At the beginning of the year, I created a list of things I wanted to get one this year. They were goals. The idea was to focus on art, authenticity and spreading my wings and trying new things. I have checked quite a few things off of my list or have at least made some serious progress. Other things have fallen by the way side but have been replaced with new things. Re-evaluating goals is a good thing.
So...... here we go:
1) My natural hair color is still growing out. It's not as gray as I thought it would be. I also bought 2 new wigs (my first ever) to wear for performances and fun. One is red and crazy; the other is long brown with a bit of red and purple. Both are gorgeous and totally me!
2) I wanted to get Safety Dance piece performed before summer break, and I did! I also wanted to get a duet with Chiffon done by September. We have made progress on this. Choreo is written and costumes decided. We are on track! I wanted to sing on stage before the end of the year.... that might happen. Not sure yet. But I have also put together 3 brand new acts....which were not on the list!
3) I wanted to create new art every week. I do not think this has happened. I have been very busy with burlesque. My "art" has been spent in costuming and choreographing. I am pretty happy with where my creativity is taking me. I am reaching out and going in directions I never thought I would with my burlesque. I am creating characters that I never thought I would. I even have a creepy Mary Poppins coming up, and it is totally taking me outside of my comfort zone. I have sewn (with Tracy's help) a new costume. I have created new pasties and working with new "mediums".
4) I had a list of "new things" I wanted to do that included fencing and improv classss. I'm not sure that is going to get done..but who knows. It still might. However, I HAVE put myself out there and applied for 2 new burlesque festivals out of state. Colorado turned me down. I'm still waiting to hear the results from AburlyQ in NM. Putting myself out there is a bit scary, bu I am learning so much about myself as a performer and as a human being. The other new thing I have done was a promo photo shoot. I have never hired a professional photographer for the soul purpose of taking pictures of just me. I had 3 outfit changes...costumes. I stripped in font of the camera and posed and had so much fun! I need to loosen up in front of a camera. I can't wait to see the pictures. I also went to my first rave. It was quite the experience. I just love to dance and it was my friends birthday. It was fun. It's not something I plan on doing all of the time, but it was an experience.
It's almost the end of April and I think I am doing pretty good with my goals and living an authentic life. I am learning what it means to be "me" again. I love doing burlesque. I love the personal growth it is providing me. I am going from this socially awkward person to someone who enjoys meeting new people and being socially engaging. My burlesque persona is definitely more out going than I am usually, but she is an extension of who I am. Putting myself out there and setting myself up for rejection is a huge growth opportunity. Being able to express myself through performance is so freeing and amazing. Designing costumes and storylines feeds my soul. And doing all of these things allows me to set an example for my children... to reach for their goals, put themselves out there and take rejection and turn it into growth.
I am also finding more and more that I love my burly family. I spent all of my life hating my body. I grew up thinking I was fat and unworthy. As an adult I looked at other women and still felt like I wasn't good enough. I am too awkward. I am too ugly. I am too fat. I am not good enough. All of those things have gone through my head. "Other women are better than me." For years I have sat in the audience of burlesque shows and just wished I could be on of those women. And here I am. I AM one of those women. But more importantly, I find myself back stage with amazingly talented and beautiful women and I am accepted as one of them. They are telling me that I am beautiful. Thy are telling me that I am talented. Today at the photo shoot, my mentors kept telling me how cute or pretty or sexy I was. It's a sisterhood in which none of us are competition...but sisters who love and accept and support each other. This doesn't happen just at stage time, but as friends in street clothes in our personal lives. We are a family, and I get to be part of it. And slowly this family of mine is growing to include performers from other states! It's a beautiful thing!
I am grateful for the life I get to live!!!! It's a wonderful adventure!
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
April 13, 2016 Just Catching Up....
and some realizations...
There really isn't anything hugely important to blog about really. Life just keeps rolling along. Every day is something new.
However, there have been notable things that have happened I suppose.
