Learning To Live in a Judgment Free Zone

I saw this commercial this morning and it totally reminded me of the way I felt in Burlesque Class last night.  Actually, this is the way I have felt in any and EVERY dance class I have ever taken.  When I was 6 years old and then 9 or 10 years old taking Ballet, I felt completely out of place.  I was over weight, couldn't figure out how to wear my leotards, couldn't figure out the positions, and generally felt self conscious.  I felt completely out of place.  I didn't feel graceful at all.  When I look at my pictures from back then in my Swan Lake recital costume, I see a girl that is totally uncomfortable with herself.  I STILL feel like this in Belly Dance.  I don't feel like a graceful belly dancer.  I don't feel like a Burlesque dancer that just oozes sensuality.  Last night, was my first Burlesque class and we are learning a routine that might be performed in March.  At the end of class we separated into two group and performed the routine for each other.  (Remember, this was my FIRST class and first time with this routine.)  My group was up first and we danced.  Then I watched the 2nd group.  In both groups, we had a "veteran" classmate help/lead us through the routine.  I watched these girls dance, and they did fantastic!  One girl in particular just oozed sensuality and I thought, "Wow!  I wanna dance like her!"  And for a bit, I felt like "Wow!  I so do not belong here!"

When that thought hit me, I instantly said to myself.  "Do NOT compare yourself to this beautiful woman.   This is your FIRST burlesque class and day with this routine; she knows it and has had a chance to play with it.  Also, each individual has something special to give this universe.  Each person has something unique they can give to an audience.  Do NOT judge yourself. Be PROUD of yourself!  Look how far you have come!!!!"

Once they were done performing, we took turns giving each other appreciation for our performances.  (At this moment, I am so glad that I have been through storytelling class and coaching and learned how to take appreciations.)  The lone male in the class, told me that there is a particular spot in the choreography where my hands reach my hips and my hips move in a certain way that is very sexy.  That hip movement is not part of the choreography, but it is what feels natural to my body during that part of the music.  My body just wants to MOVE; it wants to put its own spin on the choreo.  And Frankie (our instructor) encourages us to play with it).  In that moment, I felt like "Yes!  There is hope!"  *laugh*

Of course, I know there is hope.  But for a 44 1/2 year old woman who has fought with her body image all of her life, it can be very difficult to look at it and accept it for being sexy and beautiful and amazing.  For a woman who has dealt with sexual assault, it can be very difficult to be the kind of person who is comfortable being and acting sexy.  Add those two things up, and its the perfect storm to want to hide under baggy clothes, sit on the couch eating bon bons all day and never get in front of an audience (even in a fat suit, much less revealing costumes and being sexy), we just want to hide and not be seen.  So, here I am.  On this weight loss journey, releasing not just pounds but limiting beliefs. Just last year, I was taking some boudoir photos and I came to the realization that I don't ooze sensuality, and I am more comfortable being the silly sexy girl than the sultry sexy girl.  So I know there is hope. I am getting more and more comfortable in my own skin.  Belly Dance has really helped with that.  And now Burlesque will take it a bit further.  I need to give myself permission to let go and love ME and let ME shine through no matter what I am doing.  If I can just let ME shine through, then no matter what dance or performance I am doing, it will be perfect!

So on to the numbers of a weight loss journey.  I did 2 weigh ins in the last week. One was for the St. Luke's Weight Loss Challenge and the other was for Weight Watchers.  Last Saturday, I weighed in for St. Luke's and I weighed in at 194.6.  Tuesday I weighed in at Weight Watchers and I weighed in at 197! YIPES!  I am not going to focus on those numbers right now.  But I will focus on the other numbers which I think are amazing.....  My blood pressure was 126/59 which is very good for someone who doesn't do crowds and was put into a crazy busy room with no room to move and standing in line for an hour!  And my blood glucose after eating just an hour before hand was 91 which is good considering it is supposed to be under 100 without eating!  Before I started this journey I had high blood pressure to the point of the doctors being worried about me and talking about  medication.  I was also pre-diabetic and should have been on meds.  So ya...I'm happy about these numbers!

My goal for this weight loss challenge that ends in June is to be down another 30#.

Since I have been struggling with counting points on Weight Watchers, I have deiced to kick start this part of my journey using the Simple Start plan which uses the Simply Filling foods and does not require counting points unless I eat special treats; then I get 49 weekly points to keep track of.  I have been trying new recipes and having fun with food again.  That is what I LOVE about this stuff.  I really do love to play with new recipes.  I have also gotten my daughter back in the kitchen; she cooked her first chicken breasts all on her own for the first time and she did great!  I'm drinking lots more water and far fewer diet sodas now.  But I did have freakin' chocolate donuts this morning.  *sigh*  It's okay.  It's just a bump in the road and I will not let it stop me from where I am going!  I realize the chocolate donuts are a way of me sabotaging all the work I have been doing...this gives me something to work on and get past.  It's a good thing.

Anyway....I am really working on living in a judgement free zone.  It's time to peel off another layer and let some shit go!!!!!!  As the song says, "This girl is on fire!!!!"  Onward and Upward!!!