Last Friday, I went on my long slow training run that was scheduled for 24 miles. From start to finish, it ended up at 24.75 miles.
Why so many miles? Well, I had a change of plan. I had originally decided to train for a 50 mile race in March. Then while talking to another running friend on Facebook about the possibility of her doing 100 miles during the same race I had planned on doing 50, my interest was peaked. What *if* I could do a 100 miler instead of a 50 miler? I have not registered for the race yet. And honestly, the idea of jumping from a 50K to a 50 miler was a little scary, and the idea of jumping from a 50K to 100 miles is deathly scary! So I decided to look up training plans for a 100 mile race. My plan? Train as if I am going to do the 100 miles and when I get closer to race time, check in with my body and make the decision then. The goal is to push myself, not to injure myself. Train smart, race smarter! But it's still scary!
The first 10 miles of my training run were gorgeous and I was feeling so incredibly strong! I was very happy to be out there running and enjoy my day out in nature. My knee that has been speaking to me, was not speaking to me while I ran. My body was feeling great! By mile 14 or so, my back was beginning to hurt. My legs were beginning to cramp up. I was getting tired, and in that moment, I had this huge fear.....
"Going from a marathon of 26.2 miles to a 50K of 31/32 miles is 'easy'. I mean its only another 5 or 6 miles. But the training plans for a 50 mile race have my longest training run at 30 miles. There is a HUGE jump from 30 miles to 50 miles! How is my body going to handle that? Then I *think* I want to do 100 miles? My longest training run for my 100 mile training plan is 30 miles. It's an even bigger jump from 30 miles to 100 miles! I am crazy! I am never going to be able to do this! Even with back to back long run training days, training my legs to run on tired legs, HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS???? This seems impossible! How do people do this? I'm crazy to even *think* I can do this!"
Then, in that moment of serious doubt, depression, fear, my iPod decided to play one of my favorite songs from a punk rock band called Set It Off. I know the young men in this band; they stayed at my house one day. I have seen them twice in concert. They are amazing. And their song "Dream Catcher" played in just the right moment. (Please take a moment to listen to it, it truly is a magnificent song.)
My iPod must have known exactly what I needed. Of course, it followed this song with another very inspirational song about following your dreams. (I have a bunch of those.) Anyway, I was able to keep pushing through the pain, or what I thought was pain. Even my knee decided to talk to me a bit, and I just said, "Yes, I hear you and we are stronger than we think we are so let's just keep going." And I finished my 24.75 miles. I won't lie. I was disappointed in my time, in some regards, but not in others. I want to increase my marathon finishing time to 6 hours. But the 100 mile race I would like to finish with a 20 min/mile pace. Those are two very different goals and training for those are two very different things. I need to remember that. But most of all, I need to be very grateful for my body and the ability to do ANY of this.
Then today, I went back to church for the first time in very long time. Since this is November, of course the message was on gratitude. It really hit home for me when it comes to training for my races and what I was feeling in the dark moment of my long run last Friday. It also spoke to some stuff that Tracy and I went through this week in our relationship. I wanted to take a moment to share these thoughts with you.
Rev. Jackie mentioned a TED talk about Gratitude done by a monk (I think); I do not remember his name. But there were 3 steps in which he mentioned how you could change your life through gratitude....even in the midst of pain. (Let's face it, it's really easy to be grateful when life is fantastic, but it is something completely different to feel genuine gratitude in the midst of a very challenging time.
1) Recognize the gift (opportunity) that is being given to you. (Yes, even if it feels as though it is coming in the form of some kind of pain.
2) Acknowledge the gift. This is not always easy, especially in the midst of pain. In order to acknowledge it, we need to step outside of ourselves (as an act of will) to be able to see things from a different perspective.
3) Welcome the gift. Open your arms wide and accept it. Be receptive with your whole heart. You need to be wide open and vulnerable. Being grateful does not protect us from pain but it will make us stronger so that we can deal with the pain. We will feel all of the pain, but we will also feel so much more gratitude!
So in the midst of the dark part of my training where I doubted everything. I heard the voices of people I know who say, "Maybe you should stick to the 50 miler; that's big enough isn't it. I don't think you are ready for 100 miles." When my body hurt and it started to believe that I am smaller and weaker than I truly am, I had the song come on to remind me to step outside of myself and what I was feeling in that moment and look at where I have come from. Take note of how strong I truly am. This life, my running, is a gift and an opportunity for me to grow not just in physical strength but in every area of my life. Not every one gets this opportunity, and who am I to squander it by believing I am smaller than I am...by believing that I am a limited being. Everything is possible! Infinite possibilities reside in this body and I am grateful and open to them all!
This week while Tracy and I were going through some stuff that brought up memories from a particularly difficult time in our marriage, for the very first time, I was able to stop and look outside of myself and look at things from a different perspective. Then I was able to look on from a place of compassion and gratitude. It was an amazing experience. Then when Rev. Jackie spoke today, she spoke about the exact steps that I went through in order to change things around, and I wanted to share them with you.....
1) Stop..... pay attention to what is going on. Pay attention to what you are feeling.
2) Look.....at it and open your hearts for the opportunity to work with and through you.
3) Go....Live your lives and take the opportunities that life gives you! You must do it and enjoy it even if it is a bit difficult.
Sometimes the memory of a painful moment is the opportunity to learn something and to be grateful. Sometimes it's the opportunity to practice compassion. Sometimes it's an opportunity to learn that you are much stronger than you believe you are! Don't let those opportunities pass you by! Grab them with all of your strength and live your life to the fullest with a heart full of gratitude and keep moving forward! This is the way to change your life. This is the way to change the world. This is the way to finish a 100 mile race...even when your longest training run is only 30 miles!!!
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