1) Back in March I applied for the Colorado Burlesque Festival. My mentors told me I was ready for festival performances so I believed them and I put myself out there. That was pretty scary stuff. I didn't have a good, professional video of the piece I wanted to submit, so Tracy caught it on our cell phones at home. *laugh* I submitted it that night. And I found out last week that I was no accepted. There was a small gaggle of us Boise performers who applied and as far as I can tell only one of us was accepted. Yay for Juniper Rose, I could not be happier for her! I was rejected. It's not the first time I have put myself out on the line for a performance. I have applied to be a featured storyteller for events here in town and have been rejected. It's hard not to take this personally sometimes, especially when the piece is so personal. However, I am happy to say that I did not take this rejection personally. I was a bit sad, but I was not torn to shreds. It's a matter of life. Out in the world, there are thousands and millions of people out there wanting to grab just a stream of light on their artistry, and you artistry has to fit what the producers are looking for to fill their show. It's not a reflection of how good you are; it is simply about what the producers feel will fit their show best. Somewhere along the line, I have grown as a performer. Yay!
2) Nick birthday came and went. It was gearing up to be a very difficult day. I didn't' think it would be so hard. We had planned on a fire pit night. We invited Suzy to join us but did not really think she would come. She has pretty much cut us out of her life (which I guess is what she needs to do to heal and move on). We wanted her here and when we she messaged us that day saying she was not coming, it did feel like a little punch to the gut. But it wasn't totally unexpected. It just made the day a bit harder. Ever since she moved out, we have been dealing with the grief of not just losing Nick, but also losing the daughter in love we have loved for so many years. We love her and only want her to be happy and want the best for her. Everyone in the family was "feeling it". Naomi asked "is anyone else coming tonight?" I knew what she meant. I simply replied, "It is just the 4 of us." Thankfully, Jared and Breezy knew that Nick's birthday would be difficult and they drove from Twin Falls just to be with us that night. There was laughter and love as we celebrated Nick and Jared and Breezy's baby boy in the oven! It ended up being a beautiful day! So grateful for our bonus kids!
3) I realized the other day that days, weeks, months have gone by. When I made the decision to get off of the "anniversary train" when it came to grief. Yes, we did just celebrate Nick's birthday, and the days leading up to it were a bit emotional (but not because of Nicks death). We will always remember his birthday and the day he was taken from us. But I realized that I don't remember the exact months he has been gone. I realize that the 10th of the month comes and goes and I don't think about it. I am grateful that I am able to celebrate and live my life without always feeling the heavy weight that comes with counting down till the next anniversary or reminder of him being gone. I am very grateful for the constant reminders and visitations from Nick. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is always with us and that is all that matters to me.
4) One of Nick and Suzy's friends sent me a link to Nick's myspace account and I got to look through the pictures there last night. I loved seeing the photos he took. I loved looking at life through his eyes. He had such an amazing way of capturing life with a camera lens! I loved looking at his hippy clothes. I loved looking at pictures of him and his brother and sister and the love they all shared. I loved seeing pictures with him and Suzy and how much they loved each other. I loved remembering the happy times..the simpler times. I miss him. I miss her. I miss what my family was. This new normal is hard to get used to, but getting used to, I must do and I am finally coming to terms with that, and I'm grateful for that.
5) Nate has been sharing some of his music with me. I don't talk about it much..mostly cause Nate doesn't share it with me much. But Nate has an excellent voice and a very raw talent. It is his music that keeps him sane after Nick's death. It is how he copes. It is how he expresses himself. Every once in a while, he shares a new beat he has created or a new song he just let free flow while he recorded. He created a piece last night about missing Nick. He let me listen to it today and it brought me to tears. I wasn't crying cause I was sad.. I was crying because it was beautiful and because he shared something so intimate with me. Nate has such a beautiful, gentle soul and his music is so pure and honest.
