June 28, 2016....Cycles of Life....

Okay, so I just got home from the gym.  I am 5 weeks post op from my last knee surgery.  I have not done much with my legs.. other than walk up stairs occasionally.  When I do walk up stairs it hurts.  Surgery has helped with some things, yet with others, it hasn't.  Last night, I kept waking up in excruciating pain from my knee.  Only post surgery, this pain is kind of different.  Before surgery, it was because my knee was bent and needed to pop.  Now my knee isn't really bent and it doesn't need to pop. It just hurts to hurt.  Great.  I realize that the next step is partial knee replacement.  Fine..whatever.  That will happen in December, if I can't get my knee to cooperate by then.  But that isn't what this blog is about...  not really.

I went to the gym.  It hurt like none other to do the 30 minute work out with the little steps we do between weight machines.  The leg machines were torture.  And I had them on next to no weight!  I have lost so much muscle in both of my legs.  It's not funny.  But the good news in, in a weird turn of events, my abs rocked it today!  *laugh*

Before I went to the gym... like last night... I was really beginning to feel bad about myself.  Fighting with this knee issue since January has not been pleasant and has pretty much stopped me from doing most of everything that I love to do when it comes to working out.  Hiking in the foothills hurts.  Roller skating is extremely painful.  I have not tried my bike, but I know what its like when my knee hurts, so ya.....  Dancing hurts.  I have lost alot of balance (which brings another issue into play... I can't fall and hit my head again).  I wasn't able to snow board last winter.  Yadda yadda yadda.  So.. like any good food addicted person, I have turned to food to console my emotions.  What happens when you turn to food and you really can't exercise the way you used to?  Yup.......that happened.  And it's causing me some real self esteem issues.  I'm doing my best to work through it and keep my mojo...but I'm telling you, it is difficult.

This isn't about body shaming myself.  This is about real life expectations in real life practical situations.  This is about the way I feel while being intimate.  This is about the way I feel naked.  This is about the way I feel when clothes don't fit me properly.  And yes, this is about how much easier life is when I am not the size that I am currently.  Truth be told, I really miss the body I had when I was running 24 miles just for the fun of it.. not for a medal at the end of a race.  I miss the tiny little size 8 pants that I got to wear. I miss the muscle that I had.  I miss the balance that I had. I miss how incredible I felt every morning when I got out of bed.  I miss the views from atop a mountain that I just hiked up.  I miss 100 mile bike rides. I miss 70 mile bike rides along rivers rolling through canyons.  I miss the incredible sweat I would get  after an amazing night of Zumba.  I miss squats.  *laugh*

I just read my blog from this day last year.  Apparently, I was having the same kind of mojo crisis that I am having today.  Interestingly enough, I was concerned about leaving belly dancing.  Lots of stuff happened and I felt like it was time to leave belly dancing, but I was afraid to.  I was also afraid that I would never burlesque again.  A year has gone by. I am officially on a break from belly dancing, but I managed to fight through the mojo issue and get back to burlesque when the season rolled around again last fall, and I don't see that stopping anytime soon.  Even in this current mojo crisis, I am burlesquing my way through it.. learning to love my body through all of its stages,sizes and ages.  So there is that.  LOL. But I wonder.. have I always felt this way at this time of year?  If so, why?

I know the last couple of years of my life have been interesting, to say the least.  In 2011 I started a health journey that lead me to running that lead me to running an ultra marathon and eating mountains for breakfast. I fell in love with Zumba that lead me to be a Zumba instructor. I fell in love with cycling that lead me to ride 400 miles in a weeks times to raise money for charity.  I also found the courage to bellydance and burlesque.  It's been an amazing journey with huge successes.  It has also been a crazy journey with huge challenges...  traumatic brain injury after a winter training session on my bike.  2 knee surgeries.  1 back surgery.  1 hysterectomy.  And Nicks' death thrown in there for good measure.  In the last 5 years, I have had some HUGE wins and some Huge losses.    I know 5 years seems like a long time to  most people..but seriously, to me it seems like its just been yesterday. (That may be because I have lost so much time and memory thanks to the TBI.)  But I'm sitting here after my gym work out and really feeling like.. "Where did all of this fitness go and how do I get it back?"

