Modern Day Teenage Romances....

Just one mom's perspective on teenage romance and heart break......

From the days gone by of passing notes in school and long curly phone cords that wrapped around to the next room to the modern day texting and skyping, relationships and heartbreaks remain the same but with a different frame around them......

Recently I have watched my 2 children at home go through some break ups and heart breaks.  As a mom, all I want to do is protect my children.  I want to hug them and tell them it is okay and it won't happen again, but we all know that it WILL happen again.  Only, it won't just be their sweet hearts, it might be their best friends or the death of their fur babies, or who knows what else.  And once again, I will want to be there to put my arms around them and protect them from the pain.  Yet,  I know that pain is what will build their character,  help them learn and grow, and hopefully not make them jaded to love and trust again.  And at times, I'm not going to lie, all I have wanted to do was reach out and touch the person who broke my child's heart.  (But that's just the mama bear in me and since I couldn't hurt a fly,  that certainly isn't going to happen....but sometimes the thought is entertaining.  I will say, however, that the older they get and the deeper the pain caused, the one who caused the pain is less likely to get a warm reception from me the next time I see them.)

All of this brings back memories of my own teenage heart breaks gone by.  Both the ones where my heart was hurt and the ones where I did the hurting.  I wonder how my parents felt, or how the other parents felt.  I also wonder how technology plays into the heart ache as opposed to how it played out back when I was a kid and all we had were push button phones and notes we hand wrote ourselves and passed around in school.

I remember having big crushes on boys (before Tracy came along).  Most of these boys didn't reciprocate my feelings, but there were a few who did.  

I was a bonafide "rink rat".  From a very early age, I lived in the Thunderbird Roller Rink.  I took lessons on Saturday morning, skated the Saturday afternoon sessions and every Friday night, I was there skating with my friends.  I LIVED in the roller rink.  I knew everyone who worked there and everyone who skated there.  I had the biggest crush on the DJ who had this amazing 1970's afro and wore the best double knit bell bottoms and crazy patterned blousey shirts.  His name was Elmer.  He was in high school and he was my skating instructor.  He could dance like none other on skates.  My heart broke when I met his girlfriend.  *sigh*  But that is okay.  Friday nights, I had a steady roller skating boyfriend.  His name was Reid.  Everyone knew we belonged together. Every couples' skate was ours.  This went on for years.  It didn't make a difference how much bullying I went through in my every day life, at the roller rink I was queen.  I could dance.  I was the fastest girl on skates and I had a boyfriend!  Till one day, I didn't.  He broke up with me for a girl who was older than me.  And my heart broke.  To be honest, I do not remember much about my heart break, except that I know it hurt. I do not remember anything about how my mom handled it or what she might have said to me.

In 6th grade I was "going with" (what we called it back in my day) a boy named Maximo. He was from the Dominican Republic and couldn't speak a lick of English, and I couldn't speak a lick of Spanish.  Well, okay, I could count to 10 in spanish and that is exactly what I did around him.  (Like a peacock showing off its beautiful feathers, I would spin around on the wooden prayer alters in the front of the church with Maximo beside me and I would count....uno...dos...tres..... showing him that I could speak his language, or at least try.)  In order for us to get this far in our "relationship" we had to depend on his cousins to help us communicate (for the most part). Language barrier be damned, we knew we liked each other and that was all we needed.  At Christmas he gave me a huge candy cane with a Christmas card in which he hand wrote, "Happy Christmas and Merry New Year!  Love, Maximo"  Broken English at its finest.  All was right in my world.  We had been "going together" for a couple of months.  We only saw each other in church on Sundays and possibly Wednesdays.  When our church group went out Rollerskating, I was excited to play the part of the peacock again, and show off my amazing skating skills.  I NEVER fell.  I was a dancer!  I was trained in figure skating and I could disco skate and I LOVED to dance! And I was fast. No one could beat me in a race.  I was a double threat!  *laugh*  But best of all, I got to couple skate with him.  We held hands and we skated.  Maximo did NOT know how to skate.  He was a little like watching a baby horse learn to stand up on all fours right after being born.  He was very wobbly to say the least.  When we were couple skating, something happened and he fell, making me fall  too.  That was it. It was over with.  I didn't care how much I liked him or how much he liked me.  No one makes me fall.  I broke up with him.  My mom was none to happy with me for breaking up with a boy because he couldn't roller skate and made me fall.  Maximo was the sweetest boy.  He went back to the Dominican Republic shortly after that, but I was constantly asking when he would return.  There was just something about him.  As a matter of fact, I continued having dreams about him well into my 30's until I finally found him again via the internet and we exchanged a few emails.  He remembered the card he wrote me and we laughed.  I'm still friends with his cousins on facebook, and all the old memories make me smile.  But I know that at one time, I broke this boy's heart over something so very silly.

There were other boys between Maximo and Tracy.  One broke up with me cause I kicked his butt in our Tae Kwon Do class.  It wasn't my fault that we were the same size and our instructor matched us up and Tim insisted on wearing his tight tight jeans instead of a gui.  *laugh*  How did he expect to move and kick in those jeans???  This was a boy that I had been crushing on for a couple of years.  We spent almost every day together riding our bikes after school.  But then all of a sudden, he wanted nothing to do with me cause I kicked his butt in class.  *laugh*  He is another boy that I dreamed about well into my 30's and even my 40's until I found him on Facebook and I knew he was "okay".   I know when he broke my  heart, I cried.  But again, I do not know what my mom knew or how she reacted.  There were other boys from my church that I crushed on and I had my heart bruised if not broken.  It happens.  What's a girl to do?

