Rejection letter after rejection letter came. I cried over so many. Others I just read and moved on. Some I was more invested in, while others I did on a whim and decided that if I didn't get in, I wouldn't take it personally. But that is the thing; art IS personal. It's something an artist gives birth too. And if it's something that has been created, not just choreographed, by me then it really is something personal. If the costume is made by me, if the idea is my own, if the choreography is done by me...all of it makes it personal. So when someone says, "Thanks but, not thanks." It can hurt. This year, I applied for a festival I thought for certain I would be a shoe-in for. Not because I'm amazing, but because it was a festival geared toward women of size. I thought, If I could get into any festival, it would be that one. Mostly because I thought I wasn't getting into festivals because of my size. I didn't get into that festival. I don't know why. They never (in my experience) have told me why. But my fellow performers assure me it could be for any reason like too many performers with the same colored hair or costume. It could be anything. And for this particular festival, the act I submitted, I decided was too "obvious". I submitted my "This is me" act...an act that is so very personal. This is the act where I get the most raw and the most real. This is the act where I get as naked as possible and show the most skin and highlight my scars, stretchmarks and fat. So yes, I can see where in a festival geared toward women of size, putting an act on stage that celebrates that may be redundant.
My self confidence has also been taking a little bit of a beating when I see local shows being created and I am not being asked to perform. I realize I can't be in every show. I'm not asking for that. But I feel like there is some kind of disconnect. The producers of these shows are telling me that they like what I am putting on stage. They are complimenting me (after they have told me before that they don't compliment unless its amazing). Yet, I am not being cast for shows. What am I missing? Is it personal? Am I not edgy enough? What am I missing? No I have not had the courage needed to ask them point blank.
With that said, I have been blessed with some incredible opportunities. I got to perform at the Orpheum Theater in Twin Falls to a sold out crowd. It was amazing! I also got accepted into my first out of state "weekender" competition. I submitted my Creepy Mary Poppins act, and it was accepted! I was so stoked! I felt like I was finally getting seen. But even then, I felt like I got in cause it was someone local to Boise producing it. She has seen me perform twice, including that specific act once. When I thanked her for accepting me for the show, she told me it was my talent that got me in. I have to believe that. I want to believe that. My confidence needs to believe that.
I had also applied to a few other festivals that I really wanted to get into. I was getting rejection letters right and left. Some hurt. Some didn't. I was encouraged by my mentors to apply to festivals in Europe. I was told my "This is Me" act is perfect for Europe. I am not sure why they thought so. But, I believed them. So I applied to Bristol Burlesque Festival, in England. The casting emails were suppose to come by June 1. All submissions would be responded to by June 14th. June 1st came and went with no email. I assumed I would be receiving a rejection letter in the next 13 days.
Yesterday, I saw that my performer email had a new email. I opened it and saw it was from Bristol. I thought, "well, there it is, my rejection letter." But then I kept reading the little teaser line that pops up in email, and it wasn't looking like a rejection letter. I saw the word, "pleased" and "invite". My heart jumped to my throat. I opened my email, and sure enough, "This is Me" was accepted and I was invited to perform on Thursday, September 27 at the venue called Smoke and Mirrors in Bristol!!!!! I got into my first actual burlesque festival AND it's in ENGLAND!!!!
This could not have come at a better time. I am currently recovering from another concussion. I hit my head on Mother's day and I have been scrambled ever since. Sometimes with concussions, you can have a personality change. I'm not talking a personality change like Dissociative Identity Disorder. It looks more like, all of a sudden you like things you didn't like before. Or you start hating things you used to love. You can become mean or nice or whatever. It just changes you. Sometimes those things are permanent and sometimes they stay for a while but revert. In 2013, when I hit my head and had a horrible concussion, once I "kind of" recovered, I tried to go back to my Zumba instructing and found that I HATED Zumba. This was an exercise I LOVED so much that I became an instructor, and then all of a sudden I hated it. It crushed me. There were other things that had changed too, and they scared me. When I talked to the doctor (back then) she blew me off and told me it was nothing to worry about. She was wrong.
Fast forward to now. I'm a month out of bonking my head. And in the last 2 weeks, I have been struggling with burlesque and dance in general. I have really been feeling like I need to quit. Not because I wasn't getting into festivals or on stages but because I felt my personality shifting from the concussion. I was beginning to feel like I felt about Zumba. It was scaring me. Burlesque and dance have given me so much. What would my life be like without it? Last week, there was a big burlesque show here in town. I almost didn't go. But I wanted to see the out of state performers that Stella Sin brought in, and I wanted to support my friends. I was also hoping that it would kick this shift that was happening on its arse and let me be. Sure enough, by the time the show was over with, I was feeling it again. I was ready to think about burlesque again and I felt happy and light.
Then the next day, I had a burlesque photo shoot for promo shots. I guess its a good thing, my head got back into the game. But it was also that day that I found out that the Broadway musical Tracy and I had planned to go to in NYC for our anniversary in July had been cancelled. I was bummed. But I had just been talking to Tracy about possibly cancelling that trip because we are buying our house and money need to be going to that right now. So we just decided to cancel our NYC trip and do something else for our anniversary. That freed up some money....(we really don't NEED it for closing on the house.. it was just me feeling like we did). However, a trip to NYC in July, followed by a trip to England in September followed by a trip to Portland in October would have been a bit much right after buying a house. LOL.
So... here I am... excited. Watching as the world plays out perfectly. I set an intention for this year it was to THINK BIG and take bold actions. And here I am...watching it unfold. I am going to England in September to perform in the Bristol Burlesque Festival, and I couldn't be more excited! I feel like this is the big "YES!" I have been looking for from the universe. I feel like I am finally being seen and recognized for my talents..and appreciated. I may not be invited on to local stages, but I am making it onto stages in Oregon and England!!!!!! Woohoooo!!!!!! Dreams do come true!
Now if we can just keep me from hitting my head again before then.........
Photo Credit: Amilie from Dommino Inc Photography
Hair and Make up: Unique Angeline Irish
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