I know how to get it back.  I have been down this route before.  It requires changing my eating.  It requires working out.  Working out.  That's the part that gets me.  I can't do what I used to do. I can't do what really got me down to a size 8 to begin with (which is running).  Running (as much as I love it) is what hurt my knee to the point of needing a knee replacement.   And yes, maybe I have been throwing a passive aggressive temper tantrum ever since I stopped running after my back surgery (which was also helped along by running.. and a lack of core strength).  The passive aggressive temper tantrum goes something like this:  "If I can't run, then fuck everything else! Let's revert back to the way we  used to eat.  Let's give up working out all together.  If I can't run, then its all over with!"  What am I? 2 years old????

So, I can't run.  And yes, I miss it.  I miss so much about it.  And yes, right now, even hiking is a painful thing to do.  But instead of focussing on what I can't do, maybe I should focus on what I CAN do.  I can still use my arms to life weights. There is no reason I can't crush it with my arms.  There is no reason I can't do amazing ab workouts to strengthen my core!  I can do those things!  And yes, I can walk on surfaces that don't require me to do alot of stepping up. I can work on my balance.  I can put down the pastries.  I can stop buying Ice Cream.  I can drink more water.  I can go back to cooking good food.  I can love myself right where I am.  I can let go of the past and stop comparing who I am today to who I was in 2012.  How many times have I said that NOW is the only moment we have?  How many times have I said that being stuck in the past or worried about our future is a waste of energy and robs us of the goodness that is in this moment right now?  The answer? So  many freaking times!

So yes... after reading last year's blog, this may be a yearly cycle.  (Thank you, Facebook,  for showing us memories of things in the past.  And thank you, Self, for opening up that blog and re-reading it today.) But just because it looks like a yearly cycle, doesn't mean I have to accept things the way they are.  I can choose to break that cycle.  I can choose to find the good in my life right in this moment.  Like the fact that my abs rocked today's workout. I get to enjoy a lunch date with a burlesque sister as we continue to build our friendship and support each other as we work on our separate routines.  I have an amazing hubby who loves me.  I have 2 beautiful and healthy children who continue to grow and learn every day.  I have a beautiful home and a relaxing outdoor space that this whole family created together.  My blessings are abundant.

Here's to getting my mojo back!!!

(***** I am proofing this and re-reading what I wrote.  Between March 2011 and October 2013, I ran 2 5ks, 1 10K,  5 half marathons, 4 marathons, 1 50K ultra marathon, rode my first metric century on my bike, rode my first mile century on my bike, rode 400 miles in 1 week on my bike, and became a Zumba instructor. My first knee surgery listed here was in 2012.  So In 2012, I had 1 knee surgery (right around this time). In 2013, I bonked my head in January which kept me down for 4 months.  January of 2014 I injured my back which kept me down for 5 months until I could have surgery in Late May/Early June.  5 months later, in November, Nick was killed.   In 2015 I had a hysterectomy.  In 2016 (so far) I have had 1 knee surgery and planning a more serious one in December.  In 4 years (so far) that is 4 surgeries that all came with recovery down time before and after injuries...and a TBI that has required quite a bit of down time and changing much of how I exercise.  Then there was a death.  Umm.. maybe I should give myself a fucking break, don't ya think?????******)

Another Day, Another Tear

I really do not want all of my blogs to be about grief.  I feel as though I spent a whole year talking about grief and now I want to talk about other (happier) things.  However, sometimes, grief just kind of takes over for a little bit.

I decided some time ago to jump off the "Anniversary Train".  I know I blogged about this a long time ago, but I saw a talk show that talked about this train and how it really leads to us getting stuck in grief.  We wait for the day of the month that our loved one died, we wait for birthdays, we wait for holidays.....and we spend more of our life "dreading" than we do "living".  I managed to hop off of the train (for the most part)  The 10th of the month comes and goes (usually) without me noticing.  But May and June...they have  had some hard days.

