September 25, 2016 So Much Glitter!!!!!!!!

Driving to Pengilly's Saloon tonight, it was all I could do to contain my excitement.  My body was literally buzzing and I couldn't stop smiling.  The anticipation that comes with a new act, plus the start of a new burlesque season had my heart over flowing!

I didn't realize just how much I had missed burlesque season. I didn't realize just how much Burlesque means to me.  But man, have I missed it!

Sure, I spent some time this summer taking workshops and being surrounded by some of my burlesque family, but going to the shows and seeing our audience, and feeling that energy is the most incredible thing.  There is such a beautiful exchange of energy at a Burlesque show.

I know there are some people that think, "You just get up on a stage and take off your clothes.  You are just a stripper."  But it is so much more than that.  It starts with this spark of an idea.  Whether its a song or a story or a costume piece, and then it builds from there.  It's performance art from the onset.

Tonight, I performed a brand new piece.  It is one that I started while working on a workshop with Frankly Frankie.  The inspiration for this piece came while I was on a burlesque trip to Colorado with Mimi and Frankie.  The original idea was to take the story "Teddy Bear's Picnic" (that I used to tell on stage) and mix it with music.  But then I decided I didn't want to record the storytelling part of it, and I would just use the Jerry Garcia version of the song Teddy Bear Picnic and part of the original Bear Necessities from Jungle Book.  Thanks to Dan Costello, we mashed the two songs together and the art started flowing from there.  The costume creation was some of the most challenging I have done to this date.  It started with the idea of creating fur cage panties and a fur covered bra.  Then it just kinda took on a life of its own.  I created the cage panties.  I created a little bear tail sewn onto a thong that went on under the cage panties.  I covered a bra with fur; that was an experience all on its own!  Then the idea of creating honeycomb shaped pasties happened.  I never could get the honey comb right, so it ended up being a plain circle.  However, the honey dipper tassels dipped in gold glitter worked out fantastic (once I figured out the mechanics of it all).  Once I had that figured out, I looked through my belly dance costumes to find the right skirt and top to cover all of that up to go from "little girl" to "teddy bear" (as the song implies).    Then it was figuring out how to get the ants  (raisins), in the act and when to strip and when to be playful and when to dance and what other props I need.  There is so much that goes into an act.  It truly is an art.   And in Idaho, our art is being stifled by archaic liquor laws that say women (not men) have to have from the top of the areola and down completely covered.  That is so difficult (without wearing a complete bra..which are not so pretty).  (For the record, men can go completely topless in a bar.. stupid sexist laws.)  But I digress....

Once I had all of the costuming done and the choreo figured out, I had another brilliant idea.  "What if I created a bee hive and filled it with gold glitter and then dumped it on my head like a bear digging his paw into a hive to get to the honey?"  It took some thinking and looking around my house for how I could do this, but I did indeed make the most amazing beehive filled with gold glitter!  I also had little gold bees sewn into my little bear ears and onto my gold bra between my breasts.  I made a huge bee necklace.  It was beautiful and perfect.  The whole costume was so damned cute!

And when the music started, and I came sneaking out wrapped up in a cloak so no one could see my bear ears or my bear costume, I could feel the little girl come to life on that stage.  I saw my audience smile.  I heard them laugh.  I saw them get taken in by the cute little girl on stage who transformed into a playful teddy bear right before their eyes.  When the teddy bear played on the big red yoga ball, they all laughed and played along.  And when I chased my little bear tail around in circles, they giggled.  And with my back to the audience as the fur bra came off and I picked up the beehive to shake it around over my head while I looked over my shoulder and flirted and teased them, I could feel their anticipation......  Then, it happened.  I punched a hole in the bottom of the hive, turned around to face the audience and dumped the "honey" (glitter) all over my body body and they all cheered as I spun my honey dipper tassels.  Success!!!!!!!

Those moments on stage are pure magic.  The give  and take with the audience is pure bliss!  I adore the crowd of regulars.  Having the season start back up is like a huge family reunion, and I am so grateful for them!!!!  I am grateful to Frankly Frankie for providing us with such amazing opportunities.  I love the people I share the stage with.  I love the hugs the kisses the laughter that happens back stage.  I love the family that we create.