6) They say the proof is in the pudding. I guess this is true when it comes to measure whether or not we are moving on with life. We moved into this house a month before Nick was taken from us. We had huge plans for the back yard. We had huge plans for a big house warming party. But all of that came to a screeching halt (obviously). But now, here we are. Today an electrician has been at my house all day long installing the wiring we need for he new hot tub that we have ordered. The concrete guy comes in two weeks or so. The hot tub should be installed by May 4th. Tracy and I have been in the back yard getting things cleaned up and prepped for the big additions. Things are finally falling into place. We are finally getting things moving and making this house our sanctuary and our home. We are moving forward with life and creating spaces to celebrate with friends and family. It feels good.
Life isn't all unicorns and rainbows, but it sure feels good to be on the upswing. I have faith that all will work out the way it is supposed to work out. That relationships will heal as they are meant to (or not). I am not attached to the outcome anymore. I can only infuse the situation with love. I can only love myself, my family, and those around me. I can't force them to accept my love..but I can love without exception or condition which is what I will continue to do. I am forgiving those who have hurt me, and as I type his Michaeleen Blair's name popped into my head. Yes, even the woman who took my son from me. I forgive her (not for her sake, but for mine). Before Nick was taken from us, I was a beacon of joy and love and light. It's time to reignite that and be who I was meant to be all along. Bad things happen in life, but we don't have to let those things dictate how we live our lives. We get to choose how we react to those things.
Oh ya... one more thing...
7) In the last week, I have been approached by 2 of my friends on facebook about concussions. They are both scared about what they are experiencing and don't know what is normal. They have not yet seen the specialists. Today I am very grateful for my brain injury...it has allowed me to help others feel not so alone. I allows me to shed some light in a very dark spot. It allows me to give them some direction and maybe even a sense of control (to some extent) back (because they have a bit of a clue of what needs to happen next). I am grateful for the experiences that have shaped my life so that I might share with others.
There really isn't anything hugely important to blog about really. Life just keeps rolling along. Every day is something new.
However, there have been notable things that have happened I suppose.
1) Back in March I applied for the Colorado Burlesque Festival. My mentors told me I was ready for festival performances so I believed them and I put myself out there. That was pretty scary stuff. I didn't have a good, professional video of the piece I wanted to submit, so Tracy caught it on our cell phones at home. *laugh* I submitted it that night. And I found out last week that I was no accepted. There was a small gaggle of us Boise performers who applied and as far as I can tell only one of us was accepted. Yay for Juniper Rose, I could not be happier for her! I was rejected. It's not the first time I have put myself out on the line for a performance. I have applied to be a featured storyteller for events here in town and have been rejected. It's hard not to take this personally sometimes, especially when the piece is so personal. However, I am happy to say that I did not take this rejection personally. I was a bit sad, but I was not torn to shreds. It's a matter of life. Out in the world, there are thousands and millions of people out there wanting to grab just a stream of light on their artistry, and you artistry has to fit what the producers are looking for to fill their show. It's not a reflection of how good you are; it is simply about what the producers feel will fit their show best. Somewhere along the line, I have grown as a performer. Yay!
2) Nick birthday came and went. It was gearing up to be a very difficult day. I didn't' think it would be so hard. We had planned on a fire pit night. We invited Suzy to join us but did not really think she would come. She has pretty much cut us out of her life (which I guess is what she needs to do to heal and move on). We wanted her here and when we she messaged us that day saying she was not coming, it did feel like a little punch to the gut. But it wasn't totally unexpected. It just made the day a bit harder. Ever since she moved out, we have been dealing with the grief of not just losing Nick, but also losing the daughter in love we have loved for so many years. We love her and only want her to be happy and want the best for her. Everyone in the family was "feeling it". Naomi asked "is anyone else coming tonight?" I knew what she meant. I simply replied, "It is just the 4 of us." Thankfully, Jared and Breezy knew that Nick's birthday would be difficult and they drove from Twin Falls just to be with us that night. There was laughter and love as we celebrated Nick and Jared and Breezy's baby boy in the oven! It ended up being a beautiful day! So grateful for our bonus kids!
