It's interesting, when I created my "This Is Me" act, it was an act of joy and reclaiming my power. It was an act of reclaiming my sexiness even when I'm not "commercially" sexy. It was about being proud of my scars and stretch marks, cellulite, and fat. I LOVED performing it. I LOVED the song. I LOVED the whole movie the song came from. It was so inspiring.
The problem is, while I still LOVE the song and the movie and the music in the movie, as I have been listening to it over the last couple of weeks (since I was released from the psych hospital), the songs have all taken on new meanings to me. I keep telling myself that this will add depth to my piece. It will add another layer of emotion to tap into while I perform.
That's what I keep telling myself. But here is the truth.....
Instead of "This is Me" being about my body, it has turned into so much more. I have had a full blown break down since I created this piece. Yes, when I originally created this piece, I thought about my broken heart from the loss of my son. But that isn't a scar that I could show..not really. And 2 weeks after my hospital stay, this song and so many of the songs in this movie have been attached to this feeling I have felt since my break down. It has attached to my grief. IT has attached to the dreams we used to have and have been altered for the rest of our lives. I have also transitioned a relationship, and I find the song in there about relationships being extra sad. I FEEL the sadness in the songs. I FEEL the yearning. I feel every emotion possible. Sometimes I feel happy. Other times, I feel just so sad.
How am I going to feel when I do this piece in 4 sleeps? How the hell am I going to perform this piece in 22 sleeps in a different country at a big festival..my first burlesque festival? I keep telling myself that this new connection to this song will just add depth. I see choreo changing in my head to highlight my heart and my brain. Accepting me, isn't about just accepting this physical body, but its about accepting me and loving me with all of my shattered heart pieces... its about loving me when my head is so screwed up it doesn't know which emotion to feel when. "This is Me" is about ALL of me....not just the pieces you see naked on stage. It's about being completely raw and open. This piece is literally changing something inside of me... healing, maybe? I am not sure yet. But it sure has all of the feels going. Maybe "showgirl" mode will kick in, and I will find myself being the happy peppy entertaining performer that people are used to seeing. Or maybe, I will be happy with a side of seriousness. I guess you will have to come to one of the shows to find out.
Make 'Em Blush Burlesque, Sunday, Sep 9 at 8pm at Pengilly's Saloon in Boise Idaho. Show is always free.
Bristol Burlesque Festival "Exclusivity" (in Bristol, England), September 27th at the Smoke & Mirrors venue...2 shows one at 8:30 and one at 10pm. For tickets, follow this link: http://www.bristolburlesquefestival.co.uk/
Photo Credit: Dommino Inc
Hair and Make Up Credit: Unique Angelique
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