And this season, 2 things happened that make me feel so special!  First, I have been struggling with finding a "tag line".  In  Roller Derby, many times your derby name is given to you.  It is like a right of passage.  And I read somewhere that a tag line for burlesque is often given to you by a mentor.  Well that is what happened this week.  Frankly Frankie came up with the perfect tag line for me based on an act that I do (screw it) as well as my silly quirky acts that I keep coming up with... "Leazetta Rose, the screw ball of the Boise Burlesque Scene."  Yes.... that fits me perfectly!!!!  I spend so much of my time being serious.. but on stage, I love being silly and making people laugh!  It's perfect, and I love it!  The other thing that happened tonight, someone asked me for my autograph.  He is a regular to the shows.  He attended the Marvel vs DC show (where I performed in the opening..pre show act) and he asked me to autograph the poster.  Wowzers.  I have never had to sign my stage name for an audience member before.  That felt amazing!  In the last couple of months, people have started recognizing me as a burlesque performer (while I am in street clothes).  That is so crazy to me!

My heart is over flowing tonight!  The amount of love I feel from my burlesque family is amazing.  They truly are my chosen family and I love spending time with them!

My only "complaint" (if I can call it that)... no video was taken tonight of my performance and I didn't get any pictures of me in my bear costume or with my beautiful behive before I punched a whole in the bottom of it.... however, I did get some fun pictures from back stage and with one of my beautiful sisters who did not perform tonight.

 

November 22, 2016 There Is Value In This Pain

First let me say that the last couple of days, maybe even the last couple of weeks have been down right hellish, and I have made quite a spectacle on Facebook.  But you should really see the spectacle I have made in my real life.  I wonder what the neighbors think when they see me running around like a mad woman or hear me screaming and wailing in my back yard.  Facebook gets off easy.

As a writer, as an artist, as a human being I have been met with challenges.  Whether it is dealing with writers block, trying to figure out choreography, or how to make the vision I have in my head become a reality in a piece of art, or just how to figure out how I can keep putting one foot in front of another in order to finish a long distance race... I have always been able to meet the challenges.  So why then, do I feel as though meeting the request (which is not really unreasonable) of someone I love to be excruciatingly painful and feel it is near impossible.  Why do I feel like granting this request feels as though it is censoring my feelings.  Why do I feel as though I am a 3 year old child having its favorite toy being ripped away and then throwing a huge temper tantrum?  Why can't I meet this challenge gracefully, elegantly and peacefully?

Here is what I know.  Grief is selfish.  Grief is hell.  Grief can have a very special way at tearing apart a family.  I'm not talking about just my immediate family.  I have watched it tear apart many families over my life time.  I have seen siblings tear each other apart.  I have seen good marriages crumble to the ground.  I have seen best friends turn on each other after the death of one of their peers.  Why?  Because when people hurt, they look for ways to express it and sometimes they choose to take it out on those that they love.

When one of the women in my close knit social circle died from brain cancer, I was also dealing with my own Dissociative Identity Disorder from something completely unrelated.  We were part of a very close knit circle of friends.  But we all seemed to rally around this friend when she was dieing.  We sat by her bedside in her bedroom in her  home.  We sat around the kitchen table with her kids and her  husband and laughed and drank and just kept everyone company.  We had the 4th of July party in her back yard, with her in her bed dieing...because that is what she would have wanted... she loved the 4th of July and always had a party there where everyone could watch the fireworks from her back yard.  But once she died, anger took hold and ripped apart our circle.  Or more specifically, I was a target for someone's anger.

My therapist, at the time, warned me.  "Martha, when there is a group like that, there is going to be someone who becomes the focal point for the anger that they feel for the loss of the loved one.  Just be prepared."  I thought, "nah, that won't happen."  But sure enough, it did.  And it was directed right at me.  I not only lost my friend who died, but I also lost my social circle.. my support group.. not just for grief for but real life.  And it happened at a time, when I was in emotional need to begin with.  I never felt so alone..... until now.

I realize I am not perfect.  I realize that I over share.  I realize that when I think I am talking about my own life  (which happens to include other people..cause I'm not a hermit) that other people are mentioned in my blog and what I have said has hurt people that I love.  I am sorry that I hurt them.  It was never my goal to hurt anyone from my blog posts.

