September 16, 2018: Another life moment that I won't get to share with Nick.

This got long and kind of tangenty..sorry.....make yourself comfortable....

Friday, while perusing Facebook, I scrolled through my news feed to find a meme from my daughter in law, Nick's widow.  She said something about missing margaritas and how she can't drink.  The ONLY reason Suzy would stop drinking her 'gitas was if she was pregnant, but I had not heard anything.  I did, however, feel like she was pregnant last week.  I was just thinking last week that it was about time for her to get pregnant and/or married.  Actually, I have been expecting her to get pregnant for a few months now.  I don't know why.  I can't explain it.  Other than to say I just felt like it was coming.  And it is something I have been preparing myself for from the very beginning.

When she and Nick first started dating and even when they got married, the idea of her having children was not even a thought.  She did NOT want children.  Nick always wanted children.  He loved kids.  But by the time Nick was getting ready to graduate from college, they had decided they would have a baby, but he had to graduate and they had to find their own place first.  She did not want to have a baby in my mom's house. 

When Nick died, and after everyone went home leaving me in the house with Suzy, Suzy and I had some long tearful conversations.  Together we cried for the loss of the man we loved.  But it was me comforting her.  She was afraid she would never be loved again.  She was afraid she would never be able to get married or have children.  Who would want her as broken as she is?  There I was, just a few weeks after losing my son, and I am comforting this young woman that I have loved for so many years... holding her, letting her cry, and telling her that one day she will love and be loved again and of course she will have children when she is ready.  I assured her that is what Nick would want for her, and that is what we would want for her when she is ready.  I meant every word of that.  I still mean every word of that.  But why did it have to be ME, the mom of the man that was just killed, that had to support the woman who just lost her husband?  Who was there for me?  I did not want to put my grief on Suzy.  She was crushed, and she was my sole focus.  Taking care of Suzy and packing up the house. 

She was so much my focus, that I wasn't there for my own children.  Even when we came home from Florida, I was still watching after Suzy and telling my own children to give her space.  When Suzy started bringing home boys, I made sure the kids supported her....even if it was hurting all of us to see her bring the men into the house.  We did our best to support her.  I did my best to support her.  I always took up for her with the kids.  ALWAYS.  Until the very end, when I couldn't handle it anymore.  I couldn't handle the  boyfriend moving into our house before the first anniversary of Nick's death.    Just because I wanted Suzy to be happy didn't mean I had put my family and myself in jeopardy, but I missed that memo somewhere.  I was so concerned about Suzy, that I neglected the mental health of myself and my family.  Thankfully, I had Naomi in therapy before Nick was killed and she had an amazing safe place to talk.  Nate on the other hand, had a girlfriend who was going through some rough stuff and making life miserable on him a the same time all of this Suzy stuff was going on.  I failed him on so many levels.

Anyway, all of this to say, I have been preparing for Suzy to get pregnant ever since Nick died and she told us they were planning on getting pregnant.  Just because I was preparing for it, does not mean that I was not going to be sad.  This is a life moment that I am missing out on with Nick.  When Nick died, nothing was left of him except his remains and memories.  The remains that Suzy has with  her.  I have a little bit.  We have them in pieces of art.  But Suzy has been scattering ashes without even inviting us or talking to us..then posting about it on FB.  So ya... nothing left of Nick. No baby.  No grandbaby from our ONE child who absolutely loved children, always had.  (Probably for the best considering how life has turned out with Suzy.)  But anyway, I was prepared for this.  I knew I would cry and mourn the loss of a dream.  I knew I would be sad.  But I also knew I would want Suzy to be happy and healthy and that her baby would be happy and healthy.  This is all I wanted for Suzy after Nick died.  But just because that is what I want for her, does not mean that it wasn't going to hurt for me.  The two things can exist in the same spot.  It's a weird bag of mixed emotions to have to sort through, honestly.

So I found out on FB that she was pregnant because of a Meme she posted about no alcohol.  I then remembered Tracy was suppose to have lunch with her when I had my breakdown and ended up in the hospital.  So I asked Tracy, "Have you had lunch with Suzy?"  He said yes.  I then asked him, "Is she pregnant?"  The look in his eyes was one of the eyes of a deer in the headlights and "Oh fuck!"  We were in the intermission of a Red Light Variety Show...it was the tail end of the intermission.  I sat through the first act after intermission in tears.  I was angry.  I was angry, not because Suzy was pregnant, but because I found out on FB and Tracy had known for almost a month and didn't tell me.  Between acts, I asked him who else knew. I was getting more and more angry.  Finally he said, after this act, we are leaving... and we did.

