March 4, 2019 One of the Hardest Things.......

I write about a great many things in my life.  I am always authentic and real.  Even if the subject is painful, it's not usually too painful to write something.  But this post is painful.  It is raw.  It is real.  It is me putting myself totally out there for the world to judge (or not) as they see fit.  I really have to say to myself, "It doesn't matter what other people think."  Even though, the truth is, I DO care.  I know I shouldn't, but I do.  So there is that.  At the same time, I think creating this blog is important for a number of reasons.  The first reason is because I am getting questions from people, and it would just be easier to create this post and share it in one fell swoop. 

So here it is.  The short of it is, I no longer work for the muggle job I started on January 7th. 

And here's why........

When I went looking for a job, it was for a number of reasons.  I wanted to feel like I was financially contributing to my family.  I wanted to support my own sparkle addiction.  I wanted to pay for my own burlesque travel without taking money out of the family budget.  I wanted to have my own 401K.  I wanted to earn my own social security credit (I can't even get disability because I have not put enough credits into the system).  I wanted to have a career. I wanted to make a living wage.  I got EXACTLY what I was looking for.  I got a job with a great company that has a spectacular culture.  It paid amazing starting wages with bonus incentives and opportunities to grow and move up in the company.  It was a culture that support self-improvement, team building, volunteer work, and would even make room for me to perform.  It was an inclusive company that supported every human being regardless of race, gender, religion, sexual orientation.  It was everything I could have asked for in a company culture.

So what was the problem?  I went to work and sat at my desk and cried more days than I didn't.  I was literally "call avoiding" ( which is a big no-no).  I felt isolated.  I worked in a cubicle where I did not have contact with anyone.  My breaks were scheduled with other people's breaks, but our calls kept us from spending time together.  So I spent my breaks and my lunches alone most of the time.  My new shift, would have me not seeing my family or my friends.  I am an extrovert. I need to be with people.  Add to that, the customers on the phone who were yelling at me.  The customers asking me questions that I am NOT QUALIFIED to answer.  I felt like an imposter at work.  I know I  had tool to use, and I  used them.  I asked questions all of the time.  But when someone asked me which loan was best for them or which credit card was best for them, or when someone couldn't get a loan and they were in tears asking me, "now what?"...I just felt helpless and completely out of my element.  I felt completely unequipped to help these people, and I was terrified of screwing them up financially.  I felt a HUGE sense of responsibility for these customers.  I am NOT a financial planner.  Heck, it takes everything I have to manage my own family's expenses, and I'm certainly not a role model.

Actually, truth be told, my relationship with money is a very scary one.  It has taken me YEARS to get to a point where I can deal with my own finances without having a panic attack.  So what made me think, I could help others with theirs without having a panic attack? 

I wanted this so badly.  I wanted all of the things I described earlier.  But I also wanted to glean information and learn and grow in the finance world.  I wanted to face my fears head on and grow.  Unfortunately, that is not what happened.

Try as I might, I found myself at the very edge of having a psychotic break down.  I was already having complete panic attacks.  I wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't.  I felt myself trying to switch personalities.  I was confused.  I cried when I wasn't at work.  I cried when I was at work.  I felt completely stuck and didn't know what to do or how to do it. 

I tried everything I knew to do.  I kept mantras at my desk.  I kept an ever growing gratitude list at my desk.  I kept things on my desk that reminded me of how strong I am and how many things I have faced and conquered.  I kept inspiring books at my desk to read between calls.  I went to work with a smile on my face.  I kept telling myself that each day was a new day.  But in the end, I was terrified.  I was miserable.  I cried and avoided calls, and I could feel myself slipping into a horrible horrible place.

Last Wednesday, my boss needed to coach me on a bad QA.  I wasn't worried about the QA. I knew what had happened.  I was fine with what I was about to hear. It wasn't the bad QA that had me wanting to quit.  I went to his desk at my appointed time, and I really thought I was going to quit right then and there.  I didn't have it in me.  Before he started in on my QA coaching, I asked him if I could talk to him first.  I told him what was going on.  He did his best to try and help me to keep me there.  He offered to move me to a cubical/pod where I would be with people who talked (though they left a full 4 hours before my shift would end, and I would literally be all by myself for the last (and longest) 4 hours of my shift.  He offered to look into changing my schedule so that I could come home at an earlier time.  He REALLY wanted me to stay. He encouraged me and told me that I could do the job, and he acknowledged that this job was painful.  He told me to stay off the phones and visit with one of my co-workers.  He took her off the phones and told us to visit and be sociable for the next 30 minutes.  She and I talked.  She was so sweet.  She was giving me coping strategies to make it through the day. She told me how hard it is for her and she spends hours in the conference room crying, but this is the best company to work for.  I heard her.  She was sincere.  But I also heard how HARD this job was.. and how PAINFUL this job was.  I heard her telling me that she couldn't make it through the day without coping mechanisms.  She told me that some days she just wants to quit, but some times you get that one person in the day that makes it all worth while.   She told me it was much better than "down stairs" where everyone hates their job and wants to kill people.  She meant well, but she was not really helping. 