I have been called disrespectful.  I have been likened to a Psycho Bitch.  I have been asked to completely rethink the way I write my blogs and the words I choose.  I am doing my very best to wrap my head around this.  I saw this great quote today..."From the outside looking in, you can never understand.  From the inside looking out, I can never explain."  That is what I feel about what I write in my blogs.  My blogs are very personal to me and never directed at anyone.  They are about my own experiences and how I feel about those experiences.  When I have tried to protect people from my blog, other readers of my blog have gone to people mentioned in my blog and stirred up shit with them.. when they would have never known it was there (unless someone brought it to their attention).  I have never meant to trash talk anyone, but rather express my feelings about things that have happened.  I realize now that no matter what my intentions were, other people perceive them differently and my words hurt people.  And I'm sorry for that.

I have considered starting a new blog all together, but the idea of separating my grief part of my blog from my real life felt like a part of me was being cut off.  I felt like creating a new blog under fictitious names was not being authentic, and if there is one thing important to the grief process of healing, it is being authentic to yourself and with your feelings.  I felt like I couldn't talk about my son Nick by his name and that hurt more than anything.

All in all, I feel like no one understands how important this blog is to me.  No one understands how important it is to me to be authentic.  No one understands how censoring myself hurts.  Yet, at the same time, I am expected to understand how my words can and have hurt people so I must change.

This is me.  My writing is an extension of me.  But I will do what is best.  I will look at this as a challenge to become a better writer.. to find better words... to think and re-think what I write.

I will do my best to let go of resentment of people who read my blogs and stir up trouble (even if they didn't mean to).   I will do my best to let go of resentment I have in regards to  how this is affecting my relationship with my husband.

The only safe way to express all of my thoughts is to keep it private, but I am not a private person.  The only safe way for me to express all of my thoughts is to hand write it in a journal, but nothing I write is legible thanks to my TBI.  But here's the deal.  I don't write just for me.  I write because I have people tell me that what I write helps them understand or deal with their own grief.  I write because what I put out there provides value to other people.  My pain provides value.

There is that saying, "You have freedom of speech, but you are not free from the consequences from using that freedom."  So, here I am suffering the consequences of using my free speech.  And it is the love that I have for my family that now challenges me to be a better person.. to be a better writer.. to find a safer way to express my feelings.

September 19, 2016 #LegalizeIdahoArt

Six years ago, I started watching burlesque at the Visual Arts Collective.  The show I went to watch was called The Red Light Variety Show.  I was amazed at the performances I saw there.  The show included traditional ballet, pole dancing, hula hoops, comedy, strip tease, and so much more.  I thought to myself, "Wow!  Those women are so brave and beautiful!  I wish I had that kind of confidence!  One day, I want to be on that stage!"

In 2011, I started taking better care of my body.  I started losing weight.  I remember saying on Facebook that one day I was going to be part of the Red Light Variety Show.  But I thought, "First I have to get to my perfect body weight and be fitter.  No one wants to see my fat body on stage."   I started belly dancing that year.  I also started taking dance classes at Ophidia Dance Studio, where I knew the owners there were also part of The Red Light Variety Show.  I would get to the studio early and watched the tail end of Kelly Green's Chair Dance and Burlesque class.  She was one of my favorite performers for the Red Light. I was in awe.  But I was still too self-conscious even to take her class.   My body  never got perfect, and I never joined the Red Light Variety Show.  Instead, it took me another 3 years to take a workshop with Frankly Frankie (one of the founders of The Red Light Variety Show and the founder of Frankly Burlesque).  

I stood in a room with about 4 other women.  We were all nervous about what we might learn.    In that few hours with Frankie, we performed acting and movement exercises that helped us become comfortable not with just ourselves but with the other participants in the room.   We learned a choreographed dance.  We also learned how to twirl tassels.  Learning to twirl tassels meant (for many of us) getting completely topless and taping on pasties over our areolas.  Getting to this state of  undress in front of women you just met is a bit unnerving.  At the same time, it is completely freeing and empowering.  We laughed and giggled as we learned to twirl our tassels.  Each one of us learned to love our bodies just the way they were in that moment.  There was no judgment.  It was pure acceptance.  That night we agreed that we wanted to perform on stage at the next Frankly Burlesque and we made a second date to finish up costuming and choreography.  However, when that date came, Frankie informed me that it was just me willing to go on stage, and asked if I would be comfortable performing a solo.  My answer was a resounding, "Yes!"