Then came Tracy.  In the nearly 5 years of dating before we got  married, we broke up 4 times.  3 times, he broke up with me (none of them lasted more than over night).  He broke up with me cause of other girls.  He liked other girls. He kissed other girls. His mom was strongly encouraging him to date other girls and NOT me, so to make her happy he would go out with the other girl, kiss her, then feel horrible and break up with me.  We cried and cried and cried each time he did that.   It was heart wrenching.  But the next day, he would call and we would get back together again.  I'm certain my mom saw me crying.    I'm certain she must have hurt for me.  But when Tracy and I got back together again, she never said a word.  Then years into our relationship, after I had accepted the promise ring that meant we would eventually get engaged (when we were old enough..cause Tracy proposed to me at 15 years old), I broke up with Tracy.  It was my turn to crush his heart.  I had a crisis of conscience.  I was good Christian girl and being sexually intimate was killing me.  I didn't want to go to hell.  I couldn't keep asking for forgiveness and then sinning all over again. I knew it wasn't going to stop, so breaking up was the only thing I could do.  It killed me.  It killed him.  But to be fair, it killed me just a little less, cause I started dating a boy I had met at church camp right after I broke up with Tracy.  *laugh*  I had made my decision to break up with Tracy while I was at church camp, and this boy worked at the camp and listened to my woes all week long.  Little did I know, that while he was listening to my woes, he was plotting against me. While I thought he was "coming to God" and supporting me in my quest to become virginal again, he was really thinking, "If I can get her to break up with her boyfriend and start dating me, then I can get her to have sex with me!"  PIG!  *laugh*  Anyway, it didn't take long for me to figure out his plan and my response to him was..."If I am not going to have sex with a boy that I absolutely love and had planned to marry, WHY would I have sex with YOU????"  Ya, that relationship didn't last.  I missed my Tracy and this new boy found a girl who would give him what he wanted.  Tracy and I got back together a month later and have not been apart since.

I KNOW I shattered Tracy's heart. And I KNOW his mom knew.  She didn't like me much anyway, so I can only imagine how much LESS she liked me after shattering Tracy's heart.   Ironically, I really thought I was doing what was best for our eternal souls, yet I was blamed for Tracy's fall out with his Christian faith.  *laugh*

Fast forward.....my kids are grown up and dating.  I have watched my children in relationships.  I watched when Nick had his heart shattered and there was nothing I could do for him.  But He did come to me one day and talk it out with me and ask my advice. It was the best conversation I have ever had with him (or at least the one I will remember the most), and I am so grateful to have been able to have that conversation with him.  Recently, I have watched Nate get his heart squashed and handed back to him on a silver platter.  This kind of heart break, I can not even begin to understand as it was about more than just some girl, it was about losing the girl and two little boys he counted as his own.  I am not going to lie and say I did not want to hurt the person who caused my boy so much pain.  Yet, I also have to say that I was a bit relieved; I supported my son and his decisions but I knew the hard work that was ahead if he had stayed in that relationship.  Then there is Omi girl.  Aside from her 5th grade boyfriend, who lasted several months if not the entire school year, her "relationships" last about a week maybe 2. Each break up she tells me about. She is a bit sad but usually doesn't cry too much.  She would tell me, "Mom, he broke up with me, but it's okay.  I'm fine." And there would be no tears.  She would just bounce right back up.  Until this last one.  This last boy she has liked for quite a while, and he finally asked her out.  These days they call it "going out" or "dating" even if there is no actual dating  happening.  Like her mom, Omi is a rink rat.  But I have seen her.  There is much more sitting and socializing than there is actual roller skating happening. *laugh*  She was finally dating the boy she really liked.  And she even got her first kiss from this boy.  She told me about her first kiss and giggled and blushed.  It was too cute.  And just this past Friday we went in to meet this boy and he walked her to the doors of the rink to say goodbye.  He held her in his arms and she looked up at him.  I saw the look of complete smitten-ness in her eyes. Yup, she had it bad.  Then two days later, she comes out of her room in tears.  The boy had broken up with her.  When I asked her why, her response, "Because he likes someone else."  *sigh*  All I could do was hold her and let her cry.  I do believe that if she had not kissed him, this would not have hurt so much, but alas, the first kiss was given.

So where does technology fit into all of this?  I have no idea how this boy broke up with Omi.  He lives a good 20 minutes, maybe even 30 minutes away.  I know that the two of them skyped each other almost nightly. (When I was a kid, we would talk on the phone and stare at pictures of our sweeties or just remembered what they looked like.  If you were lucky, you had a stuffed animal that your sweetie gave you that you got to hold onto and cuddle with while you talked to your heart's desire.)

Now they have phones that take pictures and can be sent to each other. They have computers to skype or facetime so they can see each other when they talk.  Half the time they don't even talk on the phones, they just text each other.  Did this boy, call her voice to voice to break up with her?  Did he text her?  Did they skype to break up?  I don't know.  But back in my day, it was done face to face.....or sometimes in a note that was passed around by friends.  (Which I guess isn't any worse than a text.)  But then there is the ever rotating relationship status on facebook.  One week they are in a relationship and the next they aren't and the whole world sees it.  Or one week it says a girl is in a relationship with Tom and the next week it says Randy.  *laugh*    I'm sure its just the kids way of shouting to the world.."Hey I got a boyfriend/girlfriend!"  Isn't that the first thing we used to do when the boy of our dreams asked us to go with them? We jumped on the phone and we called all of our friends.  But now, the kids don't have to make a bazillion phone calls, they just have to change their relationship status on facebook.  Maybe it's a time saver.  But I just see it as something a little strange and odd.  Maybe it's the old fashioned person in me who thinks stating you are in a relationship the minute a boy ask you to "date" him is a bit premature; maybe you should wait until that "relationship" last more than a few days?  I also might be a bit jaded.   If you are constantly changing your relationship status to "in a relationship" with a different person every other week, won't the bullies of the world start talking?  Why give them ammunition?  Back in my day, if a girl went from boy to boy, she would get a reputation that is hard to live down.  Does that same thing happen with the changing of the relationship status on facebook?  I don't know.

Man for the fist time in my life, I am feeling a bit "old" when it comes to technology and modern relationships. *laugh*  I long for the days of notes that get passed through a chain of friends through school. I miss the days when you had one phone line in a house and if you wanted any privacy during a phone call, you had to hope and pray your parents bought the longest curly cord possible so it would reach around the corner to the next room away from listening ears and you hoped and prayed no one picked up the receiver that was in the other room!

Awwww, here's to love...the joys and the heartbreaks.

Pre-Mature Blogging......

It happens, get over it.

This week isn't really over with yet (thus the premature blogging), but I really wanted to blog today. I have stuff in my head!  *laugh*  Besides, for the most part, I am done with my training for the week, so I think it's safe to blog.

