What Do You Get When.....

You mix a bleeding-heart liberal, a back trying to avoid surgery, an "all or nothing" personality, and causes that said bleeding-heart liberal believes in???

One very frustrated person.. much like a runner on injured reserved!

I saw this today as I browsed Facebook this morning and thought it described the way I have been feeling as of late.  "Destroyed" may be a bit of an over-statement, but frustrated certainly fits.

This blog may be all over the place, so please forgive me in advance.  Also, make yourself comfortable as I do not know how long this will be.

As you all know I have been dealing with a back injury and trying to avoid back surgery.  My last surgeon said I can do anything I want and would regularly do, along with Physical Therapy, so that by the time I see him again in April, we will know if I am getting better or if I need to think about surgery.  Of course, all of that happened at the same time I decided to get involved with Add The 4 Words demonstrations and arrests.  

Though I am no longer doing anymore arrest actions, I still wanted to be there for the "vigils" or support those who are doing the arrest actions.  The problem is, all of that standing in one place is hurting my back.  I talked to my physical therapist about it, and he said that all of that standing is actually undoing any PT that we may be doing.  The standing strengthens the larger muscles in my back and lets the smaller, very weak muscles go un-used, and it is THOSE muscles that I need to get strong to help support and heal my injured back.  *sigh*    AND with the standing that I am doing, and the pain that it causes,  it prevents me from doing the other things that I love and need to do in order to know if I can do them before  we look into surgery....such as long hikes, bike rides, yoga.  I have been able to do the belly dancing, but belly dancing WITH the vigils cause me a great deal of pain.  

So, yes I am frustrated.  I WANT to be there.  As a matter of fact, my family was good with taking the financial hits of arrest.  We were good with me doing time, if that is what I needed to do to get this taken care of in Idaho.  But the minute we found out it would prevent me from going into other countries (like Canada), I had to pull out of the arrests and I felt bad about that.  Now I feel even worse as I feel as though I need to pull out of the vigils as well.  My heart is there, but what is best for my healing body says otherwise.   I know what is right for my body.  Then there is that fear in the back of my head that people will look down at me cause I didn't give as much as the rest of them.  "Oh you only got arrested once?  Well then it was a mistake..not something you were really supportive of."  "You stopped going to the vigils, you must not want this as much as the rest of us.  Look at me, I'm hurt, and I'm still there."

I hear people all of the time saying, they wish they could do more but they are afraid of getting arrested. I tell them how they can get involved without getting arrested.  But they are still worried (and I understand that).  And I tell them that everyone does what they can at the level they are comfortable with and no one judges......yet here I am feeling as though I will be judged and thought less of because of what I am able and willing to do at this point.  

There is also the emotional side of this.  I have been very testy, emotional, and just plain not a fun person with all of this stuff.  I take all of this stuff way too personally.  I get angered easily.  I get frustrated.  I just don't understand the injustice of it all.  What seems so "easy" to one group seems to "harmful" to another.  No matter how I try to understand the other side, I just don't get it.  And it hurts.  Then there are the different stories I hear from different influential people on the inside and the outside of this movement.

So what does this all boil down to for my family? A very unhappy wife and mom.  My husband asked me last week, "When are you going to come back to me?"  He misses the happy me.  Part of the unhappy me has been my back issues; the other part has been the Add the 4 Words campaign.  I care and give so much of my energy to it, and I get angry cause it all seems so simple to me.  My poor family takes the brunt of it.  This is no longer healthy for my family.  

Then yesterday, I went to a lecture series.. a dialogue between the Native Peoples of Idaho and the Non-Natives.  I wasn't entirely certain what I would walk into.  I envisioned it being a lot like what I used to go to in Arizona.  I was completely wrong and came home with more questions and more frustrations.  

I have lived here for 12 years and have only seen or heard mention of the Tribes that lived here long ago a couple of times.  There is ONE historical marker off of the greenbelt and if you blink, you will miss it.  Then there are all the stories of the Sacagawea.  I have heard NAMES of Tribes, but either didn't recognize them as Tribal names or just didn't give it much thought.  I don't see any Native Americans around town here. I saw one the day I got arrested.  He was one of our legal observers and it really took me by surprise.  In Arizona, they were just part of our population.    Boise is so WHITE.  Really it is.  

Anyway, yesterday I heard theirs stories.  Way back when, before Lewis And Clark, there were  TENS OF THOUSANDS of Tribal people living here in the Boise Valley.  Table Rock, where I love to hike, there is a lit up cross on top; it used to be their signal rock.  They would light fires up on top of Table Rock to signal meetings.  Now?  Nothing.  Just a marker on the green belt saying there are burial grounds there and ironically a CROSS where their signal fires used to be!  