For another week or so, I continued working on  my costume.  I spent hours looking through costume ideas on the computer.  I spent hours in craft stores and at my kitchen counter putting together the perfect costume.  Then I was informed that Idaho State Law says we have to keep our "underboob" covered at all times.    This threw a kink into things.  The art..the dance I had learned.. required tassel spinning.  This requires the flesh of my breasts to move in such a way to give movement to the tassels.  How was I going to do that with a full bra on?  I am not the size of a woman that can buy a quarter cup bra and make it look cute.  I am a full figured woman with breasts to match.  I finally found a bra that I had 2 layers to it. One layer was a mesh layer. I was able to cut away the opaque thicker layer and leave the mesh sheer layer in tact.  This, of course, cost more money.  But I was able to do it.

Finally, performance night arrived.  I slipped into my black fishnet stocking, my black sequined panties and my black sheer bra.  I taped on my pasties over the black bra.  Then I slipped on my beautiful feather and crystal bra that I created.  I wrapped my white feather boa around me slipped into my heels and took place on the stage.  On the other side of the curtain, I could hear Frankie introduce me.  The curtain opened, the music started and I performed my dance.  At the end of the dance, I slipped off that feathered bra and stood on the stage in my panties, black bra, and white pasties and spun my tassels to the roar of the crowed.  It was the most empowering thing I have ever done!

My body is not perfect.   Currently, I am a 47 year old mom  and grandma with the body to show for it.  I have stretch marks and c-section scars on my belly.  My breasts have never been perky.  I have cellulite on my legs.  I have gray hair on my head.  And I love burlesque!  I love hearing a song and being inspired to create some silly performance to it.  I love the creation of the costume and the creativity it takes to choreograph a performance.  This is art.  Every bit of it is art.  From the choreography to the costume to the performance itself.  Once it all comes together and I am on stage, there is a conversation with the audience.  There is an authenticity that you can't get in any other performance form.  When I am on stage, and peeling off my clothes, there is intention behind every movement.  There is a story being told.  And when I have to create an act around the laws that were created so long ago, the creative process is censored and hindered.  The conversation I want to have with the audience loses it's authenticity.   As a performer and an artist I become stifled.  

Burlesque is not just stripping for stripping's sake.  It is a powerful medium that can be political, funny, sad, absurd, and yes, sometimes even a bit raunchy.  But this art form is performed in bars where the patrons are at the minimum 18 and up.  Most of the time, it is performed in bars where the patrons need to be 21 and older.  The patrons know what they are coming to see.  They understand there will be stripping and suggestive dancing and material.  They are consenting adults.   The laws, as they stand, say that a woman can not show her underboob in a place that has a liquor license.  Yet, it is perfectly acceptable for a man to get completely topless in the same bar with the same liquor license.  Why?  The law also states that where there is a liquor license involved and liquor being sold, no simulated sex acts may take place.  If that is the case, then most dance bars in Boise need to have their licenses revoked.   These laws are not just out-dated from ages gone by, but they are also sexist.  Not only are they sexist and out dated, but they violate my first amendment to freedom of speech.  The constitution protect my right to create art in the way I see fit.  Burlesque is art.  It is an important medium that allows both men and women to create art that reflects their views on politics, society, religion, relationships, and every emotion felt as a human being!  

Please take a look at the link below and share this blog post.  Let's let the world know how out-dated the Idaho Laws are and support those who are fighting for free speech and free art!  #LegalizeIdahoArt  #UncoverIdahoArt

https://acluidaho.org/art-gallery-theater-and-acclaimed-artist-file-lawsuit-challenging-restrictions-on-live-performance/

September 13, 2016 Words From A Bumbling Athlete

The saga of the painful left knee continues, and today's episode is filled with a sobering reality as well as pride and hope.