This was my first week with the new training plan.  According to my plan, for the first week, I have 2 rest days (Friday with total rest and Sunday with active rest) and I should get in 20 miles.  I have been playing and tweaking with things trying to figure out what works and what doesn't.  This is really the first time I have tried to follow a plan like this.  I have followed marathon training (almost to a T) and with my 50K training I tried to keep up with (with the exception of my injury breaks).  But both of those plans were just mileage plans and not really the strengthening stuff.  (Even if I did do dancing, skating, and weight lifting in the mix of it all.)

Anyway, this week went pretty well I think.  My mileage, as it stands right now, is 18.98 miles for the week.  So I'm just 1.2 miles behind the minimum goal.  I want to go for a walk with Tracy this weekend to look at the pretty fall leaves, so I will get the miles in.

As for the strength training days, I have been doing the recommended squats and stuff.  I have also incorporated Yoga.  Like I mentioned before, I did not like the YogaX so I went out and bought a Gaiam Yoga for Beginners DVD.  I did the 20 minute work out yesterday morning.  It's funny.  The 15 minutes of YogaX about killed me and the 20 minutes of this beginner's Yoga was like nothing.  I feel like I need to meet somewhere in the middle.  Just not sure where that middle is!  I also do some extra stretching on these days.

Ya know, I find it really "easy" to follow the physical part of a training regimen, but the food part I just rebel against.  That is the only way I can describe it.  I have all kinds of dedication and stick-to-itiveness when it comes to working out, but food?  Don't leave an open bag of Goldfish around me!!!  I gotta get that reigned in!  I need to create  a food plan and stick to it!

So what has it felt like to stick to this training regimen?  My body feels sore!  To be fair, the training regimen says that TODAY (Friday) should be a rest day, with my Long Run being tomorrow with an active rest day on Sunday to follow.  However, I don't like to do my long runs on Saturdays if I can avoid it.  I like to spend time with my family.  Although, to be fair an 8-10 mile run on a Saturday would not take away much time from my family.  So maybe I need to be really honest here.  I like to sleep in all cuddled up with my hubby, and rolling out of bed on a cold Saturday morning to go outside and run just doesn't sound like as much fun!  *laugh*  There.. I've said it.  It's out in the open now!

So today, without a rest day, I went out on a "Long Run".  It was only 8 miles in the foot hills with 1,170 ft elevation gain in 2:27 hours.  But since my longest run this week was only a little over 5 miles, this fits the bill as a long run.  The training plan also says my long run should be 60 to 90 minutes for the first week.  *laugh*  I don't think my mileage and their timing are going to equal out!  *laugh*  But in terms of a 50 Mile Race or in any ultra marathon, the most important thing is time on you feet.  Anyway, today, I went out for that Long Run without a rest day and my legs were very tired and sluggish to begin with.

I went with my friends Mary and Kim for Kim's 50th birthday.  Mary planned the route which took me to trails I have never been on.  It included a trail called Sidewinder that had some pretty serious climbs that I'm not certain my body and mind were really ready for.  However, I did find myself running more up hills than normal.  Kim is a bit faster than me and I decided to push myself to keep up with her.  Actually, I think we make a pretty good running match.    It was a truly beautiful day to be out there running.  And as usual the Boise Foothills are just amazing!  I'm so blessed to have them as my play ground and training grounds!  Even feeling a bit sluggish, this pace was at a little over a 16 minute/mile pace for us and that was with some stopping to remove jackets and such.  So all in all, even with feeling sluggish, I think we made pretty decent time for the 8 miles we were out there for.  We did an out and back. so all of that climbing meant we got to run down hill on the way back to the cars.  I love running down hill :).

After my run, I came home and stretched in the hot shower (like I normally do) but my body is still feeling pretty sore.  My plan is to rest this weekend with either Saturday or Sunday as a day to go for a little, easy hike to look at the pretty trees....probably Sunday. My legs need to rest.

The jury is still out on my crazy looking shoes.  They now have 25.32 miles on them.  They need a good 20 miler to see if they will keep my feet blister free.  (That 20 miler is scheduled for next Friday with the girls.)   Anyway, the great news is, they are finally dirty and they look like trail runner shoes now!  Yay!!!!  I love when my running shoes get dirty!

One last final thought.....

Yesterday, I was talking to Tracy about the new shopping center/mall that was built in Meridian, Idaho.  It's called The Village and it has a few upper-end stores and restaurants like The Loft and Kona Grille.  Tracy asked me if I was gonna go shop there.  And honestly, I don't think it looks like any big deal really.  AND, I do not shop at The Loft.  Actually, we have that store in the local mall a few miles away from home and Naomi and I go in there and laugh at the prices.  I laughed and joked with Tracy, "I raised our daughter right!" (In reference to not wanting to pay for over priced clothing.)  Yes, there are some things I am willing to pay good money for, but really, I just do not see the need to spend $100 on a pair of pants (on a regular basis).  I LOVE a good bargain!  However, with that said, I am more than willing to spend $100 on a pair of running shoes or running tights or a nice running jacket. *laugh* "You might be a runner if.......your running clothes are more expensive than your regular dress clothes."

Have a great day everyone!!!

Getting Faster and Feeling Beat Up......

Just another day of training *laugh*

So I have started a new training plan with the 50 Mile run in March in sight.  Between now and then, there will be a 50K trail race in there, but I'm pretty certain this training plan that I am using will work for both races.  Here is the first paragraph of my training plan that I will  use for the first 6 weeks (this week being week 1).

"BASE:  6 weeks
You can begin with only 20 miles per week, but build to 35 miles before starting the next phase.
MON:  Easy run Start with 3 miles and work up to 5 or 6 by week 6.
TUE:  Strength workout 10 minutes of abdominal work, plus 1x12 reps of squats, lunges, calf raises, dips, and bench presses.
WED:  Easy run 4 to 5 miles, adding a few hills each week.  By week 6 the run should be mostly hills. This can either be a continuous run on hilly terrain or repeats on one short, steep hill.
THU:  Strength workout with Optional 30 to 45 minutes of low-intensity cross-training (XT) or easy running.
FRI:  Rest
SAT:  Long, slow run.  Start with 60 to 90 minutes and add 15 to 30 minutes each week.  IF your race is off-road, do this run on trails.  After 6 weeks, this run should cover 12 to 14 miles.
SUN:  Rest or walk/jog 2 miles."

