoples) seem to not be able to speak God's language (English), and because you are not Christian, you can not own lands...so now its mine!" OMG! Seriously, people! Treaties were created and agreed upon, but the US Government ignores and dismisses them, but the Native Peoples still believe in those treaties. So to the Tribal Leaders who live in the Fort Hall and Duck Valley Reservations still believe that the Boise Valley still belongs to them and they begged and pleaded with us yesterday to take care of it. Take care of its resources.
Then today, a friend of mine posted an article about how Idaho legislature wants to do away with the Federal Government's EPA laws. My heart breaks. Idaho House Committee Passes Bill
I came home from that meeting last night very upset. We also talked about "White Privilege" and stereotypes and mascots. I tried to ask about a storytelling season here in Idaho, like there is for Hopi in Arizona. They looked at me like I was crazy. I tried in 2 different break out sessions to get that answered. But in the Stereotypes session, what I came away with was......wow. I don't even want to tell Native American stories or even play my Native American Flutes anymore for fear of offending them. As Non-Native Americas, we have felt like its okay to do whatever we want. "If it feels good", go for it. Native American's are 2nd class citizens, they don't matter. Much the same as African Americas and (as the speaker in this break out session implied yesterday) the LGBT people. We feel "privileged" or I would even use the word "entitled". And we aren't! Since when is it okay to make fun of another group of people or an individual just to build yourself up? And I am still very confused about "adopting" some of their religious ceremonies for our own good (even though in Arizona, we (both male and female) were invited into a sweat lodge with Native Americans as a cross cultural lesson.) The speaker yesterday, made it pretty clear that in his mind, women don't belong in a sweat lodge, not because he is sexist, but because women already have a way to natually cleans themselves every month. Men do not, and they NEED it in order to be better men for their women. (This is not an uncommon thinking in Native cultures (anywhere around the world). But, wow! I left with alot more questions than answers!
Anyway....I came home from this class feeling very frustrated. In the Boise Valley, you never hear tales of the Native Peoples. You ONLY hear about the the Lewis and Clark Trail (not the devastation is caused to the people who were already here). You know the whole.. "the Victors write the history books". Well that is what has happened here in Idaho. At least in Phoenix, it was a little bit more integrated and "in your face" since the Indian School was there in Phoenix and a freakin' street was named after it! The horrible history is THERE and isn't ignored. But here....its just white washed (quite literally).
*sigh*
To learn more about these Native Tribes, please check out their links, and educate yourself:
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(I know YOU don't know this.... but I just got back from lunch with Tracy. We talked about my "all or nothing" attitude and how it can be a weakness...and how in THIS case for Add the 4 Words, it is. My passion and lack of ability to do what I want and my frustration at feeling like a 2nd class citizen in my own state and feeling like my lawmakers just are not listening and feeling TORN between wanting to DO stuff to change that and needing to take care of my health..both physical and emotional...it's just too much. The thing is, this is how I approach just about everything in my life. ALL OR NOTHING. It's how I approached my weight loss journey back in 2011. It's how I approached my running. It's how I approach my relationships. It's how I approach my spiritual beliefs. It's how I approach just about everything. And at some point in that kind of mind-set you either make HUGE successes at a short term goal or you burn out in long term situations. Tracy lovingly suggested, "Why don't you make that next year's goal...to live in moderation." Now there's a novel idea!)
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