January 27, 2018 I Caught The Wave

It's been a little over 3 years since Nick was taken from us.  During the anniversary time frame, I was having a heck of a time.  But after the anniversary, I seemed to be okay for the most part.  I "bounced" back.  I don't really like to focus on grief.  I have a very full life that I love to live.  But every once in a while, the wave comes in while I'm in the ocean, and I find myself riding the wave into shore....

I must have caught this most recent wave way off of the shore line, cause I have been riding it for probably a couple of weeks now.  It has been a nice gentle wave that just keeps going.  There is nothing big about it. There is nothing really scary about it.  It just is.  It's one of those long slow easy waves that just keeps going and going until you get to shore. 

It started a couple of weeks ago when I looked up Michaeleen Blair to see if there is an obituary for her.  There isn't.  The woman who took my son's life is now 86 years old and still kicking.  I seriously want to write to her.  Sometimes I want to tell her that I forgive her and other times I want to write to her and tell her how horrible she is, and she can't even begin to think that the "settlement" given to Suzy was near enough to make up for the damage she has done.  So that is where it started; that is where I caught the wave.  I should forgive her for myself, but what would that mean to me? Would it mean that I would let go of my son; that I have come to some terms that say it is "okay" that my son is dead?  Not sure I can go there.

I stopped looking her up.  Until I can decide what to do with those feelings, I can't keep looking at them.  But the reality is, I had better speak my peace before she dies.

Even though, I stopped looking her up, the wave keeps going.  I am balanced on this surf board and living my life.  At times I am feeling the ocean breeze through my hair and enjoying the peaceful ride remembering the times at the beach with Nick.  I smile.  I laugh.  I feel warm inside.  Then I feel the pull again.

A friend wants to go to Universal Studios in Orlando and he wants me to go with him.  I want to go.  But I also realize the last time I went to Universal Studios was with Nick and the rest of the family.  And if I go to Florida, I would want to go to "the corner" and put flowers down at the memorial sign.  Now I feel the pull even harder.  I am feeling the NEED to go to Florida and visit that corner. 

A month or so ago, another angel mom posted a picture of the place where her son took his own life.  She asked me if I ever felt drawn to the place where Nick was killed.  The answer is "Yes, at least once a year, I feel drawn to that corner."  Usually that time of year is around the anniversary or at Nick's birthday.  To me the idea of being drawn to "the corner" is kind of crazy.  I feel Nick with me all of the time.  He shows up all of the time.  (As a matter of fact, he showed up today..more on that later.)  So WHY do I feel drawn to "the corner"?  He is not there.  It won't bring him back.  But for whatever reason, I feel drawn.  I am feeling pulled something fierce right now.  Like, it is taking everything I have NOT to jump on a plane right now.  I really want to go.  As a matter of fact, we were supposed to be in Florida in May for one of Nick's friend's wedding. But the wedding is happening the same weekend as Naomi's graduation so we are not going.  I knew that if we went, we would be visiting "the corner".  Maybe that is why I am feeling the need to go.  I had already planned on going, and now I'm not.  Maybe that is why I keep looking at vacations that will take me to Florida.  *shrug*

Being a grieving parent is a special kind of thing.  I do not want to exclude dad's from this grief.  But I never see dad's posting on Facebook and expressing their grief.  I take that back.  I know of one dad who does, and I am grateful for his bravery and I honor his process.  I honor all grieving parents.  I know my hubby grieves and I honor his process.  But the women seem to be more vocal.  In the last couple of weeks I have connected with 2 (new to me) moms who have lost their boys.  One lost hers 2 months ago and the other so many years ago.  Maybe THAT is the reason I am still on this wave of grief. I have been talking and connecting with them.  I do not think this is a bad thing.  We need to be there for each other.  I just think that maybe this is why I am still on this wave.  *shrug*  It's okay.  I'm glad I can be there for others who know this pain.  It takes a community to help carry us when we can't carry ourselves.  I am grateful for the community of Angel Moms that I am part of.  It helps to know that I am not alone.  It helps to know that if the wave throws me off of my surf board, they will be in the water to help me stay afloat and not drown.