I felt such anger.  These people who used to live here and take care of these lands have been pushed out to the far corners of Idaho or even into Nevada.  Families were split apart.  And what I didn't understand in AZ, I learned yesterday.  The Native People of Idaho (and all other Tribal members in the USA) are STILL considered "Prisoners of War"!  When they are registered on the Native American Roll, they are given a POW number.  When they are BORN here in Idaho on the Reservation, they are given POW standing with a number.  These people have archaeological proof that they were here 15, 000 YEARS ago (sorry Bible believers) and yet, here we are, white people from Europe who believe that because we stepped foot on this piece of Earth and because we were originally under the sovereign of England that we could adopt Englad  philosophies and say, "I stepped on this piece of earth, so it makes it mine.  And since you (the Native Peoples) seem to not be able to speak God's language (English), and because you are not Christian, you can not own lands...so now its mine!"  OMG!  Seriously, people!  Treaties were created and agreed upon, but the US Government ignores and dismisses them, but the Native Peoples still believe in those treaties.  So to the Tribal Leaders who live in the Fort Hall and Duck Valley Reservations still believe that the Boise Valley still belongs to them and they begged and pleaded with us yesterday to take care of it. Take care of its resources.  

Then today, a friend of mine posted an article about how Idaho legislature wants to do away with the Federal Government's EPA laws. My heart breaks.  Idaho House Committee Passes Bill

I came home from that meeting last night very upset.  We also talked about "White Privilege" and stereotypes and mascots.  I tried to ask about a storytelling season here in Idaho, like there is for Hopi in Arizona.  They looked at me like I was crazy.  I tried in 2 different break out sessions to get that answered.  But in the Stereotypes session, what I came away with was......wow.  I don't even want to tell Native American stories or even play my Native American Flutes anymore for fear of offending them.  As Non-Native Americas, we have felt like its okay to do whatever we want.  "If it feels good", go for it.  Native American's are 2nd class citizens, they don't matter.  Much the same as African Americas and (as the speaker in this break out session implied yesterday) the LGBT people.   We feel "privileged" or I would even use the word "entitled".  And we aren't!  Since when is it okay to make fun of another group of people or an individual just to build yourself up?  And I am still very confused about "adopting" some of their religious ceremonies for our own good (even though in Arizona, we (both male and female) were invited into a sweat lodge with Native Americans as a cross cultural lesson.)  The speaker yesterday, made it pretty clear that in his mind, women don't belong in a sweat lodge, not because he is sexist, but because women already have a way  to natually cleans themselves every month.  Men do not, and they NEED it in order to be better men for their women.  (This is not an uncommon thinking in Native cultures (anywhere around the world).  But, wow!  I left with alot more questions than answers!

Anyway....I came home from this class feeling very frustrated.  In the Boise Valley, you never hear tales of the Native Peoples.  You ONLY hear about the the Lewis and Clark Trail (not the devastation is caused to the people who were already here).  You know the whole.. "the Victors write the history books".  Well that is what has happened here in Idaho.  At least in Phoenix, it was a little bit more integrated and "in your face" since the Indian School was there in Phoenix and a freakin' street was named after it!  The horrible history is THERE and isn't ignored.  But here....its just white washed (quite literally).

*sigh*

To learn more about these Native Tribes, please check out their links, and educate yourself:

Shoshone and Bannock Tribes

Shoshone Paiute Tribes

**********************

(I know YOU don't know this.... but I just got back from lunch with Tracy. We talked about my "all or nothing" attitude and how it can be a weakness...and how in THIS case for Add the 4 Words, it is.  My passion and lack of ability to do what I want and my frustration at feeling like a 2nd class citizen in my own state and feeling like my lawmakers just are not listening and feeling TORN between wanting to DO stuff to change that and needing to take care of my health..both physical and emotional...it's just too much.  The thing is, this is how I approach just about everything in my life.  ALL OR NOTHING.  It's how I approached my weight loss journey back in 2011. It's how I approached my running.  It's how I approach my relationships.  It's how I approach my spiritual beliefs.  It's how I approach just about everything.  And at some point in that kind of mind-set you either make HUGE successes at a short term goal or you burn out in long term situations.  Tracy lovingly suggested, "Why don't you make that next year's goal...to live in moderation."  Now there's a novel idea!)

They Say the First Step is Acknowledging It....

Hi. I'm Martha, and I'm a left-wing, bleeding heart liberal.

And NO, that is not a problem!  At least not for me.

So today, I was having lunch with some trail running friends.  They are this amazing couple who live in the area where I grew up in Texas.  I met them through the trail running community on Facebook when they planned a visit to Boise 2 Christmases ago.  We have remained friends on Facebook ever since.  We seem to have a lot in common, so I was excited to have lunch with them today.

They are vegan and a bit hippy-ish, so naturally, I suggested Shangri-La Tea House and Restaurant.  Yummy food and great vibe!