After talking to my supervisor, I really thought I would try to stick it out.  He asked me to give him 3 more weeks.  I really thought I would.  But once I went back to my desk, I sat there and cried again.  I hated it.  I got a very angry couple on the phone. They were mad before they got to me.  By the time we were done, they were laughing, but still mad at the hoops they had to jump through.  (To be clear, it was THEIR fault, but they insisted on blaming the banking systems put in place for THEIR protection.)  I understand their frustration.  But I couldn't deal with their frustration.  I had my OWN frustrations. 

That night, I got in my car and cried all of the way home.  I'm not talking little tears.  I'm talking full on ugly crying.  I have NEVER felt like that.  I have NEVER quit a job unless it was to be a stay at home mom or I moved to a different state.  I have never quite  job because it was too hard or because my emotional stability was in question.  I have spent my entire adult life not being a quitter (this goes back to something I was called a child).  It is this  mentality that was eating me up.  I had dreams.  I had goals.  I had alot of things in my mind, and quitting wasn't one of them.  But all I could think of was just how unhappy I was and how miserable I was. 

That night in the hot tub, Tracy and I talked some more.  He told me to quit. He told me he had been thinking I should quit for a while now, but he wanted to support me and help me to succeed.  And he did just that.  He was freaking fantastic while I was working.  He helped with my mom.  He helped with the kids.  He brought me lunches.  He gave me cards to support me.  He brought me chocolate.  He listened to me cry day in and day out.  He was my biggest cheer leader.  I didn't want to let him down either.  I didn't want to let anyone down.  But I felt myself slipping away into a very dark place.  I started biting my nails.  My intestines were a mess.  My body was not happy with all of the stress.  My chest was tight.  I wasn't sleeping well. 

In the end. last Thursday morning I went into the office 2 hours before my shift and before the day really stared going at the office to talk to my supervisor.  He saw me and instantly knew what was up.  I walked up to his desk and said, "I can't do this."  He invited me to sit down and talk.  I did.  I immediately started bawling.  I told him that I appreciated his willingness to help me and his support and amazing leadership, but I just can't do this anymore.  My emotional stability was at stake.  I then found myself telling him about Nick, about my DID, about my PTSD, and the  health issues with family members currently.. I spilled my guts.  The office started getting busy so he took me into our managers office.  There I was crying so hard, I couldn't answer my manager's question.  My supervisor started talking for me (with my permission).  Again, my manager, offered me help of all kinds.  They just wanted me to stay.  They told me how much the leadership team liked me and thought of me.  But in the end, he told me that my health comes first, and it was okay for me to leave that day.  He told me that he would accept my resignation that day and that if I ever want to come back, I am welcome to.  They would love to have me back. 

My supervisor walked me out of the building......

So now I have quite my job.  I am back to being a stay at home parent.  Admitting what has happened and that I quit a job 8 weeks into it, sucks.  It is painful.  I feel like a quitter.  However, I know that my emotional stability was at great risk.  I can't even think about going into an office right now without having a panic attack.  I don't know why I reacted the way I reacted.  I do know that I have not been myself for quite some time.  So now what?

Well, before I went to work, I had made an appointment with my family doctor to get a referral for a psychiatrist and also to see if I could get an MRI of my brain (based on all of the head traumas).  Today was that appointment.  And sure enough, he ordered the MRI and was shocked no one had done one on me based on the amount of trauma to my head.  He also gave me the referral for the psychiatrist.  I am going to get all of these done and make sure I am okay.  I am going to get back into therapy and figure out my brain.  I am going back to church and reconnecting spiritually.  I am moving forward with my burlesque (even if it just feels like I am going through the motions right now).  I am feeling quite numb and unmotivated, but I gotta keep moving.  I am going to keep an eye on my family and make sure they are getting the doctors appointments they need (which has had me worried too).  (I felt like I was dropping balls all over the place when I was working.....I know I can't DO EVERYTHING for my family, but someone needs to keep reminding people to do things and stay on top of things.)

So there it is.... I tried to work.  It didn't work out.  Maybe it was too much at one time. Maybe the brain can't handle that much stress and overwhelming feelings. Maybe I can't do call centers. Maybe it was all too intense. Maybe it was the long hours of always being "on" for a brain that hasnt' worked that hard in YEARS.  I don't know.  But it is what it is.  I will go back to work, eventually.  But right now, both Tracy and I think I need to take time to heal and get my head and emotions all sorted out before going back to work.  I also want to make sure I get the medical tests for Naomi and Tracy scheduled... some may require trips out of the state (hard to do when you have  new job). 

But with all of this said.... I did get some good news at the doctor today... for a fat chick, I have a damn good heart rate (still a runners heart rate), great blood pressure, and my blood work came back with good cholesterol, sugar and thyroid levels!  I'm a healthy fat chick. I'll take it!  Now to get my heart ache mended so my brain will be clear :).  Here's to self care and happier days :)