I guess that (to some extent) that is to be expected. Intense loss is going to have an affect on you. My life had changed forever and a new normal was suppose to come out of that. But what was that suppose to look like and feel like? There was one thing I knew. I had a choice. I got to choose what this new normal would be. I could be sad, depressed and angry for the rest of my life, or I could find joy again. Honestly, I much prefer the joy option. But in choosing joy, I wanted to make sure it was an authentic joy (not just some plastered smile on my face, while deep down I was a crying depressed mess). More than anything, I want to live my life authentically (whatever that looks like).
For the last several years, I have decided on projects to work on for a year. Reading, running, dieting, grieving.... Each year was filled with growth in unexpected ways. I have decided that this year would be the year of authenticity through creativity. I want to explore my world. I want to get to know (the new, post grief) me. I want to push my limits. I want to try new things. I want to make myself uncomfortable (on purpose). I want to be open to the endless possibilities and say YES to life!
1) First on my list of things to do is to let my natural hair color grow in. I am going to go the entire year of 2016 without coloring my hair. This may not sound like a huge deal to you, but I LOVE my eggplant colored hair. And I really do not like all of the gray in my hair. It's not about denying my age as much as I do not think gray hair is flattering with my skin tone. With that said, last year I KNOW I gained a significant amount of "wisdom glitter" in my hair. I really want to know just how much it is. The only way to do that is to grow it out. I want to welcome it, accept it, and love it (at least for a year). Since my hair is pretty long, I will cut my hair shorter and keep it on the short(ish) side while my roots grow out. It is going to be a painfully slow process, and there is no reason to make it longer by keeping my hair long. So as soon as I am over this cold and my back is up to it, a hair appointment will be made. I'll post pictures when that happens and though out the year, so you, too, can see just how gray my hair has gotten :).
2) I also want to spend this year creating art. Art is a broad term that I intend on using in several ways. Each week, I will create a new piece of art. This new piece of art might be a visual, it might be written, and it might be new choreography. I used to be a prolific poetry and short story writer. I would like to lose (or in this case, find) myself in writing again. I would also like to try new forms of visual art. I picked up a Zentangle book with a gift card, and I just started on that today. It's a form of meditation using drawing. I'm already in love! As new pieces of art are created, I will share them with you. One new piece a week :). I can't wait to do a painting class with Nate soon! I bought him a painting class for his birthday.. a mom/son date night. It is going to be so fun!
3) When it comes to performing this year there are a couple of things I would like to accomplish an do. I would like to choreograph my on belly dance solo and perform it a couple of times this year. I will start looking for music soon. But first I need to decide if it will use any props like veil, Isis wings, zills..that kind of thing. I would also like to sing on stage at burlesque. This is a huge uncomfortable thing for me, but I really want to do it. This may require some voice lessons... I'm not sure. I need to find some background music and sing and see what I sound like. I also want to perform a burlesque duet with Chiffon Headstrong and I want to get my Safety Dance performance done. I think the singing will happen at the end of the year (like November/December). Safety Dance I would like to do before summer break. And the duet with Chiffon I would like to do in September (if that is good by her)..we shall see.
4) I want to try/do new things this year. Once a month I would like to do something I have never done. When I asked my friends on facebook for suggestions, many of them gave suggestions I have already done (maybe not in Idaho, but I have done them..like zip lining). Maybe "new things" should be changed to "new places" that will allow for doing something I have already done but doing it some place new, therefore creating a new experience. But the whole idea is to grow and challenge myself, and doing something I have already done doesn't really meet that requirement. Thanks to Nate, I already have 2 things to do 1) Fencing lessons 2) Improv lessons. These are things I will be doing with Nate and I'm totally excited to use the gifts he gave me for Christmas! So I just need 10 more new things to do...so here is the final count (without having specific dates) 3) Sing a solo on stage 4) skydive 5) Cooking class with Omi at Sur La Table 6) Country Western Dance Class (without Tracy) 7) Science Museum in Salt Lake City 8) Sign Language Class 9) Go to the Opera 10) Go to the Seattle Art Museum 11) White Water Rafting 12) Fly fishing with Tracy.
So there you have it...a year of exploration and creativity. I have my research cut out of me...looking for some of these things, and I need to plan some of this out. But I think these are all do-able and exciting. Some of them are not crazy leaps, but they are experiences I have not had yet...like the Seattle Art Museum (yes I have been to art Museums...but I LOVE art...and I have never been there before so it will be a new experience...the same thing with the Science Museum in Salt Lake). Some of these are free while others will cost a pretty penny. It will be a fun year and I'm excited for what I learn about myself :)
With all of that said..... Here is art project #1 from the beginnings of Zentangle:
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