Unfortunately, for them, I had JUST watched the trailer for the Add The Words Documentary.

Add The Words Movie Trailer

In case you have been living under a log and not reading my blog for the last month, Add The Words in a Human Rights Movement in Boise, Idaho, asking the legislature to add 4 words, "Sexual Orientation" and "Gender Identity" to the Idaho Human Rights Act.  (Watch the trailer from the link above.) Anyway, I had just watched the trailer and I was an emotional wreck.  And I had just stood vigil a few hours earlier at the Idaho State Capitol for this very thing while elementary school kids were a floor below me singing a song that said "Freedom is coming.  My Spirit Knows it."  So, ya, I was already in a political frame of mind.  For that matter, my mind has pretty much been on this for over a month now.  My heart has been in it for a LONG time.  It's a touchy subject.

So anyway, sitting with my friends, our original conversation started out rather political.  And I know from my correspondence with this couple that we are pretty much politically aligned so it was safe to talk about this stuff.  But what I didn't know was that my friend, Brandon, is much like me in that this kind of thing sends his brain spinning into anxiety and emotional break down almost.  It affects him in ways that he needs to be careful how much he pays attention to it.

And THAT is when it hit me!  I'm a freakin' left-wing, bleeding-heart, liberal.  Ya, I have known for a long time that this was the case.  But in the last month, I have cried more than my share of tears.  I have been angered to outrage. I have been ecstatic and excited.  I have felt EVERY EXTREME emotion you can feel and I live that way.  I have NOT been feeling anything in between. Everything I have been feeling has been on one extreme or the other.  Why?  Because I wear my heart on my sleeve.  And more importantly, I FEEL the next person's pain and/or joy.  I am way too empathetic. Which is why, when you see me in TV clips or videos from vigils, I am more than likely crying!

In the trailer, there is a shot of me walking in line, and I was crying.  Just a couple of days ago, we held a candle lit vigil and our Channel 6 news was there and they got a close up shot of me and Omi singing, and I was crying!

I feel for people.  I feel for the man on the street asking for money.  I feel for the people I see in wrecks as I drive by them.  I feel for the child who gets bullied (and I don't actually see it, just hear about it).  I cry at freakin' hallmark commercials!  It's just who I am.  I am a bleeding-heart liberal who will fight for human rights.  I believe everyone should be treated with respect and kindness.  I believe everyone should share the same rights as their neighbors.  I realize that the world isn't fair, but there are some things that we can MAKE fair and human rights is one of them!  I do not understand why this is so hard for people to understand.

Then I thought about a young man who is going to be running for Idaho Government.  He is running as the very first openly gay Republican in Idaho.  That alone is news worthy.  Yet, in Idaho right now, it is the Republicans that are blocking us from getting a hearing to add the 4 words to our Idaho Human Rights Act.  So this young man is running.  And he said he supports "adding the words" but would make religious and government organizations exempt.  Part of me is hopeful that this young  man is strong enough to be "out" and run for government in a state where Republican almost always = anti-gay.  But the other part of me really hurts for this young man.  How can he allow discrimination against himself at ANY level and be okay with it?  I have said before that people have a right to their religious beliefs (which includes thinking LGBT is a sin) and that no one is trying to change the churches with this bill.  We have churches that accept us and we can go there.  But to imply that  a Christian Book store could refuse service to an LGBT person because of their sexual orientation is completely wrong.  So my bleeding-heart kicks in for this young man who at some level thinks its okay to be treated like a second class citizen because of his sexual orientation.  My heart breaks for a young man who wants to run for government under the Republican umbrella who has put a lock down on ANY talks regarding the Adding of the Words that would protect him.

So yes,  I am a card-carrying, left-wing, bleeding-heart liberal and I am proud!  I am glad that I have a heart that aches for others and wants to see this world become a better more accepting place. I am happy doing my part to make this world a better place for our future.  If that's wrong, then I don't want to be "Right".

Non-Verbal Communication......

It comes in many forms and hand gestures....

Today's Add the 4 Words Action  had us holding signs in various traffic sites around town.  Today, Omi and I went to the Maple Grove overpass over I84 from 3:30-5:30 (by the time we left).  We stood on the overpass facing the West Bound traffic (the going home traffic), held signs that said Add the Words Idaho and covered our mouths.

The response was very interesting. These are the responses we got:

1) Honking for support
2) Waving and honking for support
3) Shooting the finger with one hand by the driver.
4) The driver using BOTH hands to shoot the finger at us (shouldn't one of those hands be on the steering wheel)?
5)  The hand fist pump out the window and honking with support
6)  The thumbs down..obviously no a fan
7) The motion you would give a fly as in "Shew fly dont bother me"
8)  The drive and the passenger each shooting the finger.
9)  Omi's favorite (The three bird salute)  2 from the passenger and one from the driver as he honked.