May is my birthday and mother's day.  First of all (and this has nothing to do with  my son's death), I don't like my birthday. Somewhere along the line I found this story that I tell myself that my birthday will always suck and I will always be disappointed.  I am not sure where that comes from..other than maybe ONE year a LONG time ago, Tracy might have forgotten my birthday or did something that I was disappointed in.  But man, I don't remember what happened and certainly, I have had amazing birthdays since then.  So why do I hold on to that story.  Mother's day is right after my birthday.  Since Nick's death, you can imagine how that plays out.  Last month, Tracy did his absolute best to make it a good time for me, and I did have a fabulous birthday/mother's day. Of course, Nick was not far from my thoughts.

Fast forward to Dad's day that was this past Sunday.  Tracy has not jumped off the anniversary train.  (Everyone deals with grief in their own way.)  I was in the kitchen making breakfast for Tracy and I heard his phone ring.  I came into the living room to see who it was.  (I half expected it to be Nick calling.  Tracy did too.)  I saw his face go from "yay, Nick is calling!"  to "no, Nick is dead."  Then I saw it change to "Yay!  Jared is calling!")  Jared is our bonus child...Nate's best friend who spent most of his teenage years with us.  He calls us mom and dad and now G-ma Martha and G-pa Tracy (as he is expecting his son next month).  Jared's phone call meant the world to Tracy.  But that doesn't stop the fact that we all know that Nick is gone.   I tried very hard to make it a great day for Tracy.  Yes, we found time to laugh.  But it was a hard day.. for him.. for me..

We also just had our first family photo shoot since Nick was killed.  It was lots of fun, but seeing them and realizing that Nick is not in them is very hard.  When I posted pictures to Tracy's facebook wall for Father's day, I started with one of the 3 kids on our last family vacation before Nick was killed.  I didnt' know if it would help or hurt Tracy.  I love seeing pictures of all 3 of my kids and I never want to forget that I have 3 kids and that Nick is one of them.  But when do we stop posting those pictures on Father's or Mother's days?  When do we "let go"?  Then I posted one of the new pictures of just Tracy, Nate and Omi.  It's a beautiful picture.. and that is our family NOW.  But it feels odd.  Where is that balance?  When is it going to feel "normal"?  Maybe one of my other angel moms or dads can answer that question.

Yesterday, I couldn't handle it anymore. I cried.  Actually, I have been crying off and on (in private) since Sunday.  But yesterday, Nate saw it on my face and then held me as I cried.

There are lots of things and feelings I have that I don't talk about on facebook.  Lots of changes that have happened in our lives in the last couple of months.  I know I talked about the changes as they happened, but I have not talked about the emotional struggles in public..not really.  Some of that creeped back up last week and over the weekend.  So, yes, I have been dealing with that too.

I also watch my children.  Nate and Omi also have their good times and difficult times.  I can feel when our family is struggling.  We start to feel disconnected.  That's when I know its time to do something as a family to bring us back together again.  The family photo shoot... father's day... working on the bar.. all of those things help.  But when it's over, sometimes I see my kids struggle and my heart aches for them.  I know each of us in the family goes through that.  We see one of us struggling and we don't know how to help other than to hug... which is the best help we can give.

Today as I was driving home from the grocery store, I was going over a conversation with a new friend of mine.  She asked me how long ago Nick died.  I had to count the months. Since I have jumped off that train, I don't remember.  But today it dawned on em.  When our children are babies, we count the months for the first 2 years.  "My son is 6 months old."  "My son is a year old."  My son is 18 months old."    Now my son is dead.  And when people ask me that question.. I find this ironic. (Is that the right term?)

I remember a conversation decades ago.  Another mother was complaining about using "months" as a way of saying hold old a child is.  "When do you stop using months, and start using years?"    And I asked myself that question today when it comes to Nick's death.  "When do I stop using months and start using years?"  I guess my answer is 2 years.  Once my child turned 2 years old, I just said my child is 2 years old.  I guess this will be my answer for when someone asks me how long agin did my son die?  In November, it will be 2 years.  Right now, it is 19 moths.    The 2 year anniversary of Nick's death, I will be at BurlyCon.  I survived the 1st year okay, so I thought I would be safe going to BurlyCon this year.  Right now, I'm seriously questioning that choice.  But what I do know is that Nick would not want me to give up living my life and chasing my dreams.  BurlyCon happens the same time every year.....around November 10th.