He said Suzy had told him at lunch and he didn't want to tell me because I was in the hospital after the break down.  He was afraid of what it would do to me.  He asked the new grief therapist about telling me.  They agreed to tell me later when I was more stable.  This therapist does not have the history with us that our previous therapist had.  She did not know what horribly bad advise this was for our marriage.  When I brought this up in the car (I was very angry), Tracy said he refused to apologize for doing what he thought was right for my mental health.  It was then that I lost all sense of calm and just saw red and told him let me out of the car.   I could not be around him anymore.  I was hurt.  His actions hurt me and he refused to apologize for those actions.  It was not about Suzy being pregnant.  It was about the way in which I found out.  I created a horrible post on FB screaming and shouting.  It was only up for maybe an hour (late at night)..maybe...before I deleted it.  Somewhere in there, Tracy said it was not Suzy's fault for not telling me.  Apparently, at that lunch, she had asked Tracy about telling me.  And he made the executive decision to not tell me.  He had asked her to block me and anyone who knows me (and might tell me) from any posts regarding her pregnancy.  He did not tell our children because he did not want them to have to keep the secret from me.  I did not know about Suzy wanting to tell me until the next day after my screaming rant...that I deleted.  I was wrong for posting that screaming rant.  Something so personal that was between me and my husband should not have been posted publicly.  (Ya.. I know this blog is doing the same thing..but in a different way.  I'm trying to get my thoughts and feelings out in a healthy way. I'm trying to express my thoughts completely so people understand.  And yes, selfishly, I do not want people to think I am mad because she is pregnant.  I don't want people to think I am some kind of monster.  Because I am not.)  I also do not want people to think Tracy is some kind of monster.  Though I think he was wrong, Tracy was doing what he thought was right.  He was trying to look out for my mental health which has been walking a very fine line.  I get it.  But, without getting into things that should not be shared publicly, I totally believe he should have told me while I was in the hospital.  1) I was in the safest place I could have been to find out.  2) I could have been working with my therapist on this for the last 3 weeks.  3) I would not have found out on FB which has now sent me on a tail spin and caused more serious damage than just me finding out Suzy is pregnant. 

Since I found out Suzy was pregnant, I have unfriended and blocked her on facebook.  It was not about being angry with her.  It was not about not being happy for her.  It certainly wasn't about not loving her.  It was about both of our mental/emotional stability.  It was an act of love for her and self-love for me.  I want her to be happy. I want her to be able to do all of the things happy excited expecting moms do...like posting pictures and baby bump updates on facebook without having to worry about blocking me from seeing them.  I wanted her to be able to be publicly happy without worrying about accidentally setting me off.  Yes, I could have just unfollowed her, but the problem is, I can be obsessive.  I know me.  I know I would have gone looking.  It would have driven me crazy.  So, it was safer for both of us, for me to unfriend and block her..so I wont go looking...and more importantly, I won't see anything from any of her friends that tag her in stuff about baby stuff.  I won't see  posts she posts on Nick's wall (if she ever does) about this stuff.  It's just safer and better for both of us.  It was an act of love and respect.  I want her to have the happy, healthy, pregnancy she deserves.  I have also sent her an email telling her that I was happy for her and that I love her, but to please understand that this is painful for me which is why I have done what I have done.  I also explained that I am not mad about her pregnancy, just in the way I found out.  (At the time,  I did not know that Tracy had told her NOT to tell me.)

Unfortunately, Tracy not telling me (or the kids) has done some damage here at home.  Nate seems to not care, like he has about most things Suzy related since she verbally assaulted him for no apparent reason.  But, Naomi, on the other hand, has been very upset.  She said Tracy didn't tell her.  She said that Nate is the one who told her...because she asked why I was mad.  (I was not home..I was still walking around Garden City in the dark after getting out of the car on the way home from leaving the Red Light Show.)  (I talked to Tracy last night and he said he called her and told her while he was on his way home after I got out of the car.  Naomi does not remember that.)  She was upset that her daddy didn't tell her and she had to find out from Nate. Naomi is still very hurt about everything that has happened with Suzy..including the verbal assault Suzy gave her when Suzy was living at home and so many other things.