Then there were there "Woooohoooooooo"s (that is kinda verbal in a cave man sort of way).


We even had a Police officer stop at the top of the overpass with flashing lights, get out of the car and check on what we were doing.  She was very friendly and let us carry on.

We had semi drivers honk in support.  We had Cattle Haulers honk in support.  We had FedEx drivers honk in support.  We had mom's in mini vans, men in sports cars, men in red-neck(ish) trucks.

Then we had those exact same things with the opposite reaction.

It was a very interesting day on the overpass.

I have to say that between the supporters and non-spporters, the supporters won out.  The non-supporters shooting fingers at us just made us laugh.  (They are allowed their freedom of speech just as we are.)  But MOST of all were the ones who just drove by with NOTHING to say.  Those are the ones we need to reach.  We need to reach the ones who don't think this issue affects them.

I'm glad Omi and I went.  It was a fun event and I get to meet more fun people.  Another great day standing up for what I believe!

Add the Words Idaho!

Storytelling At Its Finest!

That is exactly what the Idaho Capitol got today!

I didn't catch the count of how many of us there were, but between 30 and 50 Add the 4 Words demonstrators marched up to the capitol ready to share our stories.

All though out this movement, the Legislators have been saying they want specifics. They way data.  They want numbers.  They want to hear the stories.  Yet, they will not give us a hearing.  There can  not be any real data to show them since LGBT is not a protected class, so WHO is going to collect the data? WHO do the LGBT community complain to in order to keep such data?

Since they have not given us a hearing of our own for us to share our stories with them. We decided to do a bit of storytelling on our own.

Actually, yesterday in the Idaho Statesman it warned, "Rumors flew around the Statehouse on Tuesday that organizers were planning a fresh drama in Round5, including talk of protesters bound in chains, dashing into traffic and bringing minor children who might require state child protective services while adults were arrested and booked."

Seriously? All of our protests have been peaceful.  No chains.  No danger.  Just people blocking passages and then when put under arrest for trespassing, the demonstrators have gone peacefully with the officers.  I am not certain where they got the info that we would chain ourselves together much less put children at risk!   There was also a warning that local businesses around the Capitol were told to call the Capitol State Police and/or security guards if they saw protestors approaching the Capitol building today (and one actually did).  

We are just a peaceful group of people wanting a hearing that has been refused us for 8 years.

Anyway, today it was decided that there would be no arrests.  We would walk peacefully, single file with our hands over our mouths into the Capitol building.  We would go into the cafeteria and sit at the tables (taking up as little room as possible) and write out our stories on pieces of paper.  We would remain peaceful, quiet, respectful and focused.  And that is exactly what we did.  We even made sure to purchase things from the cafeteria so that we were not "loitering".  

Gov. Otter even came into the cafeteria and sat with his back towards us and did not acknowledge the amount of people behind him who were peaceful and would like his respect and support.  We let him be.

We finished our stories.  Quietly, peacefully, respectfully and focused we marched up to the 3rd floor rotunda and lined ourselves up around the inner circle turning our faces into the rotunda.  One at a time, we told our stories loud enough to be heard on all 3 floors.  One after the other, we shared stories of discrimination, suicides, bullying, and our hope for the future and of equal rights here in Idaho.  Once we made it around once with our stories.  All at once, we passed our stories to the person to our right and in one voice we started sharing each other's stories.  We filled that capitol with our voices and our stories for  whole hour.  The legislators won't let us have a hearing and want to keep us silent, but today we would not let them.  Today we spoke out!

It was one of the most powerful things I have ever been part of.  I got to read several of my friends stories.  I got to give a voice to their stories. I got to give voice to the children who could not be there.   I got to give a voice to the children who have taken their own lives.  There were several times when I just burst out into tears from the emotion in the stories and the emotions around me.

Then precisely at 12:04.  We all stopped mid-story.  Silence.  Left hands over our mouths and we stood, silently, respectfully, focused and peaceful.  Then we collected our stories and quietly in a single file line walked out o the building, just as we had come in.  As we congregated on the steps of the capitol we were told our leader for the day was in a meeting with the head of the Senate.  We were hopefully that he was ready to give us a hearing. Instead, he wanted to know if we were leaving.  He wanted us out of there.  They had a big luncheon planned in the basement and he did not want them (from another country) to see (or hear) us.  If we came back in, we would be asked to leave..and likely arrested.  For what?  It's the people's building.  We were not blocking anything, and if we went in, we would be completely silent.  We had every right to be in that building.  But out of respect for what was happening, we decided NOT to re-enter the building.  But the threat of possible arrests for peaceful quiet demonstration is very frustrating.

