Actually, this is going to be a serious blog, kinda deep, maybe disturbing and a bit long. And for my friends who were involved with James Arthur Ray, this may stir up emotional stuff for you so please consider whether you want to read further or not.
The other day a good friend of mine posted a Facebook thread about missionaries coming to his front door while he was not home and doing their missionary work with his 3 younger children 10 and under. My friend is an Atheist and is raising his kids in this thinking. He compared what the missionaries did with his children to child molestation. He said the missionaries came to his house and spoke to his innocent children (who are not being raised in a religious faith) and showed their religious penis to his children. Whether you agree with my friend or not, I found this interesting. Beyond the thoughts I had while reading his thread, I didn't really think much more about it (other than to tell Tracy and to think what my son Nick would say about this). I also considered how I would feel if missionaries came and spoke to my children if I were not home. I do not think that should ever happen. But really that is not what this is about...well until I had a dream the other night..
So Saturday night/Sunday morning I had some really crazy/creepy dreams. On Saturday night, while driving to a Halloween party, my daughter told me that she had her first kiss (ever) with her current boyfriend at the rollerdrome. She giggled and blushed and we talked some more about it. I made her promise to not be "one of those girls" who does this serious making out at the rollerdrome. Now because I do not skate at the drome on Friday nights (ever), I have never met this boyfriend of hers. She tells me he is 15, straight A student, plays all sports and makes HER feel kinda dumb, and she is brilliant! But in my dream Saturday night, I dreamt she was being seduced by a 30 year old man who lived like a bum in his parents back yard in a tree house. This 30 year old man found nothing wrong with just cuddling with 14 year old girls. He wasn't interested in sex, he just wanted to be their friends and cuddle with them. Creepy! I woke up and made a mental note, "Must meet Omi's new boyfriend!" Later, Sunday evening, I told Naomi about my dream and she laughed and then gave me her boyfriends full name so I could stalk him on Facebook. *laugh*
The other part of my dream that had me a bit weirded out was a dream with James Ray in it. When I used to work with him and go to his seminars, it was not uncommon for him to be in my dreams. Actually, if there was a seminar he was leading and I was not attending, I would dream about that seminar. I would know details about that seminar (that I had never attended) because of my dreams. Those dreams lead me to do some spiritual research that I had never before been interested in, all because of a dream I had during that seminar weekend. 3 years ago, when there were 3 deaths and several injuries in a sweat lodge that James was leading in Sedona, Arizona, I had some crazy dreams about him back then. I had lost one of my friends in that sweat lodge. Several of my friends were hurt in that lodge. And my spiritual community was rocked deeply (well actually shattered beyond belief). Friends were at odd with each other. Some stood with James while others were so far gone and hurt by him. It was definitely a camp divided/shattered.
Several people believed James was cult leader and we ("his followers") got sucked in and seduced by him. They believe we got seduced by his words, his music, his dancing, his books, his hypnotherapy, the energy he created, his promises......... I am not certain if this was the truth or not. Yes, there were some signs of a cult in his higher ranks, but did *I* fall into that? Had *I* gotten seduced by this man? I would like to think not, but I also know the way I felt after the sweat lodge deaths. I felt as though I had lost my entire family. I felt betrayed. I felt hurt. Did I ever believe James was the be all and ed all? No. I never did. Did I believe he was human ad made mistakes, yes! I was witness to his humaness up close and personal.
When my community shattered, I kinda fell in between the two camps. I neither stood by him nor did I hate him and wish him ill. It took me a while, but I came to a very healthy place regarding James. Working with James really helped me grow and for that I am eternally grateful! I would not be who I am today if I had not attended his workshops and learned what I learned!
Do I think he made a wrong turn somewhere and got caught up in his ego so much that he allowed my friends to die? Yes, I think that probably happened. I was there when his ego blew up. I worked closely with him. I was his body guard/point person. He may or may not have been spiritually seducing us, but I know for certain he used his place of "power" and "seeming wealth" to romantically seduce women. (I had to pass notes back and forth between him and women with phone numbers or meet me later messages.) I didn't think any thing about it. He was a handsome man and he was single. He worked all the time. And if this is where he was going to meet women, then fine. Who am I to judge?
Anyway, I haven't thought about him for a couple of years...since he was sent to prison after being found guilty of negligent homicide. So when I had a pretty creep (and sexual) dream about him early Sunday morning, I was shocked and could not figure out WHY he had been in my dreams.
Through out the day, it had haunted me so much, that I decided to google him and see if something had happened with him recently. Did he just get released? What else would cause a ripple in the universe to cause me to dream about him. What I found out was he had been released early from prison on July 11th. But then, I also realized that the 3rd anniversary of my friends death in the sweat lodge was just 12 days before my dream. I also saw the prison release photo taken of him. He looks to be a shadow of the man I used to work with and love.
After not really finding anything out on him or why I was dreaming about him. I just sent a silent prayer his way. I do feel a great deal of compassion for him. The same way I feel a great deal of compassion for my father who raped and molested me when I was a child. I just closed my computer and decided to watch TV with the hubby.
We ended up watching an episode of Elementary (a Sherlock Holmes series). This particular episode dealt with children who murdered their fathers who had been sexually abusing them. It was very emotional and kind of tense. Because of my history of sexual abuse, I do not usually watch these things. But to be fair, these types of things have not bothered me in YEARS. I have done so much healing work around the abuse, that it doesn't usually register with me anymore. But last night's show really got to me. And I *think* it was because of my dream about James.
Like I said, the dream with James in it was sexual. He was trying seduce me in my dream..in a very creepy kinda way. (Something he NEVER did in real life.) So I started to wonder, "What is my brain working on that brings this all up?" I am a completely different person than I was when I was being raped and taken advantage of (by more boys/men than just my father). For that matter, I am a completely different person than the person who first heard James speak and fell in love with the way he could tell a story and capture the audience and "seduce" them. I am not the same gullible, will believe anything you tell me person that I used to be. I have grown. I have healed.
After watching that show and thinking about my dream some more, I realized the reason James was probably in my dreams on Sunday morning. I HAD just been thinking about him (without really realizing it). Friday, when I did my Polecat run, I had been thinking about my running journey. The anniversary of my very first marathon is coming up (Nov 6). I had run it in 2006. I had set that goal in April of 2006 while at my first James Ray seminar. I had just broken throw a piece of wood. I was feeling like anything was possible, including completing a marathon in less than 6 months (when I couldnt' even walk a mile without serious pain). I did finish that marathon in 2006. And I swore I would NEVER do that again, but now look at me! I'm an ultra marathoner and training for more including my first 50 miler! That likely would not have happened if I had not met James Arthur Ray. And I am eternally grateful for those lessons I learned while working with James. Did he seduce me into some kind of cult? I don't think so, but even if he had, I found my way out of it and I am grateful for the lessons I have learned. I am grateful to the man for being a conduit for me just as I am grateful to my father or the lessons I learned from him.
Maybe the dream was just a dream. Or maybe it was something more. I have no idea. But I will say, if you have actually read this far, please be aware of your path. Be aware of the people you allow into it. If you are into the self-help or new age belief stuff, please be conscious about who you decide to listen to and HOW MUCH you decide to listen to them. Always be responsible for yourself and NEVER give some one else power over you. Power (in all of its forms) can be seductive...whether it's a new age guru, a conservative christian minister, an Atheist zealot, or just some rich person who promises you the world, or even your parents. Only YOU can take care of you. You have a brain, use it. Question everything and make up your own mind.
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