I have had three knee surgeries on my left knee.  The first one was in 2000 after a skiing accident dislocated it.  The surgeon did a scope to clean out some cartilage damage, but nothing major was wrong with it.  It healed up quickly and life was good.    In 2008, I had the brilliant idea to go roller skating for the first time in something like 9 years.  I was doing great until a kid cut me off, took me out, and I landed HARD directly on my patella.  Then a few weeks later, I started roller derby.  The pain in my knee became unbearable.  I did some physical therapy, but it never really got better.  I ended up quitting roller derby because the pain was too much and I didn't want to destroy my knee.  In 2011, I decided I would lose weight and pick up running.  I ran and ran and ran until finally it hurt my knee too badly to run.  With another round of physical therapy under my belt, we decided to have a second knee surgery.  This time the surgeon did a lateral tendon release and cleaned up some scar tissue again.  I recovered and went back to running. I was able to complete my first ultra marathon and start training for another one before my back became injured and required a  second back surgery (first one was in 2006).  After my fifth concussion  (due to a cycling accident) in 2013 and my second back surgery in 2014, I said goodbye to running.  However, on New Year's Eve of 2015, my knee decided to act up again.  I wasn't doing anything.  Quite literally, I was doing NOTHING.  I was in a car on a road trip to Seattle for the holiday.  I got out of the car, and my knee was in excruciating pain.  After months of pain,  another round of physical therapy, steroid shots and joint juice shots, we went back into surgery.  More scoping of scar tissue, cleaning out arthritis, and repairing a meniscus.  But that still didn't take care of the pain.  So here we are, 4 months after my last knee surgery, my fourth knee surgery is scheduled for October 17th.  It will be a "knee replacement" or as my doctor calls is a "knee resurfacing".  I have been totally excited about this surgery and the thought of not being in pain anymore.  Then I went to my pre-surgery physical therapy appointment.  And that excitement kind of changed.   I am now feeling a kind of "respect" for what is to come.

Before I go into the change from excitement to respect, let me tell you about my PT appointment.

I had an appointment with a new physical therapist.  As you can imagine, with 3 knee surgeries, a TBI, and 2 back surgeries, I have had my share of physical therapists.  Today's PT was amazing.  I really liked the guy!  I explained to him that I have been going back to the gym and working with a personal trainer.  He asked me what I have been doing with the trainer, and he was not very thrilled.  Doug, my PT told me that some of the exercises I have been doing, while good for a healthy knee, are NOT good for my knee in my current situation.  It won't make my knee worse, but it will make my recovery much more difficult.  He gave me some new exercises to do.  He made adjustments to the ones my trainer has given me and I am totally excited to do these in the gym.  They don't hurt to do them and I can feel my muscles getting stronger.  As I worked with him, I could see him finding humor in my situation.  Maybe it wasn't him finding humor; maybe it was me.

Let's face it.  I'm 47 years old.  I have had 2 back surgeries, 3 knee surgeries and 5 concussions that have resulted in major TBI  issues.  I have gone from couch potato and seasonal skier and or snowboarder with the occasional softball team or volleyball team  and a short stint in roller derby to an ultra marathon runner, endurance cyclist, and dancer.  And now I am looking at a knee replacement.  I was in a PT office that, for the most part, was filled with elderly patients.  I felt as though I was the youngest person in the world to have a knee replacement.  While I know that is not true, that is what it felt like.  And quite honestly, I find it a bit humorous.  When I talked to Doug about my adventures in sports, I saw the light in his eyes.  I saw the amazement.  I don't look like your typical athlete.  Nor do I look like your typical dancer.  But, none the less, I am these things and my body has paid the price.  Doug just looked at me and said, you are strong, and I have no doubt you will recover quickly.  That alone made me feel so  much better!

I really do feel like a "bumbling athlete"....rolled ankles, TBI, knee surgeries, back surgeries.....seriously.  But it's all good.  Why?  Cause I am an athlete.  I am a dancer.  I live my life to the fullest, and it sure beats sitting on the couch and watching life pass me by!

Oh ya.. back to the change in feelings about my surgery.  I was excited to finally have this surgery and stop being in pain.  I was excited about being able to get back to the things I love.  Then I met with Doug AND I spoke to the hospital where I will be having my surgery.  First Doug tells me that I will have a full leg brace when I come out of surgery and I will be using a cane or a walker.  He said that I will need to learn how to roll out of bed (but I already know how to do that thanks to all of my other surgeries).  He told me how I will have to sleep to avoid extraordinary pain.  It was sobering.  Then I came home and spoke to the hospital.  Apparently I have to go to a class about my knee replacement where I will learn how to move correctly in order to not injure myself after surgery and to recover faster.  I have to go to a class?    It all began to sink in.  The excitement I had been feeling started to dissipate and in its place respect or reverence for what this surgery really is.  It is going to hurt like hell.  Recovering, while I am strong and hungry for a healthy knee, is going to hurt like hell.  In ALL of my surgeries (3 c-sections, 3 knees, 2 back, 1 hysterectomy, and even in my TBI) I have been hell bent on the quickest recoveries.  I have been hell bent on "return to sport" as quickly as possible.  I have been hell bent on getting up and being back to normal as quickly as possible.  But this surgery is the biggest surgery I have ever had.  The scar will be bigger than any I have.  The pain will likely be more than I have ever experienced.  And it is vital that I start exercising my knee as soon as I wake up and move to my own room that I start moving my leg and start my physical therapy exercises.  The results of not doing these things is very sobering.   My PT is positive that I have what it takes to recovery quickly and completely.  He says I am strong and ready.  He insisted that I work hard (and smart) for the next 4 weeks to make sure I am strong so I can recover quickly.  So there is hope.