I'm off that Anniversary Train (for the most part), but I am mindful that the rest of my family is not.  Let me tell you, I never thought I would be counting the months since he died like I did when Nick was born.  It's a weird juxtaposition and not one that you can prepare for.

50 Killed In Orlando... Where Have all The Christians Gone?

I, like most Americans, woke up to the news about the mass shooting at the Pulse night club in Orlando, Florida.  Pulse is a gay bar.  My mind instantly went to, " I lived in Florida for 7 years; who do I know that might have been there?"  Orlando is not that far away from where I lived.  We used to go there all of the time.  I have friends who live in Orlando.  Who do I know that might have been there?    I started to see my friends from Florida posting.  They seem to all be safe.  Thankfully.

But as I scrolled through my facebook posts I noticed something.  The ONLY people that were posting about this horrible tragedy were my LGBT friendly people.. either members of the community or allies.  I have NOT seen the conservative Christian people on my friends list posting anything.  I have not heard their out cry over what has been deemed "The biggest mass shooting and terrorist attack since 9/11".  Fifty people are dead.  Fifty people are injured.  THESE ARE PEOPLE!  These people are someone's children, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews... FAMILY!!!   Yes, it was a gay bar, but orientation should not even be an issue in how this is affecting the people of the United States.

Everyone in the US should be upset and crying.  EVERYONE should be outraged.

If this was indeed a "terrorist attack" by someone from ISIS (or whatever), this whole country should be screaming at the top of their lungs.  If this was "hate crime", then this country as a whole needs to sit down and really look at what is going on.  Why does a club of people who are out dancing, make you feel threatened, and more importantly (based on what I am seeing on Facebook) why does the orientation of these people affect how compassionate you are or (maybe just how you decide to show your compassion)?  Are you afraid to show your compassion for fear that someone in your social circle may see it and think you are have turned gay?  Are you afraid someone in your social circle may think you have turned your back and your god?  If that is the case, you need to go back and read your Bible.  You need to see that LOVE was god's religion!

My LGBT community is scared.  We are frightened to walk outside right now.  We are afraid for our lives.  I am "lucky"; I look straight.  I am married to a man.  I have children.  I live in suburbia.  But I am NOT straight, and where I live, living in suburbia means that I could be in MORE danger because the people in downtown Boise proper are more liberal than the suburbs.  My Facebook feed is flooded with my community members who are in tears.  Is this really what your religion wants?  For a whole group of people to feel isolated, hurt, afraid?  I realize a "Christian" didn't hold the gun last night.  However, I don't see a whole lot of "Christians" running to the aid and standing up in support of the people who were killed last night..or the community members that are reeling with the news.

Where are all the profile pictures that  have turned rainbow?  Where are all the #prayforOrlando hashtags from my Christian friends?

I'm confused.

Is it just because it was a Gay club???  Seriously?  If so, shame on you!!!!!

And if this is just the case of Facebook showing me only things it thinks I want to see..then shame on Facebook.  What the LGBT community needs right now is to see Straight People.. ALL PEOPLE...regardless of religion, race, sexual orientation or gender to stand up and show love and support!

Several years ago, one of my straight friends posted on Facebook that she did not understand why there was a "National coming out day".  "Why is it such a big deal?"  Well, today shows why it is such a big deal.  Today is why PRIDE parades happen.   Until we are all loved and accepted for who we are.. until the hate ends.. until ignorance has been erased, then these things will continue to be important.  We will continue to march.  We will continue to shout from the rooftops.  Although, to be honest, after today, many of us may fold our pride flags and hide them back in our homes where only our friends can see them.  Many of us, will stay away from pride events this month for fear of another attack somewhere.  *sigh*

Where, have all the "Christians" gone?