When You See That Time Frame Window Closing Around You......

12 more weeks until the Pickled Feet 6/12/24/48 Hour Run where I had hoped to do 100 miles in 48 hours.

My training for this started out AMAZING!  Then I got bronchitis.  Then on top of bronchitis some deeply personal and emotional stuff happened and I felt myself bogged down by emotions.  I started emotionally eating and stuffing my face with foods that are seriously not good for me (like worse than usual).  Then we had to let go of our fur baby and that took everything out of me.  It has been such an emotional 2 months.  I can't even begin to explain what has been going on.  I tried to start training again, but things just kept getting in the way (or I let them, anyway).  Emotionally, I couldn't even get up off the couch.  I have not been this depressed and miserable in YEARS.  It has been a serious battle.

New Years Day, my back decided it wanted to go out.  To be fair, it has been threatening to for MONTHS.  As a matter of fact, it was hurting and threatening to go out way back when I was training for the Foothills Frenzy 50K.  I also pulled my left hamstring when I was training for that race.  I didn't seek treatment for either of these things.  Thanks to my TBI, I had used up all of my Physical Therapy appointments, and I did not relish the idea of paying out of pocket for these things.  I could have.  I just didn't want to.  That was my biggest  mistake.  So on January 2nd, I went to the Chiro.  I still had to pay out of pocket (until my deductible is met *sigh*).  He got my back to move, but the muscles were still tense.  So I decided to give it a few more days...till this Monday (yesterday).

Yesterday, I laced up my running shoes and decided to do 6 miles of WALKING.  I knew running would be pushing it, but I needed to get back to training.  As soon as I started walking fast, I felt my hamstring.  But I kept moving.  My back was feeling fine.  But my left hamstring and my left knee (the one I had surgery on back in 2012 and fell on again back in 2013) was starting to speak to me.  Really?  The last half mile of my walk, I had to stop and pick up Max's remains from the vet.  I carried that little box the rest of the way home.  Not being able to use that arm to swing and keep my body balanced cause my back to hurt.  Joy.

By last night, my back was hurting again and my neck was hurting so badly that my head was killing me.  My head hurt so bad and my face felt flush, I thought I was getting sick.  I literally stayed on the couch all night all bundled up hoping I wasn't getting sick.

This morning, I got up with my back hurting again (or still) and now my left hip hurts when I put pressure on my left leg.  It feels like my left hip is out.  *sigh*  I have to take a serious look at my training.  I have 12 weeks until this run, and with my body feeling the way it is right now, I do not see me getting my miles in this week.  So that will be 11 weeks (IF my body cooperates next week).  I really wanted to do 100 miles at that run in March.  I have 48 hours to do it in.  Do I think it is still possible to do 100 miles in 48 hours?  Yes.  Do I think it will hurt?  HELL YES!  Do I think it is worth it?  Of that, I do not know.  I do know that I do not want to injure myself...either in training for this race or in the race itself.

I find myself seriously questioning my goals and my method of doing things. I LOVE to run.  I LOVE to run the hills.  But this is January in Idaho.  We still have ice on the sidewalks around my house.  (I even slipped yesterday and about fell.)  The trails have ice or mud.  My friend just fell on one of my favorite run and landed on her back; if that had been me, I would have landed on my head.  I am terrified of bonking my head again.  The reality is, I NEED to exercise to stay healthy.  Exercising keeps me motivated to eat properly.  Not exercising makes me feel like a slug and I eat like crap and I gain 10# (which I have done this time around...right after I just lost it too!)

I look at the way my body feels after all of the training I did for my race back in October.  My body hurt.  I didn't take good care of it. I didn't get massages.  I didn't go to the chiro.  And it hurt.  And even training for this run coming up, my body feels like it has been hit by a mack truck.  Is it time to put running aside and focus on another form of exercise?  But what about my goals and dreams to do 100 miles, to be a finisher of the Idaho Trail Ultra Series in 2014?  How do I balance training for these races AND doing other forms of exercise to keep my body healthy (like yoga and cycling).  How do I train for races in the winter/icy conditions without risk of falling and banging my head (besides wearing a helmet when I run).  And what about my knee that hurts when I run..or even walk.

Is it time to put running aside and give myself a new challenge?  Every year, it seems I have a new goal or a new challenge to follow through with.  Is this current back issue a sign from my body?  Is my body telling me to do something else for a change?  What if I focused on yoga and dancing for the next year and only ran once a week once the weather gets better?  What if I focused on yoga and dancing and decided to only do ONE race this year instead of the 5 or 6 I was looking at?  Yoga would help not just my body but my mind and soul as well and would help my body in other ways that running just doesn't help with.

I'm really not sure what to do at this point.  But for right now... I am going back to my weight watchers meetings and getting a massage this afternoon.  I need to get my body feeling better before I can even consider anything else.

If any of you have any clarity on the subject, I would love to hear it :).  Thanks!