Anyway, trying not to focus on the insanity of arrests.  Today, was a beautiful day of sharing stories.  And when I got home, I have found immense joy in people sharing their "Stand Up With Selfies" photos on Facebook...people from all over the worlds..standing in support of Human Rights in Idaho.  It doesn't get much better than that!  Join in the fun at Stand Up With A Selfie

Back Injury Update...going on 3 months....

Saw my favorite surgeon today!  I just love that man. I really do.  Aside from being brilliant he is fun to look at.

Anyway...He was none too please with the original back surgeon who did NOT put me on prescribed anti-inflamatories and just had me on over the counter stuff.  He was also NOT happy that he told me to do do noting and did not give me PT.

So, here's the new plan.  I start PT with Therapeutic Associates this Friday.  I also get to start ALL of my activities back up again.  I can run if I want.  I can belly dance and burlesque.  I can ride my bike. I can lift free weights and I can stand for hours on end at the Capitol building for Add the Words. I can even snowboard.  The idea.....do what I normally do and get PT and figure out if my daily life routines hurt.  If they continue to hurt by my next appointment on April 1st, then we talk surgery.

The type of disc injury I have currently is NOT the kind that will cause sciatica like I had the last time I had a ruptured disc.  However, it is also the kind that is possible to heal (which we have already heard) but it needs to be worked on.  If it does not heal on its own (with therapy) this kind of disc issue will cause moderate to severe back pain that can keep me from living my life the way I normally do.

So I guess this is good news.  I can at least get out and exercise and push myself and work up a sweat and get back to dancing!!!  Yay!!!  This makes me very happy. I need dance in my life!  I miss it terribly.  I also miss riding my bike and hitting the foothills and all of hose things I used to do.

Now if we can just get Tracy feeling better with his injury (that is still causing him major pain) and he has a cold to boot!  Poor guy. And if we could get the Idaho Legislature to give Add The Words a hearing, I would be ecstatic!!!!

Watch out belly dancing sisters.......I'm back in class tomorrow!!!  Bring it on!!!!!  I get to perform in April!  So stoked.  eeeks..that's a month away.  I gotta stop eating crap now!  *laugh*

For the 1st Time in Months.....

I went to church today.  I had no idea what was in store for me!

It has been a long time since I have been to church.  And today, I just felt like I needed to go.  I have been feeling all kinds of discombobulated spiritually which has not been helping my mental and emotional state.  My Faith is a huge part of who I am; it always has been.  I also know that if I am giving up so much of my energy for the Add The 4 Words cause, I need to fill up my soul in order to keep going.

As it turns out, my minister had been gone for a few weeks for knee surgery and today was her first day back.  That made me happy.  I love her!

She started to speak and started telling a story about the fear she felt while standing at the edge of a gang plank just before jumping off in a bungee jumping experience.  I know that feeling all to well.  That is EXACTLY what I had been feeling the morning before the protest that eventually led to my arrest.  As she spoke I felt as if she was speaking right to me.  It could have been ME up there speaking.  I tried diligently to take notes, but my short term memory sucks thanks to the brain injury so any quotes I have are rough at best.  But there is one I wanted to share.

The quote came from a book called Learning to Fall. "We all have the capacity to stand at the edge and break through the ordinary awareness or common mentality."

That is EXACTLY what it was like making that decision to put on my clothes, don the special tank top shirt that signifies that I am one that has agreed to be arrested for the Add the 4 Words cause.  I was standing at the edge..ready to break through the ordinary awareness and common mentality that this state  has.  This state thinks it is okay to discriminate and NOT protect the LGBT community, but no more!  I will not stand for it!  So I stood at that edge, and I held out my hands and I jumped!!!!

Today in church while Rev. Jackie spoke she called me out.  She had me stand up and recognized me as one of the people who have been arrested for standing in protest at the capitol.  My church clapped and cheered.  I received hugs.  I received a white carnation.  People thanked me for having the courage that they did not have.  And I wrestled.  I wrestled with the proper words to respond with.  People are thanking me, but its not about me.  It's about what is right.

Every week in church, there is a song that we sing and as we sing it, my heart is open wide and my hands are lifted up and I sing this prayer for guidance......."Use me, oh God. I stand for you, and here I'll abide as you show me all that I must do.  I used to think God was the sun.  God is the sun, but God's so much more than the earth or the stars or all of creation. God is creator all in all.  Needing us, to shine its light as me, as you.  So use me, oh God, I stand for you. And here I'll abide as you show me all that I must do.  Command my hands what must they do?  Command my life; its here for you.  God is the love that heals all creation.  God is creator, makes all things new.  God needs us to shine its light as me, as you.  So use me, oh God, I stand for you. And here I'll abide as you show me all that I must do."