This seems like a smart plan to me.  Especially since I just completed my first 50K 2 1/2 weeks ago.  I may have a tendency to over train and not let my body rest.  I let it rest for a week and a half but then right back to 6 miles on the trails (which I think is okay).  But I am very tempted to go do 20 miles this weekend with some friends, and I do have a 22 mile run planned for NEXT week. *laugh*  Anyway, I think starting at these lower mileage weeks will help my body to continue to rest while I build back up to the peak.  Also, I have not been very good about incorporating strength training into my training routine (or stretching for that matter).

So my plan is to follow this schedule relatively closely.  This past Monday I ran 5 1/2 miles or so.  Yesterday, I did 15 minutes of yoga, 12 squats, 24 walking lunges (12 on each leg), 12 calf dips/raises on my stairs), 75 crunches, and 10 push ups.  I also did an hour of belly dancing.

Today, I did my first road running in over a year.  I did a 5K, my fastest 5K in 41:01 with a 13:13 pace.  During this run, I also started a new pacing procedure I plan to use for my 50 mile race.  Since the 50 mile race will be on flat trail, I decided to use the 5 minute run 1 minute walk pacing routine.  So today that is what I started.  It was hard.  I mean genuinely hard.  I am not entirely certain why.  Maybe it's because it's the road which is more jolting on my body. Maybe it was because it was all in my mind.  Maybe it was because it was more flat and up hill rather than lots of fun down hills (so I had to work harder than my running on the down hills on the trails).  So a 13:26 pace on a trail (my last 5K pace) will have LOTS of down hill that has me running faster on the downhill making up for the slower up hills, but the 13:13 pace on the street has me running mostly flats with a few up hills that *might* lead to a gradual down hill, but not necessarily since I turn on to different streets at the tops of these hills.  So I am working harder for that 13:13 pace than I am for that 13:26 pace.  Anyway, I think that it may be a combination of my head games and the road.  Either way, I did my fastest 5K today and I will get used to the 5:1 routine in time.

Today, my body is feeling pretty sore. Almost as sore as it felt after my 50K.  I am not sure why.  Though I think it was the road mileage and the yoga from yesterday *laugh*.

And since I did NOT like YogaX yesterday (I have NEVER liked that program, even when I was doing P90X on a regular basis), I decided to purchase a new yoga program that is geared for beginners that includes a 20 minute program for the mornings and a 15 minute one for the evening and a 40 minute pose instructional program.   I think the 20 minute morning program will be perfect for my Tuesday/Thursday training days.

I have also been keeping up with my training log.  I really like it.  I am able to log about how I am feeling about my training and keeping track of the mileage of my shoes, which I am still really liking.

Seduction....Sexually and Spiritually....

Now that I have your attention....  *laugh*

Actually, this is going to be a serious blog, kinda deep, maybe disturbing and a bit long.  And for my friends who were involved with James Arthur Ray, this may stir up emotional stuff for you so please consider whether you want to read further or not.

The other day a good friend of mine posted a Facebook thread about missionaries coming to his front door while he was not home and doing their missionary work with his 3 younger children 10 and under.  My friend is an Atheist and is raising his kids in this thinking. He compared what the missionaries did with his children  to child molestation.   He said the missionaries came to his house and spoke to his innocent children (who are not being raised in a religious faith) and showed their religious penis to his children.  Whether you agree with my friend or not, I found this interesting.  Beyond the thoughts I had while reading his thread, I didn't really think much more about it (other than to tell Tracy and to think what my son Nick would say about this).  I also considered how I would feel if missionaries came and spoke to my children if I were not home.  I do not think that should ever happen.      But really that is not what this is about...well until I had a dream the other night..

So Saturday night/Sunday morning I had some really crazy/creepy dreams.  On Saturday night, while driving to a Halloween party, my daughter told me that she had her first kiss (ever) with her current boyfriend at the rollerdrome.  She giggled and blushed and we talked some more about it. I made her promise to not be "one of those girls" who does this serious making out at the rollerdrome.  Now because I do not skate at the drome on Friday nights (ever), I have never met this boyfriend of hers.  She tells me he is 15, straight A student, plays all sports and makes HER feel kinda dumb, and she is brilliant!  But in my dream Saturday night, I dreamt she was being seduced by a 30 year old man who lived like a bum in his parents back yard in a tree house.  This 30 year old man found nothing wrong with just cuddling with 14 year old girls.  He wasn't interested in sex, he just wanted to be their friends and cuddle with them.  Creepy!  I woke up and made a mental note, "Must meet Omi's new boyfriend!"  Later, Sunday evening, I told Naomi about my dream and she laughed and then gave me her boyfriends full name so I could stalk him on Facebook.  *laugh*

The other part of my dream that had me a bit weirded out was a dream with James Ray in it.  When I used to work with him and go to his seminars, it was not uncommon for him to be in my dreams.  Actually, if there was a seminar he was leading and I was not attending, I would dream about that seminar. I would know details about that seminar (that I had never attended) because of my dreams.  Those dreams lead me to do some spiritual research that I had never before been interested in, all because of a dream I had during that seminar weekend.  3 years ago, when there were 3 deaths and several injuries in a sweat lodge that James was leading in Sedona, Arizona, I had some crazy dreams about him back then.  I had lost one of my friends in that sweat lodge. Several of my friends were hurt in that lodge.  And my spiritual community was rocked deeply (well actually shattered beyond belief).  Friends were at odd with each other. Some stood with James while others were so far gone and hurt by him.  It was definitely a camp divided/shattered.

Several people believed James was  cult leader and we ("his followers") got sucked in and seduced by him. They believe we got seduced by his words, his music, his dancing, his books, his hypnotherapy, the energy he created, his promises.........  I am not certain if this was the truth or not.  Yes, there were some signs of a cult in his higher ranks, but did *I* fall into that? Had *I* gotten seduced by this man?  I would like to think not, but I also know the way I felt after the sweat lodge deaths.  I felt as though I had lost my entire family.  I felt betrayed.  I felt hurt.  Did I ever believe James was the be all and ed all? No. I never did.  Did I believe he was human ad made mistakes, yes!  I was witness to his humaness up close and personal.

When my community shattered, I kinda fell in between the two camps.  I neither stood by him nor did I hate him and wish him ill.  It took me a while, but I came to a very healthy place regarding James.  Working with James really helped me grow and for that I am eternally grateful!  I would not be who I am today if I had not attended his workshops and learned what I learned!

