Grab a cup of coffee, sit down, buckle up, and hang on...this might be a long and bumpy ride through my thoughts......
Relationships on all levels fascinate me. None of us (even the staunchest of hermits) can go through this life without having some kind of relationship with someone (even if it was just your parents as you grew up). The relationships we have with people shape how we think and how we act. The relationships we had with our parents will shape the relationships we have with our significant others and (if we choose to have them) our own children. That is very basic. But it can get even more complicated than that. Some will say their relationship with a greater power affects their relationship with people on this plane. Some will say that their relationship with past lovers will affect relationships in the present and well as the future. Our relationships with our friends will affect relationships with other friends. Let's face it, no matter what we do, we create a ripple affect in the lives around us. We do not live on an island. We just don't. And even if we did, what we did on that island will eventually affect some one else on the other side of the pond that surrounds that island (even if you don't have a relationship with people, you have a relationship with this universe that we live in..with this planet..and no matter what we do, it will affect someone else). Yes, that is a very deep thought for a Friday. I realize that.
Anyway, I have been reading a book about relationships. I came across a new term.... "The Platinum Rule".
As children, when it comes to relationships, we are told to live by "The Golden Rule". "Do unto others as you would have them to unto you." When I was a kid, I was told this was found in the Bible and was a Christian belief. This is true. But it is also found in most of the world religions. It is not a RELIGIOUS belief, as much as it is a MORAL belief. While doing some research on this, I also found that this is the "positive form" and that there is a "Silver Rule" that states the "negative form": "One should not treat others in ways one would not like to be treated." (Thank you, Wikipedia). The thing is, as children (and even adults) we never realized that this rule we have been living by all of our lives is a pretty self-centered rule. Treating people how WE want to be treated. What if that person does't want to be treated in the same way you want to be treated? Yes, the general thought is, "You don't want to be treated badly, so don't treat them badly." But, even still, its about how YOU want to be treated. What if you treat yourself poorly? Are you going to treat someone else any differently?
There is actual marriage relationship advice out there that states something like this, "If you want your spouse to give you flowers, then you should in turn give them flowers. Then they will see this is what you want and how YOU give/receive love and they will act accordingly." (Meaning, give your spouse what YOU want, and they will in turn give it back to you.) Actually, this is a piece of advice that my mother in law gave me while I was still dating her son (way back when we were teenagers). She got this advice from some relationship/marriage book. And I have even read it in various places through out my marriage. This little gem has been passed around for decades! I have news for you, this does NOT work! My husband could care LESS about flowers! When I give him flowers, he is confused and he certainly wouldn't pick up on a passive aggressive hint like that. *laugh* Here is the problem with this piece of advise: it is selfish and doomed for failure. What if your spouse doesn't pick up on the hint? Then what? You are even more destroyed than you were to begin with. Chances are, like my husband, your spouse does not appreciate flowers the way you do. So it's a failure on 2 ends! YIPES! Truthfully, I have been married 25 years (we have been together 30), and this advise doesn't work!
Here is another way of looking at this. Since Christmas just passed, let's take a look at our gift giving practices at Christmas. Most of us can agree that while shopping for Christmas presents, we spend a great deal of time thinking about what the receiver of our gift would like to have. "What would make them happy?" We don't think, "What would make ME happy?" We buy them gifts that we think they would like. We might even ask them for a list of things they might like. And we shop accordingly. Correct? How ridiculous would it be for us to go out and buy them what WE want and give it to THEM? I can assure you that I would be over the moon if my husband paid for my race registrations for my ultra marathons as a Christmas gift. But he would be baffled, confused, and probably a little miffed if I bought him registration to these races for him cause he doesn't even run, and he thinks I'm nuts to do it myself! See what I'm getting at?
That is the basis of "The Platinum Rule". This rule was coined and described by Dr. Tony Alessandra. (His rule and thoughts were created in terms of business relationships, but are also very useful for personal/romantic relationships.) You can find his website on this subject here: The Platinum Rule. Basically it states, "Treat others the way they want to be treated." Instead of acting from a place of thinking about what *I* want and think, it shifts to understanding what *others* want. This is an act of compassion rather than selfishness.
If you are anything like me, you might be thinking, "But what if what the other person wants is harmful?" The same could be said for our own thoughts? If if what WE wanted was harmful? We need to use some commonsense here. We also need to get out of our own way. Who are we to judge what someone else wants? (As long as it's not something blatantly harmful.) When we act from a place of love for someone else, then we are only making things better. This is certainly a thought process worth playing with and exploring. Dr. Allesandra's website is a great read; I suggest you go to it and read further about this rule. I know I have enjoyed looking at my own life and my own relationships through these lenses. It has been eye opening and quite a challenge to my old thought patterns.
Here's to better, stronger relationships in 2014!!!!
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