This morning, the wave was still gently pushing me toward the sandy shore.  I was reading through Facebook and another friend had posted a press release from a near by police/sheriff department.  A car had been found idling on the side of a highway.  They sheriff saw tracks in the snow and they followed the tracks that ended at the river.  Come to find out, the owner of the car had just found a suicide note from her son...   The boy was found in the icy waters.  Instantly, I felt those waves I had been riding get tumultuous.  I could feel myself starting to lose my balance.  Tears started building in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks.  I could hear the knock on the door from the police to notify her that her son was dead.  I instantly remembered the phone call I had when I got the news.  I could visualize the police at my mom's house at her door giving my mom and daughter in law the news of Nick's death.  I could feel my balance wavering; I was going to hit the water any minute now.

I responded to the post I saw and then closed Facebook.  I was in the parking lot of Michael's craft store.  I had things to do today.  I can feel this, but I need to keep moving forward.  I got out of the car and walked into Michael's focusing on the burlesque show I am getting ready for.

Just as I entered the store, to my right, was a section of beach themed decor.  The beach, the ocean, the waves are where Tracy and I always feel drawn.  We love the beach life. We live with Radio Margaritaville playing in the background all of the time.  Heck last night, we got all dressed up in island attire to head out to a tropical themed night at a local bar; and its freezing outside!  But anytime we can feel the feeling of the tropics is a good time.   I felt my soul starting to calm down.  I felt "island way of thinking" starting to sink in and that grief wave I had been riding had started to calm down.  I had regained my balance on that board.  I wasn't going to be thrown into the ocean anymore. 

I continued looking through the store.  I had gone in there for Gem-Tac, but I also needed to look for ideas for a prop and I wanted to take a look at some painting supplies.  As I wandered around the store, I felt drawn to these little miniatures.  I thought they were like "fairy garden" decorations.  But they were beach themed decorations.  They had little shallow mini pails that you could put sand and glass stones in and these little miniatures to make a landscape of a beach or pool or whatever.  Then I heard it, "Mom, I'm here.  Just keep looking. I'm here.  Find me."  Nick does this so often. I will be in or near a store, and I will hear him tell me that he is there.  That basically means there is a rubber ducky somewhere near by and I need to find it.  It's his way of showing me that he is with me all of the time, or in times when I really need him. And I DID just feel like I was about to get thrown off the surf board and into the ocean. 

I started to seriously scan the decorations.  First I found a tiny swan shaped "float".  I thought, "Wow! That is cool!"  (If you don't know me, the swan is an animal that I feel very connected to for spiritual reasons, and my first tattoo was a swan that Nick helped me design.)  I continued looking, and there at the bottom, was a figurine that was an above ground pool and it had a rubber ducky float in it.  There he was... Nick.  Nick had shown up in the form of a rubber ducky... in the section that was all about beach and tiki bar life.  It was perfect. 

I still feel drawn to "the corner"  really strongly.  I do not know if I will get to go, and I still don't even know WHY I feel drawn there.  Maybe it's because a piece of me was left there and I need to get it back.  But will I ever be able to get it back?  I mean it's not like it will bring Nick back.  So why do I feel like I need to go there?  All I know is that it feels like a primal NEED.

For right now, I will be grateful for all of the ways that Nick comes to visit me and to share his love.  I'm sure this wave will hit the shore soon and I will be able to relax in the warm sand and enjoy the gentle ocean breezes and smile.  For now I will remain grateful and focused on love and keep moving forward.

January 5, 2018 Live Your Life!!!!

Today was an interesting day.  I went to bed last night with a plan, but I woke up and the plan had changed.  Then it changed again.  Actually, it changed a few times and found a couple of blessings within the changes.

My original plan was to get up when Tracy had to get up (at 8am) and throw on my hiking clothes, get the Yaktrax and hiking poles and head up to Corrals for a 6 mile hike.  The alarms went off.  Tracy finished his shower and I was still in bed.  He asked if I wanted to take him to work after a meeting he had.  Okay.  The meeting shouldn't be long.  This works out.  I love being able to spend extra time with him when I take him to work.  And I might even be able to have lunch with him if I get my hike done in time.  So, yay!  The first change to my plans had been happily made.  But as time continued to slip on by, I realized it was getting later and later.  I continued to get my things ready to go.  I couldn't find my Yaktrax.  I thought, "That's okay.  I will be able to go by and pick some up on the way out."  However, Tracy's meeting that was supposed to be short ended up being rather long.  So long, in fact, that I had to scrub the mountain trail all together. The hike was going to take too long to get anything else done today.

