Ya know, when I was doing my marathons and the ultra marathon, I never came in last, and I never got a "DNF" (did not finish). I always knew that one day in my racing "career", I would eventually have one or both of those. I was "looking forward" to the growth opportunity it would provide.
I was never fast. I was always a "back of the packer". There were times that I really thought I WOULD be last, but for whatever reason, someone else was always behind me. Being in the back of a race, or feeling like you were coming in last, is one of the most challenging and lonely places to be. The only "person" you are racing against is yourself and that clock at the end, and sometimes that clock didn't even matter. Sometimes the ONLY thing that mattered is that you crossed the finish line..even if it took you forever... even if you were last.. even if you were crawling, at least you crossed the finish line. But in the hours (yes I said hours) it takes to cross that finish line, I often felt alone. I had no friends waking or running beside me. Sometimes aid stations would actually close before I got to them, and they would just leave left overs for me. There were no crowds cheering me on. If I was lucky enough, Tracy and my family would be at the race meeting me along the race course to cheer me on and provide support. (I have the best family ever!) However, Tracy couldn't be at all my races, and he certainly couldn't meet me on some of the race courses, so it was up to me and me alone to keep my feet moving. How did I do that? Alot of self-talk and self-motivation. Sometimes I had music with me that kept me going, but even then it was difficult.
I remember a couple of races where I was so freaking sick. I had no idea how I was going to keep going. I was certain that I was going to get a DNF. But some how, I managed to make it through and cross the finish lines of 2 races that I know were huge physical struggles for me. Then there were races where my feet were so blistered and messed up that each step hurt like none other, but still I finished the race..no matter how painful it was.
There are lots of reasons someone will get a DNF. Maybe they are injured. Maybe they got sick. Maybe they didn't get enough sleep. Maybe they got dehydrated alone the course. Maybe they got a horrible phone call that interrupted their race. Maybe they had a panic attack. Each person comes with their own unique situation. And of course their is no shame in taken care of one-self and taking a DNF. So why then, do I feel "shame" in taking a DNF at work?
When I decided to take a muggle job, I had fully intended on it being an "ultra marathon". I fully intended for it to be a life long, work till I retire gig. Resigning after only 8 weeks in, felt like taking a DNF at mile 2 of an ultra marathon. The race hadn't even started yet, but there I was, saying I couldn't finish the race. I realize self-love and self-care were a huge part in my decision. And I guess this IS my DNF that I never got while I was racing. I would never feel shame for taking a DNF, nor would I ever judge someone for taking a DNF in a race. So why am I so hard on myself for taking one at work? I set out to do something that was very difficult (at least for me). I went way outside of my comfort zone (working in a field that was completely new to me). I thought I was ready. But now, looking back, I wonder if maybe I didn't have enough "training". I don't mean training at work. I mean training before I went to work.
When I was doing marathons, I trained. I built up muscles and endurance. I knew what my life would look like on the course. I prepared myself for any situation possible. I had a huge support system in my family, and my family only stopped coming to races once I knew I could do it on my own and sustain myself. There was lots of work and planning that went into running a marathon and ultra marathon. So what makes me think, that I could go into a career without the same kind of planning and strategy? No wonder I had a break down. No wonder it was painful.
I'm not sure what would need to be changed to have made it a sustainable event for myself. But it is certainly worth the thought process. In the mean time, I will take this DNF in stride and continue to be open to the lessons. I will continue to be grateful for the opportunity and for the love and support I received. And I am eternally grateful for the lessons that running still teaches me, even though I don't run anymore. LOL
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