November 28, 2016 Christmas and More on Happiness

As you may remember, this year I started out with the intention of being my authentic self.  I thought I would explore that using art and a few other things.  I have done some of the things I set out to do.  But I guess none of that really matters as much as what is inside of me.  It's not what I do, but how I FEEL.

Yesterday, I woke up and went to church again.  I debated on what to wear.  I  had a few options.  But what it boiled down to was wearing my beer dress that was made specifically for one of my burlesque acts.  I never added bling to the dress because ultimately, I wanted to be able to wear it outside of performing.  And yesterday, I wore it to church.  I swear I am the only person who would consider wearing a dress covered in glasses of beer to church.  I paired it with my sparkly cowgirl belt and my cowboy boots.  It was very cute.  And it was authentic to who I am.  When I was a little girl, and even into my young adulthood, getting ready for church meant dressing to the "T's".  "Wear what you would wear if you were to  meet God."  Some people believe that means wearing your absolutely finest clothing.  Some people use it as a time to wear expensive clothes to impress their friends at church.  But me?  I figure, I am just going to go as I am.  There is no need in pretending that I am some fancy person who dresses up all of the time.  God/Spirit knows who I am.. that is this crazy human being that happens to love beer and loves to do burlesque and just wants to be happy being me.  So the beer dress it was, and I have no qualms with meeting God while wearing it!  And I'm grateful that my church accepts me for who I am and people even complimented me on it.  LOL  I am not someone who puts too much emphasis on what people wear or how they look.  Just do you.. and I'll do  me, K?  K!  

That kind of follows along the same lines and thinking as this whole happiness thing.  Rev. Jackie's talk yesterday was kinda sorta on Christmas, which is a bit early (even by her standards), but since the world has decided Christmas must be considered even before Halloween, she decided she would bring it up early as well.  But it wasn't about how the Virgin Mary travelled to Bethlehem and gave birth in a barn.  It was about how each and every one of us needs to celebrate the Christ Consciousness in us.  She acknowledged that most religions have a virgin birth story in their religious dogma, but the birth of Jesus is not really what this season is about.  It's about us becoming aware of the Christ consciousness that is within all of us and celebrating that.  Maybe.. just Maybe.. Jesus (who according to the Bible came as an example of how to live a perfect life) actually came to this life to be an example of living in Joy.. of showing us how to live in Heaven on Earth.. not some place we go to after we die.  Maybe he came here to show us that no matter what happens in our life, we can live through it with Joy in our hearts.  

Just as Jesus the Christ was born on Christmas, so shall I give birth to the potential that is within me.  I am born with limitless potential to be joyous, prosperous, creative, peaceful, loving, forgiving.. and so many things.  I am endless possibility.  Who am I to deny that part of me?    This is a time to remember and celebrate!  

While Rev. Jackie spoke, she reminded me of a a couple of thoughts Nick had before he passed.. they were so profound and they have been in my thoughts lately (even before the sermon).....

"Memories are like particle physics. Rather everything is like particle physics. Before measurement they lay in an indeterminate form. When you look at it it changes. In life if you think about it you wont find it or you will loose it. Try to find the right girl, can't find her. Stop looking and you will find her. Visions in your head, however beautiful the may be the instant you think about it, even just to admire it, it will vanish and you will loose it. Moral of the story, have your plan for the future, take it slow, enjoy the ride, and forget worrying about the other stuff. If you don't think about it, you'll win it." - Nick Spiva

....."If you don't think about it, you'll win it."  Stop thinking about it.  Stop waiting for it.  Know that you want joy and step into it!  Look around you.  Take a deep breath.  And mentally and physically, take a step forward and step into joy!  Expect it!  Expect to see it.  Expect to find it!  And when you do, as Nick says, You'll win it!  Joy is not going to just find you.. you have to go out there and create it for yourself.  Yes, there are lots of things we can be sad about.  Believe me, I have plenty of things I can sit on my couch in the dark and cry about, but that is not who I am meant to be.  That is not who YOU are meant to be.  You are created to be a joyful being; so get out there and BE IT!

The other thing that Nick wrote that was brought to my attention during Rev. Jackie's sermon was a Poem that Nick wrote in 2011 for one of his college classes....