I changed my plans a second time.  I decided to go to the greenbelt off Park Center Blvd.  I would walk the 6 mile out and back from the Quarry Building to Barber Park and back.  Most of it is a bird sanctuary and non paved path. It is beautiful there.  I love to walk there, and I wouldn't need any special equipment and I could still get my 6 miles in (just on flatter/quicker terrain).  The joke was on me.  That path was nothing but an ice rink.  My plans changed again. Instead of 6 miles, I decided I would do 4 miles (2 miles out, 2 miles back). On the way in, I stopped and took pictures of a beautiful Eagle and a Heron on opposite sides of the river from each other.  I watched as sparrows flitted about.  Of course there are always geese and ducks around.  And I even got far enough to see my favorite swan, only to find out that 1 swan had multiplied into 4!  What a delight! I made friends with a couple of dogs.  I said good morning to runners and walkers.  I watched in awe as a man in his waders walked thigh deep into the Boise River to fly fish.  It was a beautiful day!  The walk was VERY slow going.  I didn't even have my snow boots on. I had street running shoes on, which meant I had no traction.  I slipped and slided, but I never fell.  Today's objective of miles, pace, and strength building was changed to, miles and balance/core training.

Once I got to the 2 mile mark and turned around, I decided to start listening to one of the songs I am doing a burlesque routine to next week.  I need to choreograph it, and I hadn't even started yet.  So I turned it on and listened to it over and over and over again. I think I had a good idea where to start now. That is something.  If I was losing valuable rehearsal time to a very slow, beautiful walk, might as well listen to the music and put my thinking cap on :). While I listened to my music on the way back, I noticed 3 different trees that I had completely missed on my way in.  These 3 trees had been decorated with Christmas decorations!  Such a random and beautiful surprise.  And that is when this walk went from "Get the miles in" to "Deep profound lessons".

Nature has a way of teaching us invaluable lessons.  Today's walk was no different, except that some humans had a part in today's lesson.  It is so easy to use the excuses, "It's too cold outside." or "There is still ice on the paths" or "I don't have the right equipment" or "I woke up late" or "That meeting ran late" or "I'm just too tired" or any other excuse you feel fits the  bill to not get out and do something or to not take a risk or to not live your life.  It is really easy to stay inside of your comfort zone where everything is predictable and controlled.  It's easy to stay in the house, on the couch, in a warm blanket beside a flickering fire place with the Netflix playing.  It takes a bit of effort, to put on 3 layers of clothes, find the cloves, coat and hat and drive a bit to go be in nature, in the cold weather.  Then it takes even more work to get out of the car and walk on the icy path.  It takes commitment to your goal and plans.  It takes stepping outside of your comfort zone. 

But what happens when you step outside of your comfort zone?  Do you get stuck in looking at every step you take.  Are you so focused on where you are placing your feet that you forget to look up and the beauty around you?  Do you get so worried about the little details that you forget the big picture around you?  Are you so afraid of failing that you forget that the best part of the journey is just being alive and experiencing this life as we know it?  Do you find excuses to turn around or do you keep on moving forward? 

I'm not saying that it is wrong to change your plans or your goals.  What I am saying, is check your reasons. Check your motivations.  Don't let yourself get comfortable and stop living your life!  Don't let yourself get old!  (Okay, that last statement might seem out of context, but I promise you, it will make sense in a few minutes.)

As I was saying, I had turned around at the 2 mile mark and now that I had already walked those same 2 miles, I was feeling a little more secure in my footing and where to walk.  It freed up my gaze and allowed me to do some more looking up and around.  And there I saw these beautiful trees decorated with Christmas ornaments.  And I remember thinking, "If I had still been so scared of falling, if I had turned around sooner, I may have never been blessed with such simple joy and the gift that was given to me in this moment!"  I felt so grateful for my life and my health. I felt so grateful for the amazing place in which I live.  Let's face it, Boise is beautiful.  Idaho is magnificent. And it's not just the beautiful outdoors, its the people that live here and share it with us.  It can be freezing outside, but there are still people out riding their bikes, fishing in the frigid waters, walking their dogs along the trails and kids out playing by the ponds.  And to top it off, you have people who are out there leaving random acts of joy on trees :).  This place is magical!