Do I think he made a wrong turn somewhere and got caught up in his ego so much that he allowed my friends to die?  Yes, I think that probably happened. I was there when his ego blew up.  I worked closely with him.  I was his body guard/point person.  He may or may not have been spiritually seducing us, but I know for certain he used his place of "power" and "seeming wealth" to romantically seduce women.  (I had to pass notes back and forth between him and women with phone numbers or meet me later messages.)    I didn't think any thing about it. He was a handsome man and he was single.    He worked all the time. And if this is where he was going to meet women, then fine.  Who am I to judge?

Anyway, I haven't thought about him for a couple of years...since he was sent to prison after being found guilty of negligent homicide.  So when I had a pretty creep (and sexual) dream about him early Sunday morning, I was shocked and could not figure out WHY he had been in my dreams.

Through out the day, it had haunted me so  much, that I decided to google him and see if something had happened with him recently.  Did he just get released?  What else would cause a ripple in the universe to cause me to dream about him.  What I found out was he had been released early from prison on July 11th.  But then, I also realized that the 3rd anniversary of my friends death in the sweat lodge was just 12 days before my dream.  I also saw the prison release photo taken of him.  He looks to be a shadow of the man I used to work with and love.

After not really finding anything out on him or why I was dreaming about him.  I just sent a silent prayer his way.  I do feel a great deal of compassion for him.  The same way I feel a great deal of compassion for my father who raped and molested me when I was a child.  I just closed my computer and decided to watch TV with the hubby.

We ended up watching an episode of Elementary (a Sherlock Holmes series).  This particular episode dealt with children who murdered their fathers who had been sexually abusing them.  It was very emotional and kind of tense.  Because of my history of sexual abuse, I do not usually watch these things.  But to be fair, these types of things have not bothered me in YEARS.  I have done so much healing work around the abuse, that it doesn't usually register with me anymore.  But last night's show really got to me.  And I *think* it was because of my dream about James.

Like I said, the dream with James in it was sexual. He was trying seduce me in my dream..in a very creepy kinda way.  (Something he NEVER did in real life.)  So I started to wonder, "What is my brain working on that brings this all up?"  I am a completely different person than I was when I was being raped and taken advantage of (by more boys/men than just my father).   For that matter, I am a completely different person than the person who first heard James speak and fell in love with the way he could tell a story and capture the audience and "seduce" them.  I am not the same gullible, will believe anything you tell me person that I used to be.  I have grown. I have healed.

After watching that show and thinking about my dream some more, I realized the reason James was probably in my dreams on Sunday morning.  I HAD just been thinking about him (without really realizing it).  Friday, when I did my Polecat run, I had been thinking about my running journey.  The anniversary of my very first marathon is coming up (Nov 6).  I had run it in 2006.  I had set that goal in April of 2006 while at my first James Ray seminar.  I had just broken throw a piece of wood. I was feeling like anything was possible, including completing a marathon in less than 6 months (when I couldnt' even walk a mile without serious pain).  I did finish that marathon in 2006.  And I swore I would NEVER do that again, but now look at me!  I'm an ultra marathoner and training for more including my first 50 miler!  That likely would not have happened if I had not met James Arthur Ray.  And I am eternally grateful for those lessons I learned while working with James.  Did he seduce me into some kind of cult?  I don't think so, but even if he had, I found my way out of it and I am grateful for the lessons I have learned. I am grateful to the man for being a conduit for me just as I am grateful to my father or the lessons I learned from him.

Maybe the dream was just a dream.  Or maybe it was something more. I have no idea.  But I will say, if you have actually read this far, please be aware of your path. Be aware of the people you allow into it.  If you are into the self-help or new age belief stuff, please be conscious about who you decide to listen to and HOW MUCH you decide to listen to them.  Always be responsible for yourself and NEVER give some one else power over you.  Power (in all of its forms) can be seductive...whether it's a new age guru, a conservative christian minister, an Atheist zealot, or just some rich person who promises you the world, or even your parents.  Only YOU can take care of you. You have a brain, use it.  Question everything and make up your own mind.

Two Weeks Post Frenzy

I know it's hard to believe.  But for the last 2 weeks Post Frenzy, I have been kind of speechless.  I have hopped on here and tried to type out different blogs, but even though I think deeply, the words I type just don't seem to do my thoughts justice.  

After reading so many of my friends' race reports from The Frenzy and watching them on Facebook, I realize that I am not alone with this feeling I have been experiencing.  It is kind of like a "let down" and kind of "blah" and "What now?"  I've been told it is part of the recovery process.  Just ride the wave...

For the first week after The Frenzy, I really had to let an ugly heel blister heal.  I could not even put on regular shoes of any sort without lots of pain.  Finally, 8 days after The Frenzy, I was able to put on running shoes for the marathon that I volunteered for.  But after 8 hours in the shoes, my heel needed another day to recover.  Finally on Tuesday, I was able to go out shoe shopping.

Actually, on Tuesday, I did quite a bit of shopping.  My goal for the day was to buy a new pair of running shoes, the book I Am Malala, and a new foot for my sewing machine.  

First up, were the shoes.  In an effort to avoid blisters on my toes, I ran The Frenzy in a pair of very comfy but worn out trail shoes.  I ran 32 miles without blisters on my toes, but the worn out heels caused a blister on the back of my heel.  It was imperative that I find new shoes so I could get back out to the trails!  After all of the shoe drama in the last couple of months, I really just wanted to head to a "big shoe store" so I wouldn't have a sales person helping me. I realize that is their job, but with my difficult feet, I always feel so stressed.  I decided to head to the Reebok Outlet store.  I tried on a pair of trail running shoes.  They were entirely too tight in the toe box.  Then the sales lady (Ya I couldn't shake a sale person, even here) showed me the All Terrain shoes.  They look like crazy outer space shoes, but as soon as I put them on, they were so comfortable!  I bought them.  The funny thing is, after I bought them, I had this weird sense of "I didn't buy from one of the 'real running stores'.  I didn't buy big name brand, top of the line running shoes.  What if they don't last?"  (Never mind that the last 2 pairs of big name brand fancy shoe store shoes have not lasted more than 125 miles before showing serious wear and tear or giving me blisters.  AND they were more expensive.)