"Had to write a poem for my humanities class. Figured I would share it with you all:
Oh the fractals,
Nature the ever repeating,
Everything a copy,
Electrons and Protons,
Planets and Suns,
Suns and Black holes,
Galaxies and Clusters,
Nature the ever repeating,
Stars are born, Stars die,
Planets are born,
Life is born, Life dies,
Planets die,
We the tiny,
Have no place,
Our purpose?
To learn,
We, being part of the Universe,
Are the Universe,
To learn of nature,
Is for nature to learn of itself,
An ever growing consciousness. ~ Nick Spiva"

Just in case you didn't know, Nick was a physicist.  He was an avid Atheist. He did not believe in any kind of higher power.  Though some of his thoughts were very powerful.  I loved reading his journal and reading some of his poetry.  Anyway, in my religious belief system, we are all one with God.  We are all part of God. We have the capacity to love as God/Spirit/Universe loved. Where God is, Joy is.  Where I am God is.  Therefore, where I am, Joy is.  I am joy!   Like Nick says, our purpose here on this planet is to learn, grown.  We are part of this universe and it is our job to expand and learn and to live not separate, but as part of this big ol' universe.  This is our destiny.  This is our calling.  We are not here to look at what has been created before us and say, "That has no place in our lives." As Howard Thurman says,  "Don't ask what the world  needs.  As what makes you come alive, and go do it.  Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."  So get out there... wake up.  Find your bliss.  Find your joy and SHARE it!!!  Don't waste another moment sitting on your couch just waiting for time to pass... grab it by the balls, sing at the top of your lungs, dance naked in the moonlight and celebrate the Christ that is in you!!!!!

November 13, 2016 Finding My Happy

It's been nearly a month since I have blogged.  Yes, there have been many things I could have blogged about, but mostly I have been checking and double checking myself when it comes to blog posts and even Facebook posts.

I have never wanted my blog to be a place where I came and whined and cried all of the time.  Yes, I wanted to share my feelings and my thoughts, but I didn't want it to become a place where I posted only the ugly things in life.  I felt like that is what my blog had become so I took some time to wait until I had something seriously positive to write.

For a long time I have been saying, "I miss the old me. I want the old me back."  But the problem with that saying is that we as human beings are constantly changing and evolving.  And there are things that happen in this physical world that prevent us from getting back "the old me".  We can only focus on what is happening in this moment.. in this now.  That is not "new age" speak, it's just reality. You can't go back in time and stay there.  You only have today.  So you gotta be happy with what today is.   See, I knew this.  But for whatever reason, I needed a flip to switch for this to sink in.

Yesterday I was hurting pretty badly.  Emotionally I was tanking something fierce.  I actually felt like yesterday was THE DAY that Nick was killed, even though it was 2 years a 2 days before.  But I swear, I was hurting just as much as if it was that fateful day.  My heart was aching.  I  had a hard time breathing.  All I wanted to do was cry.  I could visualize and feel like I was right there in Florida.  It was a horrible feeling.  And I thought to myself... "I miss being happy.  How am I ever going to return to the happy-go-lucky girl I once was.?"  I thought that maybe I should get my butt back to church.  But I wasn't convinced.

Then this morning, I woke up and looked at my clock.  It was 9:27.  If it got up quickly, I could take a quick shower and make it to church in time.  So I rolled myself out of bed and limped to the shower.  I managed to get ready in no time flat and headed out the door.  I got to church in plenty of time.

It's been just under 2 years since I have been to church.  The last time I went was in December of 2014, just after Nick was killed.  It was heart wrenching going back to church then.  Everyone wanted to hug me and console me.  I just couldn't handle "that look" that people give you when someone you love dies.  So I didn't go back.  Today I walked in. Most people didn't recognize me.  I have gained so much weight back. My hair is back to its normal color, which no one has seen since 2010 or so.  It was kind of like going incognito.  However, as I started walking into the sanctuary, I heard someone shout my name.  It was Michelle.  She walked over to give me a hug and check on me.  She has been watching me and talking to me on Facebook.  It was so good to see her and get a hug from her.  I got hugs from a few other people.  It was hard to keep tears back.  But I knew I needed to be there today.

The other amazing thing that happened while I was there, was that Blaze and Kelly were there doing special music.  I love when they sing.  Their music moved me to tears.  Their message hit me straight in the heart.  They sang a song called Thankful which reminded me to be grateful in all things.