I am optimistically sober and I am totally ready to have this surgery!

September 12, 2016 Just Some Random Thoughts

Hi, y'all!  I'm  not sure any of this is going to make sense.  So read at your own boredom or risk.  I have had alot of things floating around in my head lately.  Some of them make sense while others do not.  And I just need to get them out of my head to maybe shed some light on a few things (for myself...)

It's been a lonely couple of weeks.  My bestie was out of town at Burning Man..my other bestie up and moved to Texas but we have chatted quite a bit, and I am so very grateful for him.  But things have been weird in "friendville" lately.  It's been lonely.  Oh wait, I already said that.  I have friends.  I have a big circle of people.  But the issue is, most of them work or they have younger kids at home or they are traveling.  I find myself at home with lots of thoughts to myself.  That is not necessarily a good thing.  For that matter, Facebook is not really a good thing either. Other friends I have on Facebook are sharing things on facebook that I find kind of shocking... well more shocking that they think that way. It's a weird revelation.  There is a reason we are told never to discuss politics, religion and sports in public.  LOL  I find myself feeling unsafe sharing my thoughts on facebook... or even my blog.  So I just keep it to myself or let it all out when Tracy gets home, and his response is.. "Get off of facebook!"

Since my last post on here, I had a really ugly break down.  I mean REALLY UGLY!  I don't think words can do it justice.  I ended up walking out of my house and "disappearing" for I don't know how long.  I really only walked to the park at the school in my neighborhood, but I left without my phone and didn't tell anyone where I went.  I sat on a bench by one of the baseball diamonds and just cried.  I cried for hours.  One man and his son asked if I was okay.  I found a way to muster a smile and assure him I was okay.  But I was far from it.  For those of you who don't know, I have PTSD and have had dissociative identity disorder (DID).   The DID has not been an issue in a very long time (at least while in a sober state).  But that night on the bench, I checked out.  It's not full on "differnet personality", it is more like I am trapped inside of my brain, and my brain and body refuse to function the way I tell it too.  It shuts down.  I can not talk and I have to either fight my way back to reality and in control of my actions or I have to sleep it off.  Well, while I was crying on this bench as the sun set and it got dark and cold, I checked out.  At some point, Nate came by and found me.  He sat next to me and I was scared of him and scrambled and turned away from him.  (He was so young when I had personality changes; he does not ever remember me with these issues so this was new to him.) Poor kid.  He thought I was mad at him  (for something he had done earlier before I freaked out).  I felt so bad for him.  When he left, I just kinda laid down in a fetal position on the bench.  Later he came back with a blanket and put it on  me.  I still could not talk or blink. Snot was rolling down my face and I was unable to clean it up.  I had completely checked out.  Eventually, Tracy found me.  At first he was pretty mad at me then he realized I was checked out.  He somehow got me off of the bench and got me walking home, but he had to pretty much hold me up.  It was ugly.   I was finally in my bed, completely clothed.  I was fighting to come back to reality. I needed to tell my son that I was not mad at him that this was not his fault.  But I couldn't.  I couldn't talk.  I fought hard, and finally won enough control to jump out of bed and run into Nate's room.  The look on his face was horrifying.  He saw my eyes.  He knew something was wrong.  He knew it wasn't me.  He had no idea what was going on.  I just wrapped my arms around his neck and held on for dear life as I cried.  I needed him to know that I loved him.   I some how climbed the stairs to give Omi a hug but she was in the shower.  I just went back to bed... and slept it off.

The next day, I was back to "normal".  I was able to explain (as best I could) to Nate what had happened and that it was not his fault.  And, I went back to taking my anti-depressants that the brain doctor gave me after I had my hysterectomy.  I also went back to taking my estrogen (which I had not been taking).    Have I mentioned lately, how much I hate pills?

Anyway, I guess I was depressed.  I know that I have been profoundly mourning my son.  I had been dealing with alot of anger.  There have been alot of feelings and it all just became too much (which is why I checked out).