Once I finished my 4 miles, I got back in my car and my heart was filled with gratitude. I immediately started making plans for where I would go next. I need more Yaktrax. I also needed a pump for my bicycle.  This would require 2 different stops.  I didn't have time for 2 different stops.  I have burlesque stuff to do.  Something  kept telling me that I needed to go to Meridian Cycles.  "You can go to REI tomorrow.  You need to go to Meridian Cycles today."  Well okay then. I decided that I would make the stop at Meridian Cycles for the bike pump. 

I walked in, and a young man asked if he could help me. I told him what I was looking for and we walked to the back of the shop.  Once I got back there, I saw my friend Kurt.  I had no idea he was in there today.  As a matter of fact, I thought he no longer worked there at all.  So it was a great surprise to see his smile and warm eyes.  We exchanged hugs, and I finished picking up my pump.  But then we stood there and visited for a while.  We started talking about "getting old".  He is older than me.  I still don't know how old he really is; he keeps that pretty close to the cuff.  But as we talked he told me about a friend of his that was in his mid to late 60's who had just taken his own life a couple of days ago.  He told me that his man used to be a very active person but his arthritis and the meds he took for them had taken "life as he knew it" away.  And the last thing he had told Kurt was "Never get old". 

We aren't talking about age. We are talking about letting age get the best of you.  When you stop getting out and living your life, when you start making excuses to take on new adventures, you allow your brain and your emotions to get old.  When you stop moving, your body says, "Oh.  It's time to get old and stay inside and wait for death to come."  For some people that time comes entirely too early; I'm talking in their 30's!  We as a western civilization have stopped moving. We have opted for a comfortable and safe life.  But is it really safe?  Nope.  Sitting inside where it is warm and comfortable might keep you from breaking a leg on the ice or getting a concussion if you slip and fall, but it is not going to keep you healthy (emotionally or physically).

I have had this conversation with my other friend Brandon for years!  We talk about this in reference to our parents who are aging.  We talk about this in reference to my own knee and health.  Just like Kurt's friend, some things have been "taken away from me".  I have been told I can no longer do certain things for risk of another concussion or risk of having another knee replacement entirely too early.  And as that list of things grew, I started to feel so old.  I started to feel like I couldn't do anything.  I went from being an ultra marathon runner, roller skater, cyclist, Zumba instructor and dancer to being able to walk, riding in only good weather conditions, skating I'm NOT supposed to do, and Zumba got lost when I hit my head.  I really had to have a good long talk with myself.  I could pout and cry about what I couldn't do.... OR... I could get off my arse and do what I CAN do!!!  And I can celebrate every step I take..whether its dancing or walking.  I don't have to accept a life lived from the couch!  And I won't.  And you shouldn't either!  There is ALWAYS SOMETHING that we can do!

Get out there and  live your life.  You are only given one life, get out there and enjoy it!  Watch the birds.  Find unexpected gifts hanging from trees.  Listen to your intuition when it says, "No go here, instead of there." You might run into a friend who really needs a hug.  Make plans with your friends.. go have tea, beer, a walk, sushi..whatever.. get out there and spend time with them. You have no idea how long you have with them here on this planet.   Encourage your friends to get up and live their lives. Support their dreams.  Cheer them on from the sidelines.  Go on adventures.  Takes risks.  Crank up the  music and dance in your car!  LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!

January 1, 2018 Happy New Year!!!

For a couple of weeks now I have been thinking about the flipping of the calendar page that tells me that we have started a new year.  I have been thinking about how my 2017 played out. I had some amazing moments, that I have already gone over in blog.  There are a few things I would have liked to have gotten done, but over all, my year was pretty amazing.   I have absolutely no complaints.  But what about 2018?  I'm not big on resolutions, but if you have been following my blogs over the years, you might remember that I like to find projects or something to focus on throughout the year.

I was struggling with what kind of goals or ideas I wanted to focus on for 2018.  But I figured that it would all come to me in time. 

On December 29th, Naomi and I went on a little date to the art museum.  While we were downtown, we passed by JUMP (Jack's Urban Meet-up Place).  There was a photo of the giant rubber ducky that floats the rivers around the world.  When we saw it, we both smiled and thought of Nick.  There was some wording on the sign but I didn't really think much about it.  I told myself that I should stop and get a picture of the ducky, but then I told myself "If you stop at every random rubber ducky and took a picture, you would never get anywhere."  And I just kept driving and went on with my day.