As I make my decisions to continue going to these actions which I'm certain I will be arrested for again.  I do not jump blindly.  I am rooted in my faith.  I am rooted in the faith of my own experience.  I know that I am cared for and that I am safe.  I know what I am willing to do for this cause.  And when people thank me and tell me how courageous I am, I  have found my answer.  "You are welcome.  I will stand for you and I am your voice."   I know that my standing, is not ME standing.  I am simply a vessel.  It is me standing in place of all of those who can not.  I am standing for all of those kids who are taking their lives or who are considering taking their lives.    I am standing for all of those who fear that if *THEY* stand, they will lose their job or their homes.  I am standing for YOU!  I am standing for Equal Rights..whether you are LGBT or not, these are HUMAN RIGHTS that we all deserve and at some point in time, someone, somewhere stood for YOU.  So now, its simply my turn to pay it forward and stand for those who can not stand.  It is my calling.  It's that simple.

I stand at the edge looking into the unknown.  I really have no idea what the outcome is of these arrests (to me personally).  And yes, it's a bit scary. I stand on the edge and wonder how this will affect me.  How much money will this cost me (and my family).  Will I have to do actual time in jail because of this?  Will I be physically hurt during a protest?  How much will I (and my family) have to sacrifice?  Then the other question that comes back to me is, "What is the alternative if you do NOT jump?  How many more lives will be lost?  How many people will continue to be discriminated against?  How will change happen if everyone is too scared to jump?"  I am rooted in my faith, and I believe the others I stand with are as well.  We are rooted in the faith that this state is better than this.  That we ARE making a difference.

So the white carnation (that reminded me of Peace) that was given to me today in church is not for me.... it is for EVERYONE I stand with.  And more importantly, it is for the children who have taken their lives.  It is for the people of the LGBT community who feel hopeless.  It is a symbol of hope and peace.  And I share it with you all.

Idaho Lawmakers, How Do You Sleep At Night?

When so many people are suffering?  When teenagers in Pocatello are taking their own lives because they can not handle the bullying for being gay?  Tonight I heard of a 3rd young adult who tried to take his life in just a couple of weeks of Maddie.

My heart breaks.  It breaks for them.  And it breaks for what may come.  I grew up in Richardson, Texas in the 80's.  Richardson is just south of Plano, Texas.  In the 80's Plano was dubbed the suicide capital of America.  Numbers in the teens killed themselves in a very short time; this included the school counselor who could not handle what she was going through with these kids she could not help.  It was a horrible time to be a teenager.  And these suicides were NOT because of bullying.  At the time they were blaming it on being latch key kids to parents who were thinking more about making big bucks rather than spending time with their families.  It's a completely different reason for taking your life, yet the affect can be the same.  Once one teenager does it, then another and still another, it becomes "The thing to do".

So how can you sleep when you see the beginnings of what they call "cluster suicides"?  I went to bed and prayed for these kids in Pocatello.  I prayed for peace. I prayed for love  I prayed for strength.  I prayed for understanding and acceptance.  Yet, I could not sleep.  The weight of the children of Pocatello and the youth of Idaho weighs heavy on my heart tonight.  So, dear lawmakers, are you able to sleep?

What I don't understand is how our lawmakers can turn their heads to what is happening.  I have asked myself, "How would adding the 4 words to the Idaho Human Rights Act" change what is happening in Pocatello?  We keep using these kids as a reason to add these words, but how does that affect them?  And tonight as I was talking with my friend Kenneth, it became a bit more clear.  These kids are being bullied for their sexuality.  If they go to the teachers or the counselors looking for help and the teachers and or counselor believe their sexuality is wrong, then that child is not going to get the support they need. I'm not saying that is what is happening.  I'm just stating what has happened in my other friends lives and what could very likely be happening now.  LGBT children become marginalized and ignored and brushed under the rugs.  Their rights to be protected do not even exist.  If these words were added to the Human Rights Act of Idaho, the teachers and counselors would HAVE to act.  (You would think they would act just based on the bullying alone, but that obviously is not happening.)  It could also be that without these words, without these protections, the children do not feel safe enough to ask for help.    They may feel as though there is no protection for them anyway, so why bother?  So we keep losing children.

So Lawmakers of Idaho, how many more children have to suffer before you are willing to even take a hearing on the matter?  And how the hell can you sleep knowing that day in and day out, you ignore good citizens who stand in front of you reminding you that this needs to be taken care of for these children, and you choose to avert your eyes and look away and pretend those protesters do not exist.  You try to push through the lines of protesters to get your beloved Ag-Gag law rushed through.  You try to push through so you can get a law that legalizes carrying guns on college campuses pushed through.  But the very lives of our Idaho Youth mean NOTHING to you? How can you sleep at night?