Grief does weird things to people...and can make people make some very bad choices.  Our family was NOT ready for Suzy to bring boys home when she did, and it literally tore the kids apart.  I should have stopped it. I should have paid more attention to my own children instead of making sure Suzy was happy.  Because in reality, Suzy wasn't happy because I went nuts and started saying horrible things.  It was a horrible time in our house.  Anyway, Naomi is hurt.  Not about Suzy being pregnant, but because of the way things have played out in our house with the news.  Naomi said some of the same things I said to Tracy....without me saying a word.  She truly is my daughter.  She is hurting.  She is mourning her brother and what should have been.  I get it.  But I found myself having to defend Tracy's decisions...even if I didn't agree with them...and defending Suzy when I knew the truth and Naomi didn't.  I don't want Omi to think bad of Suzy for us not knowing.  That wasn't Suzy's doing.  That was Tracy's doing, and he did it out of what he thought was love and concern.  Naomi will be okay.  We will all be okay.. at least in regard to Suzy being pregnant.  It is what it is.  Suzy has moved on..and that is what she is supposed to do. 

I have one last thing to say.  There were moments, when Nick first died and we were back home in Idaho, before Suzy started really dating again, when I had this day dream of what life would look like when she fell in love again.  In my day dream, her new guy would become part of our family and when she had a baby, that baby would be like all of our other bonus children.....we would still be grand parents but in a different way.  In my day dream, we were one big happy family.  Reality is much different.  So, I find myself mourning not just the dream I had for Nick to have a baby, but also the dream I had that even after the loss of my son, the dream of still having Suzy as part of our family and still being a grandparents to her child. I am mourning my dreams all the way around. 

I harbor no resentment toward Suzy for moving on and being happy.  I only wish her well...and send her love.  While at the same time, I am tending to my own emotional safety and well being, and watching out for my own children.  And trying to find a way to be okay with Tracy's decision to not tell me which allowed for all of heart ache to happen in this way. 

If you have it in you, please send love, compassion, strength, forgiveness, empathy, understanding, grace and peace to me and my family.  We could use it right now. 

September 5, 2018 22 More Sleeps Till I Perform at the Bristol Burlesque Festival!!!

There might be 22 more sleeps till I perform in Bristol, but before that, there are 4 more sleeps before I perform the SAME act that I am doing in Bristol here in Boise one more time on stage at Make 'em Blush Burlesque.

It's interesting, when I created my "This Is Me" act, it was an act of joy and reclaiming my power.  It was an act of reclaiming my sexiness even when I'm not "commercially" sexy.  It was about being proud of my scars and stretch marks, cellulite, and fat.  I LOVED performing it.  I LOVED the song.  I LOVED the whole movie the song came from.  It was so inspiring.

The problem is, while I still LOVE the song and the movie and the music in the movie, as I have been listening to it over the last couple of weeks (since I was released from the psych hospital), the songs have all taken on new meanings to me.  I keep telling myself that this will add depth to my piece.  It will add another layer of emotion to tap into while I perform.

That's what I keep telling myself.  But here is the truth.....

Instead of "This is Me" being about my body, it has turned into so much more.  I have had a full blown break down since I created this piece.  Yes, when I originally created this piece, I thought about my broken heart from the loss of my son.  But that isn't a scar that I could show..not really.  And 2 weeks after my hospital stay, this song and so many of the songs in this movie have been attached to this feeling I have felt since my break down.  It has attached to my grief. IT has attached to the dreams we used to have and have been altered for the rest of our lives.  I have also transitioned a relationship, and I find the song in there about relationships being extra sad.  I FEEL the sadness in the songs.  I FEEL the yearning.  I feel every emotion possible.  Sometimes I feel happy. Other times, I feel just so sad.

How am I going to feel when I do this piece in 4 sleeps?  How the hell am I going to perform this piece in 22 sleeps in a different country at a big festival..my first burlesque festival?  I keep telling myself that this new connection to this song will just add depth.  I see choreo changing in my head to highlight my heart and my brain.  Accepting me, isn't about just accepting this physical body, but its about accepting me and loving me with all of my shattered heart pieces... its about loving me when my head is so screwed up it doesn't know which emotion to feel when.  "This is Me" is about ALL of me....not just the pieces you see naked on stage.  It's about being completely raw and open.  This piece is literally changing something inside of me... healing, maybe? I am not sure yet. But it sure has all of the feels going.  Maybe "showgirl" mode will kick in, and I will find myself being the happy peppy entertaining performer that people are used to seeing.  Or maybe, I will be happy with a side of seriousness.  I guess you will have to come to one of the shows to find out.

Make 'Em Blush Burlesque, Sunday, Sep 9 at 8pm at Pengilly's Saloon in Boise Idaho. Show is always free.

Bristol Burlesque Festival "Exclusivity" (in Bristol, England), September 27th at the Smoke & Mirrors venue...2 shows one at 8:30 and one at 10pm.  For tickets, follow this link:  http://www.bristolburlesquefestival.co.uk/

Photo Credit:  Dommino Inc

Hair and Make Up Credit:  Unique Angelique