After a successful trip to the shoe store, I headed to the book store. I picked up the last I Am Malala book off the shelf, then went to the running book section.  (Yes, I know I am addicted to all things running.)  I just bought a pair of Reebok shoes and I have questions about how long they will last.  I need to keep track of the miles I put on them.  I also wanted to keep track of my training.  So I picked up a workout log.  I could have picked up a purely running log, but I also want to incorporate more than just running into my workouts.  I need more strength and flexibility training!  I will use the log to keep track of all of this.

After the book store, I headed to the sewing machine store and got what I needed there.  Now I can finish the Belly Dancing costume up-cycle project that I am working on! Yay!!!!

After a crazy week, I was FINALLY able to get out onto the trails.  I almost didn't want to go out there.  It's been so long since I have been running; it was getting to that point where it was easier to NOT go out (even if I missed it).  On the drive out to the trails, I still hadn't decided which trail I wanted to run.  But I knew I wanted to start with 6 miles.  Once on the highway, I decided on Polecat.  I love that 6 mile loop.

It was a gorgeous, cool morning on the trail, but I dressed entirely too warm.  I thought I was gonna keel over and die from heat!  *laugh*  I guess I now know that my new gloves and wool base layer shirt are going to be warm enough.  *laugh*  

Anyway, I did my fastest 5K (street or trail) on this course today. I did it in 41 minutes 35 seconds with a 13:26/mile pace.  I finished the entire trail with a new PR for me!  I finished the trail in 1:28:58 for 6.34 miles.  My previous time was 1:31:24 for 6 miles.  Go me!!!!

So now that I have completed the goal of The Frenzy, what's next?  I have decided that I want to learn to run this hills.  I want to run up them.  I also want to get faster in my trail running (learning to run up the hills will work with that).  I want to increase my endurance (again learning to run up hill will help).  I am going to train for Wilson Creek Frozen 50K and my biggest "race of the season" will be in March at the 6/12/24/48 hour Pickled Feet race; I will do my first 50 miler.  So those are my goals for the next 5 months.  The longer term goals include 2 more ultras....Silver City 50K in June and then the Frenzy again next October.  (I might throw in a road marathon and road half marathon just to test my timing on the road again this year. I would like to finish a marathon in 6 hours or under and a 1/2 marathon in 2:30.)  I have one other major goal; to be able to completely run Polecat without walking!  

With goals set (while I was running), I spent some time really enjoying the feeling of being able to do what I love.  November 6, 2006, I completed my first marathon.  I walked the entire thing and I swore I would never do that (a marathon) again!  Now look at me!  All the way through my run today, I kept saying, "You are an ultra marathoner!  You can do anything!"  I LOVE RUNNING and when I think about how I felt about my first marathon and how I feel now, it brought me to tears.  

Here's to a great running season next year!!!!

I'm Officially and Ultra Marathoner!!!

Racer 556 has been counted!!!!

I'm not entirely certain how to blog about yesterday's amazing Foothills 50K Frenzy!  There are so many amazing things I could say.  First and foremost, I need to thank the amazing Race Director, Jenny, for putting on such a perfect race.  The course is challenging, to say the least.  The Aid Station Volunteers and the other volunteers along the way are some of the most supportive and amazing volunteers I have seen on a race course!  I would like to thank my beautiful family for all of their loving energy and support.  Tracy and Naomi were out there all day just to be able to see me 3 times...but seeing their faces at Miles 18, 22 and the finish meant the world to me!  I'm grateful for my son Nate who made it out in time to help me run to the finish line!  I'm grateful for all of my trail running friends who have been there to support me through this journey; I could not have done this without their support, wisdom and knowledge and especially their friendship.  I would like to thank my non-running friends who have supported me with their kind words and loving energy.  Words can not express how important it is to know and feel that support during the hardest moments on a course.  Thank you!!!

Toward the end of last year, I had big plans!  I had races scheduled for almost every month of the year.  I wanted to get in 12 marathons/ultra marathons and my 400 mile bike ride in by the end of 2013.  Thanks to my concussion in January, ALL of my plans got changed, and it was a challenge to get back on course to get to yesterday's race.  Between concussion, banging up my surgery knee and rolling an ankle, making it to the starting line yesterday was quite the fete, but I wasn't going to let anything get in the way of becoming an ultra marathoner by the end of 2013!

The actual training for this race started back in April, when I was in Florida and was able to start running again after my concussion.  I started out with little runs and even made it up and over the Melbourne to Indiatlantic Causeway.  When I got back home to Idaho, I hit the foothills with my friends, but most of the time I trained alone.  I constantly watched my pace.  I trained smart.  I had trained on every inch of that course so I knew what to expect.  The only thing I didn't account for in my planning was how much time I would spend at the aid stations.  I also didn't take into account how much time I would spend stepping off the trail to let other runners/cyclist pass me (all of those seconds add up). Nor did I take into account the time I spent taking pictures (which I knew I would do....cause that is what I do, after all.)  Originally I had planned on finishing the course with a 20 minute/mile sustained pace.  I ended up with a 21:21 pace.  Not to shabby for my first ultra marathon with only doing serious training for it for 4 months that included 6 weeks off to rest a knee injury and 2 weeks off for a rolled ankle!   But really, this race wasn't about pace and time.  It was about finishing my very first ultra marathon.  It is everything it represents.  And it was about all of the amazing people and friends I have met in the last year!

The slower runners were given the opportunity to start at 5:00am instead of the regular 6:00am start. This way we were certain to  make the 2:00pm cut off at mile 22.  It was cold and dark! It was a New Moon, which meant there was no moon in the pre-dawn sky.  It was a gorgeous clear morning surrounded by some of my favorite runners!  Mary started at 4:30 since her night running companion had to get back home early.

But the other 5 of us started at 5:00 am with our head lamps shining bright. At the starting line, Monique, Lori, Joyce and I took off running, but Michelle started at a walk with Joanne (one of the sweeps of the race).

After the first mile, Monique had taken off like a bat out of hell and Joyce and Lori had pulled ahead of me.  I took my normal place, alone, in the dark.  It was such a beautiful place to be.  Seeing the lights of headlamps ahead of me and looking back and seeing Michelle's in the distance.  I was grateful I was wearing my eye glasses and was able to see things clearly and not worry about my footing.  I was even able to run where I hadn't run before.  The race started out amazing and a HUGE smile on my face!