3) I realized the other day that days, weeks, months have gone by. When I made the decision to get off of the "anniversary train" when it came to grief. Yes, we did just celebrate Nick's birthday, and the days leading up to it were a bit emotional (but not because of Nicks death). We will always remember his birthday and the day he was taken from us. But I realized that I don't remember the exact months he has been gone. I realize that the 10th of the month comes and goes and I don't think about it. I am grateful that I am able to celebrate and live my life without always feeling the heavy weight that comes with counting down till the next anniversary or reminder of him being gone. I am very grateful for the constant reminders and visitations from Nick. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is always with us and that is all that matters to me.
4) One of Nick and Suzy's friends sent me a link to Nick's myspace account and I got to look through the pictures there last night. I loved seeing the photos he took. I loved looking at life through his eyes. He had such an amazing way of capturing life with a camera lens! I loved looking at his hippy clothes. I loved looking at pictures of him and his brother and sister and the love they all shared. I loved seeing pictures with him and Suzy and how much they loved each other. I loved remembering the happy times..the simpler times. I miss him. I miss her. I miss what my family was. This new normal is hard to get used to, but getting used to, I must do and I am finally coming to terms with that, and I'm grateful for that.
5) Nate has been sharing some of his music with me. I don't talk about it much..mostly cause Nate doesn't share it with me much. But Nate has an excellent voice and a very raw talent. It is his music that keeps him sane after Nick's death. It is how he copes. It is how he expresses himself. Every once in a while, he shares a new beat he has created or a new song he just let free flow while he recorded. He created a piece last night about missing Nick. He let me listen to it today and it brought me to tears. I wasn't crying cause I was sad.. I was crying because it was beautiful and because he shared something so intimate with me. Nate has such a beautiful, gentle soul and his music is so pure and honest.
6) They say the proof is in the pudding. I guess this is true when it comes to measure whether or not we are moving on with life. We moved into this house a month before Nick was taken from us. We had huge plans for the back yard. We had huge plans for a big house warming party. But all of that came to a screeching halt (obviously). But now, here we are. Today an electrician has been at my house all day long installing the wiring we need for he new hot tub that we have ordered. The concrete guy comes in two weeks or so. The hot tub should be installed by May 4th. Tracy and I have been in the back yard getting things cleaned up and prepped for the big additions. Things are finally falling into place. We are finally getting things moving and making this house our sanctuary and our home. We are moving forward with life and creating spaces to celebrate with friends and family. It feels good.
Life isn't all unicorns and rainbows, but it sure feels good to be on the upswing. I have faith that all will work out the way it is supposed to work out. That relationships will heal as they are meant to (or not). I am not attached to the outcome anymore. I can only infuse the situation with love. I can only love myself, my family, and those around me. I can't force them to accept my love..but I can love without exception or condition which is what I will continue to do. I am forgiving those who have hurt me, and as I type his Michaeleen Blair's name popped into my head. Yes, even the woman who took my son from me. I forgive her (not for her sake, but for mine). Before Nick was taken from us, I was a beacon of joy and love and light. It's time to reignite that and be who I was meant to be all along. Bad things happen in life, but we don't have to let those things dictate how we live our lives. We get to choose how we react to those things.
Oh ya... one more thing...
7) In the last week, I have been approached by 2 of my friends on facebook about concussions. They are both scared about what they are experiencing and don't know what is normal. They have not yet seen the specialists. Today I am very grateful for my brain injury...it has allowed me to help others feel not so alone. I allows me to shed some light in a very dark spot. It allows me to give them some direction and maybe even a sense of control (to some extent) back (because they have a bit of a clue of what needs to happen next). I am grateful for the experiences that have shaped my life so that I might share with others.
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