Rev. Jackie's message was all about being grateful.  She reminded us that the Master Teacher (Jesus) told us to be thankful in ALL things... not just some..but ALL.  Of course, she was talking about not just the season of the year, but also about the current circumstances in the US with Trump being elected.  For the last 2 years, I have been asking myself, "How could there by anything about Nick's death that I could find any kind of good in?  How could I be thankful in the face of his death?"  Today, while at church and listening to the music, something was said/sung that hit me.  I am thankful to have had Nick come into my life at all.  The moment I found out I was pregnant with him, my whole life changed.  Being pregnant with him and being his mom, gave me the opportunity to grow and heal and to be the best person and mom I could possibly be.  He made me a better person.  He was a true gift.  He still is a true gift.  And in his death, I found joy.  No, I am not happy that he is dead.  However, there is a kind of ironic poetry in realizing what you had once they are gone.  I don't know that I would have ever realized just how much he touched my life if he had still been living.  Realizing that has given me a sense of freedom.

I took copious notes today at church.  I was going to blog all about it.  But as I sit here typing, I am realize that it is not necessary for me to blog all about what Rev. Jackie spoke about.  Instead, I will just blog about what I feel and the decisions that I am making as a result.

Not only did I find the part in which I could be thankful in Nick's death, but I also reconnected with the "how to be happy" again switch.  I am finally able to give myself permission to be happy with where and who I am right now in this moment.  Just because I lost my child in a horrible accident, does not mean that I have to be sad all of the time. Yes, I will still feel grief sometime, but I do not have to let it consume me.  Grief has certainly been consuming me for the last year.  It has been a really really horrible year.  But I am done being sad.  I am done being unhappy.  And today, something shook me awake.  Something said, "Yes, it is okay to look back at where you were before Nick died and take notes and notice the things that made you feel happy back then.  But it's not okay to wish you could go back there. Just look, take notes, and ask yourself what can you do NOW (that you might have done then) that will make you happy again?"

The answer is many things.

1) First there is being of service.  I have always been the happiest when I was being of service somewhere.  So I tomorrow, I will make some phone calls, and I will get involved again.  I can still volunteer, even with this healing knee.  I can touch lives. I can be involved in things that are important to me.  I can help others.  

2)  Then there is surrounding myself with uplifting music.  Since my concussion, I have lost connection with much of my happy music.  Listening to music has been hard on my head.  But, after listening to Blaze and Kelly today at church, I realized that I really need to get back into music that makes me happy.  Today, I bought some of their music and I started making a list of some other songs I love in this genre. Tomorrow, I will be creating a set list of songs that are about good vibes, joy, happiness, and gratefulness.  I will listen to this every single day as a form of meditation and lifting my soul.

3)  The next thing that made me happy was regular exercise.  I know that my knee is still healing, but I can go for walks.  When I am at PT, they have me doing the recumbent bike; I can do that at the gym.  They also have me doing step ups.  I can do that at the gym.  So, on days that I am not going to PT, I will be hitting the gym to start slow and work on my physical health again.

4)  Dance.  I miss dancing.  I took the whole summer off of belly dance in order to heal my knee.  Then I had to do the whole knee replacement thing.  Well now, I am done with that and I'm healing.  I can get back to dance now.  I realized last Sunday, when Naomi and I were taking the burlesque workshops together, just how much I miss dancing with her.  I decided that I would get back into belly dancing.  For a long time I have been telling myself that I am not good enough to dance with Samira.  But ya know what?  I can do anything I put my mind to.  I need to challenge my mind.  I need to grow.  I am still not certain if Cairo Fusion is the best fit for me, but I do know that I want to dance with my daughter.  So, I think I will look into taking a class of some sort with Naomi.   I will also be seriously working on choreography for a burlesque performance.  No more sitting on my couch and being a couch potato.  It's time to shake my groove thing!

5)  Reading.  I love to read.  I am going to set aside 30 minutes every day and read.  There is no reason I can not spend 30 minutes a day reading and helping my brain to grow stronger again...not to mention what I will learn while doing it.

6)  And one last thing.  I want to have my friends over.  I miss laughing with my friends.  I want to start have friends over at least once a month..either a big group thing or just a couple here and there. I want to fill my house with laughter again.  I miss it.  Just because the bar is closed for the season doesn't mean we can't have friends over to play cards and laugh!

So there ya have it, my own recipe for happiness.  Surround myself uplifting music, practice gratitude, move my body, feed my brain and soul with books, be of service, and hang out with my friends and family and laugh!


Life is truly beautiful!