You have said that we  have not given you enough proof of people being discriminated against and that is why you will not give us a hearing. Yet, Gov. Otter has allotted $1,000,000 to defend traditional marriage in the state of Idaho. Is $1,000,000 not enough reasons?  This isn't a marriage issue, this is just plain Human Rights!  What about my friend who will not be allowed to have her life partner buried beside her when she passes because they are a same sex couple?  What about my friend who was denied housing when the land lord found out they were a same sex couple?  What about the 9th grade lesbians who got singled out for "PDA" in a sea of inappropriate dancing by several other boys and girls in mixed and matched couplings?   Sure these things have happened over the years....but they are YEARS in which things have not changed!  The laws have not changed to protect these people.  When will enough be enough?

Tonight I was in a bar that was packed with hundreds of people who all supported Adding the Words.  We celebrated what we have done.  And we are fired up for what we still have to do.  We will not stop until these words are added.  We will not stop until our Idaho youth are protected and feel safe!  You may think we are inconveniencing you, but do you think its easy for us to put our lives on hold and take time off of work and be away from our families in order to get your attention?  Do you think its easy on our pocket books when you  have us arrested because you refuse to listen to us and would rather push us aside and take us away in handcuffs so you don't have to look at us any longer and keep ignoring us? Do you think having the handcuffs on our wrists is pleasant? Do you think we like the amount of money we are shelling out to bail ourselves out and to pay legal fees and fines?  Yes, we may be doing this to ourselves, but we are doing it because it NEEDS to be done.  SOMEONE needs to stand up for the future of Idaho.  If you, who we voted into office will not do it, then who will?  I apologize if we are inconveniencing you.  But maybe, if you would just take the time to LISTEN to us, we could end these protests and work together as a team to make this state a better place for all of us to live in!

We have one more week to really get you attention, and you can bet we will do just that.  I think we  have proven that already.  But please, when you see us, for once., do not look at us like,  "Oh no. There they are again!"  Instead look at us and see who we are standing for.  See the children who are BEGGING for help and acceptance and love!  We are their voices (even in our silence).  When you see us.. see them!  See the voices that are forever silenced because of fear and your lack of action to protect them.

Once again, I ask.... How do you sleep at night???

Post Arrest......

Still collecting my thoughts......

So yesterday, I wrote about what happened the day I got arrested.  And I said in that post that I didn't have words to express what happened.  Well, funny thing, I keep finding words, yet the words still seem so inadequate.

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a rather creative and profound moment that ended up with the question.  "If you were to die and be mummified, and then later excavated, what would the archeologists find in your sarcophagus?"  At first I thought they would find nothing in mine.  I mean. I never graduated from college.  I never did anything HUGE.   What have I done?  I have raised 3 beautiful children and loved countless others and I have accepted them as my own.  I have run  marathons and and ultra marathon.  I have won a couple of awards for community service.  So I guess pictures of my children, my race medals/bibs and my awards might be in there.  And those are big things.    I saw this quote above and it reminded me of that..."Above all, remember that you must build your life as if it were a work of art."  

People keep telling me how proud they are of me.  They keep telling me what an inspiration I am.  And I find it hard to accept.  I have learned to take compliments and appreciations. But this feels different.  It's one thing to get up and get dressed up and be pretty or to get on stage and perform well and have people appreciate you for those things.  But to me, standing up for Human Rights is different.  I guess I do have a choice to ignore what is going on, but to me its not a choice.  It's a necessity!

To me, adding the 4 worlds "Sexual Orientation" and "Gender Identity" to the Idaho Human Rights Act is not a choice.  And, to me, its even more important than the legalization of same sex marriage.  (I know that might sound kind of harsh, but please bear with me.)  We can choose rather or not we want to enter into loving committed relationships and whether or not we WANT to get married.  (And yes, I believe it should be legalized, but it is still a choice.)  The people of the LGBT community did not a get a choice in their Sexual Orientation or even how they identify in their Sexual Identity.   No one has been able to explain the medical/psychological reasons for the way human beings decide their orientation, but I know for myself I didn't get to choose to be straight or bisexual.  I just AM bisexual, no matter how much I tried to pray it away or wish it away.  So, here I am.  I am a bisexual woman (without choice) and I am unprotected by law.  I am not part of a protected class.  I can be fired, or not hired, because of my sexuality.  I can be denied services (medical, or other wise) due to my sexual identity.  I can be refused housing.  As a matter of fact, if my land lord saw me on the news standing up for my rights (or whatever), they could evict my family.  This is why I think adding the 4 words is more important (at this point) than legalizing same sex marriage.  I have had friends denied housing because the land lord found out they were a same sex couple.  I have watched teens be discriminated against and bullied by a vice principal because they were a same sex couple.  It happens, and it needs to END! Adding these words will do that!  It will give them an umbrella to protect them.  That is all we are asking.

How hard is it to add 4 words to an Act that is already created?  

