It has been a long time since I have been to church. And today, I just felt like I needed to go. I have been feeling all kinds of discombobulated spiritually which has not been helping my mental and emotional state. My Faith is a huge part of who I am; it always has been. I also know that if I am giving up so much of my energy for the Add The 4 Words cause, I need to fill up my soul in order to keep going.
As it turns out, my minister had been gone for a few weeks for knee surgery and today was her first day back. That made me happy. I love her!
She started to speak and started telling a story about the fear she felt while standing at the edge of a gang plank just before jumping off in a bungee jumping experience. I know that feeling all to well. That is EXACTLY what I had been feeling the morning before the protest that eventually led to my arrest. As she spoke I felt as if she was speaking right to me. It could have been ME up there speaking. I tried diligently to take notes, but my short term memory sucks thanks to the brain injury so any quotes I have are rough at best. But there is one I wanted to share.
The quote came from a book called Learning to Fall. "We all have the capacity to stand at the edge and break through the ordinary awareness or common mentality."
That is EXACTLY what it was like making that decision to put on my clothes, don the special tank top shirt that signifies that I am one that has agreed to be arrested for the Add the 4 Words cause. I was standing at the edge..ready to break through the ordinary awareness and common mentality that this state has. This state thinks it is okay to discriminate and NOT protect the LGBT community, but no more! I will not stand for it! So I stood at that edge, and I held out my hands and I jumped!!!!
Today in church while Rev. Jackie spoke she called me out. She had me stand up and recognized me as one of the people who have been arrested for standing in protest at the capitol. My church clapped and cheered. I received hugs. I received a white carnation. People thanked me for having the courage that they did not have. And I wrestled. I wrestled with the proper words to respond with. People are thanking me, but its not about me. It's about what is right.
Every week in church, there is a song that we sing and as we sing it, my heart is open wide and my hands are lifted up and I sing this prayer for guidance......."Use me, oh God. I stand for you, and here I'll abide as you show me all that I must do. I used to think God was the sun. God is the sun, but God's so much more than the earth or the stars or all of creation. God is creator all in all. Needing us, to shine its light as me, as you. So use me, oh God, I stand for you. And here I'll abide as you show me all that I must do. Command my hands what must they do? Command my life; its here for you. God is the love that heals all creation. God is creator, makes all things new. God needs us to shine its light as me, as you. So use me, oh God, I stand for you. And here I'll abide as you show me all that I must do."
As I make my decisions to continue going to these actions which I'm certain I will be arrested for again. I do not jump blindly. I am rooted in my faith. I am rooted in the faith of my own experience. I know that I am cared for and that I am safe. I know what I am willing to do for this cause. And when people thank me and tell me how courageous I am, I have found my answer. "You are welcome. I will stand for you and I am your voice." I know that my standing, is not ME standing. I am simply a vessel. It is me standing in place of all of those who can not. I am standing for all of those kids who are taking their lives or who are considering taking their lives. I am standing for all of those who fear that if *THEY* stand, they will lose their job or their homes. I am standing for YOU! I am standing for Equal Rights..whether you are LGBT or not, these are HUMAN RIGHTS that we all deserve and at some point in time, someone, somewhere stood for YOU. So now, its simply my turn to pay it forward and stand for those who can not stand. It is my calling. It's that simple.
I stand at the edge looking into the unknown. I really have no idea what the outcome is of these arrests (to me personally). And yes, it's a bit scary. I stand on the edge and wonder how this will affect me. How much money will this cost me (and my family). Will I have to do actual time in jail because of this? Will I be physically hurt during a protest? How much will I (and my family) have to sacrifice? Then the other question that comes back to me is, "What is the alternative if you do NOT jump? How many more lives will be lost? How many people will continue to be discriminated against? How will change happen if everyone is too scared to jump?" I am rooted in my faith, and I believe the others I stand with are as well. We are rooted in the faith that this state is better than this. That we ARE making a difference.
So the white carnation (that reminded me of Peace) that was given to me today in church is not for me.... it is for EVERYONE I stand with. And more importantly, it is for the children who have taken their lives. It is for the people of the LGBT community who feel hopeless. It is a symbol of hope and peace. And I share it with you all.
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