This blog is not ragging on anyone, and is only being written because we are just about through the holiday season and my dreams have been pretty bad for the last couple of weeks.. lots of dreams about Nick or missing Nick. Actually, for the last 2 nights I have spent my dream time looking for Nick and not finding him. It has been horrible. Then today, I re-read my blog from this date last year and the changes that were happening in our home. And it made me think about this most recent Christmas time. And it made me think about everything that has happened in between.
Choices made out of strong emotion are not always the best choices or the best worded decisions (even if they were the right decisions). I have spent the last year trying to preserve my sanity. I thought the first year of grief would be the hardest, but in reality, the first year was all about shock and the "to do" lists that come with losing a loved one. The 2nd year of grief is the hardest. That is when the shock is worn off and the "shit hits the fan". And in that 2nd year of grief, that is when my family was decimated and shattered and scattered to different parts of the valley. That is when almost all contact between me and Suzy has been cut off. I hurt her. She hurt me. And together, we have unfollowed each other and she has blocked me from seeing most posts. Her sister has unfriended me. Her mom sticks around (for some reason). Tom's family has all unfriended me and Tom has blocked me. I'm not saying these things out of anger. I am not saying these things to make anyone look bad. I am just stating the facts as they are. It is a snapshot of what has happened in the last year. I wish things were different. But they aren't. And honestly, I don't know if they can be. Why? Because I was not Nick's wife; I was only his mother.
In the last month and a half I have been reminded of this in a couple of forms, and I guess that is why I am writing this blog. It's another lesson.. another "coming to terms" I have had to do... and it hurts like hell. And its something I NEVER thought I would EVER have to think about. And yes, sometimes, I am insanely jealous of the angels moms who never have to go through this.
When Nick died, I really thought we had agreed that we would scatter his ashes together, but in the mean time, we bought the beautiful urn to keep his remains in. Suzy kept the urn in her bedroom (when she lived here). It was understandable from her point of view...she has never slept without him since they had gotten married. From the other family member's point of view, it was as if they were being excluded from seeing "him". (even though, all we had to do was ask to go into Suzy's room to be with the urn...but everyone felt awkward because we all knew how Suzy felt about her private space.) Even right when he died, I told Nate and Omi, "Do not ask for things of Nick's unless Suzy offers. She may not be ready to let go of things. As it turns out, Nate and Naomi were given a few things of Nick's and they cherish those things. In my worry about Suzy (and moving my mom) I never asked for anything for me and Tracy. Though I was allowed to keep the statue of Sarasvati that Nick kept at his workstation at his lab and Tracy was allowed to keep Nick's tools and tool chest.
When the time came to ask Suzy to move out with her boyfriend, I knew she would be taking the urn and his remains so I asked for some of his ashes so that I could get blown glass art made for each of us so we would always have him with us. I'm glad I did that...even though months later, I find out that my asking hurt Suzy deeply. We remember how this happened in different ways, and I am so sorry I hurt Suzy. All I can say is that I was scared to death of her taking Nick's remains with her and us never seeing "him" again or having anything of his left behind. In our garage we had boxes of their stuff...we had boxes of HIS stuff. But when they got married, his stuff became HER stuff. He became HERS. And his family.... well we were just his place of origin. We lost claim to anything of him or his once they got married. When kids get married, you are so happy for them, you never once think that at some point before you die, your own child who you gave to another human being in marriage is going to die before you.
So, Nick dies, and Suzy holds all of the cards. She holds everything of Nick's and we are at her mercy. As a mom seeing her daughter in love grieve, I didn't want to intrude on that. As a mom who lost her son, all I wanted to do was to grab onto everything I possibly could..not just for me..but for my remaining children who will have to live the rest of their lives with what memories they have of their brother. Naomi was only 9 years old when Nick got married and moved away. That is not a very long time to know a brother...especially when that brother started dating the wife when the little sister was only 6 years old. Naomi's sun rose and set on Nick. It just did. Tracy traveled a bunch when she was little and Nick was everything to her. Nate looked up to Nick and adored his big brother. They were just starting to get along again..after the rough tween/teen years. They were just finding that friendship that brothers find when they become adults. Nick was Nate's voice of reason. But everything that was Nick's or reminded us of Nick was held in Suzy's possession..and rightfully/lawfully so. She was married to him. She was his next of kin. We were just his blood family..in the eyes of the law, we didn't matter.
