So do you? And how do you define yourself? How do you really know who you are? Does it change depending on who you are around or is there a core sense of who you are that doesn't change? Is there a particular person in your life that really shakes you and makes you think twice about who you are? Are you swayed easily? Are you a people pleaser and find yourself changing certain things to make other people happy..or wishing you were someone else or like someone else to make someone happy?
I think at some point in our lives, we have all felt like this.
One lesson I have been taught (and that I try very hard to remember in my moments of doubt and frustration) is that people come into our lives for a reason. They are here to teach us something or vise versa. I have also been told that people are just mirrors of us. So if something about that person irritates us, they are just reflecting a part of us that irritates us. So when people come into my life and things get stirred up, I try very hard to remember this and ask myself, "What is it about them that reflects a part of me that I am not happy with?" But what if we can't find the answer?
What if we look at that person and all we see is stuff that seems positive from the outside and stuff you generally like and do anyway, yet that person still gets under your skin? Is it a matter of learning acceptance?
Generally people say, if that person really affects you negatively, then let go of them. But what if the situation is such that you can't? What if it is more complicated than that? What if you have let them go and yet they keep coming back..obviously for a reason... a lesson you haven't learned yet and you need to learn it. So how do you do that? For that matter, how do you figure out what you are suppose to learn so that you CAN learn it?
I'm the kind of person who is open to learning these lessons. I *want* to learn. I *want* to accept. I have a true desire to see the beauty in all things and in all opportunities. But I'm not gonna lie, it can be down right painful and frustrating!
As women we are brought up in such a culture that teaches us that everything is a competition between women. Heck, even men are taught that competition is everything (just look at the love affair with competitive sports). Yet in my spiritual and business practice, I have learned that there is no such thing as competition. There is enough for everyone. But the basic core of what I was taught as a child..."You gotta think, act, look a certain way in order to be accepted by boys, peers, teachers......." You gotta be smarter. You gotta be prettier. Your smile needs to be brighter and whiter. And if you are not, and someone else is chosen by the boy of your dreams, the job you are applying for, your best friend....you are heart broken and feel as though you are not enough. And what happens when that competition is just inside of you. You compete against yourself to get stronger, faster, better and you struggle to meet those goals and again you don't feel "good enough".
I'm not going to lie. This is something I have been dealing with (on several different levels) for a little while now. I have all of these amazing things that people would die for in my life. I have much to be grateful for. So some would say this feeling of "not enough" or "not good enough" is based on lack of gratitude for what I do have. Some would say it is based on jealousy which comes from insecurity. Some would say, "Martha, for Pete's sake, go for a run, you will feel better!" (Which is probably the real truth in all of it...but I'm sick and I can't. So here I sit with diarrhea of the mouth. *laugh*)
The other day I took a personality quiz based on some Jungian thoughts. It compares your personality to that of an animal (based on a test you took). Mine compared me to a dog: "ENFJs are social butterflies who are cheerleaders and supporters of a wide variety of friends and acquaintances. They hate bullying and they love to greet their loved ones with a face lick and a tail wag. They feel good when the people around them feel good, and they tend to adapt to the group that they are in very quickly, even adopting the values of whoever they are surrounded by. They are loyal and expect loyalty from others--think of them as the living embodiment of a 'team player.'" The letters ENFJ basically means I am an extrovert that relies on intuition for information and uses my feelings/emotions/empath while making decisions and in my life I would like things to be set and decided rather than flowing.
You can find this test here.
Anyway, this got me thinking. Am I really swayed by those around me? Am I really not as open to the flow of life as I would like to think I am? I do know that I love being around people. I love cheering people on and helping them reach their goals. And honestly, nothing makes me happier than hearing about someone reaching their goals (no matter what those goals are). I am a very loyal friend and I do expect my friends to be loyal to me, and when they are not, I will walk away.
I know that I tend to be a people pleaser. And I do want others to be happy. So I guess I can be swayed by the people around me in order for them to be happy (sometimes even to my detriment). So where is that fine line? Like a dog, who adores its master, I will do just about anything to make the person I love happy cause all I want in return is to be loved by that person. And like a dog, I thrive on the positive feedback of the people around me. And like a dog, if I feel as though I am not getting that positive feed back or if I am feeling threatened or neglected, I will act out. *laugh*
Every day this life teaches us something about ourselves. And I really try to be open to the teachable moments, even if they are painful. It's vitally important that we become honest with ourselves; this is the only way we can heal and grow and become better. And for those of us holding on to extra baggage known as weight, this is the only way we can truly let go of it for good.
So what do I know about myself? I know that in general I live a life of gratitude and happiness. I am stronger than I think I am. I am beautiful on the inside and out. I am creative. I am passionate. I am compassionate. I am talented. I am a loving and caring individual. I am empathetic. I'm intelligent and intuitive. I love people. I love being around people. I am loyal to a fault. I love quickly and deeply. I'm stubborn and I want people to see things my way and I like things a certain way. I like predictability. I like labels cause they put things in order. I like to know what is expected of me and I like people to know what I expect of them. I love communication and lack there of scares the hell out of me. When I recognize a fear of mine, I really do try to face it head on. I do not let people tell me what I can and can't do. If you tell me that something is impossible, I am likely to do it just to prove you wrong. So go ahead, dare me! I love adventure. I love being active. I love nature and playing in nature. I would totally live my life on a nudist beach or in a nudist colony if I thought the rest of the world would not think twice about it (that includes my entire family). I love music and dancing. I'm a hugger...dogs lick and wag tails, I hug! I'm touchy feely. I'm a hopeless romantic. I am deeply sensitive. I love to laugh. I love to grow, even if the process is painful. I love a good challenge. Unfortunately, I still long for the approval of others and how I feel about myself sometimes depends on how others treat me or how I *THINK* they feel about me (I'm working on that). I'm pretty liberal in the way I view relationships and life. However, I can also be very old-fashioned. (What can I say, I'm a conundrum.)
Here's to continual growth, learning and awareness.....yours and mine :)
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