Somewhere around mile 5, I heard the songs of a coyote in the distance.  This brought back thoughts of a couple of training runs with my friends...once when Dondi and I were being stalked by a coyote, and another time with Mary in a morning training run where we heard them singing in the distance.  Another smile was brought to my face.

The beginning of the race, that was run in the dark, was lit by LED lights placed along the path.  Somewhere along the trail, I was coming up to what looked like a robot at the top of the hill.  It was a man covered in LED lights and reflective gear.  To my tired eyes (that only had 2 hours of sleep), it was kind of funny looking.  He greeted me with a very happy good morning and told me there was quite a site behind me.  I stopped and turned around.  All of the runners that started at 6:00am had their head lamps on and were coming up the mountains.  It was a beautiful train of lights!  I wish my camera could have captured it properly!

The first two 6:00am runners caught up to me at about mile 6.  They were speedy!  By mile 7, the rest of them came in a steady stream.  I got to see lots of my friends pass me.  All of them had smiles on their faces.  All of them said Good Morning.  Each and every one of us were out there living the dream and doing what makes us happy; how could it have been anything other than amazing???!!!  Dennis, stopped along the trail to give me a hug.  Brady passed me in the dark and said, "Martha, is that you??? It's Brady!"  As he waved and kept on running.  How the heck did he recognize me from behind and in the dark???  (It's not like we are close friends or even friends on facebook?) *laugh*

By Mile 6 1/2, I came to the first aid station in the dark.  I checked in my race number 566 with a volunteer and grabbed a little cup of Coke and just kept running.  It was a crowded aid station with all of the runners going through, and I really didn't need anything yet.

Once the sun came up, it was easier to see my friends faces as they passed me.  It was easier to see their smiles and the lights in their eyes!  You have never seen a happier bunch of people at that time of the morning!

By this time I was on Watchman trail (one of my favorite trails in this race).  It's a fun down hill trail.  I took the time to run, and I also took the time to eat one of my Payday bars. I knew the hardest and steepest hill climb was coming and I would need the energy.

At the junction of Watchman and 5 Mile Gulch were a mom and daughter team ringing the cow bell.  It was cold out there, and there they sat cheering us on!

Up I went.  My friends continue to pass me.  I saw several at this point.  I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.

When I got to the 5 Mile and Orchard junction, I saw Jeff (another directional volunteer).

He had a camera and was taking pictures.  He said, "Aren't you going to run for the camera at least?"  My response had him throwing his head back and laughing out loud. My job there was done, and I kept hiking up hill one foot in front of the other. This part of the race is very difficult.  I had to stop several times to lower my heart rate that would sky rocket.  But over all, I was feeling fantastic and couldn't wipe the smile from my face!

By the time I reached the top of 5 Mile at Ridge Road and found the aid station that was blaring amazing music, I knew the hardest part was over with!  Mile 6 1/2 Aid Station!!!  I grabbed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and kept on plugging away up the hills of Ridge Road to the turn around point where I was to pick up a Popsicle stick (as my proof of making it to the turn around). On the way up to that point, I saw several more of my friends coming back down from the turn around!  Lots of high fives and "great jobs" were passed along.  Lots more opportunities to grab pictures with my friends!

At the turn around, Nellie and I grabbed our popsicle sticks and we started our run down.  Nellie took off ahead of me and I was back to being by myself.

I came across more of my friends as they were plugging along up "Popsicle Stick Hill" (I just made that up..and I think its awesome!) and grabbed even more pictures.  This was the last time I saw Michelle until the finish line.












  

A few minutes later when I reached the Aid Station at 5 Mile trail head, I ran across my friend Kristine who said she wasn't sure if she would make the 8 hour cut-off.

Silently I said a prayer for her and Michelle. I know how much they both wanted this!  It would be Kristine's first ultra!  I refilled my hydration pack. Grabbed some more yummy treats and took off down Ridge Road.  I ran down most of it.  When Isabelle and Bonnie caught up to me, I grabbed their picture too.  Such amazing women!!!  Bonnie just finished riding 1000 miles on her bike a little while back and she is in her 70's.  AMAZING!!!

Finally I came down to Rocky Canyon Road and I ran the entire way to the Aid Station at Mile 18 where I would meet my hubby and my daughter for the first time.  While at the Aid Station, I tried an Aussie Bite but it was too dry for this runner's mouth.  So I opted for M&M's and told an M&M joke I had just heard to the aid station workers and made them laugh.

 I dropped off my jacket and my eye glasses with my hubby.  Put on my sun glasses and headed up Orchard trail.  More climbing, but it's all good.  I finally got to a place where my legs could run and I saw Jeff again at the 5 Mile/Orchard intersection and he grabbed a picture of me running as he laughed.  5 Mile Gulch is the trail that likes to roll my ankle.  With a silent prayer, I took off running down the hill.  I ran the entire way down that hill to Watchman where I gave the little girl sitting at the intersection and ringing the cowbell a high five.  I had to hold back tears thinking about this little girl watching all of these amazing ultra runners out there reaching for their dreams and goals.  I wondered what lessons she would take away from this and how much of it will affect her as she gets older and reaches for her own goals and dreams.  I kept running.

This was the home stretch to make my 8 hour cut off (even if I had 9 cause I started early).  I really wanted to finish the 22 miles in 8 hours!  Sure enough, I did!  I was so happy!!!  I handed the aid station worker my hydration pack and ran for the port-o-potty (which didn't tip over..nor was it in any danger of tipping).  Once out, I went back for snacks.  They had yummy chocolate Keebler cookies!  They were amazing!

They had beer which they offered me, but I thought that would just make me puke!  I gave my hubby and daughter a kiss with a "see you at the finish line" and I was off again!  Down Rocky Canyon Rd to the Three Bears Trail Head.

Ahhh... Three Bears...I have only done this part of the course once, and I had forgotten how much of a climb it was going to be.  It might not have been as steep at 5 Mile Gulch, but it was every bit as difficult with 22 miles under my feet.  It was slow. Very slow.  One foot in front of the other.  If there was a time during this race where I felt a little bit "down" , it was here!  I even took a picture with a horrible face just to mark that point in the race. *laugh*  Feeling a bit down, but I didn't lose my sense of humor or my hope that it would get better.  I just kept plugging along.