In hind sight, had I known what I know now, at the funeral home, I would have asked that his remains be put into two different urns..one for Suzy and one for us. Yes, that is a thing and happens. But I honestly did not think this huge separation was going to happen.
Now 2 years later, Suzy (without talking to us) has started to scatter his ashes. She memorialized his facebook page, without even talking to us. She didn't even notify me..she told Tracy to tell me. There were several times (when she was living with us) that I asked her, "Please if you ever get to a point that you do not want some of Nick's things, please give us "first right of refusal"" She said she would..she promised me. Now, I'm not so sure that will happen. And I have no say. It is completely out of my control.
I *wish* when we were moving her from Florida to Idaho (when she was trying to clear things out) that we would have made room for things she threw out....jeans of his that were so worn out...tshirts that were so worn out and she didn't want to keep. I wish we had kept those things. I wish *I* had kept those things. I would have made a quilt out of those things for me.. for Naomi.. for nate...for Tracy. Even little scraps would have been better than nothing. Recently, one of my friends posted a picture from Christmas. She lost her brother in a plane crash in 2008. Her mother had saved his rodeo shirts and jeans and cut them out and made each and every person in the family a quilt of their very own with pieces of these beloved memories. Suzy kept tshirts, but she made her own quilt. She sent the shirts off to some company; she had to add a couple of her own cause she didn't have enough, but she made this beautiful quilt made of Nick's tshirts. I wish I had kept the "unkeepables" to be able to make something like that for my children. Gratefully, Naomi has one of Nick's hippy tshirts and she wears it when she wants to feel him. She also has his old ratty hippy jacket (that needs a new zipper..she saved it from being thrown away). she wears it all the time when its cold outside. Nate has one of Nick's old hippy shirts..it doesn't fit him, and we need to get it framed. He also has Nick's old guitar that sometimes he plays on...that is amazing. I'm grateful he has those things. But damn, I wish I had kept the unkeepables. I would love to have a blanket to wrap myself up with that reminded me of him. I have the necklace with is ashes.. I have the necklace with his thumbprint, and I wear them when I really need him close to me.
Our close family friend...who is more family than friend.. was just here over Christmas. We had a long conversation about all of this. He didn't understand my need for the remains. He didn't understand what the big deal was with Suzy scattering the ashes without asking us or inviting or even notifying us. "Nick is gone. Those ashes aren't him." We all see and feel things differently. Feelings are not rational, but they are very personal and valid.
Not having a say in the way your child's remains or his remaining possessions are treated is so very heart breaking. I am grateful for the things she left behind. I am grateful for the collage frame of photos from his work at the lab that she left on the wall...pictures from his last years doing the things he loved. I am grateful for those photos and the words written by his co-workers.
This is stuff you just don't ever think about when you marry your children off. And why would you? I am grateful for the "memories" that pop up on my facebook wall that have Nick in them. Thanks to those memories, I was able to capture a poem he wrote in 2011 and a journal post that we were able to read when he died and put on facebook. I was able to take those and use his photos as a back drop to create 2 beautiful pictures with his thoughts and words printed forever..... for my children, for the grandparents, for our family friend. We can't wrap ourselves up in those pictures....but we can look at them and read them and hear his voice and see into his soul. I guess that is going to have to be good enough and I'm grateful for that.
It sucks losing a child. It sucks having a family shattered. And it really sucks being at the mercy of someone else when it comes to your child's remains and remaining things. That is over simplifying it all.
So my message to any of y'all who are marrying off your children.....or have children that one day will be married off......consider this. Talk with your child. No matter how young they are, please ask them to write a will. Please ask them to write down what they want to happen to their remains in case of an unfortunate incident or illness. Ask them to think about EVERYTHING.... including their clothes that have rips and holes in them. These are things we never thought about..until its too late. And when its too late.. emotions run deep and no one thinks straight and feelings get hurt. Please....even you parents out there who don't have these things in place, get them in place. You have seen families fight over the silliest of trinkets. You have seen families destroyed over who gets the antique letter opener. You know this shit happens. Do something to prevent it from happening. Do something that will create peace during a time of deep anguish and high emotions. If you have a facebook account, then please post in the directive when you want it memorialized. This goes for animals too. If you pass, who gets your animals? (No, I am not angry over who got Nick's cat..but I do miss that giant fur ball with a tiny voice. When Nick died, Tracy and I felt like that cat was an extension of him..Nick loved that cat.)
Anyway.. just some wisdom from the other side of the fence.........
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