On the 30th, I was feeling kind of "off".  But I didn't know the cause.  A friend posted a picture on my facebook wall; it was a set of rubber ducky ear rings being sold on Amazon.  Then I made a phone call to pay a bill and the customer service rep was named Nick.  I just smiled and went about my business.  A couple of hours later, I was doing something else when the name Nick popped up.  Okay.  Then Tracy and I went to the movies to see the new Jumanji movie.  I was feeling even more "off" and unsettled.  I was standing in the concession line when I saw a tall slender young man standing in line with his significant other when his mom came up and said she was going to get seats while they "kids" stood in line.  They looked about the same age as Nick would have been.  His comment to his mom was snarky and reminded me of Nick.  I burst into tears without warning.  Nick had now visited me 5 times in a little over 24 hours.  I thought I had been doing pretty good during the holiday season and Nick hasn't been hanging around alot lately. But there I was... a crying mess in a very public place.  I gathered myself, got my snacks and headed to the theater.

The movie was awesome.  But it wasn't until the end of the movie that I realized Nick was there with us.  The movie has Jack Black in it, and Nick LOVED Jack Black. He was there to watch the movie with us.  But he was there for more than that.  I realized the reason he kept showing up was because I saw him at JUMP and I didn't stop to read the sign and take a picture with it.  He wanted me to go back and take the picture and really let the "lesson" sink in.  I have been thinking about my thoughts for 2018 for weeks now, and there Nick was giving me the answer, and I drove right passed it and was not listening.  So what was the sign he is talking about? What was the message?  How is my year supposed to play out?   Here is is....

There it is.  THINK BIG!  That is Nick's message to me.  That is my motto for the year.  I know this sounds cheesy, but its reality.  I have dreams of things I want to have happen.  And I have allowed life to get in way of some progress.  I have allowed some rejection to keep me down and keep me thinking small.  I have allowed some heart ache to keep me down.  No more.  Time to pick myself back up. My knee has healed.  It's time for me to get out and hike and enjoy the outdoors again!  It's time for me to get back to eating healthy.  It's time for me get on stage and be the best performer I can be. It's time for me to teach some classes (I'm already scheduled to teach in a conference in April).  It's time for me to perform out of state (I already have an Oregon performance scheduled for May).  It's time for me to grow!  It's time for me to THINK BIG!

Once I realized what Nick was trying to tell me, I got on Facebook and ran into 2 messages from group boards that I have not really been participating in.  One was about someone who was making a HUGE leap and thinking HUGE.  Just like Nick was telling me.  But more importantly, there was a message from a young man who has been drawn to wear some women's fashion and felt uncomfortable expressing this desire.  He was afraid of being judged.  And Nick told me to message him and tell him about Nick's run with women's fashion.  I could feel Nick talking through my fingers.  It was a beautiful experience.

So yes.... my 2018 is all about "thinking big".  At first I thought it meant that I would do 2018 miles in 2018 (walking).  But then I realized, that though that is "doable"; its not practical and I don't want to hurt myself.  So... my goal: 2018 miles of MOVEMENT...walking, roller skating, riding my bike, hiking, snowshoeing..... (In case you were wondering what happened today.. I got ONE whole mile in while snowshoeing for 1 1/2 hours.. only 2017 more to go!)  I am getting back on keto tomorrow.  I would like to be down 20# by my birthday so I can jump out of that airplane I keep talking about!  My intention is to put myself out there again this year and submit for burlesque festivals. Think Big!  Put myself out there.  I am performing in Oregon for a friends show in May.  I would also like to perform in other states this year.  I will make some contacts and see what I can drum up!  I have a BIG performance I would like to put together and a HUGE costume to put together.  THINK BIG!  I want to walk a marathon this year.  I"m not sure which one yet, but it's going to happen!  So there you  have it.  I'm sure there is more I want to get done, but those are the ones I am going to put in black and white and on the internet for the world to see. LOL

Today a friend posted this meme......

It pretty  much sums up the way that I feel.  Life is too short.  Think Big.  Get out there and LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!