Finally I finished that climb and was heading down to the Mile 24 Aid Station (which was the 6 1/2 mile one).  I rounded the corner, and there was Jon Kinzer with a big ol' afro on his head and made me laugh out loud.  That is EXACTLY what I needed in that moment of the race.  At the Aid Station, I inquired about my friends behind me. Did they make the cut off?  No one knew yet.  I grabbed some more Coke, M&Ms and pretzels.  Then I saw it!......pizza!  PIZZA!!  How the heck did they get pizza up in the middle of the mountains????  They told me it was soggy from water spilling on it.  I didn't care.  It was PIZZA and I was 24 miles in and it was lunch time!  I never thought water drenched soggy pizza could taste so good!  3 pieces down, and a huge, happy smile on my face and in my heart, I was back to my race!

It was time to go down hill. "It's all down hill from here."  This is true, well mostly.  But this down hill is not the easy down hill one longs for.  It is a steep slick down hill with loose sand covering rocks with deep trenches in the middle of the trail.  One wrong slip, one poorly placed foot, and you could end up with a broken ankle.  We all know how much fun I have with my ankles!  I almost sat on my butt and scooted down this part of the trail.  About 5 times, my feet slipped under neath me.  At one point I was going so fast down that path with no way to stop cause my feet kept slipping.  I just prayed that I would make it down safely.  I did.  Whew!!!

Somewhere around mile 26 I found some more strength and determination.  I started power hiking again till I reached the last aid station at mile 27ish.  They had popsicles.. real ones..not just sticks!  OMG!  Yummy!  I also had a watermelon wedge.  And I took the time to inquire about my friends Ryan, Michelle and Kristine.  Did they know if they made the cut off.  YES!!!  They  had!  I was thrilled!  This meant EVERYONE made the cut off and no one was going to get a DNF (did not finish) because of time! Up ahead of me on the other side of the canyon that separated us, I saw Ron, Bonnie and Isabelle running on Buck Tail.  They only had about 3 more miles to go.  I was so happy for them!  And I knew I would be there soon, too!  I took off running again!

At this point on the course, it was the middle of the day and mountain bikers were everywhere.  I was constantly stepping off the trail waiting for cyclists to pass me.  With a smile and a wave and a "Have a great day!" we passed each other. Some knew I was in a race and they cheered me on.  I finally reached Buck Tail trail (my favorite) and gave the sign a little kiss of gratitude!  I was never so happy to see that trail!  I ran some more.  This is such a fun trail to run on.  My heart was so happy.  I was doing this!  I was REALLY doing this!!!!  Only a few more miles!!!

Toward the end of Buck Tail, I could see and hear my 2 friends Lucia (who was at the the bottom of my trail head) and Andrea (who was at the top of top of the next trail I had to climb).  They were both cheering and ringing bells and my  heart overflowed with gratitude! I  had to fight back tears.  If I lost it then, I would never stop crying.  Sucking up the tears, I kept power hiking. I couldn't run at this point.  But I was walking fast!

Finally, up at the top of the trail where Andrea was, I knew I had the funnest downhill to go yet.  It was the switch backs that I had climbed up earlier in the dark.  I ran the entire way to the Cottonwood trail head. I came across another runner's friend, Anna.  Who was looking for her friend (whom I didn't know).  I didn't know Anna either.  But she gave me a huge hug and told me I was doing great!  I gave her the update that I knew and we went our separate directions.  I passed several cyclists who wished me well. "Only a couple more kilometers to go!  You've got this!"  I smiled.  My heart was full.  Boise is filled with some of the best people in the world!!!

Running through Cottonwood trail, I came across a couple on a stroll with their kid and dogs.  The man asked me if I was part of a race.  I said, "yes."  And he gave me some amazing encouragement.  I kept running.  I came across another man on a walk. He asked me if the race was today. "yes", I said. "You are doing great!  That is so cool!  Keep it up!"  I passed some race volunteers with high fives as they headed out onto the course to sweep and find their friends who were behind me.

Finally, I made it to the Stair Way to Heaven.  These steps I have blogged about before. They are so steep and have no  hand rail and they are at about mile 31 or so. I think it is the race director's sick and sadistic sense of humor to put them there.  *laugh*  The volunteer there came half way down the steps to greet me.  "Runner 556 is coming in!"  I powered up those steep steps like a woman on a mission.  I owned those things!  She walked up behind me to make sure I didn't fall backwards. *laugh*

This is where my son was supposed to meet me today, but he took a new job and wasn't going to make it.  So imagine my surprise when I turned the corner and there he was walking up the hill to meet me!

"Nate!!!!!!!!"  I was so happy to see him.  I had been fighting back tears of joy for the last 3 miles.  Telling myself to suck it up, I could cry later.  I saw Nate and I didn't cry. But I was so freakin' happy!  He was with me for my first Marathon and now he is there with me to finish my first ultra marathon.  It's fitting.  "Mom, you look so great and strong!!  How far have you gone?"  When I told him 31 miles, he was shocked at how strong I was.  I have never finished a marathon looking and feeling this strong and I was already 5 miles over a marathon distance.  He ran the rest of the way to the finish line chute with me.

Once I got to the finish line chute, I was in full sprint mode.  My friend Kristina and her kids Caleb, Sarah and Adam were there with my daughter Naomi and hubby Tracy. They were all cheering for me.

I  hear my running buddies at the finish line cheering me on.  I saw Jeff (who had been at the 5 Mile/Orchard intersection) and he was laughing and smiling as I was at a full on sprint (I'm pretty certain he didn't think I actually ran).  I remember hearing my name being called as I crossed the finish line.  But once I was able to stop my legs from sprinting I was surrounded by friends who wanted to hug and congratulate me!  NEVER have I had that kind of finish experience at a race.  My family has always been there to hug me.  But I have NEVER had so many friends at a finish line there..all waiting to cheer me on and hug me even if I was sweaty and stinky!  All of these amazing supportive ultra runners, who have run their race and waited it out for the rest of us!  All of these amazing volunteers who had been out there all day long...out there waiting to hug the finishers as they came in.

I have to say that this was absolutely THE BEST race I have ever had the opportunity to run.  If you ever have a desire to run an ultra marathon, may I suggest finding your local ultra running community and train with them and do your first race with them.  You will find the same kind of support I found for mine, and its priceless!!!!  Such an amazing experience!  And now, finally, as I finish this blog, the tears of happiness flow.  Thank you!!!!