I have never wanted my blog to be a place where I came and whined and cried all of the time. Yes, I wanted to share my feelings and my thoughts, but I didn't want it to become a place where I posted only the ugly things in life. I felt like that is what my blog had become so I took some time to wait until I had something seriously positive to write.
For a long time I have been saying, "I miss the old me. I want the old me back." But the problem with that saying is that we as human beings are constantly changing and evolving. And there are things that happen in this physical world that prevent us from getting back "the old me". We can only focus on what is happening in this moment.. in this now. That is not "new age" speak, it's just reality. You can't go back in time and stay there. You only have today. So you gotta be happy with what today is. See, I knew this. But for whatever reason, I needed a flip to switch for this to sink in.
Yesterday I was hurting pretty badly. Emotionally I was tanking something fierce. I actually felt like yesterday was THE DAY that Nick was killed, even though it was 2 years a 2 days before. But I swear, I was hurting just as much as if it was that fateful day. My heart was aching. I had a hard time breathing. All I wanted to do was cry. I could visualize and feel like I was right there in Florida. It was a horrible feeling. And I thought to myself... "I miss being happy. How am I ever going to return to the happy-go-lucky girl I once was.?" I thought that maybe I should get my butt back to church. But I wasn't convinced.
Then this morning, I woke up and looked at my clock. It was 9:27. If it got up quickly, I could take a quick shower and make it to church in time. So I rolled myself out of bed and limped to the shower. I managed to get ready in no time flat and headed out the door. I got to church in plenty of time.
It's been just under 2 years since I have been to church. The last time I went was in December of 2014, just after Nick was killed. It was heart wrenching going back to church then. Everyone wanted to hug me and console me. I just couldn't handle "that look" that people give you when someone you love dies. So I didn't go back. Today I walked in. Most people didn't recognize me. I have gained so much weight back. My hair is back to its normal color, which no one has seen since 2010 or so. It was kind of like going incognito. However, as I started walking into the sanctuary, I heard someone shout my name. It was Michelle. She walked over to give me a hug and check on me. She has been watching me and talking to me on Facebook. It was so good to see her and get a hug from her. I got hugs from a few other people. It was hard to keep tears back. But I knew I needed to be there today.
The other amazing thing that happened while I was there, was that Blaze and Kelly were there doing special music. I love when they sing. Their music moved me to tears. Their message hit me straight in the heart. They sang a song called Thankful which reminded me to be grateful in all things.
Rev. Jackie's message was all about being grateful. She reminded us that the Master Teacher (Jesus) told us to be thankful in ALL things... not just some..but ALL. Of course, she was talking about not just the season of the year, but also about the current circumstances in the US with Trump being elected. For the last 2 years, I have been asking myself, "How could there by anything about Nick's death that I could find any kind of good in? How could I be thankful in the face of his death?" Today, while at church and listening to the music, something was said/sung that hit me. I am thankful to have had Nick come into my life at all. The moment I found out I was pregnant with him, my whole life changed. Being pregnant with him and being his mom, gave me the opportunity to grow and heal and to be the best person and mom I could possibly be. He made me a better person. He was a true gift. He still is a true gift. And in his death, I found joy. No, I am not happy that he is dead. However, there is a kind of ironic poetry in realizing what you had once they are gone. I don't know that I would have ever realized just how much he touched my life if he had still been living. Realizing that has given me a sense of freedom.
I took copious notes today at church. I was going to blog all about it. But as I sit here typing, I am realize that it is not necessary for me to blog all about what Rev. Jackie spoke about. Instead, I will just blog about what I feel and the decisions that I am making as a result.
Not only did I find the part in which I could be thankful in Nick's death, but I also reconnected with the "how to be happy" again switch. I am finally able to give myself permission to be happy with where and who I am right now in this moment. Just because I lost my child in a horrible accident, does not mean that I have to be sad all of the time. Yes, I will still feel grief sometime, but I do not have to let it consume me. Grief has certainly been consuming me for the last year. It has been a really really horrible year. But I am done being sad. I am done being unhappy. And today, something shook me awake. Something said, "Yes, it is okay to look back at where you were before Nick died and take notes and notice the things that made you feel happy back then. But it's not okay to wish you could go back there. Just look, take notes, and ask yourself what can you do NOW (that you might have done then) that will make you happy again?"
The answer is many things.
1) First there is being of service. I have always been the happiest when I was being of service somewhere. So I tomorrow, I will make some phone calls, and I will get involved again. I can still volunteer, even with this healing knee. I can touch lives. I can be involved in things that are important to me. I can help others.
2) Then there is surrounding myself with uplifting music. Since my concussion, I have lost connection with much of my happy music. Listening to music has been hard on my head. But, after listening to Blaze and Kelly today at church, I realized that I really need to get back into music that makes me happy. Today, I bought some of their music and I started making a list of some other songs I love in this genre. Tomorrow, I will be creating a set list of songs that are about good vibes, joy, happiness, and gratefulness. I will listen to this every single day as a form of meditation and lifting my soul.
3) The next thing that made me happy was regular exercise. I know that my knee is still healing, but I can go for walks. When I am at PT, they have me doing the recumbent bike; I can do that at the gym. They also have me doing step ups. I can do that at the gym. So, on days that I am not going to PT, I will be hitting the gym to start slow and work on my physical health again.
4) Dance. I miss dancing. I took the whole summer off of belly dance in order to heal my knee. Then I had to do the whole knee replacement thing. Well now, I am done with that and I'm healing. I can get back to dance now. I realized last Sunday, when Naomi and I were taking the burlesque workshops together, just how much I miss dancing with her. I decided that I would get back into belly dancing. For a long time I have been telling myself that I am not good enough to dance with Samira. But ya know what? I can do anything I put my mind to. I need to challenge my mind. I need to grow. I am still not certain if Cairo Fusion is the best fit for me, but I do know that I want to dance with my daughter. So, I think I will look into taking a class of some sort with Naomi. I will also be seriously working on choreography for a burlesque performance. No more sitting on my couch and being a couch potato. It's time to shake my groove thing!
5) Reading. I love to read. I am going to set aside 30 minutes every day and read. There is no reason I can not spend 30 minutes a day reading and helping my brain to grow stronger again...not to mention what I will learn while doing it.
6) And one last thing. I want to have my friends over. I miss laughing with my friends. I want to start have friends over at least once a month..either a big group thing or just a couple here and there. I want to fill my house with laughter again. I miss it. Just because the bar is closed for the season doesn't mean we can't have friends over to play cards and laugh!
So there ya have it, my own recipe for happiness. Surround myself uplifting music, practice gratitude, move my body, feed my brain and soul with books, be of service, and hang out with my friends and family and laugh!
Life is truly beautiful!
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