All of this happened right before I was supposed to perform on the burlesque stage.  It took everything I had to get back up on that stage.  I really just wanted tot say on the couch.  I managed to get dressed up.  I managed to get to the venue. I managed to smile.  While I checked in with the bouncer and had him check off my  name on the ticket list, I saw that Suzy was coming.  I didn't think much about it other than I was glad she was getting out of the house.  Then later when people were coming in, Tracy told me that Suzy and her boyfriend were sitting next to him.  Okay.  I saw Suzy walking around and I gave her a hug and told her I was glad to see her out.  I was busy fluttering around before the show..  like I always do. Nervous energy...and visiting with guests at the show.  Then I got on stage and I smiled and I performed.  I am always happy when I get on stage.  At intermission I made a point of catching Suzy's boyfriends eye and waving and smiling at him.  And that is when my night turned.  He saw me and actively turned his back on me.  When I went to sit beside Suzy and talk to them, he actively avoided me and gave me the cold shoulder.  His parents were there, his Mom said hi and was pleasant, but he was rude.  As the show went on and he heckled my friend on stage, I became increasingly annoyed and angry.  "How dare he come to a show that I am in and treat me that way?"  "They don't come to shows in months and when they do it's with his parents and they sit next to us.  Going to shows used to be our family thing..now she is here with another family."   I was so glad that I did not have to get back up on that stage that night.  I was so pissed/hurt. What did I do to him?  It was all I could do to go out and dance at the after party that night.  As a matter of fact, I just danced alone most of the night.. using dance as my therapy.  But I was still so upset.  Heavy hearted.  A couple of days later, I find that his mom had unfriended me on Facebook.  What did I do?  I really don't know.  And I guess it really doesn't matter.   But my heart breaks.  When he started dating Suzy, he promised me he was not going to take her away..that he only wanted to add to our family and that he wanted to honor Nick's memory and that he loved and missed Nick.  Well instead....our family has been torn apart.  It has been made pretty clear that as long as Suzy is dating him, we will never be able to have family gatherings with Suzy.  We can see Suzy without him..but not with him around.  My heart breaks, but I have to move on.  My family has to move on.  Naomi misses the sister she thought she had.  Nate misses Suzy.  Tracy still sees her on occasion at lunches.  But that is it.  And to be honest...now that she is back to attending burlesque shows... I am just not sure I can handle being on stage with him present.  I don't know if I will be able to smile and be happy.  I am seriously considering giving in to that and not performing anymore.

With that said, I have a performance coming up in a couple of weeks.  A new act I have been working on.  I have been dragging my feet when it comes to performing....mostly cause my heart is hurting and finding the joy it takes to practice is difficult.  I know once I am on the stage, it is fine.  But the getting to that point is very difficult for me right now.  But I do love this act.  And it will be the last time I get to perform before I have knee surgery.. so perform I will!

That's the other thing.  Knee surgery!  I get to finally have that knee replacement.  Well, the doctor calls it "knee resurfacing".  The bottom of my femur will be shaved and have a metal plate put in place.  The top of my tibia will be shaved and have a plastic "cushion" put in place with a fin that goes down into the bone to hold it in place.  He says I will feel like going to the grocery store within 4 weeks.  Let's hope so!  My knee is cranky, as usual.  But all of the work I have been doing at the gym is helping.  I see my legs getting stronger.  I see my balance betting better.  These are good things!  I am really hoping that my knee will get better faster than 4 weeks...thanks to all of the exercise before hand.

I do have alot on my mind.  Some of it is just this nagging feeling like I am searching for something.  I don't know what it is.  I have tried to sort it out, but it is not there.  Maybe its just a sense of restlessness.  I don't know.  I do feel a bit lighter after my break down.  Maybe I just needed to cry, cause honestly I had not had a cry like that.. not at all....since Nick was killed. Ya, I have cried.. but not like that... It was good for me.

So here it is.. autumn is just around the corner.  It's my favorite time of year.  I really want to go hiking up to Stack Rock before my surgery. I just don't know when.  My weekends are pretty booked with weddings, performance, and Omi's flag stuff.  And I need a friend to go with me cause I don't know how to get there on my own... nor should I go alone (thanks to my knee).  I need a friend who can handle my slowness.  I want to get out and enjoy this time of year before I am stuck in the house recovering.  The gym is important...but man I am such an outside girl!  If Brandon was here, he would go with me. LOL

Ah well.  I guess I should get off of this thing and get to work on finishing up the costume for my upcoming performance.  Thanks for listening to me vent.