My other thought process is that this should be a national thing.  Why are we  having to fight this on a state level.  Other states have these same issues.  WHY IS THIS NOT NATIONAL?  Why is this not something that is added to our National Human Rights wording?  This is something so simple and so basic and so HUMANE!  It makes no sense to me!  And when I think about it, I get so frustrated!  LGBT people are NOT second class citizens and they deserve the same protections as anyone else!  It is this belief that keeps those of us in Idaho getting arrested.  We believe so strongly in this cause.  We are focused on protecting and providing a better place for our LGBT children..to give them hope to stop the suicides that are happening.  But it's not just our children, its the adults too.  The problem with the children is that they do not always have the maturity and wisdom it takes to survive the kind of bullying and discrimination they are getting (while adults tend to have a bit more experience under their belts).  If our government won't stand up for them, who will?  I WILL!  I will keep getting arrested until Idaho creates the hearing to get the 4 words added!

*sigh*  I know.  I am getting rather passionate and wordy.... I'm taking a deep breath and trying to calm down.

So back to the arrest....

The day I was arrested we had several transgendered individuals with us.  One of them was my new friend Patrick.  I had not met Patrick until that day.  Actually, we didn't even introduce ourselves until our hands were off of our mouths and we were sitting next to each other in the Capitol Police office waiting to be processed.  He told me that as of April 15th he will legally be a male.  I congratulated him and asked if that was a physical change. He explained he does not have the money for the gender reassignment surgery, but he is taking male hormones and on the 15th of April his birth certificate and name will be changed to reflect he is a male.  I felt enormously happy for him.  What a huge challenge these transgendered individuals face.  But it wasn't until I was in the Ada County Jail with a group of women in one cell room that it dawned on  me.  "What do they do with the transgendered people?"  For some it might be easier to decide what to do because they obviously look male or female.  For others, it might not be as obvious from looking at them.  But more importantly, I thought about those transgendered people who Identify as one gender but still have he genitals of the opposite gender.  Now I realize, at this point, we were just in County Jail and we were not staying the night.  We were all put in cells together away from the general population or outsiders being arrested.  Patrick would be going home that night.  But I worried for him anyway.  How scary would it be to be a female to male transgendered individual still having female genitalia and being incarcerated in the male gen pop?  As it turned out, for Patrick, they didn't know where to put him.  So instead of him getting to hang out with the males of our group or the females of our group, he was put in a cell all on his own the entire time we were there.  For the few minutes I was alone in my cell, I was a bit scared and lonely.  I can't imagine what it must have been like for him.  But I did see the huge smile on his face when he was finally released and allowed out to hang out in the chairs with us and he proudly walked to the "male seating" area of this waiting room.  

Years ago, I used to go to these huge inspirational seminars. In the seminars the leader did his best to break down our walls and get us to become vulnerable and real with ourselves. What is really scaring us and keeping us from reaching our goals and our dreams.  Usually these things had some kind of "initiation ritual" that would push our boundaries and face our fears.  At the end of these things, we felt an enormous amount of personal growth.  That is what standing up at the Capitol and the arrest has done for me.  I am still feeling the growth consequences of these actions.  I am still trying to assimilate all that I am feeling and all hat I have learned.  

Several years ago, during Pride Week here in Boise, I was awarded a community service award for my work in the community.  It was HUGE for me because when I moved here in 2002, I swore I would live my life out of the closet and be proud of who I am and several years later, there I was during Boise Pride Week receiving an award for my service in my community.  However, only one part of my community service was being done for those in the LGBT community (and really it wasn't the LGBT community as much as it was the HIV/AIDS community).  I ran a women's retreat for women infected with the disease, and most of these women were straight.  I was encouraged by the people at this award ceremony to get more involved in my LGBT community once my time freed up from other things I had been doing.  Well I let go of the other things I had been doing and for the last 3 years just been focusing on myself.  I have been feeling quite alone and a little "in the wind" with no direction.  Until I decided to get involved with the Add The Words campaign.  This is where I am meant to be right now.  I am pushing my limits.  I am facing my fears.  I am accepting the challenges.  More importantly, I am standing for people who can not stand themselves.  I am speaking for those who can not speak for themselves (even if by speaking, I mean standing silently with my hand over my mouth.  Silence speaks volumes!)

Anyway, thanks for listening as I still process my experience.  And if you live in the Boise area, tonight, there is a fundraiser at the Lucky Dog Tavern on Fairview at 9pm to help raise funds for the legal campaign for those of us being arrested for Add The Words.  It will help with bail and fines.  It will be a fun event.  Please attend if you can.  If you can't, there are other ways to donate, you can click on this link:

Donate to Help the Legal Fund for Protesters

And if you don't want to get arrested and can spend your lunch hour on Monday, March 3rd, singing peacefully in the Capitol Building, please join me!

Singing for Add The Words